Last PT class and a look to the future..

To start off a quick update, I've passed my written PCE and I got my choice of final placement in an outpatient clinic, which I'm really happy about!

Today was my last official PT class, and I'm still unsure how I feel about it...the lectures were about our future careers and how we should start to think of the opportunities and continue with the next steps such as registering with the college.

To be honest, it almost felt like I'm being pushed off a cliff, and I'm trying with all my might to hold on. Over the past 2 years, I've focused so much on the present which included passing all the annoying tests and assignments and the placements that I didn't really think about the future and what happens when we graduate...now they're saying you're free...no more tests, no more useless lectures, and yet, I feel like I want to hold on to the security that school offers. I want to have the stability of coming to class, complaining with friends about assignments, and practicing on each other in a safe environment. As much as I have dreaded and complained and felt exhausted and frustrated with my university and program, it offered some comfort to know we have each other to lean on, can always ask the profs questions without fear, and have the right to make mistakes.

Now the safety net is gone. With our limited knowledge, we have to go out into the big bad world, and help people get better. We are transitioning from the safe student role to actual professionals which is sort of scary. Already, I feel I have to be careful what I say around who, since every person is a potential employer or client, and I have to much more professional. We have to become grown-ups and make resumes, go for interviews, and convince people why they should hire us. I've tried to transition by getting a new wardrobe to make it easier to at least pretend that I'm a professional, but its hard. I just don't feel ready. It's funny how they talked about the fact that in a few years we can become the lab instructors and lecturers, when I still have nightmares about those dreaded clinical tests. How can I possibly teach others, when I have no idea what I'm doing, and in every placement, felt like I'm just making things up...

The only good thing, is that at least I know where I want to practice and where I don't. At least the somewhat narrows down my choices for jobs...now the real issue becomes how far away from home am I willing to move away vs how much commuting would I tolerate. Although I think I've answered that question, when I realized how painful it is to be stuck in traffic in a car for an hour on the highway and all you really want to do is fall asleep, and pray that you don't cause an accident. I would rather pay and live in a box, then drive for 1 hour. Heck, I'd rather be on public transit for 2 hours.

I also know that I have no desire to work in either a hospital or rehab facility. That's fairly self-explanatory given my crazy placements in both those areas. I also know my limitations, and have realized that I'm not strong enough mentally or physically to deal with the constant issue of beuracracy and having really acute patients who you're terrified will fall on your watch. I prefer the relative safe atmosphere of the ortho outpatient clinic, where there is a clear problem, and clear treatment plan that could be established.

It's also sort of ironic that just when I developed a really good friend network who I get along with really well, and who constantly push me to go beyond my comfort zone, we are graduating and spreading across the province and going out to vastly different directions and to go out and lead different lives. It's hard because these are the people that have pushed me to become a better, more confident, less stressed, and more comfortable with the unknown person. Today's potluck, highlighted how comfortable we are with each other, even though we all come from different cultures and backgrounds, somehow we are able to laugh at each other without any ill feelings. I'm really going to miss that, because it is really really hard to find.

I quess what I'm trying to say is I don't want to grow up. I want to remain a kid, and want time to stand still, and just enjoy life, which I've just now started doing and not always worrying about infection and what ifs, and whether I'm interrupting someone's event, heck I can participate and make it better!

I think I just have to look at it as if everyone in our class as at a cross-roads, and everyone has to choose a path to follow, and hopefully, somewhere in the future, our paths will cross again. If it's one thing I've learned is that change is inevitable and staying in one place is not an option, but what we can do is to try our best to enjoy the ride and hopefully learn something along the way.

I've grown a lot over this journey, and hopefully I'll be able to keep growing and actually become the professional other people trust.

The end of classes- bittersweet..

So we're approaching the end of all structured lectures, and it is truly bittersweet. I actually didn't think that I'd reach this so many times that it still doesn't seem real. Transitions are hard though. Even though I can't even think on the past 2 years without absolute stress and terror, I've also learned a lot about myself and have changed quite a bit from the start. I've also met a lot of really great people and we've for sure shared a lot of stress, anger, but we've also bonded, and I've developed a lot of great friendships, and it doesn't seem fair that now that we finally have some free time, we all have our own schedules and lives and we can't actually go out and enjoy it.

These great friends accepted me for who I was, and have helped me survive the program as well as have helped my language skills develop and made me a much calmer and nicer person. It is hard knowing that a few will scattered across the large city, and a really good friend will move up north and I'll likely not be able to see her for a while.

I'm not scared kid that first entered the building, running around with my head cut off, thinking how I really don't belong here. I feel I've matured, am able to better cope with many different situation, am no longer that hysterical about random small problems because I've learned to let go of the small things since in the great scheme of things, that push from a stranger, or forgetting your lunch shouldn't be a big deal. I've learned to enjoy those few moments, to laugh, to have fun because hey nobody knows how long they have, and being miserable is not the way to live life. Life is about taking risks, enjoying life with family and friends. I've finally gotten out of my depression and have come up to breathe.

The trouble I have now is what does the next chapter of my life look like? I'm actually starting to feel old at 24, and entering the working world seems so foreign. It almost seems easier to remain a student and not have to think about working and looking for a job. Am I prepared? I would say no...I feel really really unprepared to start, and it is fairly scary..I mean people actually value my opinion? What do I know?! So I'm starting to ask myself does the future forecast med school? Getting married and having kids!? Opening my own practice? I'm not sure...I'm at a cross-roads and have to choose a path to go down, but at least I'm almost out of the never-ending dark tunnel, and the light is getting stronger, now to only choose the right direction and have the light guide me.

Second week of placement...everything becomes routine

Well I'm officially in the 2nd week of placement, and have realized how routine everything becomes...sigh. Everyone is nice and I am learning quite a bit, but to be honest I'm a little bored. Considering this is the placement I was most looking forward to, it is a little dissapointing. I've realized a long time ago that nothing is quite like what I imagine it to be, but it is still surprising.

From our crazy school classes, I imagined that half of the approach is trying to determine some rare diagnosis that the docs missed and then coming up with crazy treatments to treat the condition. Well, most of the time the diagnosis is already made, or is fairly obvious even to me which is saying something. The treatments are nothing like we learned in class, and most often consist of ultrasound, massage, gait correction, orthotics, ROM, and some basic mobilizations, in addition to giving basic exercises, acupuncture, and hot packs.

Now I can't say I'm any good at any of the above yet, because most of the things we're not really taught in class. I mean I have no idea how to give a massage, and am basically learning as I got. I'm still figuring out the parameters for the ultrasound, because they use it differently from what we were taught. I have a very basic idea of what to look for in shoes (avoid high heels, and apparently a rubber sole is better), let's see I'm guessing on gait analysis and correction, I'm still figuring out how to instruct on proper ROM, and the mobilizations are totally different from what we're taught and we basically have to take additional courses to learn properly. Plus acupuncture is not taught at all, more post-grad courses.

What is even more frustrating, is that a lot of the above treatments don't work, or take months to get even some basic relief. So the basic approach is to squeeze in as many treatments into a 30min session as possible, and of course not to go over the 30min session since there is another patient booked. What I've learned so far, is the most important part is actually not what you know, it is your customer service and socialization skills. The treatments have to provided in addition to very stimulating conversation. For the person to come back the person has to trust you, and for them to trust you they have to like you...now don't get me wrong, I actually don't mind making conversation with people, and I'm actually getting better at it, but to do a massage or ultrasound or to try to mobilize at the same time as trying to think what conversational topic would be interesting can be a little nerve wrecking experience.

Now I don't mind this fairly relaxed atmosphere, where everything is fairly predictably, where people are actually happy to see you, and where its not very physical work and won't injure me...but just a lot of other jobs it does get a little boring, especially after seeing the 5th non-improving person with back pain, shoulder pain, ankle pain. I mean I should be grateful...nobody is pissed off, or complaining about how they don't want to get up to go for a walk today, no gazillion notes to write, no running from one end of the unit to the other, no dangerous MRSA, VRE, TB, pneumonia, no 2.5 hour commute...and yet I'm bored...on the other hand at least I'm not trying to drink a bottle of wine after every day because of all the stress. I should know by now know that nothing turns out the way you want to, and at least I can actually physically do this job, because realistically I wouldn't last a month in either a hospital setting, rehab setting, or neuro setting, so that sort of limits my options...but that doesn't stop me from questioning my choices, and having to hide my previous goals of med doesn't really make it easier.

I keep thinking this is supposed to give me some kind of satisfaction in life, and in a way it does, but it definitely get's repetitive after a while. Oh well, back to my assignments, and continuing to question my direction in life, I mean what else is new, I've been at this for the past 6years!

First day of placement bittersweet

So I finished my first day of placement, and its been really good, considering everything its the opposite to all my previous experiences. I mean everyone is actually nice! what a concept! They don't mind answering my questions, and they want to teach, I couldn't believe it. The patients actually want to get better, I mean wow. I feel really lucky, and hopefully I won't dissapoint, and will learn quite a bit.

Why bittersweet? Well my good friend has turned out to have a really bad placement, and I feel partly responsible since I helped her choose the places. I know how much it sucks to have a bad placement, because I've had my share of them, and a long commute makes it that much worse, so I really hope it works out for her. Sometimes I really wish we could set up our own placements because that would make things 10X better, because then at least we'd be able to work with people we want to and actually get along with, not just a random luck with compatibility.

In other news, I still don't have the motivation to study for the national exam....oh well, by the weekend maybe I'll start to feel the pressure.

Back to previous feelings of insecurity

So as a quick update, I did go today and volunteered for a run, and was outside for 2 hours, and yes don't laugh, that's a big accomplishment for me. I feel okay so far, although my throat clearing is a little worse, but nothing too bad, and of course I needed a 2 hour mid-day nap to recover sigh. Hopefully, this will give me the motivation to continue to go out and actually do the stuff that I encourage other people to do. I mean it is one thing to say, 'It is very important for your health, wellness and recovery to get about 30min of exercise every day', and it is sort of hypocritical when I don't do it myself, and fear going out for a 20min walk, or am terrified of starting my weight training scedule. I mean I'm supposed to do what I preach...but instead of actually getting off my butt and doing something, I sit in front of the computer for hours reading forums and news, and then I go downstairs and watch tv, and I hide behind the fact that well I'm not better yet...but really it will a long time to get better, and if I'm not studying anyway, I should try to do something active.

In other news, I've been really really lazy about studying for my national exam for the past while, and have had no motivation whatsoever. Again I use the excuse that I'm still sick, but really, how long can I use that excuse. The problem is though that I was doing really well, and feeling better and more optimistic and even going out, and then I get sick, and its sort of like I took 3 steps back, and am feeling tired, pessimistic about the future, and have the renewed nagging feeling that I won't be able to do this job because I'm too weak, and that I'll be constantly sick or on eggshells fearing getting sick, that I'm not athletic enough, don't have the communication skills...etc. I need to somehow break out of this cycle and soon, because hey I'm starting my internship in 1 day, and the boards are in 1 month, so I have to try to force myself to study.

I don't know if its the fatigue, still being semi-sick, but I even after these last 2 years I still don't quite see a future. I mean a lot of people I know would kill to be in my shoes, but the truth is I have to keep fighting and I'm getting tired of fighting. I look on job boards, and yes there are jobs, but the fact is there are possibly 70 jobs across ontario and a lot of them are part-time, and realistically that's not enough for the 250 new PT's that will graduate this year. I mean, yes, I'm jumping the gun, I need to actually finish first, and yes across 5-6months, most people will most likely end up with something, but it still I think mostly depends on luck and personality, and I don't know if I'll be that lucky, considering how bad I did on my previous placements, and the fact that I'm naturally not as outgoing as a lot of other people, and don't have the athletic and coaching background and don't have a good memory. Now worse comes to worse, I do have the option of buying a practice and just trying to learn on the job, but fear that I would make a lot of mistakes, and wouldn't do a good job at all without at least a bit of mentoring...

Oh well..off to bed, and hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Why I have poor social skills..and moderation in life

So as an update, I am feeling better, although still having 3 hour naps in the afternoon, after a good 8hour night sleep...so still a little frustrated, but hey it is a process..albeit very very slow.

So this flu/cold, made me think, why do I have poor social skill? Why do I have such a hard time networking and having fun, and letting loose, and often have to really think what is/isn't appropriate in different situations and when in doubt I just remain silent?

Well I realized that socializing takes practice, nobody's really born with it, its through observation and trial and error, usually in school that people learn what to do/say, and how to let go and be fun, although it does come more naturally to some than others, and I'm definitely jealous of those people. But anyway, thinking back, I didn't really socialize with others, didn't attend that many parties, only went to club 2 years ago after which I got an ear infection (long story). In elementary school when I got sick, I would be out for a long time. In high school, it got a little better, but then of course when I did get sick, I would go to fairly extreme measures to get better faster and not miss any class, and would thereby not be completely well for months. To this day, I dread september, because I know that with the end of sunshine, the germs come out.

By the time the winter hits I'm afraid of even talking to people...and it all goes back to the last 3 weeks...that if I do get sick, it takes me a loooong time to get better, and this has conditioned me to avoid any situations and people that can cause me to become sick. It is a little crazy considering that this is the first bad time in about 5 years, but for my brain, the fear is still there, if I go to this party and talk to many people and get drunk, I will get sick for a month. Now its semi-true since the last time I went to a wedding, I got food/alcohol poisoning after 1 drink and 1 piece of salami and was indeed sick for a week.

At first I thought, ok it must be a poor immune system, that must explain it, so its not really my fault....and I can keep avoiding everything because I don't have immunity...well that's not really true, as I can go on the transit system and interact with a whole class (some of whom are sick) and get 4hours of sleep for weeks and still not get sick. Of course when I finally stop being stressed, start showering, shopping, and 'gasp' exercising, and start going to friends, I get sick. I think I'm going to change my thinking and think its more luck than immunity. Sometimes I'm just not lucky, no matter if I get the flu shot, try to avoid all sugar and processed food, and get enough sleep, sometimes I'll just get unlucky and get the bug going around...and yes be out for 3 weeks...but should I keep being a hermit and avoid all social contact, just to possibly slightly reduce my chances of catching that cold?

I've realized the key is to try to get a balance of some sort, since for me it seems it's either all or nothing. I either completely overdo it, like the week before I got sick by trying to do everything (shopping, studying, eating cake, exercising, running!!!), or I avoid going out and just stay home (study). This past 3 weeks have reminded me that I do have to be careful and can't do everything, I really do have to pick and choose, because even if immune system is okay, my lungs are not happy when I do get a cold, and it turns into bad bronchitis within 3 days, and then they need a loong time to get back to their normal state. But that doesn't mean that I should go back to doing absolutely nothing, I just have to be smart about it, and that means not doing 10things in one day even if I really really want to. If I want to go shopping, that's okay, but that's it, not to add exercising to that day. That also means I could go out and go socializing, but that day has to be light in everything else. That also means exercising (weights) only 2-3 times a week, because starting off at 4-5X is just setting myself up for failure.

I'm still unsure if running is a good exercise strategy for me, I mean yes its a great activity, good for endurance, but..last time I tried it, I literally felt like I was going to pass out from a lack of air after only 3 min, and was coughing and wheezing for an hour afterwards. And the fact that I don't use a rescue med, just makes the problem worse, because my lungs constrict and there's nothing I can really do besides meds to fix it, and meds cause my palpitation to get worse. So without the rescue meds, I think I'll leave out running, and try some other endurance activity like biking or tennis that isn't as bad for my lungs. But it is frustrating because I know I used to be able to run just fine it doesn't make logical sense to me why after only 3 min, I feel like I'm drowning, yet can bike for hours with no problems, or can even play tennis for 1 hour with little issue.

The moderation thing I think is the most important, I mean we learn all the time that with many chronic diseases its really important to pace yourself and if you do end up doing too much that's just going to make you bedbound the next day and is counter-productive. So I think I should take my own advice, and try not to overdo it. No more shopping + exercising, and avoid exercising + going out. I have to learn its okay to say no, even though its sometimes the hardest thing to do because when I'm feeling well, I want to do everything, because I don't know how much longer I'll actually keep feeling well.

Also I have to stop comparing myself to other people that can study, exercise, go out and work at the same time. I can't period, and I'm not the only one, and that's okay, because as much as I say and convince myself I don't have asthma, the wheezing and instant bronchitis sort of confirm it, and that means that I have to take care of myself more than other people. Also I have to get over the poor social skills, I mean yeah its not perfect, but considering how much school I missed in grade school, and how terrified I was about going anywhere, its a miracle they're not worse! I have to move forward, not constantly be looking back and that means accepting some of my challenges and learning to live with them and overcoming them.

So with that, tomorrow I'm actually going outside for a few hours, and hopefully my lungs will cooperate.

Over and out.

Organ Donation and staying positive in the face of illness

I blogged about organ donation a year ago, about a young mother with cystic fibrosis, who received a lung transplant in the nick of time. Well today, 2 years later, that same young mother is enjoying life with her healthy lungs and 2.5 year old daughter.

Today, another young lady was lucky enough to receive a double lung transplant, after being diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis, which is a condition that causes permanent scarring of the lungs. Hélène Campbell is truly an inspirational person, since unlike what a lot of people (including myself) which is feel depressed when they are ill and ask 'why me' she made a goal of raising awareness, and got the attention of Justin Bieber, Ellen Degeneres, and was able to show how life-changing it could be if more people became organ donors.

Every day we read more and more about the negativity in the world, and it is rare to learn about a person that is so positive and wants nothing more than to help others that it made me (a very pessimistic person usually) believe there is hope, kindness still present in the world. We often focus on our busy lives, commutes, problems present, but don't really think about what would happen if we did indeed had a significantly shortened lifespan.

It made me realize that I really should be thankful for what I have, and to try to look on the positive side more often. I also need to stop asking 'why me' with my bronchitis and asthma, and start enjoying life more, going outside, meeting new people, because hey you never know when it will end.

Here are the links to a few of her inspirational sites:

http://www.alungstory.ca/a-lung-story-blog

https://www.facebook.com/pages/A-Lung-Story/163425797101073

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YO7703V3XPY

http://www.thestar.com/news/article/1158099--why-we-re-all-cheering-for-helene-campbell-s-new-lungs?bn=1

Fatigue during/after a cold

The hardest thing to overcome after being sick for me is the long-lasting fatigue. I always think, what's fatigue? Why can't people just shake off that feeling and go to work right? I mean there's no conclusive explanation for it, and people can overcome anything right?

Yeah, I realize now, that its not always about 'overcoming' something, the fact is, if you have no energy to actually get up out of bed, where you're so sleepy all you can really think about it going back to bed, when getting up is possible but walking feels like your muscles are protesting every move and your knees are semi-collapsing, and after even some small chores you feel so exhausted you need to have a 2 hour nap.

Yeah I'm at the border of almost feeling well, but the coughing, mucus, sniffles, and the fatigue is keeping me from crossing over that line. Yesterday I probably overdid it by studying for 8 hours and walking outside for a whole 10min, and today I felt awful. Woke up at 9am, helped vaccum for 10min, and then went back to sleep from 11-12...yeah...definitely frustrating. I shouldn't be too surprised since it hasn't been quite 2 weeks yet, and it was a bad flu with a fever and spending a week in bed is definitely not helpful for my fatigue and energy level, but I only have a week to go before I have to start my placement, and basically be on my feet treating people for 8hours a day. In addition, I really need to seriously start studying, since I'm already behind the schedule I set for myself...

I think this is why I'm usually very careful, and try my best to avoid being sick, and one of the reasons why I avoided and continue to avoid going out to parties, and to clubs, and even to restaurants, because if I do get sick, I'm out for at least 2 weeks, and that's if I'm lucky. I can't even take any meds such as tylenol, or buckley's to deal with my symptoms because they give me palpitations and then I have problems falling asleep, and end up not getting enough, so it is counter-productive.

Hopefully the weekend improves at least a little...

Others Happy Passover and Happy Easter to everyone!

Progress in getting better...

So I'm finally out of bed! Believe it or not, that is a big accomplishment for me, considering I've been living in my bed for a whole week, its actually feels really nice to be able to sit in my chair at my desk, and type on a solid surface. I feel a new empathy for hospital patients who are so frustrated being in bed.

Slowly but surely and of course with the help of antibiotics I feel myself getting stronger and I was able to go downstairs today a couple of times without gasping for air and without the somewhat scary wheezing sound that my lungs make when they're very unhappy. Now I'm not completely better yet though, still have a very runny nose, still have the occasional cough, and still very fatigued, but I know that will take time to resolve, and with lots of rest in the next 2 weeks, I'll hopefully be well enough to start my placement with more energy and not feeling so depleted.

My main issue now that remains, is how to organize myself to study for the national exam and try to review some relevent information for my upcoming placement, and while some information does overlap, unfortunately a lot is not different.

P.S. Can you believe that my posts are actually starting to be more optimistic, even though I'm sick? Must be something in the water...

Well time to get back to the books!

What I do when I get sick

So another boring post by moi still sick....with a few lessons I learned during previous colds/flu's.

So as I mentioned before I used to be sick a lot, especially when I was younger, and then when I got older in times during great stress such as high school and 1st year. This actually caught me by surprise because I was done all the exams, was actually sleeping 8hours and was not stressed, all my family members were better..but I quess it strikes when you least expect it.

Anyway, I was saying...when I was in high school and 1st year, I would get sick during my school term, and it would be very stressful...you know missing classes, not knowing how I would catch up...so even if I was coughing and with a fever, I would study in bed, then take some extra strength tylenol to reduce my fever, and go to class and actually take the test...I prided myself for never actually getting a sick note to postpone a test..even when I was genuinely sick. The reason for that was so that I wouldn't get even further behind because with each midterm that I postpone, another one is around the corner, so my semi-logical thinking was that I should do my best and move on to the next one and not dwell on it. The problem was there was a real price to pay for that strategy..

First off, I was very stressed and studying while being fairly sick, meant that I was not letting my body relax and fight the illness, and that meant a prolonged flu that could last for 2 months and of course complications such as bronchitis which meant antibiotics and of course that contributed to my long-term asthma problems. If I knew what I know now, I'd realize that the stress and marks aren't worth it in the long-run and I'd probably just drop the course if possible, or indeed get that extension for the test, but hindsight is 20/20.

Now, I know that the best way to get better is to provide my body with the most optimum environment. That means drinking lots and lots of fluids (in my case tea), getting lots of natural vitamin C (5 oranges a day), getting lots of rest (10-12hours), and the big one is reducing my stress level. The last one means, choosing not to study my books which are sort of staring at me, trying to not stress about the coming board exam and in general trying to relax. In previous times, this meant getting a good leisure book and reading, this time it means watching 8 hours of online tv to relax. The shows are a good distraction for me and a way to not start wallowing in self-pity, or start feeling guilty about not studying. The way I look at it is any studying I do now would not be very productive because I can't really concentrate and am basically falling asleep, plus its hard to study when you're either coughing or blowing your nose every minute.

Thankfully, I hope that the flu is running its course and my fever is almost gone, and hopefully my cough will also soon be history, and then it will be back to the books to study for the looming boards but for now, I get to relax in bed and continue watching some of my favourite shows, and hey its good for my recovery!

Doing too much and Getting sick

So I'm sick, with the flu. At least I think its the flu, or its a really really bad cold. I think this is my punishment for doing too much and enjoying my freedom too much for the past week.

I've been really lucky so far, since I haven't gotten seriously sick with the flu for 6 years...and this is something I was really scared of, and actually doubted if I could commute every day, considering I'm surrounding by people, some of them who are sick.

But I definitely know I overdid last week, when I started exercising every day, and going shopping for 3 days in a row, and then on sat, I went shoe shopping, and went to the doctor's for a quick appointment, and then went to my friend's place and 'gasp' had a cupcake and a few cookies...then on sunday I tried jogging and failed miserably and mostly was gasping and half fainting after 3min, did a bit more weights and then actually went for a haircut for the first time in a year....yeah it was too much, too soon, and my body told me so. It also doesn't help that everyone in my family has already had this flu..and I might have just gotten it from them.

I wouldn't have minded a quick cold, but this flu just knocked me out. Complete with fever, chills, stuffy nose, sore throat, and a cough that felt and sounded like I was coughing my lungs out and actually included chest pain. What's most annoying is that its the 4th day, and I'm still in bed, and now will have to miss a cool trip with my PT friends that took a while to plan. I'm also missing a few days of class, but I'm not that worried since I know my friend can give me good notes, and plus I finished most of the tests that I had to do already.

What's different this time though from my previous times I got sick, was I didn't wait for 2 weeks until the coughing progressed and I wasn't getting better and I actually on the advice of my friend, started antibiotics early, to treat the infection early enough so it doesn't progress to sever bronchitis and make my asthma even worse. The chest pain after breathing and coughing clued me in that its not a simple infection and that I better treat it soon. Thankfully, the antibiotics seem to be doing the trick and the chest pain is gone, my coughing is a lot less severe, and the phlegm is not green anymore (I know, not appetizing). But I'm still weak, tired, and am still in bed for now...and it will take prob another week until I'm back to being semi functional and can start studying for my boards...for now I can enjoy watching a actually finite supply of shows available online and having room service.

When I get better, I definitely will slow down, and not try to do 4 hours of shopping for 4 days in a row..not try exercising 4 days in a row, and will go back to avoiding cookies and cupcakes, since its a small price to pay to avoid being miserably sick and in bed for a week.

The benefits and drawbacks of living at home

Things have calmed down a bit, and I'm enjoying my newfound freedom from the endless tests and exams, I finally have time to start exercising, something I should be doing since hey I am supposed to be promoting a healthy lifestyle! I've started with some weight training and bought a book and have been doing some variations for the basic weight training (bicep curl, rows, crunches), yes I know its a little crazy that I need a book and shouldn't I know these exercises anyway? Well..theoretically...if I was a kine + personal trainer I would...but I'm not...and we're not taught any exercises in school, so its all basically learn on our own, which is a little annoying but it is what it is. I've accepted the fact that they teach us the mostly useless theory in class, and we're supposed to figure things out on our own in practice...sigh.

So back on topic, I've lived at home for the last 6 years of my uni education and wanted to talk a bit about my experiences. For the first 4 years it was undergrad, and I didn't really mind, since the uni was close by and I was able to get there in 10min in the morning by car (ride) or 30min by bus (back). So it was convenient, and it was nice to be able to come home, to be in a familiar environment, have food ready, not have to live with roomates....of course this was all good because my workload was manageable and I only had class for about 4hours/day and not every day. This all changed in the last 2 years in my master's program....first off I don't live close, it takes me an hour each way with at 1-2 transfers, secondly my courseload was a lot crazier with classes 9-4 every day....so when you add 2-3hours of commuting each day, and you have to still study for 4hours at home something definitely suffers. For me its been usually hygiene, eating, exercise and sleep. So basically in the past month as an example, I have only taken showers once a week, scarfed down most of my meals in 5 min, not exercised at all, and have gotten a max of 5hours of sleep per day. Definitely not healthy, and I realized this after I got my eye infection which is taking a while to resolve even with antibiotics. A high stress level, little sleep and little food, definitely doesn't promote the best immunity.
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The other issues is of course that living at home means that there are a lot of distractions and chores to do, and constant nagging and worry...this also contributed to me having to study at night instead of during the day even on weekends, so my study schedule would be from 8pm-3am, conveniently when everyone else was sleeping and no distractions..again not very healthy.

The commuting not only takes time, but is also somewhat exhausting and even though I often sleep when in transit, I would come home too exhausted to actually study. It also meant that most mornings I would have 20min to wake up, eat and get dressed, no joke! Which means I would swallow my breakfast, in a hurry pack my books, and be off, no time to actually take time to look good, brush my hair, because that would involve getting even less sleep and feeling even more like a zombie.

I'm actually conflicted whether knowing what I know now, would I live on campus? If it wasn't so expensive, and I could have a place to myself and not have to share, or share with one person, I probably would do it, but that's not realistic since it would be expensive, and I'm not sure I would actually get along with the roomate. Then of course there's the issue of having to go buy food, and cook it which mostly I've been lucky since my mom does.

Keep in mind that I live relatively close (20km away), there are people in my class that commute 35km, and a few that commute for 60km each way!

I think, if money isn't an issue and the campus is far, and there aren't a lot of partying distractions and you can do well, living on campus is probably a better option, but there are benefits and drawbacks to everything.

March craziness is over

The last 2 weeks have definitely been very very stressful and I'm really glad they are finally over. In the past week alone we've had a quiz, a presentation and a practical skills test.

We've been so stressed about the practical exam that we were staying in school practicing our practical skills from 8am-9pm for the past 3 days, in addition to going there on the weekend. So add to that 2 hours of commuting and another 4 hours of studying at home, means that I was getting a max of 5 hours of sleep for almost 2 weeks....and not showering....and barely having time to eat....

In that span I also managed to pick up an eye infection, which my self-treatment so far isn't working and got an infection from a cat bite due to my poor disinfection techniques.

It has been worth it since I found out that I passed the practical! We also found out our new clinical placements and I was really lucky to get my top choice! Will post another update once I catch up on some sleep. Did I mention that its march and it 22C outside?

Hope everyone enjoys the weekend!

Amputee patients

So we spent the last few days learning about the amputee population and the rehab involved and also got to talk to a few amputees and how they are doing. It really surprised me how well many people adjust to not having part of their body. Prosthetics have become really amazing devices and the technology is evolving every day. Now there are artificial knees that sense how the body is moving and know when to bend and when to lock, people can even walk up stairs with no hams/glutes and the artificial knee doing all the work!

Although I realized today, that recovery really depends on whether the pt is otherwise healthy and how much insurance the person has. The government does not fund anything but the most basic prosthesis, and unless the pt has insurance from MVA, work-comp, or work insurance, they have to pay out of pocket. Let me mention the amazing C-leg or micropressor computer knee is 50K, the price of a car.

Another disparity is the amount of rehab pt receive and this depends on where they acquired their injury. MVA + work= more rehab, since the insurance companies pay the rehab centre extra money. Injured at home, or diabetes= goverment= only a few months of rehab and then you're on your own...This was especially frustrating to see, since the more rehab pt receive at the beginning, the better they do, and even though they are 'functional' at home (can walk, transfer, cook), that doesn't mean that they are able to return to their normal life, and ultimately that should the goal of rehab and not just to be functional.

On the other hand, I was really inspired how people overcome very very hard injuries, and many are very resilient, positive and every day give it their all in therapy, complaining very little and given what a lot of them have been through, they definitely have the right to complain. For many pt even after an above knee amp, they are able to walk, do stairs and even playing modified sports which is fairly remarkable. Imagine, snowboarding and playing competitive volleyball with an above knee amputation? Really inspiring.

Although after this week, I realized this population is not really for me (sigh, I keep crossing things job environments off my list instead of adding them). The main issue for me is that I'm so far still fairly bad at analyzing normal gait, let alone amputee gait, and trying to correct amputee gait is very difficult since you have to think, what muscles are there, which ones are missing? What can you compensate with? Is it the muscle weakness/imbalance, the other leg or the prosthesis that is causing the gait deviation? Definitely a lot harder than it seems, and the therapists are definitely experts and can spot even the slightest limp and can fairly quickly identify the cause. I usually can spot there is a problem, but my guess work at what is causing it is usually wrong...sigh.

Being back working with patients for even 1 day was definitely challenging after being in class for so long. It is definitely a challenge to suddenly become the professional that has to take think about what to say, how to be appropriate, and how to even motivate again. The other problem is that everyone views you as a person with knowledge, and it is not really an option to say 'I don't know', so in those cases, my brain quickly tries to put together the enourmous amount of info we have learned so far to come up with a semi-right answer and hopefully attempt to answer their questions, although it was definitely a challenge. In most instances, the type of exercises and treatment techniques we learn should be adaptable to many patients, but for me, the adaptation of these exercises is definitely a challenge since I constantly wonder will I cause more harm? Can this exercise break their prosthesis? Will the manual mobs for a pt with a disc herniation cause more pressure on the spinal cord? It doesn't make it easier when without any preparation, (I end up being on my own since everyone got other partners) do a subjective+ obj Ax + suggest a Rx plan in an hour. I mean I should start getting prepared for this, since this is what awaits me in 2 months (internship), but it is really really challenging for my brain...

Another thing that frustrated me, is that we don't see everything. What therapists and doctors consider a good success story where the pt is able to walk without aids and live in the community, may not be good enough for the pt. They may still be in pain, have to deal with other medical problems from their disease (diabetes), and depending on the type of job they did, they may not be able to return to their previous job, and may also have a lot of changes in their interpersonal relationships such as with friends and family, and we don't see a lot of that. So for them, success is not just being able to walk without a gait aid, for them success is being able to go back to their jobs, play sports, be able to play with their kids, have good relationships with their family, and live in a their own home without having to modifying it. What I've learned is that many do suffer from depression, and many may start medicating with alcohol, and for me the most frustrating thing is I don't know how to help them....ROM, strength, gait, balance are often a lot easier to fix then their relationships, employment and mood. Struggling with depression myself has actually made it harder to help others, since I know how hard it is to come out of and that their are no easier answers, and even though I could just say like everyone else, 'push through it, it will get better', 'life is what you make it', 'there are always things to live for'. I know that they can be empty promises for a person that has diabetes, possible kidney failure, pain, and little prospect of going back to what their life was like before...

So I quess to summarize, even though a lot of people struggle and continue to struggle with a prosthesis, a lot of people are able to get back to their life and for many, it is almost impossible to tell from their walking or activities that they had a amputation, and that is truly inspiring because it takes a lot of work.

Another test conquered- finding my balance

So from my sometimes panic posts, it almost seems like my moods are always down and that's not really true, since when I'm not completely freaking about an upcoming test, I do feel okay, and am not as it seems constantly depressed. Usually, as for most people my low mood, is tied to lack of sleep (ie 5-6hours for weeks), the commuting (2hours each day), being in class for 8hours straight, feeling incompetent in lab and of course stressing about the next test.

This week, I found out that I actually did well on the last test where to be perfectly honest, was guessing on a lot of things, and hoped the completely random things I was remembering from my 4 days of 16hours of consecutive studying. Note that I'm not good at cramming, and it stresses me to the point of a breakdown.

It also helps to complain with other classmates who are going through the same pressures and dealing with the same problems. Also yesterday I was so tired of studying and school that I watched 5hours of tv and it did help me reset my brain. Sometimes what the brain needs is to completely zone out and forget about your own problems. From what I actually remember from my psych classes, distraction is actually a better coping mechanism than ruminating, so maybe I should watch more movies than obsessively think how I'll do on the next test, or how I don't know anything, or how I can't remember anything.

I've sort of accepted my insane program and their unfair testing, inadequate teaching, and little help, since I've realized other programs are probably no better. I've realized that if I want to learn something I have to teach it to myself, or learn it after graduating with post-grad course. I also realized that to do well, I have to ignore their advice of just learning the basics, and try to learn all the detail, since their tests are based on detail and not just basics.

Acceptance does not mean that my frustration and criticism has gone. Why do they think that overwhelming us with information is helpful? there is only so much info my brain can actually absorb, and after a while it becomes saturated and can only retain it for a few days before being overwritten by new info. Also, how does giving us a basically blank lab manual help? We end up trying to frantically write down the info during labs while trying to at the same time watch the actual way to perform the test. This results in 3 people having 3 different notes and interpretations of how to do the test, wouldn't it be easier to give us the actual instruction in the lab manual? Apparently not, since 'studies have shown that we learn best by being engaged in the material and writing helps us be engaged', I call BS on that statement. Writing down the wrong way to do the test is very frustrating, and quess what some people are not oral learners! Some people need information written down, and need to reread the info 10 times before they understand.

I also question their idea of not answering questions, because 'we need time to think about it and answer it ourselves', well where are we going to get the answers? The answers are so specific that the internet offers no help, and neither do the 5 PT books I have. Then of course they think its fair to ask these questions which were not answered on a quiz, sigh.

The biggest problem though, is that our knowledge is inadequate for our clinical internships, and instead of teaching us, they critique us, and throw us into the deep end thinking that we know what we're doing and we in turn have to pretend we know what we're doing since otherwise they can not pass us. I get that they are busy, and not everyone likes to have students and it takes longer to get through the day, and not everyone volunteers, but ultimately, even if it is just part of their jobs, shouldn't it be their duty to at least try to teach us something instead of just giving us patients and not explaining how to treat them?

Well enough down time, back to studying, and hopefully I can continue to try to find some balance and not feel so stressed again, although I know that that's easier said than done.

The what if game

In recent days, my brain has gone into overdrive, and I've become so unmotivated to study and so burnt out that I continue to play the what-if game. What if I went to a different university? What it be better, easier, less stressful? What if I didn't switch from bio to psyc? Would I have worse marks?

What if I agreed to leave another city earlier, would we have a better house? less planes? more quiet? More financial security? Would I have actually met someone?

What if I did go to carrib med, would I have finished? flunked? get matched, unmatched? be in 250K in debt?

These questions have been eating me alive, and I am so burnt out from studying that I feel like I've completely lost it, and started thinking if maybe I would make a better real estate agent than a therapist, sigh. I've started to consider the crazy possibility of applying to one med school next year and take my chance at the lottery of 3% chance of getting accepted...yes I've officially gone nuts.

It seems that my mood goes from depressed to these crazy ideas, and continously thinking about things I can't change unless a time machine was invented. People say to live in the moment, but it's really tough to do especially for someone whose mind races at a mile a minute thinking and calculating a million things at once. I actually envy people that can slow down, forget about everything, and actually have fun without thinking, I have no idea how to do that.

I keep thinking I'm making progress on dealing with my moods but the truth is, I've gotten better at pretending and hiding them, but I still struggle with a lot of negative repetitive thinking that I can't seem to shake. The only thing that makes it better, is to make my brain shut off with movies, which isn't the best solution. I've started to realize that nothing really magically get's better, and there are new problems that start to creep up. After I finish, I have about another prob 4 years of post-grad courses I'll need to take.

What am I expecting to get better? Are my problems going to magically dissapear after I finish? Will I overnight be able to get a life? Will working actually make me happier? Will I somehow get less sensitive to sounds, lights, people? Will I actually meet someone who I like and don't want to stop going out after 4 dates? Will my mind stop racing?

I just don't know anymore, I know that a lot of things are beyond my control, and I can't really reverse time and who knows how I do I know where I would be if I did make different choices in life? Would I be working in grocery store, or in a restaurant? Would I be a real estate agent? Would I have a kid already? Would I be in a useless major with no prospect of a job such as OT, rad therapy, nuc tech (few jobs in ontario)? Would my decisions influence everyone else around me?

I quess the lesson for me is that I just don't know what my life would have been like, and as hard as it, it is important to live in the present, forget the past and try to move forward with whatever path lies ahead, no matter how hard, painful, hurtful, or frustrating. I have to accept my choices in life, because ruminating on mistakes is not helpful, and I just have to move on, accept my choices and limitations, such as choosing this ****university, because I don't know if I would have done better in another one, I could have, or not, and I'll really never know. Just like I've learned to accept my personality, that I'm different, that it's harder for me to interact with others, to have a relationship, and that often I do have to work harder in school to pass then others that can just absorb the information in class.

So, without further ado, with the next breath (breathe in), I let go of the past, stop thinking about it, and only think about the present and the future (breathe out). I stop blaming myself for everything that I did not do perfectly, and for the mistakes that I did make. I accept the responsibility, and know that in the future, I will probably make more mistakes but that is life, and life is not perfect (especially mine). In the end living in the past does not solve anything and I have to look to the future, and whether that future involves me becoming a successful manual therapist, possibly owning my own clinic, or winning the ever frustrating med lottery, I don't know. Does that future involve me being single, or having 3 kids? I quess I'll have to wait and see, because hey that's life, and there is no manual, no magic ball to actually tell you what to, only your own decisions to continually guide you, which can be increadibly frustrating. I vow that the next time I think of the past, I instead think about some positive image and look to the future instead of the past.

100 posts- what changed in the past 1.5 years

So this is my 100th post, which is surprising since I didn't think I'd actually have enough things to write about when I first started this blog.

I started to document my journey, and it has definitely been a roller coaster that has not ended. It has been a lot tougher than I ever anticipated and has pushed me way beyond my boundaries and has forced me to adapt to a lot of different environments that I wasn't used to. Writing has helped me deal with a lot of issues that I can't really talk to anyone about and in a way can be compared to online therapy.

The past week has been really tough, since I had my first test in this new frustrating unit. I spent 4 days studying for 17hours/day and still felt like I was bsing my way through the test. The amount of material we have to learn is akin to the amount we would learn through a whole semester in undergrad, and we had to learn that in 4 days...very frustrating. It made me really question how I could ever actually handle med school, when the amount of information they have to memorize is often triple to what we have to look at. I've realized my memory is definitely a limiting factor since what happens is I learn something and unless I find it very interesting I forget it, since it get's rewritten by new information, no matter how hard I try.

I wish I could say that after 1.5 years, I actually know something, but the truth is I feel I still know absolutely nothing, and partly that is the fault of the program I'm in, and they're really bad organizational and teaching skills (serves me right for going to the 'centre of the universe' university). Partly though, I do feel that it is very challenging for me to learn at their pace, and not being from a kine or sports background does put me in a disadvantage.

I mean half the time I think what the heck am I doing here? I only play one sport, and have only a vague idea of how to play any others. I don't go to the gym, and only vaguely know the type of machines that are available and what they actually do. I have no upper body strength to actually practice in ortho as I have been told more than a couple of times...yes I do need to work on that I know. My memory is fairly bad, and I have trouble remembering which patient comes with what condition let alone actually remembering their treatments and how to progress them. Also so far, I have not actually enjoyed any of my placements and have done poorly in 3/4, although to my defense, having 2 instructors and different expectations, as well as having a poor teaching environment definitely does not help....

Most people will ask what the heck I thought of when choosing this profession, and now what the heck I'm thinking choosing the tough outpatient ortho specialization instead of the easier inpatient hospital work? Didn't I take the place of a person that deserves to be here more? Well the answer is complicated since first off, there is a actually a job problem where 300 new PT grads for ontario is sort of a lot, especially considering that public sector jobs are drying up and the private sector is not expanding at a fast enough pace, so even though everyone from last year found a job, it is becoming tougher and really becoming who you know. Why did I choose this? Well it's true it is a back-up for me, but my marks aren't good enough for med and with a gen Bsc, my options for jobs are sort of limited to min wage retail or trying to get into business sector such as buying a store, or playing the stock market, both of which are not the most appealing option...given that I have low patience, and high anxiety. Looking back, would I have made a different choice? Well I prob wouldn't choose centre of the universe, but I would still choose PT even though I know how incredibly tough physically and mentally challenging, since ultimately there are no better options.

Why private ortho? Well let me recap again my options are sort of limited, since I don't enjoy acute hospital work, and 90% of the time when I was during my placement was terrified that someone would fall, and I wouldn't be able to catch them...which did happen, although I was able to catch them. Plus I learned I couldn't deal with all the ass-kissing and hospital beuracracy in the hospital. I think I enjoy having more autonomy, although it does scare me, and I do like dealing with stable patients who aren't going to fall or have a heart attack after a walk. The other thing is I find hospital acute care boring, most of the time, is spent ambulating with them, and then discharge planning, and I feel you don't need any skills for that.

I have learned enough to do basic treatment at home, and have managed to get my grandmother ambulating with a cane and up 2 flights of stairs after a 3 looooong weeks in the hospital, and many many complications, and an escape from rehab that was making her worse, although I don't really feel like I did anything substantial. I did force my parents to go to qualified physio to treat the injuries, and am now in the process of trying to find a third PT to help my dad's rotator cuff injury, since even though he has made substantial gains, he is plateauing...and stiff does not have full range and still has pain from everyday activities.

Emotionally, its been very very tough. I've become much more jaded and pessimistic in general. Although my mood has stabilized, and I'm not as emotional, and have learned to control my anger and depression a little, and now have this low-level pessimism, and I don't react to anything anymore since that is the only to cope with everything. The benefit, is that I'm not as afraid to speak my mind, and therefore I'm not as nervous when speaking and therefore don't stutter as much. I also have started swearing which I have always avoiding, but now find it as another coping strategy.

Nobody quite realizes how tough it actually is treating 10 patients/day on placement all with different personalities, needs, and problems and being confident while doing it, as well as dealing with problems at home. Nobody teaches this, or prepares us for it. It's worse in ortho, since most people are also skeptical, and want a quick fix, which I've learned doesn't exist. Injuries take a long time to heal, and many don't actually fully heal, and people have to learn to accept that. The other problem is it takes time and unfortunately money, and if actually even have insurance, often times it doesn't cover 100%, or just covers 4 visits, which is not enough time. Many people especially immigrants don't know what a PT does, and a lot of docs don't even believe PT works, so even though many would benefit many don't go. One person I know with partial insurance, can't bend three fingers due to scar tissue, and doesn't go to physio because its too 'expensive' and not 'free', let me also mention this is a person that spends over $100/week for restaurants, and tips 30%....

My personal life, has been a semi-mess...although I can say that I've officially had a 1 month relationship, and have 'made out', but I haven't had a real relationship and personally haven't even enjoyed making out. I've made quite a few friends in my program without whose help I don't know where I'd be. I've been able to maintain a good relationship with my parents and grandparents, and have learned to hide my moods although not always very well.

I've definitely changed, and do have some more confidence and better language and communication skills. Although I still struggle with a low-level depression, which considering everything is not too surprising, I still continue to have a lot of regrets, that I keep ruminating about and the inability to move on...I'm also still avoiding social gatherings due to the fear of getting sick, although to my credit I even went to a restaurant B-day party, which I usually try to avoid.

In the past 1.5 years my perception of life in general has definitely changed and I feel like a lot more questions than answers to everything, which is frustrating because I always thought that as I grew older I would have a lot more answers. I've learned to cope better albeit in not very positive ways and have fewer melt-downs. I have a lot of things I still have to work, including doubt, regret, and social interaction, but in general I don't feel as hopeless as I felt a few years ago when my dream of med sort of died.

So I want to thank all the readers for continuing to read, and follow my crazy adventure, and hey feel free to comment at any time, I'd love to know what others think and if similar/different experiences. Otherwise I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Promises vs Reality in life

I feel like my brain is sort of on overload from the amount of material we have to memorize in a week and therefore I've been completely unproductive and procrastinating...

I just can't stop my thought process and all the what ifs...especially regarding what will happen in a few months when I'll hopefully start looking for jobs...which is a small problem because with all the budget cuts, there are few public sector jobs and even though there are private outpt jobs there aren't as many as I hoped considering there are 250 PT graduates in Ontario alone, and possibly 200 people try to get into the GTA....which means there is serious competition. I feel like I'm completely unprepared to go into private practice because the knowledge that is required is a lot more than we have been taught, and we're supposed to pick up a lot from practice but I feel like its an insurmountable task because I feel like I retain nothing and know nothing...the fact that I have a board exam looming in 3 months and I'm not prepared and basically have 2 weeks to study which is sort of scary.

When I finished undergrad, I thought I had a lot figured out, that I chose the perfect career, that I would learn to love it, that its this job everybody enjoys, and that I should be lucky to have gotten in, but now...well let's say nothing is black and white anymore. I don't know what the right path to anything is anymore, and every day I question my own path in life, and that is frustrating because when I was younger I always thought it would get easier and I would magically find the answers and everything would fall into place as I get older and I'm learning more and more that life doesn't work that way. You can plan and plan, but it rarely works the way you imagine it to be. I wish I could look into the future and actually see a bright future, but I can't. I don't even know if after all this, I will actually enjoy my job....because I'm realizing more and more that everything is a lot more complicated than anyone initially thinks.

First off, there are no guarantees in life. No matter what career one picks and how good the prospects are, there are no guarantees that at the end of the education there will be a job waiting for you, and this is what a lot of people in my generation are realizing. The other fact is even if there is a theoretical job, it is often very competitive, and there are no guarantees that it will actually be a positive working environment and no guarantee that you won't get scammed and your license number won't be used for fraud.

I have a friend who after 6 years in undergrad, graduated but can't get into dental in ON because her marks and DAT aren't high enough. The problem is she doesn't have many jobs options other than retail and would therefore be no better off than when she finished high school. So far her only option ironically is to go back to her country of origin, complete a dental degree there, and then either stay, or attempt to come back here and finish her exams here and then compete with the hundreds of other dentists here to build a client base. So much for canada being the land of opportunity. For some reason, many people from other countries think that by coming here, there will be a better future for their kids, now while that's true for some people and with just buying real estate it is possible to have a better future...ultimately, it is very very difficult for my generation 20-30, to find a decent paying job and be able to move out and live on our own, because many good jobs have been outsourced, and there is very intense competition for the professional programs such as dental, med, pharm, allied health that actually offer the opportunity to have a good job. In the end even getting into these programs is no guarantee....

On some forums, I've read of people, doing 2 undergrads + a master's (9years), and rewriting the mcat 6 times, and then still not getting into med school here. I've read of people getting a phd (10 years) and still not having a job because unniversities don't provide tenure anymore, and instead hire contract profs to teach 1000students in a lecture hall.

The interesting thing is that just like the forums were predicting, the overseas medical degree option is closing fast. In a few years, the US med graduates will exceed the number of residencies available, and therefore there will be no more available for FMG. The same thing is happening in Canada. What's amazing, is that people don't really realize this, and think that they will beat the odds and continue applying and continue going and paying 250K+ education, not realizing how hard it really is to get a residency at the end of the journey.

Some people now equate getting into med to a lottery, where they keep trying year after year, and be lucky if they win the 'med lottery', and what is the prize at the end? It is another 4years of debt and stress, and for 1/2 people after all that work, it is the opportunity to become a family doc and see 10pt/hour and have to make diagnosis whithin 5 min to keep the waiting room moving. For another 1/3 that finish med and get a prestigious surgical specialist residency, it is the opportunity, to not be able to work as a surgeon because there is limited operating room time, and limited hospital budgets that do not hire new trainees, which therefore forces the newly minted surgeons to have to try to move around the country trying to find locums, or work as a surgeon assistant, or have to retrain as in some specialities to a completely different speciality (family med) since they cannot work as a general practitioner.

So what happens to my generation? Young adults end up staying home (yes the wonderous boomerang generation) and delay getting married and having kids because everyone stays in school for years and when they finish have a lot of debt and end up competing for the few jobs available (retail) that in a lot of cases don't pay enough to support a family...The other problem is of course housing costs are through the roof which means one ultimately needs 2 good incomes to even consider buying a place...

My options are also limited, since I have not enjoyed any of my hospital placements and have basically been told that I'm not good enough in 3/4 that I've been at, which is slightly disheartening. I keep thinking what if I can't find a job? Given my shy and slightly unsociable personality (which has been repeated to me since I was 4) am I really meant to work with people? How can I advise people how to exercise when I don't even have time to go to the gym myself? How can I actually provide manual therapy and help people when my hands start spasming whenever I start to do therapy on others?

So far the only option I've thought about if I won't be able to find a job, is to actually buy a PT practice and even though I know nothing to try my best to make it successful, which is a lot harder than it sounds.

It's just hard to keep going when there is no clear path and no guarantees that it will actually get better and not worse. Sometimes I really wish I could be more positive, and bubbly, and pretend that I don't know anything, and completely ignore all the facts and all my previous negative experiences.

Oh well, I think I just have to somehow keep going, and hope that it does get better, and be happy that I'm one of the lucky few that actually got into this torturous professional program that has the opportunity for me to find a job at the end. Given the economy, a lot of people probably don't understand what I'm complaining about and think would do anything to be in my place, but the problem is that everything is relative, and what's good enough for one, is often not good enough for another person because they come from a different context. My generation, was basically promised that if we worked hard enough, and went to Uni, and got good grades, we can achieve anything...but the recession hit hard, and reality is a lot less rosy. The truth is that in the end, getting that good job or that career has very little to do with how hard you work or what you know but a lot more to do with who you know and luck in general, and how well you play the game.

Another chapter complete- can't say its a good thing

Another chapter of my life is officially complete, with my 1 month dating experience officially over. Of course only after I messaged to check whether it was over, why is it that guys find it okay to assume that its okay to end a relationship by just not replying to a text? Honestly, we prefer to have an official closure, not just a cliff-hanger.

On the bright side, I did beat a previous record of mine of everything ending after 3 dates, this one lasted a miraculous 7 dates over 1 month! Yes I confess, I haven't had a relationship last longer than 1 month, it is a little ridiculous. I've also done a lot of new stuff that I didn't try before, and sort of learned what I liked and disliked and became more comfortable with trying new things.

After much analysis, the theme that kept coming up, was that first off, I was 'different' than other girls, 'smart' for a girl, and busy, and of course want to go 'very slow'. Translation being, that I'm too smart, have too much going on in my life, and am not loose enough...

I know I have a lot of issues, including being busy, anti-social, sarcastic and sometimes negative, and having a low drive, but I sometimes wonder if its at all possible to find a guy that will actually accept me? Is the only way for me to pretend to be someone else? Should I reduce my intelligence level just to satisfy a guy's ego? Should I dress and act more provocately to appear more sexy? I've decided that's just not who I am...and I've already tried pretending and it does backfire in the end.

I mean I admit from the get-go, I don't know how to act or communicate in different social situations and find them very difficult. I have mild asthma and that does restrict my activity level. I'm still in school and my stress is very high, so its nearly impossible for me to be cheerful all the time. I've been through a lot and I can't look at everything through rose-coloured glasses and pretend everything is fine and dandy. And yes I do have a brain and I do think about stuff most people don't think about. Finally it takes me a while to get accustomed to doing things, especially things I've never done before, and I'm not willing to do certain things after only 1 month..

I guess its just too much to ask for a guy to actually accept my flaws and be patient
and actually support me after some tough times, but this experience made me realize that fortunately or unfortunately this is who I am, and I can't hide or lie, or pretend to be someone else.

Maybe I'm destined to be single, who knows..but I'm not going to change myself to satisfy others, since that just makes me more miserable. Right now, I'm taking a break from dating for at least a few months while I'm in school, I think I have enough stress to deal with and maybe I'll be brave enough to try again later.

Burn Out, depression and disillusionment

I'm really tired now. Tired of all the useless lect and assignments we have in class. Tired of staying up late every night. Tired of the 8-5hour days, then hours of studying. Just really tired...of life in general.

It has become so bad, that I consider just dropping out daily...it is just too stressful and I don't know how much more I can handle. The stress has probably caused the only relationship I've had to dissolve, due to prob me being super stressed all the time, and not having the time to do anything or go anywhere.

It just all doesn't seem worth it anymore...I've disliked most of my placements, still haven't learned to properly deal with people, feel like I don't know anything...and feel like the only reason to continue is for the money. I really feel like I'm cracking...they are making us very miserable. I question whether my life will ever actually improve, or is this what my life will be like? Is there anything for me to look forward to, other than more stress? never-ending school? more family medical problems?

Everything is falling apart and its just really hard to deal with it all.

Frustration, stress and regret

So school has officially started...and that means that my stress level is through the roof and my patience level is zero. Getting 6 hours of sleep/day for 2 weeks, and being in class for 8hours then studying at home for another 5 hours has been torture. In addition they have decided to add a lot of useless assignments and some that aren't worth anything to the list of things we have to do.

The thing that makes it worse, is that I realized that it wasn't my fault I wasn't getting it, and that there is a better approach and that some universities actually teach, instead of giving assignments, not answering questions, and expecting us to know everything. I had a choice since I had 4 offers to different universities, and my gut told me not to pick what I picked, but I thought, well its close to home, I wouldn't have to cook, I'd continue to live at home, its cheaper...it has a big name...good placements...yeah many many myths. It's been the most stressful experience that I've ever had, have not learned a lot (except the 'self learning'), and have had 3/4 bad clinical experiences.

The main problem now, is getting past the regret, getting through this last unit and passing the board exam, because that's what its about at the end of the day...but the day-day part is exhausting.

Even after a 1.5 years and 4 placements, I still get the nagging feeling of did I make the right choice? Do I have enough confidence, skills, communication skills to even be a good therapist? Do I have the personality? Or will I be one of those completely incompetent therapists, that doesn't know anything? Because that's basically how I feel right now....

Trying to date at the same time, is also becoming too much and I feel I'm doing poorly with both things...

I think what I really need is some sleep to process everything, and I have to keep going no matter how difficult it is because I don't really have another option, or another job lined up...so regret does not really help me at this moment anyway, what I chose is my journey, and I can't go back in time and I don't even know if I'd be more successful in another program, so really without a time machine I'll never really know.

A New Year- new relationships

So I mentioned that surprisingly, I am finding that I am in relationship. In the craziness of the last 3 months, I actually started dating with the help of an online website, which I was very skeptical of and didn't actually believe that it worked.

My first dating experience was not very positive, from the beginning I knew it wouldn't work but I wanted to try and see where it went. The problem was that we came from different classes and different backgrounds. He was used to a more privileged life than I was, and couldn't really understand what my life was like. He was a little too controlling, and I felt that I could never really be honest because he was very judgemental and it was very frustrating. I would choose a restaurant and he would say let's go to a different one for no reason, I would say I'm not comfortable going somewhere and he would pressure me until I said yes. The thing that really irritated me was how impatient he was, he would expect a reply to a text within 1 min, if I would take even 5min, he would send another message and would constantly hound me about responding sooner even though I told him I try to respond as soon as I can and that I'm very busy, which I was. In the end nothing happened, and as with my previous dates, we ran out of stuff to talk about, I started standing up for myself and arguing, and he was frustrated that it wasn't going anywhere and that there was little chemistry, so we thankfully drifted apart. This lasted a whole 4 dates.

My current dating experience, has been like night and day compared to my previous one. It surprised me, because we started dating, when the whole crisis with my grandma started, so I initially felt very very guilty for even going out once a week. He comes from the same background as I do, which makes things a lot easier since I don't have to constantly explain why we move so much, why my english isn't perfect, why I'm frugal and don't go out a lot. It's going very well, and I've lost count of the number of dates we've been on, I should start keeping track, I think its been 6 which is a new record for me! It's been a month so far, and we haven't run out of things to say, he doesn't text every minute, and its a lot more manageable to communicate once a day given my crazy schedule. He's isn't controlling, and doesn't try to force me to go somewhere I'm not comfortable going. He's also very patient, and understands that I don't have a lot of experience with dating and doesn't pressure me. Everyone laughs, because even though he has a good job, we mostly go to free or cheap events, and don't go to that many restaurants but the truth is I actually enjoy it a lot more and myself am not a big spender, and don't want or expect the guy to pay for everything.

The trouble I'm finding is that I'm in uncharted waters. I've never gone out this long without drifting apart and its caught me off guard that I don't want to break up. The problem is I don't know how I feel about it all. There is chemistry between us and a lot of things in common, and I don't feel like I have to hide my true thoughts or feelings, and he actually is good knowing when I'm not truly being honest and usually people can't tell. I still feel nervous around him though, possibly in part because of my previous negative experiences. The other problem is that I don't know what I feel, or how I should feel, sad, happy, anxious... it sounds a little ridiculous but most days in general at home I feel like a robot that has no feelings. I've worked so hard at repressing what I truly feel that I've gotten so good at it that I truly don't feel anything. I thing I've repressed everything as a coping mechanism to deal with everything that's been happening and as a way to become a professional and not become emotionally detached from patients because it was so painful at the beginning that I couldn't do my job. I learned that in the workplace, not only are you expected not to show what you're truly feeling, but you're expected to be happy all the time, and be positive because I'm the one that's supposed to encourage patients to be positive. So in a way I have learned to act happy, and unfortunately, as was proven in my last clinical, when there are a lot of personal problems it becomes really hard to hide them, still appear happy, still take criticism, and still be able to do all the regular tasks and more.

My life right now does feel very robotic. I have endless tasks to do at home, to help my mom cope with having 2 grandparents that rely on us for meds, for food, for entertainment, for keeping them well and as healthy as they can be. As well as dealing with all the regular household tasks, such as endless cleaning, cooking, garbage, and now with everything else, I get to add my insane school schedule, and the stress of it all is already giving me chest pain. So in general my life is mostly on hold, and I live to make sure everyone else is comfortable and happy, and have to constantly keep my own feelings and thoughts in check, because everything is stressful enough as it is, and if I start losing it, or start getting frustrated everything just collapses. So I've learned to be robotic and not feel anything,have basically become an elf that is constantly on the move cooking, cleaning, tidying, studying and make sure everyone else is good, and ignore my own needs and wants and I guess feelings.

What nobody realizes is that these are the exact things that good PT's do, they adapt to different people and solve other people's problems. In doing that they always have to be positive, have exceptional people skills and make everyone comfortable, the problem is that keeping your own feelings in check all the time is really really difficult as I've learned.

So the question becomes, how do I turn my feelings back on, without losing it, and becoming depressed again if things don't work out. Because in additional to everything else, I'm guarded because deep down I know that if I start to try to feel something, I can get hurt, and I don't know if I can take that pain.

How do I let my guard down? Do I drink more, because that seems to be the only thing that helps. No that's prob not a good solution given I got severe alcohol poisoning 2 weeks ago after I gulped 1 glass of wine...How do I keep focus on my schoolwork and actually survive another bad semester, boards, family life, and in addition attempt to maintain a relationship? Is it even possible to juggle so much and have feelings and not break down and start throwing tantrums like I did before? Am I in a way still depressed, and have not really dealt with the underlying issues, but just buried them so deep, so that they don't bother me? Is it possible for me to go back to the hopeful person I was before undergrad squashed all of my hope?

I wish I had more answers than questions, but right now, I've realized that all I'm trying to do is survive one day at a time, and that is probably the best that I could do at the moment given my schedule. I still have a lot of anger and repressed feelings which I'm not ready to deal with and that might be why I don't feel anything. I quess I just have to try to open up more with him, tell him more about my past, and keep trying to think positively, that things will improve, that my family's medical problems will stabilize, that I will finish, that I will find a job, and that eventually I'll be able to have hope again about the future and be able to be happy not just when I drink. Given all the problems in the world, its hard, and its probably something I will continue to struggle with because that is who I am, but I do have to keep trying because being a robot with no feelings is not a good solution to my problems.

Happy New Year!

So it's officially 2012! I'm thrilled 2011 is over because its been a nightmare from start to end. It started with an insane MSK unit, which I still don't understand how I and a lot of other people survived. Continued with 2 placements, one so bad that I really doubted why I was crazy enough to put myself through this. It continued with a summer semester which was at least survivable. Some research in the fall and 2 more placements in winter which have while not great at least have been manageable if it were not for the family emergencies...

I've lost count the number of family issues....from my dad's non healing rotator cuff tear, to my mom's cataracts (which she doesn't want to fix), to my own asthma issues which make going downtown an absolute torture, to my grandfather's bedbugs then uncontrollable glaucoma, strange fainting episodes/heart problems, and then pneumonia. Now if all that wasn't enough, to finish the year with a bang, my grandmother's hip fracture, surgery, delirium, MI, stents, constant syncope episodes, and the final escape from the hospital. It's definitely been a hell of a ride.

Now this year, has also taught me a lot, and has really forced me to get out of my shell, because guess what to become a professional and treat patients, I have to actually communicate with others! I also have to at least appear professional and confident. All the medical family problems have given more medical experience than any books can ever teach you, and have taught me how to figure out how to advocate, put up a fight, and if you have to go against what the doctors advice and go home and try to manage tough conditions at home which can is a lot tougher than it sounds.

Surprisingly, through all the craziness, and against my own fears I've gone on a few dates with a few different people, and now find myself in an actual relationship! This has been very unexpected because I've convinced myself that it would not be possible to ever be in a relationship, given the multitude of problems I have, my pessimistic and sceptical nature, my busy family life and my non-stop school schedule, but even though it takes a lot of planning and compromise, it's actually semi-possible and I'm semi-happy! I've also met a lot of amazing fellow students who have helped me get through the really tough times which I'm grateful for because without their support and help, I don't think I would be able to survive all the anatomy bell-ringers, practical exams, and bad clinical experiences.

All in all, I'm hoping that 2012 will be a better year for everyone, I make no resolutions anymore because they inevitably end up being broken, but let me be a broken record and wish everyone good health, happiness and well-being in 2012!