I feel like my brain is sort of on overload from the amount of material we have to memorize in a week and therefore I've been completely unproductive and procrastinating...
I just can't stop my thought process and all the what ifs...especially regarding what will happen in a few months when I'll hopefully start looking for jobs...which is a small problem because with all the budget cuts, there are few public sector jobs and even though there are private outpt jobs there aren't as many as I hoped considering there are 250 PT graduates in Ontario alone, and possibly 200 people try to get into the GTA....which means there is serious competition. I feel like I'm completely unprepared to go into private practice because the knowledge that is required is a lot more than we have been taught, and we're supposed to pick up a lot from practice but I feel like its an insurmountable task because I feel like I retain nothing and know nothing...the fact that I have a board exam looming in 3 months and I'm not prepared and basically have 2 weeks to study which is sort of scary.
When I finished undergrad, I thought I had a lot figured out, that I chose the perfect career, that I would learn to love it, that its this job everybody enjoys, and that I should be lucky to have gotten in, but now...well let's say nothing is black and white anymore. I don't know what the right path to anything is anymore, and every day I question my own path in life, and that is frustrating because when I was younger I always thought it would get easier and I would magically find the answers and everything would fall into place as I get older and I'm learning more and more that life doesn't work that way. You can plan and plan, but it rarely works the way you imagine it to be. I wish I could look into the future and actually see a bright future, but I can't. I don't even know if after all this, I will actually enjoy my job....because I'm realizing more and more that everything is a lot more complicated than anyone initially thinks.
First off, there are no guarantees in life. No matter what career one picks and how good the prospects are, there are no guarantees that at the end of the education there will be a job waiting for you, and this is what a lot of people in my generation are realizing. The other fact is even if there is a theoretical job, it is often very competitive, and there are no guarantees that it will actually be a positive working environment and no guarantee that you won't get scammed and your license number won't be used for fraud.
I have a friend who after 6 years in undergrad, graduated but can't get into dental in ON because her marks and DAT aren't high enough. The problem is she doesn't have many jobs options other than retail and would therefore be no better off than when she finished high school. So far her only option ironically is to go back to her country of origin, complete a dental degree there, and then either stay, or attempt to come back here and finish her exams here and then compete with the hundreds of other dentists here to build a client base. So much for canada being the land of opportunity. For some reason, many people from other countries think that by coming here, there will be a better future for their kids, now while that's true for some people and with just buying real estate it is possible to have a better future...ultimately, it is very very difficult for my generation 20-30, to find a decent paying job and be able to move out and live on our own, because many good jobs have been outsourced, and there is very intense competition for the professional programs such as dental, med, pharm, allied health that actually offer the opportunity to have a good job. In the end even getting into these programs is no guarantee....
On some forums, I've read of people, doing 2 undergrads + a master's (9years), and rewriting the mcat 6 times, and then still not getting into med school here. I've read of people getting a phd (10 years) and still not having a job because unniversities don't provide tenure anymore, and instead hire contract profs to teach 1000students in a lecture hall.
The interesting thing is that just like the forums were predicting, the overseas medical degree option is closing fast. In a few years, the US med graduates will exceed the number of residencies available, and therefore there will be no more available for FMG. The same thing is happening in Canada. What's amazing, is that people don't really realize this, and think that they will beat the odds and continue applying and continue going and paying 250K+ education, not realizing how hard it really is to get a residency at the end of the journey.
Some people now equate getting into med to a lottery, where they keep trying year after year, and be lucky if they win the 'med lottery', and what is the prize at the end? It is another 4years of debt and stress, and for 1/2 people after all that work, it is the opportunity to become a family doc and see 10pt/hour and have to make diagnosis whithin 5 min to keep the waiting room moving. For another 1/3 that finish med and get a prestigious surgical specialist residency, it is the opportunity, to not be able to work as a surgeon because there is limited operating room time, and limited hospital budgets that do not hire new trainees, which therefore forces the newly minted surgeons to have to try to move around the country trying to find locums, or work as a surgeon assistant, or have to retrain as in some specialities to a completely different speciality (family med) since they cannot work as a general practitioner.
So what happens to my generation? Young adults end up staying home (yes the wonderous boomerang generation) and delay getting married and having kids because everyone stays in school for years and when they finish have a lot of debt and end up competing for the few jobs available (retail) that in a lot of cases don't pay enough to support a family...The other problem is of course housing costs are through the roof which means one ultimately needs 2 good incomes to even consider buying a place...
My options are also limited, since I have not enjoyed any of my hospital placements and have basically been told that I'm not good enough in 3/4 that I've been at, which is slightly disheartening. I keep thinking what if I can't find a job? Given my shy and slightly unsociable personality (which has been repeated to me since I was 4) am I really meant to work with people? How can I advise people how to exercise when I don't even have time to go to the gym myself? How can I actually provide manual therapy and help people when my hands start spasming whenever I start to do therapy on others?
So far the only option I've thought about if I won't be able to find a job, is to actually buy a PT practice and even though I know nothing to try my best to make it successful, which is a lot harder than it sounds.
It's just hard to keep going when there is no clear path and no guarantees that it will actually get better and not worse. Sometimes I really wish I could be more positive, and bubbly, and pretend that I don't know anything, and completely ignore all the facts and all my previous negative experiences.
Oh well, I think I just have to somehow keep going, and hope that it does get better, and be happy that I'm one of the lucky few that actually got into this torturous professional program that has the opportunity for me to find a job at the end. Given the economy, a lot of people probably don't understand what I'm complaining about and think would do anything to be in my place, but the problem is that everything is relative, and what's good enough for one, is often not good enough for another person because they come from a different context. My generation, was basically promised that if we worked hard enough, and went to Uni, and got good grades, we can achieve anything...but the recession hit hard, and reality is a lot less rosy. The truth is that in the end, getting that good job or that career has very little to do with how hard you work or what you know but a lot more to do with who you know and luck in general, and how well you play the game.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Another chapter complete- can't say its a good thing
Another chapter of my life is officially complete, with my 1 month dating experience officially over. Of course only after I messaged to check whether it was over, why is it that guys find it okay to assume that its okay to end a relationship by just not replying to a text? Honestly, we prefer to have an official closure, not just a cliff-hanger.
On the bright side, I did beat a previous record of mine of everything ending after 3 dates, this one lasted a miraculous 7 dates over 1 month! Yes I confess, I haven't had a relationship last longer than 1 month, it is a little ridiculous. I've also done a lot of new stuff that I didn't try before, and sort of learned what I liked and disliked and became more comfortable with trying new things.
After much analysis, the theme that kept coming up, was that first off, I was 'different' than other girls, 'smart' for a girl, and busy, and of course want to go 'very slow'. Translation being, that I'm too smart, have too much going on in my life, and am not loose enough...
I know I have a lot of issues, including being busy, anti-social, sarcastic and sometimes negative, and having a low drive, but I sometimes wonder if its at all possible to find a guy that will actually accept me? Is the only way for me to pretend to be someone else? Should I reduce my intelligence level just to satisfy a guy's ego? Should I dress and act more provocately to appear more sexy? I've decided that's just not who I am...and I've already tried pretending and it does backfire in the end.
I mean I admit from the get-go, I don't know how to act or communicate in different social situations and find them very difficult. I have mild asthma and that does restrict my activity level. I'm still in school and my stress is very high, so its nearly impossible for me to be cheerful all the time. I've been through a lot and I can't look at everything through rose-coloured glasses and pretend everything is fine and dandy. And yes I do have a brain and I do think about stuff most people don't think about. Finally it takes me a while to get accustomed to doing things, especially things I've never done before, and I'm not willing to do certain things after only 1 month..
I guess its just too much to ask for a guy to actually accept my flaws and be patient
and actually support me after some tough times, but this experience made me realize that fortunately or unfortunately this is who I am, and I can't hide or lie, or pretend to be someone else.
Maybe I'm destined to be single, who knows..but I'm not going to change myself to satisfy others, since that just makes me more miserable. Right now, I'm taking a break from dating for at least a few months while I'm in school, I think I have enough stress to deal with and maybe I'll be brave enough to try again later.
On the bright side, I did beat a previous record of mine of everything ending after 3 dates, this one lasted a miraculous 7 dates over 1 month! Yes I confess, I haven't had a relationship last longer than 1 month, it is a little ridiculous. I've also done a lot of new stuff that I didn't try before, and sort of learned what I liked and disliked and became more comfortable with trying new things.
After much analysis, the theme that kept coming up, was that first off, I was 'different' than other girls, 'smart' for a girl, and busy, and of course want to go 'very slow'. Translation being, that I'm too smart, have too much going on in my life, and am not loose enough...
I know I have a lot of issues, including being busy, anti-social, sarcastic and sometimes negative, and having a low drive, but I sometimes wonder if its at all possible to find a guy that will actually accept me? Is the only way for me to pretend to be someone else? Should I reduce my intelligence level just to satisfy a guy's ego? Should I dress and act more provocately to appear more sexy? I've decided that's just not who I am...and I've already tried pretending and it does backfire in the end.
I mean I admit from the get-go, I don't know how to act or communicate in different social situations and find them very difficult. I have mild asthma and that does restrict my activity level. I'm still in school and my stress is very high, so its nearly impossible for me to be cheerful all the time. I've been through a lot and I can't look at everything through rose-coloured glasses and pretend everything is fine and dandy. And yes I do have a brain and I do think about stuff most people don't think about. Finally it takes me a while to get accustomed to doing things, especially things I've never done before, and I'm not willing to do certain things after only 1 month..
I guess its just too much to ask for a guy to actually accept my flaws and be patient
and actually support me after some tough times, but this experience made me realize that fortunately or unfortunately this is who I am, and I can't hide or lie, or pretend to be someone else.
Maybe I'm destined to be single, who knows..but I'm not going to change myself to satisfy others, since that just makes me more miserable. Right now, I'm taking a break from dating for at least a few months while I'm in school, I think I have enough stress to deal with and maybe I'll be brave enough to try again later.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Burn Out, depression and disillusionment
I'm really tired now. Tired of all the useless lect and assignments we have in class. Tired of staying up late every night. Tired of the 8-5hour days, then hours of studying. Just really tired...of life in general.
It has become so bad, that I consider just dropping out daily...it is just too stressful and I don't know how much more I can handle. The stress has probably caused the only relationship I've had to dissolve, due to prob me being super stressed all the time, and not having the time to do anything or go anywhere.
It just all doesn't seem worth it anymore...I've disliked most of my placements, still haven't learned to properly deal with people, feel like I don't know anything...and feel like the only reason to continue is for the money. I really feel like I'm cracking...they are making us very miserable. I question whether my life will ever actually improve, or is this what my life will be like? Is there anything for me to look forward to, other than more stress? never-ending school? more family medical problems?
Everything is falling apart and its just really hard to deal with it all.
It has become so bad, that I consider just dropping out daily...it is just too stressful and I don't know how much more I can handle. The stress has probably caused the only relationship I've had to dissolve, due to prob me being super stressed all the time, and not having the time to do anything or go anywhere.
It just all doesn't seem worth it anymore...I've disliked most of my placements, still haven't learned to properly deal with people, feel like I don't know anything...and feel like the only reason to continue is for the money. I really feel like I'm cracking...they are making us very miserable. I question whether my life will ever actually improve, or is this what my life will be like? Is there anything for me to look forward to, other than more stress? never-ending school? more family medical problems?
Everything is falling apart and its just really hard to deal with it all.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Frustration, stress and regret
So school has officially started...and that means that my stress level is through the roof and my patience level is zero. Getting 6 hours of sleep/day for 2 weeks, and being in class for 8hours then studying at home for another 5 hours has been torture. In addition they have decided to add a lot of useless assignments and some that aren't worth anything to the list of things we have to do.
The thing that makes it worse, is that I realized that it wasn't my fault I wasn't getting it, and that there is a better approach and that some universities actually teach, instead of giving assignments, not answering questions, and expecting us to know everything. I had a choice since I had 4 offers to different universities, and my gut told me not to pick what I picked, but I thought, well its close to home, I wouldn't have to cook, I'd continue to live at home, its cheaper...it has a big name...good placements...yeah many many myths. It's been the most stressful experience that I've ever had, have not learned a lot (except the 'self learning'), and have had 3/4 bad clinical experiences.
The main problem now, is getting past the regret, getting through this last unit and passing the board exam, because that's what its about at the end of the day...but the day-day part is exhausting.
Even after a 1.5 years and 4 placements, I still get the nagging feeling of did I make the right choice? Do I have enough confidence, skills, communication skills to even be a good therapist? Do I have the personality? Or will I be one of those completely incompetent therapists, that doesn't know anything? Because that's basically how I feel right now....
Trying to date at the same time, is also becoming too much and I feel I'm doing poorly with both things...
I think what I really need is some sleep to process everything, and I have to keep going no matter how difficult it is because I don't really have another option, or another job lined up...so regret does not really help me at this moment anyway, what I chose is my journey, and I can't go back in time and I don't even know if I'd be more successful in another program, so really without a time machine I'll never really know.
The thing that makes it worse, is that I realized that it wasn't my fault I wasn't getting it, and that there is a better approach and that some universities actually teach, instead of giving assignments, not answering questions, and expecting us to know everything. I had a choice since I had 4 offers to different universities, and my gut told me not to pick what I picked, but I thought, well its close to home, I wouldn't have to cook, I'd continue to live at home, its cheaper...it has a big name...good placements...yeah many many myths. It's been the most stressful experience that I've ever had, have not learned a lot (except the 'self learning'), and have had 3/4 bad clinical experiences.
The main problem now, is getting past the regret, getting through this last unit and passing the board exam, because that's what its about at the end of the day...but the day-day part is exhausting.
Even after a 1.5 years and 4 placements, I still get the nagging feeling of did I make the right choice? Do I have enough confidence, skills, communication skills to even be a good therapist? Do I have the personality? Or will I be one of those completely incompetent therapists, that doesn't know anything? Because that's basically how I feel right now....
Trying to date at the same time, is also becoming too much and I feel I'm doing poorly with both things...
I think what I really need is some sleep to process everything, and I have to keep going no matter how difficult it is because I don't really have another option, or another job lined up...so regret does not really help me at this moment anyway, what I chose is my journey, and I can't go back in time and I don't even know if I'd be more successful in another program, so really without a time machine I'll never really know.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A New Year- new relationships
So I mentioned that surprisingly, I am finding that I am in relationship. In the craziness of the last 3 months, I actually started dating with the help of an online website, which I was very skeptical of and didn't actually believe that it worked.
My first dating experience was not very positive, from the beginning I knew it wouldn't work but I wanted to try and see where it went. The problem was that we came from different classes and different backgrounds. He was used to a more privileged life than I was, and couldn't really understand what my life was like. He was a little too controlling, and I felt that I could never really be honest because he was very judgemental and it was very frustrating. I would choose a restaurant and he would say let's go to a different one for no reason, I would say I'm not comfortable going somewhere and he would pressure me until I said yes. The thing that really irritated me was how impatient he was, he would expect a reply to a text within 1 min, if I would take even 5min, he would send another message and would constantly hound me about responding sooner even though I told him I try to respond as soon as I can and that I'm very busy, which I was. In the end nothing happened, and as with my previous dates, we ran out of stuff to talk about, I started standing up for myself and arguing, and he was frustrated that it wasn't going anywhere and that there was little chemistry, so we thankfully drifted apart. This lasted a whole 4 dates.
My current dating experience, has been like night and day compared to my previous one. It surprised me, because we started dating, when the whole crisis with my grandma started, so I initially felt very very guilty for even going out once a week. He comes from the same background as I do, which makes things a lot easier since I don't have to constantly explain why we move so much, why my english isn't perfect, why I'm frugal and don't go out a lot. It's going very well, and I've lost count of the number of dates we've been on, I should start keeping track, I think its been 6 which is a new record for me! It's been a month so far, and we haven't run out of things to say, he doesn't text every minute, and its a lot more manageable to communicate once a day given my crazy schedule. He's isn't controlling, and doesn't try to force me to go somewhere I'm not comfortable going. He's also very patient, and understands that I don't have a lot of experience with dating and doesn't pressure me. Everyone laughs, because even though he has a good job, we mostly go to free or cheap events, and don't go to that many restaurants but the truth is I actually enjoy it a lot more and myself am not a big spender, and don't want or expect the guy to pay for everything.
The trouble I'm finding is that I'm in uncharted waters. I've never gone out this long without drifting apart and its caught me off guard that I don't want to break up. The problem is I don't know how I feel about it all. There is chemistry between us and a lot of things in common, and I don't feel like I have to hide my true thoughts or feelings, and he actually is good knowing when I'm not truly being honest and usually people can't tell. I still feel nervous around him though, possibly in part because of my previous negative experiences. The other problem is that I don't know what I feel, or how I should feel, sad, happy, anxious... it sounds a little ridiculous but most days in general at home I feel like a robot that has no feelings. I've worked so hard at repressing what I truly feel that I've gotten so good at it that I truly don't feel anything. I thing I've repressed everything as a coping mechanism to deal with everything that's been happening and as a way to become a professional and not become emotionally detached from patients because it was so painful at the beginning that I couldn't do my job. I learned that in the workplace, not only are you expected not to show what you're truly feeling, but you're expected to be happy all the time, and be positive because I'm the one that's supposed to encourage patients to be positive. So in a way I have learned to act happy, and unfortunately, as was proven in my last clinical, when there are a lot of personal problems it becomes really hard to hide them, still appear happy, still take criticism, and still be able to do all the regular tasks and more.
My life right now does feel very robotic. I have endless tasks to do at home, to help my mom cope with having 2 grandparents that rely on us for meds, for food, for entertainment, for keeping them well and as healthy as they can be. As well as dealing with all the regular household tasks, such as endless cleaning, cooking, garbage, and now with everything else, I get to add my insane school schedule, and the stress of it all is already giving me chest pain. So in general my life is mostly on hold, and I live to make sure everyone else is comfortable and happy, and have to constantly keep my own feelings and thoughts in check, because everything is stressful enough as it is, and if I start losing it, or start getting frustrated everything just collapses. So I've learned to be robotic and not feel anything,have basically become an elf that is constantly on the move cooking, cleaning, tidying, studying and make sure everyone else is good, and ignore my own needs and wants and I guess feelings.
What nobody realizes is that these are the exact things that good PT's do, they adapt to different people and solve other people's problems. In doing that they always have to be positive, have exceptional people skills and make everyone comfortable, the problem is that keeping your own feelings in check all the time is really really difficult as I've learned.
So the question becomes, how do I turn my feelings back on, without losing it, and becoming depressed again if things don't work out. Because in additional to everything else, I'm guarded because deep down I know that if I start to try to feel something, I can get hurt, and I don't know if I can take that pain.
How do I let my guard down? Do I drink more, because that seems to be the only thing that helps. No that's prob not a good solution given I got severe alcohol poisoning 2 weeks ago after I gulped 1 glass of wine...How do I keep focus on my schoolwork and actually survive another bad semester, boards, family life, and in addition attempt to maintain a relationship? Is it even possible to juggle so much and have feelings and not break down and start throwing tantrums like I did before? Am I in a way still depressed, and have not really dealt with the underlying issues, but just buried them so deep, so that they don't bother me? Is it possible for me to go back to the hopeful person I was before undergrad squashed all of my hope?
I wish I had more answers than questions, but right now, I've realized that all I'm trying to do is survive one day at a time, and that is probably the best that I could do at the moment given my schedule. I still have a lot of anger and repressed feelings which I'm not ready to deal with and that might be why I don't feel anything. I quess I just have to try to open up more with him, tell him more about my past, and keep trying to think positively, that things will improve, that my family's medical problems will stabilize, that I will finish, that I will find a job, and that eventually I'll be able to have hope again about the future and be able to be happy not just when I drink. Given all the problems in the world, its hard, and its probably something I will continue to struggle with because that is who I am, but I do have to keep trying because being a robot with no feelings is not a good solution to my problems.
My first dating experience was not very positive, from the beginning I knew it wouldn't work but I wanted to try and see where it went. The problem was that we came from different classes and different backgrounds. He was used to a more privileged life than I was, and couldn't really understand what my life was like. He was a little too controlling, and I felt that I could never really be honest because he was very judgemental and it was very frustrating. I would choose a restaurant and he would say let's go to a different one for no reason, I would say I'm not comfortable going somewhere and he would pressure me until I said yes. The thing that really irritated me was how impatient he was, he would expect a reply to a text within 1 min, if I would take even 5min, he would send another message and would constantly hound me about responding sooner even though I told him I try to respond as soon as I can and that I'm very busy, which I was. In the end nothing happened, and as with my previous dates, we ran out of stuff to talk about, I started standing up for myself and arguing, and he was frustrated that it wasn't going anywhere and that there was little chemistry, so we thankfully drifted apart. This lasted a whole 4 dates.
My current dating experience, has been like night and day compared to my previous one. It surprised me, because we started dating, when the whole crisis with my grandma started, so I initially felt very very guilty for even going out once a week. He comes from the same background as I do, which makes things a lot easier since I don't have to constantly explain why we move so much, why my english isn't perfect, why I'm frugal and don't go out a lot. It's going very well, and I've lost count of the number of dates we've been on, I should start keeping track, I think its been 6 which is a new record for me! It's been a month so far, and we haven't run out of things to say, he doesn't text every minute, and its a lot more manageable to communicate once a day given my crazy schedule. He's isn't controlling, and doesn't try to force me to go somewhere I'm not comfortable going. He's also very patient, and understands that I don't have a lot of experience with dating and doesn't pressure me. Everyone laughs, because even though he has a good job, we mostly go to free or cheap events, and don't go to that many restaurants but the truth is I actually enjoy it a lot more and myself am not a big spender, and don't want or expect the guy to pay for everything.
The trouble I'm finding is that I'm in uncharted waters. I've never gone out this long without drifting apart and its caught me off guard that I don't want to break up. The problem is I don't know how I feel about it all. There is chemistry between us and a lot of things in common, and I don't feel like I have to hide my true thoughts or feelings, and he actually is good knowing when I'm not truly being honest and usually people can't tell. I still feel nervous around him though, possibly in part because of my previous negative experiences. The other problem is that I don't know what I feel, or how I should feel, sad, happy, anxious... it sounds a little ridiculous but most days in general at home I feel like a robot that has no feelings. I've worked so hard at repressing what I truly feel that I've gotten so good at it that I truly don't feel anything. I thing I've repressed everything as a coping mechanism to deal with everything that's been happening and as a way to become a professional and not become emotionally detached from patients because it was so painful at the beginning that I couldn't do my job. I learned that in the workplace, not only are you expected not to show what you're truly feeling, but you're expected to be happy all the time, and be positive because I'm the one that's supposed to encourage patients to be positive. So in a way I have learned to act happy, and unfortunately, as was proven in my last clinical, when there are a lot of personal problems it becomes really hard to hide them, still appear happy, still take criticism, and still be able to do all the regular tasks and more.
My life right now does feel very robotic. I have endless tasks to do at home, to help my mom cope with having 2 grandparents that rely on us for meds, for food, for entertainment, for keeping them well and as healthy as they can be. As well as dealing with all the regular household tasks, such as endless cleaning, cooking, garbage, and now with everything else, I get to add my insane school schedule, and the stress of it all is already giving me chest pain. So in general my life is mostly on hold, and I live to make sure everyone else is comfortable and happy, and have to constantly keep my own feelings and thoughts in check, because everything is stressful enough as it is, and if I start losing it, or start getting frustrated everything just collapses. So I've learned to be robotic and not feel anything,have basically become an elf that is constantly on the move cooking, cleaning, tidying, studying and make sure everyone else is good, and ignore my own needs and wants and I guess feelings.
What nobody realizes is that these are the exact things that good PT's do, they adapt to different people and solve other people's problems. In doing that they always have to be positive, have exceptional people skills and make everyone comfortable, the problem is that keeping your own feelings in check all the time is really really difficult as I've learned.
So the question becomes, how do I turn my feelings back on, without losing it, and becoming depressed again if things don't work out. Because in additional to everything else, I'm guarded because deep down I know that if I start to try to feel something, I can get hurt, and I don't know if I can take that pain.
How do I let my guard down? Do I drink more, because that seems to be the only thing that helps. No that's prob not a good solution given I got severe alcohol poisoning 2 weeks ago after I gulped 1 glass of wine...How do I keep focus on my schoolwork and actually survive another bad semester, boards, family life, and in addition attempt to maintain a relationship? Is it even possible to juggle so much and have feelings and not break down and start throwing tantrums like I did before? Am I in a way still depressed, and have not really dealt with the underlying issues, but just buried them so deep, so that they don't bother me? Is it possible for me to go back to the hopeful person I was before undergrad squashed all of my hope?
I wish I had more answers than questions, but right now, I've realized that all I'm trying to do is survive one day at a time, and that is probably the best that I could do at the moment given my schedule. I still have a lot of anger and repressed feelings which I'm not ready to deal with and that might be why I don't feel anything. I quess I just have to try to open up more with him, tell him more about my past, and keep trying to think positively, that things will improve, that my family's medical problems will stabilize, that I will finish, that I will find a job, and that eventually I'll be able to have hope again about the future and be able to be happy not just when I drink. Given all the problems in the world, its hard, and its probably something I will continue to struggle with because that is who I am, but I do have to keep trying because being a robot with no feelings is not a good solution to my problems.
Happy New Year!
So it's officially 2012! I'm thrilled 2011 is over because its been a nightmare from start to end. It started with an insane MSK unit, which I still don't understand how I and a lot of other people survived. Continued with 2 placements, one so bad that I really doubted why I was crazy enough to put myself through this. It continued with a summer semester which was at least survivable. Some research in the fall and 2 more placements in winter which have while not great at least have been manageable if it were not for the family emergencies...
I've lost count the number of family issues....from my dad's non healing rotator cuff tear, to my mom's cataracts (which she doesn't want to fix), to my own asthma issues which make going downtown an absolute torture, to my grandfather's bedbugs then uncontrollable glaucoma, strange fainting episodes/heart problems, and then pneumonia. Now if all that wasn't enough, to finish the year with a bang, my grandmother's hip fracture, surgery, delirium, MI, stents, constant syncope episodes, and the final escape from the hospital. It's definitely been a hell of a ride.
Now this year, has also taught me a lot, and has really forced me to get out of my shell, because guess what to become a professional and treat patients, I have to actually communicate with others! I also have to at least appear professional and confident. All the medical family problems have given more medical experience than any books can ever teach you, and have taught me how to figure out how to advocate, put up a fight, and if you have to go against what the doctors advice and go home and try to manage tough conditions at home which can is a lot tougher than it sounds.
Surprisingly, through all the craziness, and against my own fears I've gone on a few dates with a few different people, and now find myself in an actual relationship! This has been very unexpected because I've convinced myself that it would not be possible to ever be in a relationship, given the multitude of problems I have, my pessimistic and sceptical nature, my busy family life and my non-stop school schedule, but even though it takes a lot of planning and compromise, it's actually semi-possible and I'm semi-happy! I've also met a lot of amazing fellow students who have helped me get through the really tough times which I'm grateful for because without their support and help, I don't think I would be able to survive all the anatomy bell-ringers, practical exams, and bad clinical experiences.
All in all, I'm hoping that 2012 will be a better year for everyone, I make no resolutions anymore because they inevitably end up being broken, but let me be a broken record and wish everyone good health, happiness and well-being in 2012!
I've lost count the number of family issues....from my dad's non healing rotator cuff tear, to my mom's cataracts (which she doesn't want to fix), to my own asthma issues which make going downtown an absolute torture, to my grandfather's bedbugs then uncontrollable glaucoma, strange fainting episodes/heart problems, and then pneumonia. Now if all that wasn't enough, to finish the year with a bang, my grandmother's hip fracture, surgery, delirium, MI, stents, constant syncope episodes, and the final escape from the hospital. It's definitely been a hell of a ride.
Now this year, has also taught me a lot, and has really forced me to get out of my shell, because guess what to become a professional and treat patients, I have to actually communicate with others! I also have to at least appear professional and confident. All the medical family problems have given more medical experience than any books can ever teach you, and have taught me how to figure out how to advocate, put up a fight, and if you have to go against what the doctors advice and go home and try to manage tough conditions at home which can is a lot tougher than it sounds.
Surprisingly, through all the craziness, and against my own fears I've gone on a few dates with a few different people, and now find myself in an actual relationship! This has been very unexpected because I've convinced myself that it would not be possible to ever be in a relationship, given the multitude of problems I have, my pessimistic and sceptical nature, my busy family life and my non-stop school schedule, but even though it takes a lot of planning and compromise, it's actually semi-possible and I'm semi-happy! I've also met a lot of amazing fellow students who have helped me get through the really tough times which I'm grateful for because without their support and help, I don't think I would be able to survive all the anatomy bell-ringers, practical exams, and bad clinical experiences.
All in all, I'm hoping that 2012 will be a better year for everyone, I make no resolutions anymore because they inevitably end up being broken, but let me be a broken record and wish everyone good health, happiness and well-being in 2012!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)