Letting go and not feeling guilty about the decisions I’ve made.

I’ve really been struggling over the past couple of days to focus on studying, and I realized the major problem is I feel like my mind is still at my old job and I feel very guilty about leaving. I’m the type of person that obsesses constantly about the things I choose to do, and its been hard because there have been so many changes in the past month that I haven’t really had time to process and accept them.

                  

I really shouldn’t feel guilty at all about leaving, because there were so many problems that now I’m surprised at myself that I actually lasted 6 months there. I really wanted to publish a post I write that was actually 4 pages long regarding how many problems there actually were and why I left, but to shorten it, the major deciding factor in the end was billing issues, and the major concern I had was that I could potentially lose my license or get a record and it wouldn’t be over something I had done wrong, but the fraudulent billing by the clinic. That was the issue that made me wake up from my reality and give my notice. I’m still terrified that they’re billing something under my name that I didn’t do…that’s how bad it got. But the owner made me feel so bad and guilty that its almost like I somehow betrayed her for leaving when in reality I followed all the standard protocol. The only thing I left out was the real reason I’m leaving and basically made it seem all about the crazy commuting (which was a major issue, but wasn’t the main one).

The truth is, for some reason when companies take new grads and train them, as well as sign some forms, they feel like they’re doing you a big favour, and in return you owe them a lifetime of loyalty and servitude. This is what the manager thought she was getting, and I of course tried my best to act as if I knew nothing about business and am really a naïve new grad that will do anything to please everyone and agree with everything they say… well… apparently I was a very good actor and they didn’t realize that I had enough life experience under my belt (ie: screwed multiple times) that I knew I don’t owe a company anything as they would fire me the minute I stopped being the person I pretended to be. They didn’t keep me informed about the political issues and tried to hide them, but they forgot to realize that there is a lot of gossip in every company and I’ve learned a lot from that. I also developed a lot of detective skills, and therefore was able to get a lot more information about the real issues when I did some detective work myself when no one was looking.

At some point, I realized that working for free, destroying my hands, and being very stressed as well as possibly getting a record was worse than burning a bridge and enduring the wrath of a manager. A week after the whole thing blew over, I definitely don’t regret it! The only thing I do regret was possibly not giving an earlier notice, but honestly I only had the one unstable job at the that point, and really did think about making it work, but as the other job fell into my lap, I knew I couldn’t pass it up, and really gave my notice the next day.

I think the one thing that has been a commending theme with me, is that I have to stop taking on other people’s problems and blaming myself, because I will go crazy and have enough problems of my own! It is not my problem if and when they find another person to take over my very part-time position, and whether they lose clients in the process…. It is their choice to do bad billing, see 4 patients/hour and keep people waiting for an hour for their appointment. They put me through a lot of stress and even though they did train me, I put in a lot of unpaid time as well. I am an employee and I do have the right to change jobs with a given notice and I did just that. I do have the right to pursue better opportunities for my career and for my life and I am not going to keep feeling guilty for that.

I am going thinking about it, and I will attempt to focus on the actual problems I do have such as a very important exam that is coming in 2 weeks for which I am not prepared at all! That should ultimately, be the only problem right now, and I will put all the other ones on the back burner and will deal with them when the time comes! 

Job opportunities and regret

It’s funny because even though I have 2 part-time jobs, I’m actually looking with envy at all the other job opportunities I’ve passed up! I think I truly have lost it, I mean I’m already working 6 days/week in 2 good clinics, how the heck, can I think about working more…

                             

I think the problem is I want too much too soon….I have only been registered for 3 months, I’m only turning 25, and already I’m thinking about opening my own clinic, working with doctors….it is a little nuts. After my last job, I think I need a little time to decompress, and regain some of the confidence I’ve lost, before I jump into something even more challenging. I look at the successful clinics around my area, and it kills me that I can’t join in on the action, but….I need save some capital….as well as gain some more experience working with normal people and how to establish those very important connections.

I should be thankful for the opportunities I have, because my friends who are in the hospital industry, are living contract to contract and once your contract expires, it could take months before you get another one. So my 2 part-time jobs which right now stands at 40hours, and will most likely increase to 60 hours in the next couple of weeks, is quite crazy as it is. They both pay really well, and I’m not forced to see a lot of patients which means I can save my hands.

I have to look at it in a different way….first off, out of the offers I did get, these 2 are the better ones….I’m thankfully done with my previous job and my license is indeed intact. Yes there is a possibility that I could have gotten another offer or two, but those are possibilities, and I might have not gotten them, and who knows if I’m seriously ready for those type of crazy work environments yet….I need to build up my experience a bit more before I jump in.

To be honest, I can’t believe the huge number of job opportunities there actually are at the moment. It seems like there is a shortage in the private sector, which is a little insane to me! When all the other industries are in decline, I quess people are still willing to spend money on rehab!

The main issue I’m facing right now is I have an exam in 2 weeks and I can’t seem to force myself to actually study for it, which is scaring me a bit. I never realized just how difficult it is, to memorize useless information after you’ve started working and know how useless all this info is! I know that I don’t use any of this, and that makes it that much harder to actually concentrate and memorize because it is so boring! The other problem, is of course that I’m working, and I’m not used to working and studying at the same time. I’m used to just focusing on studying, trying to combine the two is a bit more challenging than I initially anticipated.. one of the reasons is because my brain is thinking about work, and all the things I need to research and get done there… and trying to divide my concentration is a tad challenging. Even my strategy of attempting to study at night isn’t working, because I’m so exhausted I just fall asleep.

I think I need a new strategy, because I know if I were to study for 12-14 hours straight, I could get a lot done, because there really isn’t that much information and it’s not that new, it’s just I have to get through it. So I need to set myself a reward… for every 2 hours that I study, I will get to eat a snack, but only if I actually study for 2 hours. I will also set myself a goal of reading 200 pages in 1 day, that means 200/12=20 pages an hour…a page in 3 minutes…yes I know a little intense, but I really really need to get through this information because I’m quickly running out of time. So tomorrow I’m going to shut myself in my room, and literally read from 8am-12pm (16hours) with a couple of breaks for food and try to get through as much as I can. Then I will hopefully get 5hours on Monday (6-12pm) to continue studying and another 4 hours on Tuesday (10-2pm) and 4 hours Wednesday (8-12pm), Thursday and Friday. That means no more computer for the next 2 weeks, no more news to distract me, unless I badly need a break.. and if I’m really getting stuck on a page, I need to just highlight as much as I can and move on, because I just don’t have the time to spend on it. Hopefully this strategy works and then I will survive the next 2 weeks without looking like a complete zombie again!

Now then, no more posts for 2 weeks! 

New jobs and new life

Wow, what a difference a couple of days make! I didn’t realize how much stress and pressure there was in my previous jobs, I feel like a much happier person, now that I finally finished with it, and even though, I’m going to be working 6 days a week, the jobs are a lot closer, and have much more reasonable hours so I actually feel like a normal human being instead of being a night worker that comes home at 11pm.

                                                

Everyone is noticing, that I seem more relaxed, not as anxious, as well as more confident and not as stressed, frustrated and not communicable. I feel like a large weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My acne and breakouts have become much less and a lot more manageable, my nerve pain in the foot has gone, and I’m working on stabilizing the instability that’s developed in my ankle after 2 work related bad ankle sprains. I feel like no one is breathing down my neck about some ridiculous uncompleted paperwork that I need to get done, no more tracking patients, and trying to convince them to come back when they have no desire to and no more calling insurance companies to try to get more funding. No more 6 cancellations/no shows out of 12 patients in on day (the day off) and no more patients being 30minutes to 2 hours late! Also no more 4hours of commuting a day! It definitely feels like a breath of fresh air that I’m actually able to be home by 7:30pm or 8 and not 11 that I have gotten used to, and I’m definitely a lot less exhausted because the clients don’t suck out all the energy that I have, as I can keep a more professional distance and they’re not as clingy which is nice. 

This is what I imagined working would be like, I didn’t realize that the past 6 months, mostly felt like an extension of my placement and I still felt like a student that has to constantly report to her mentor. Now that I got the job as an independently registered professional, I feel more like a professional, and more responsible for my actions but I’m also viewed differently by the employers. I can’t say, my skill set is any different, but I am more confident in general, and can better pretend that I know what I’m talking about, even though most of the time I truly have no idea whether the treatment is working, whether the intensity is too high, and whether I should stop. In one of the clinics there is a lot of great equipment, which I have a very basic understanding of as we learned nothing about laser or radial shockwave at school, and I’m basically learning as I got, which is definitely one way of learning, but I do sometimes I could get some more guidance, but hey it definitely challenges me and is quite interesting. That’s what I wanted out of a job, I did not want to be the billing and administrative assistant that deals with insurance companies. I wanted to be the therapist, and I wasn’t getting that opportunity in my job, and I’m very thrilled to finally get that chance.

I’m also self-employed in my new jobs, and honestly I like it a lot more. Some people like the stability of a regular paycheque, and the 37.5hours/week, but to me it was suffocating. I felt like because I was an employee, they owned me, and I had to ask permission about every tiny little thing. Now, as I’m independent, if I want I can take a couple of hours or days off if needed without much fuss and mayhem. I can choose to work 12 hour days and as I’m currently choosing 40hours which will hopefully build up to 50-60hours in a couple of weeks (a little crazy but I’ll take it).

It’s definitely different and challenging to jump into something completely unknown, but it is also quite exciting and so far I’m enjoying it! I need to challenge myself and that’s the best way to learn and to advance my own skills which I need to do if I want to continue developing as a therapist.