So a few days ago I found out that my first will be in a rehab hospital with neuro outpatients. I can't say I am totally thrilled or totally unhappy, since it is an interesting placement in a good hospital but....it is not what I expected since to get there will take me an hour and 2 transfers in the transit as well as a 15 min walk...I just have to think that it could have been worse.....and I should be thankful that it's not a 2 hour commute each way, (yes that is possible in the city that I live).
I am now more scared of actually someone expecting that I know something, when in fact I know absolutely nothing and am afraid that I definitely won't be strong enough to accomplish anything. My fears have gotten so bad that I actually only had 2 hours of sleep one day and still went to school and somehow did not hurt myself.
It is one thing to do something in class or lab on classmates but a whole other thing to actually be expected to work with real patients with real disorders...
I just have to take a deep breath forgot about it for the time being and focus on surviving and passing in the next 3 weeks, but that will definitely not be easy.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Adventures in the past 2 days
So..In the past 2 days, I have managed to fall in the bathtub and hit my back, miss my stop in transit since I forgot to put on an alarm (yes I need an alarm to wake me up), and produce a burn/touch a nerve on another student ie. my first patient.
Yes it has been a wonderful 2 days, where I've learned that 6 hours of sleep is not enough for being in class from 8-5...well at least I didn't have another nervous breakdown, I have figured out that the solution to that issue is to study in the bathroom. Did I mention that my last dream was that the apocalypse has arrived?
Can't wait for what happens in the next 3 weeks....
Yes it has been a wonderful 2 days, where I've learned that 6 hours of sleep is not enough for being in class from 8-5...well at least I didn't have another nervous breakdown, I have figured out that the solution to that issue is to study in the bathroom. Did I mention that my last dream was that the apocalypse has arrived?
Can't wait for what happens in the next 3 weeks....
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The Idea of being in Control
The last 2 days have been hard. After a 2-week break I am already overwhelmed, exhausted and am constantly doubting myself. I feel like I cannot control anything anymore, not when I wake up (6am) not when I go to sleep (1-2pm), not my mood (tired), or my life in general.
This all reached a boiling point yesterday, when I lost it...again....probably from the lack of sleep, and the constant stress of school....but the in the middle of the crisis my mom said 'you can't control everything' its amazing how moms have all the answers...
It's a simple message but not an easy one to accept. But the problem is the more we try to control things the less in control we feel, and eventually it all reaches a crisis point in which we have to realize that ultimately we can try to control our lives but they will not turn out exactly the way we want...
Life is about constant change and constant adaptation, and whenever we think we are comfortable in our life something happens that changes everything in a heartbeat.....
I mean 4 years ago.... I had this grand plan of going to a Carribean med school, graduating and becoming a doctor in an underseviced area in north ontario. I already planned everything out, how I was going to live there, go to a residency in US, get the money from my parents....then I started noticing small problems with my plan...
no green card? no problem, I'll just get married there....hard? no problem I'll study very very hard....and so on...until I realized its just not for me.
How I ended up in PT is still a mystery to me, since I didn't know what a PT was 4 years ago let alone thinking about applying to this program, for this knowledge I have a classmate to thank who told me about it and who I will never forget, yet she doesn't even know my name.
It just never get's easier, sometimes I want time to just stop for a few minutes and to get accustomed to the new world but it never does and around the corner there is a new bus to catch that is late, a new condition to learn to assess and treat, a new family emergency, a new condo replacing a park, and new planes flying ever closer to your home. But that is life, and the one thing I have learned in the past 4 months is to expect the unexpected, accept the changes and try to keep living one day to the next and embracing the constant lack of control that makes life interesting.
This all reached a boiling point yesterday, when I lost it...again....probably from the lack of sleep, and the constant stress of school....but the in the middle of the crisis my mom said 'you can't control everything' its amazing how moms have all the answers...
It's a simple message but not an easy one to accept. But the problem is the more we try to control things the less in control we feel, and eventually it all reaches a crisis point in which we have to realize that ultimately we can try to control our lives but they will not turn out exactly the way we want...
Life is about constant change and constant adaptation, and whenever we think we are comfortable in our life something happens that changes everything in a heartbeat.....
I mean 4 years ago.... I had this grand plan of going to a Carribean med school, graduating and becoming a doctor in an underseviced area in north ontario. I already planned everything out, how I was going to live there, go to a residency in US, get the money from my parents....then I started noticing small problems with my plan...
no green card? no problem, I'll just get married there....hard? no problem I'll study very very hard....and so on...until I realized its just not for me.
How I ended up in PT is still a mystery to me, since I didn't know what a PT was 4 years ago let alone thinking about applying to this program, for this knowledge I have a classmate to thank who told me about it and who I will never forget, yet she doesn't even know my name.
It just never get's easier, sometimes I want time to just stop for a few minutes and to get accustomed to the new world but it never does and around the corner there is a new bus to catch that is late, a new condition to learn to assess and treat, a new family emergency, a new condo replacing a park, and new planes flying ever closer to your home. But that is life, and the one thing I have learned in the past 4 months is to expect the unexpected, accept the changes and try to keep living one day to the next and embracing the constant lack of control that makes life interesting.
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