During my 22 years on this planet, I have managed to live in 3 different countries, 4 different cities and probably about 10 different apartments/houses, so needless to say change has been a constant medium.
You would think that after moving so much I would be used to change? Unfortunately no, I think I am more stressed about change now, as compared to when I was younger because I can understand and process a lot more than before and can guide my own decisions which has its own problems.
Although in the last few years, I've realized that change can mean many things and can include new medical conditions, new friends, growing up, starting a new program, parents job insecurity, house renovations, tenants, and learning to deal with patients and internalizing their own problems. It is hard to deal with any one of those problems separately, but when those problems get combined together in a 3 month period, needless to say stress is the only thing that is constant.
I am jealous of stability, I am really jealous of people that live in one place for their whole lives, get to know their neighbourhood, develop friendships and relationships. For some reason everyone always thinks the grass is greener on the other side until that is they cross to the other side. Let me tell you there is nothing glamorous about constantly having to move, and adjust your life, it sucks.
Now, the constant change that my life revolves around is my program, where every week we have different quest lectures, different labs, and different clinical sessions and of course the ever changing commuting of 2 hours per day. What the profs don't realize is our brain cannot process and remember an infinite amount of information and eventually stops accepting new information. But of course from their perspective everything is important, since we might decided to work in apparently 20 different fields at the same time and should know a bit about everything. To me that logic is definitely flawed since we end up not being competent in anything.
On the other hand, some people do love it though, or at least get accustomed to it a lot more than me. Due to globalization and easy air travel, people can easily move from one country to another in a matter of hours, and if they are allowed can stay for a few years, and then move on to another country. This is sort of what is occuring in Europe, with the collapse of the economy of Ireland, Greece, Iceland, and eastern europe countries such as Latvia, Estonia, Ukraine, and other countries.
The young people from these countries realize that there are no jobs and no future and therefore they get a visa, get on a plane and travel to other countries to live and work such as Australia, England and Canada. I have had the pleasure of living with some of them, and it truly is inspiring how determined and how appreciative they are of some of the things we take for granted. Some have nothing but yet, are happier than a lot of other I know that seem to have everything. The weird thing, is to them it is not strange to constantly new and some find it exciting to see these new places and then move to another place.
In a way, the olden days of living in one spot for the rest of your life are gone, since people move to other cities/countries for school, work, marriage and any other host of reasons to other countries and the world has definitely shrunk in the past 30 years since travel and borders have been opened. In addition back when we were hunters and gathers, nobody lived in one place anyway, and people migrated with the animals since that was their livelihood.
I think, the people from eastern Europe have the right idea, that life should be looked as a series of adventures instead of problems, and every setback is just another adventure or chapter in a book that leads you to discover more about the world and broadens your outlook about life in general.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Haiti and the long road to recovery
Just wanted to post the video I was talking about in my previous post about Haiti and how the people with disabilities are coping.
http://www.cbc.ca/video/#/News/1221258968/ID=1660798309
http://www.cbc.ca/video/#/News/1221258968/ID=1660798309
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Is doing nothing wrong?
So today, on the national on cbc there was an interesting video about life in Haiti and how the people that were 'saved' are doing. The real issue that came up was whether saving people caused more suffering.
Basically, Haiti, is not equipped to help people that have different disabilities. What happens when a person with a spinal cord injury goes back home, where 'home' is 20 steep steps up a cliff where no wheelchair can go down? Are we just delaying death since they have no way of getting back to the hospital?
The problem that most people don't think about is that the initial saving of lives is only a first step, and the real challenge begins when these people have to get back to their previous jobs and lives, the question becomes is that even possible with a very unaccessible country and where people with disabilities are shunned by the other communities.
So the question becomes is it better not to save people that do not have the resources in place to have a good quality of life? That is a very controversial question, but sometimes doing nothing prevents many months or years of suffering debilitating pain, bedsores, and being bedbound in a place with few medications and no accessibility. If the international community wants to be involved in 'saving lives' they have to think about the future lives these people will lead, and commit to helping them rehabilitate, not just leave after the acute part of the disaster is done.
http://www.cbc.ca/thenational/blog/2010/11/haitis-invisible-ones.html
Basically, Haiti, is not equipped to help people that have different disabilities. What happens when a person with a spinal cord injury goes back home, where 'home' is 20 steep steps up a cliff where no wheelchair can go down? Are we just delaying death since they have no way of getting back to the hospital?
The problem that most people don't think about is that the initial saving of lives is only a first step, and the real challenge begins when these people have to get back to their previous jobs and lives, the question becomes is that even possible with a very unaccessible country and where people with disabilities are shunned by the other communities.
So the question becomes is it better not to save people that do not have the resources in place to have a good quality of life? That is a very controversial question, but sometimes doing nothing prevents many months or years of suffering debilitating pain, bedsores, and being bedbound in a place with few medications and no accessibility. If the international community wants to be involved in 'saving lives' they have to think about the future lives these people will lead, and commit to helping them rehabilitate, not just leave after the acute part of the disaster is done.
http://www.cbc.ca/thenational/blog/2010/11/haitis-invisible-ones.html
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Impact of asthma and asthma meds
Warning: Again I am not a doctor, whatever you do, do not listen to me or take my experience or advice, please listen to your own doctor.
So, after I was 'diagnosed' with asthma, I decided to start doing my own research...I learned that whenever I have an issue breathing or my chest hurt, I am supposed to use the inhaler to relieve my symptoms, since that is what it's for right? So I started using it....and it worked, I could take deeper breaths instead of gasping, and the pain in my chest went away....There was just one problem, I started feeling my heart....
Now, I didn't attribute the palpitations to my inhaler, I just thought, ohh it must be a normal part of my asthma now, to feel my heartbeat even if I didn't use the inhaler for 2 months.....Did I go to the doctor? You can probably guess that I didn't since I didn't think it was a big issue, I mean at least I didn't have chest pain anymore....
The problem was that the constant palpitations meant that I couldn't concentrate that much anymore, since all I thought about was the lub-dub, and I had trouble sleeping, since I would hear the heartbeat and it would scare me....
It took a long time for me to figure out that the inhaler was causing the palpitations, and only now do I realize that they are actually a sign of PAC heart ryhthm abnormality....Once I did figure it out, I stopped using the inhaler, and after 6 months-1 year my heart rate went back down to normal and my palpitations stopped....
Was it a coincidence? Yes it could have been due to stress although I wasn't that stressed at the time, but it is a known side effect and the meds can cause palpitations and could in some cases cause arrhythmia's.
Now don't get me wrong I am not advocating that everyone should stop taking inhalers since everyone is different and I may just be that rare example of a person that has those rare side effects, and the only reason I get away with not using them is because my asthma is mild.
How do I manage? I do wheeze daily, and generally am able to hide it well and I do sometimes get chest pain. Also about a 2 weeks ago, after a 10 hour day and standing for an hour with a backpack I did get an attack, and it took me an hour to relax, and get my breathing and wheezing under control. But it doesn't affect my daily functioning that much and the wheezing stop after a while.
My point is that sometimes it is important to weigh the risks versus the benefits when using medications, in my case, since my symptoms are mild and I can survive without it, I do, since I do not want the palpitations to come back. On the other hand, a person who is constantly SOB, can't concentrate and is at risk of dying due to a closed airway, obviously needs the meds to survive and lead a normal life.
The problem is that often all patients regardless of their symptoms are often prescribed the same medications without taking into account individual differences and without being educated about the risks.
So, after I was 'diagnosed' with asthma, I decided to start doing my own research...I learned that whenever I have an issue breathing or my chest hurt, I am supposed to use the inhaler to relieve my symptoms, since that is what it's for right? So I started using it....and it worked, I could take deeper breaths instead of gasping, and the pain in my chest went away....There was just one problem, I started feeling my heart....
Now, I didn't attribute the palpitations to my inhaler, I just thought, ohh it must be a normal part of my asthma now, to feel my heartbeat even if I didn't use the inhaler for 2 months.....Did I go to the doctor? You can probably guess that I didn't since I didn't think it was a big issue, I mean at least I didn't have chest pain anymore....
The problem was that the constant palpitations meant that I couldn't concentrate that much anymore, since all I thought about was the lub-dub, and I had trouble sleeping, since I would hear the heartbeat and it would scare me....
It took a long time for me to figure out that the inhaler was causing the palpitations, and only now do I realize that they are actually a sign of PAC heart ryhthm abnormality....Once I did figure it out, I stopped using the inhaler, and after 6 months-1 year my heart rate went back down to normal and my palpitations stopped....
Was it a coincidence? Yes it could have been due to stress although I wasn't that stressed at the time, but it is a known side effect and the meds can cause palpitations and could in some cases cause arrhythmia's.
Now don't get me wrong I am not advocating that everyone should stop taking inhalers since everyone is different and I may just be that rare example of a person that has those rare side effects, and the only reason I get away with not using them is because my asthma is mild.
How do I manage? I do wheeze daily, and generally am able to hide it well and I do sometimes get chest pain. Also about a 2 weeks ago, after a 10 hour day and standing for an hour with a backpack I did get an attack, and it took me an hour to relax, and get my breathing and wheezing under control. But it doesn't affect my daily functioning that much and the wheezing stop after a while.
My point is that sometimes it is important to weigh the risks versus the benefits when using medications, in my case, since my symptoms are mild and I can survive without it, I do, since I do not want the palpitations to come back. On the other hand, a person who is constantly SOB, can't concentrate and is at risk of dying due to a closed airway, obviously needs the meds to survive and lead a normal life.
The problem is that often all patients regardless of their symptoms are often prescribed the same medications without taking into account individual differences and without being educated about the risks.
asthma diagnosis
Warning: This blog is not meant to give any medical advice, please don't follow my bad practices, and always, always follow your doctor's advice. I do not mean to scare anyone, and everyone responds to medicine differently, my response is usually extreme compared to the general population, so please do not think that this applies to you.
YES I do have Asthma! It does feel good to admit that, since for a long time, I have been denying it and convincing myself that it's not true.
So how was I diagnosed? Well it all started in 1st year of uni.... I completed my first year of university and decided for some reason that still escapes me to take a summer course....well by the end of march my body was tired, exhausted and immuno-suppressed, and of course I got sick. I did stay home for a week to get better and then after a week, started going out again but my cough never went away.
Some might say that's normal right? That's what I thought, even though my mom was urging me to start antibiotics, I was stubborn and knew that "if you use too many antibiotics, resistance will increase" at least that's what they taught us and what I constantly read, so I was stupid and ignored my mom's advice....
A week later, I was sitting in my room studying and noticed I couldn't take a breath in...I couldn't breath, couldn't talk and started gasping, let me tell it's SCARY the first time it happens, VERY SCARY, well my parents were terrified and drove me to the emerg, where guess what the first thing the triage nurse asked? where's your inhaler!
I of course, didn't know what an inhaler was and answered I didn't have one, after which the nice nurse proceeded to tell me that hyperventilating does not help, and I needed to take deeper breaths...and guess what? my attack stopped....I was breathing normally again....now after another 3 hours waiting in the emerg, and an x-ray that was normal, a doctor saw me for 2 minutes, listened to my lungs (where I'm guessing he heard the wheezing) and said I have asthma...yes 2 minutes for the diagnosis and explanation that changed my life, I should have timed it!
I then was put on the neb for 5 min, was given an asthma inhaler and was sent on my way, miraculously we actually convinced the doctor to also give antibiotics since I had a fever.
It took 2 months to recover from that 'cold' with the antibiotics at home...only now I also had a constant fear of going to sleep and not being able to breath so I would have panic attacks and hyperventilate and of course used my inhaler for them....no I wasn't educated about asthma anywhere, or any symptoms, since in wonderful ontario, I don't have a family doctor, and if I did, I would have to wait 2 weeks to see them...and another year for for a possible referral to a pulmonologist....
So do I have asthma? Or was it just a case of bronchitis? Well with the antibiotics the cough and fever did go away, but the wheezing and hypersecretions didn't, so my guess is that I DID have acute bronchitis and that was causing the cough but because I didn't treat the infection quickly I developed some permanent asthma symptoms which I can't cure.
Should I have gone to the doctor and have been properly diagnosed? Still undecided on that, since the walk-in doc has only 10 min to spend with me, and in my case it's not that clear. Plus the only thing the doc could do is tell me to take the inhalers if I have symptoms.
After the 'cold', I decided to took charge of my own health and started researching diet and sickness. I ended up adding more dairy to my diet, and I chose to eliminate sugar. I basically would not eat any cookies, cake, sugar, honey, sweet juice or donughts, am I crazy? YES, but I was desperate to do something to not get sick anymore, and for me it actually worked and I do get sick with less frequency and severity. Of course stress is also a major factor, and after that year, I ended up switching majors because I realized that I hated it, was very stressed and my health was suffering.
Also, as controversial as this is, if I have a cold now, I don't let it get as bad as before. My rule is that if I'm still coughing badly after 10 days, I go to the doc and ask for antibiotics, since I know that personally, my cough will not go away on its own and it WILL get worse. I realize that this is contrary to what most people should do, but because of my asthma and hypersecretions, the infection does NOT go away on it's own, and my body needs help treating the infection.
YES I do have Asthma! It does feel good to admit that, since for a long time, I have been denying it and convincing myself that it's not true.
So how was I diagnosed? Well it all started in 1st year of uni.... I completed my first year of university and decided for some reason that still escapes me to take a summer course....well by the end of march my body was tired, exhausted and immuno-suppressed, and of course I got sick. I did stay home for a week to get better and then after a week, started going out again but my cough never went away.
Some might say that's normal right? That's what I thought, even though my mom was urging me to start antibiotics, I was stubborn and knew that "if you use too many antibiotics, resistance will increase" at least that's what they taught us and what I constantly read, so I was stupid and ignored my mom's advice....
A week later, I was sitting in my room studying and noticed I couldn't take a breath in...I couldn't breath, couldn't talk and started gasping, let me tell it's SCARY the first time it happens, VERY SCARY, well my parents were terrified and drove me to the emerg, where guess what the first thing the triage nurse asked? where's your inhaler!
I of course, didn't know what an inhaler was and answered I didn't have one, after which the nice nurse proceeded to tell me that hyperventilating does not help, and I needed to take deeper breaths...and guess what? my attack stopped....I was breathing normally again....now after another 3 hours waiting in the emerg, and an x-ray that was normal, a doctor saw me for 2 minutes, listened to my lungs (where I'm guessing he heard the wheezing) and said I have asthma...yes 2 minutes for the diagnosis and explanation that changed my life, I should have timed it!
I then was put on the neb for 5 min, was given an asthma inhaler and was sent on my way, miraculously we actually convinced the doctor to also give antibiotics since I had a fever.
It took 2 months to recover from that 'cold' with the antibiotics at home...only now I also had a constant fear of going to sleep and not being able to breath so I would have panic attacks and hyperventilate and of course used my inhaler for them....no I wasn't educated about asthma anywhere, or any symptoms, since in wonderful ontario, I don't have a family doctor, and if I did, I would have to wait 2 weeks to see them...and another year for for a possible referral to a pulmonologist....
So do I have asthma? Or was it just a case of bronchitis? Well with the antibiotics the cough and fever did go away, but the wheezing and hypersecretions didn't, so my guess is that I DID have acute bronchitis and that was causing the cough but because I didn't treat the infection quickly I developed some permanent asthma symptoms which I can't cure.
Should I have gone to the doctor and have been properly diagnosed? Still undecided on that, since the walk-in doc has only 10 min to spend with me, and in my case it's not that clear. Plus the only thing the doc could do is tell me to take the inhalers if I have symptoms.
After the 'cold', I decided to took charge of my own health and started researching diet and sickness. I ended up adding more dairy to my diet, and I chose to eliminate sugar. I basically would not eat any cookies, cake, sugar, honey, sweet juice or donughts, am I crazy? YES, but I was desperate to do something to not get sick anymore, and for me it actually worked and I do get sick with less frequency and severity. Of course stress is also a major factor, and after that year, I ended up switching majors because I realized that I hated it, was very stressed and my health was suffering.
Also, as controversial as this is, if I have a cold now, I don't let it get as bad as before. My rule is that if I'm still coughing badly after 10 days, I go to the doc and ask for antibiotics, since I know that personally, my cough will not go away on its own and it WILL get worse. I realize that this is contrary to what most people should do, but because of my asthma and hypersecretions, the infection does NOT go away on it's own, and my body needs help treating the infection.
Monday, November 15, 2010
'You can do anything' myth and settling
Warning: another venting post.
So today, was just another reminder of something I have very hard for the last 3 months to forget. What is this demon? Medical School. So before I embarked on the journey to be a PT, I wanted to go to med school (as did 500 other people in first year). Why? well not sure...I think I wanted to help people! No truthfully I don't even remember why I wanted to go.. I think it had something to do with a few popular tv shows???
Anyway...even though my marks were okay, I realized that they weren't high enough for admission and after I bombed my MCAT and actually realized I couldn't get into a canadian school I fell into a depression, that I have been struggling to get out of ever since. Now you may ask why I chose PT? Well the truth is it was a split-second decision as a way out of my depression and setting new goals for myself.
The reality is that I don't even want to be a doctor...it sounds ridiculous but I don't since and hate the idea of prescribing medications and spending 5 min with a patient.
So Why do I still want to go? Well I'm the typical type A, and not getting in was the one thing I did not achieve and I feel like I failed, which is not rational but that is how I constantly feel. It doesn't help matters that my parents keep telling me that I could still apply and attempt it because of course their dream is for me to be a doctor....
Rationally I know that a) I will never get the required MCAT due to my lack of basic science knowledge. and b) I don't believe in meds and don't even want to go anymore...
But the problem is that whenever people start talking about it and how they're going to keep trying, I feel like a failure, and feel like I settled and gave up, which in a way is true, I did settle but I don't regret it, I don't regret my choice, I love the profession (although I don't sound like it) but I still feel like I should have tried harder and do feel like an idiot half the time..
Would I have been happier if I kept trying? gone to Carribean? probably not, I would have been totally miserable but that's no consolation to my brain that keeps saying I gave up....
Everybody eventually realizes their limitations in life and becomes realistic about their prospects in different jobs and careers, but its always hard to realize those limitations and to think that you are so close yet so far....
I quess coming to terms with our limitations and accepting our choices is a phase in growing up, but it is never easy.....A part of you always will want to become the astronaut, fireman, actor, or in my case doctor, and I quess the key is to learn to accept that and be able to live your life, accepting your life's decisions.
So today, was just another reminder of something I have very hard for the last 3 months to forget. What is this demon? Medical School. So before I embarked on the journey to be a PT, I wanted to go to med school (as did 500 other people in first year). Why? well not sure...I think I wanted to help people! No truthfully I don't even remember why I wanted to go.. I think it had something to do with a few popular tv shows???
Anyway...even though my marks were okay, I realized that they weren't high enough for admission and after I bombed my MCAT and actually realized I couldn't get into a canadian school I fell into a depression, that I have been struggling to get out of ever since. Now you may ask why I chose PT? Well the truth is it was a split-second decision as a way out of my depression and setting new goals for myself.
The reality is that I don't even want to be a doctor...it sounds ridiculous but I don't since and hate the idea of prescribing medications and spending 5 min with a patient.
So Why do I still want to go? Well I'm the typical type A, and not getting in was the one thing I did not achieve and I feel like I failed, which is not rational but that is how I constantly feel. It doesn't help matters that my parents keep telling me that I could still apply and attempt it because of course their dream is for me to be a doctor....
Rationally I know that a) I will never get the required MCAT due to my lack of basic science knowledge. and b) I don't believe in meds and don't even want to go anymore...
But the problem is that whenever people start talking about it and how they're going to keep trying, I feel like a failure, and feel like I settled and gave up, which in a way is true, I did settle but I don't regret it, I don't regret my choice, I love the profession (although I don't sound like it) but I still feel like I should have tried harder and do feel like an idiot half the time..
Would I have been happier if I kept trying? gone to Carribean? probably not, I would have been totally miserable but that's no consolation to my brain that keeps saying I gave up....
Everybody eventually realizes their limitations in life and becomes realistic about their prospects in different jobs and careers, but its always hard to realize those limitations and to think that you are so close yet so far....
I quess coming to terms with our limitations and accepting our choices is a phase in growing up, but it is never easy.....A part of you always will want to become the astronaut, fireman, actor, or in my case doctor, and I quess the key is to learn to accept that and be able to live your life, accepting your life's decisions.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Introversion and Social issues
I confess I am an introvert and it has definitely not made life easy. I have always felt different, ever since elementary school when I always felt like I didn't fit in anywhere, it was frustrating, and part of that sense comes from still not truly figuring out how I actually am, but that is for another post.
I have always blamed my inability to relate and being socially awkward for moving around a lot, and I mean A LOT. Let's just say that the most I lived in one city was 5 years and the longest I lived in one house was 5 years and you get a picture. The truth is though that I realized that moving is only one factor out of many that influence introversion and others include genetics, upbringing and illness, so even though I really want to blame my parents, it isn't really their fault that I don't have the best social skills (although it is the easiest solution!)
My other problem that has made me self-conscious is the fact that I'm not purely Canadian and even though I lived here for 15 years and studied here, it is still hard for me to speak because I was never really forced to speak.....I know I know, how can you live in a country for 15 years and not speak with anyone in English? Sounds a bit ridiculous I know! Well at home I don't speak English and at school the teachers never forced us to talk and then due to my shyness and social awkwardness, I didn't want to speak with others because I would often stumble and not be able to coherently explain what I was trying to say, and kids being kids would sometimes make fun of it, so I just let others speak and I would listen.....
Now all this worked out great and I was able to manage not speaking to anyone during undergrad (I know...I know...a bit crazy!) until 2 months ago when I entered this program! For some reason the program thinks its important to actually TALK to our clients! Completely foreign concept to me! Now, our class is a small group of 80 people and we see each other EVERY DAY, for 2 YEARS! Yeah it's sort of impossible to not speak to people in that small environment.....
So what happened? Well I realized that I can't live in the background anymore, I can't just watch and listen to others like I've been doing before, I was forced to become part of the unique community and that means participating in their discussions, frustrations, rants...I realized that they don't care that I stammer, and forget what I'm trying to say (as my disorganized post shows!) that they accept me and it is slowly becoming easier and easier to talk and I can almost speak without having to think about it so much....I actually am able to ask questions in class now!
I have also realized that if someone has a problem with my slowness or my non-perfect sentences, its their problem not mine and I definitely should not take it personally because people are different but a few bad experiences doesn't mean I shouldn't participate in life, because being afraid of everything and thinking everyone is judging you, does not increase the quality of life (that we learn so much about!).
So next time someone stops to talk to me, I will not be thinking of where can I hide? I will be thinking of actually participating and offering ideas and not being so self-conscious about the fact that the answer might be stupid, since that's what makes it fun, and hey there is always the backup plan of 'I only slept 6 hours and am a zombie' lol!
I have always blamed my inability to relate and being socially awkward for moving around a lot, and I mean A LOT. Let's just say that the most I lived in one city was 5 years and the longest I lived in one house was 5 years and you get a picture. The truth is though that I realized that moving is only one factor out of many that influence introversion and others include genetics, upbringing and illness, so even though I really want to blame my parents, it isn't really their fault that I don't have the best social skills (although it is the easiest solution!)
My other problem that has made me self-conscious is the fact that I'm not purely Canadian and even though I lived here for 15 years and studied here, it is still hard for me to speak because I was never really forced to speak.....I know I know, how can you live in a country for 15 years and not speak with anyone in English? Sounds a bit ridiculous I know! Well at home I don't speak English and at school the teachers never forced us to talk and then due to my shyness and social awkwardness, I didn't want to speak with others because I would often stumble and not be able to coherently explain what I was trying to say, and kids being kids would sometimes make fun of it, so I just let others speak and I would listen.....
Now all this worked out great and I was able to manage not speaking to anyone during undergrad (I know...I know...a bit crazy!) until 2 months ago when I entered this program! For some reason the program thinks its important to actually TALK to our clients! Completely foreign concept to me! Now, our class is a small group of 80 people and we see each other EVERY DAY, for 2 YEARS! Yeah it's sort of impossible to not speak to people in that small environment.....
So what happened? Well I realized that I can't live in the background anymore, I can't just watch and listen to others like I've been doing before, I was forced to become part of the unique community and that means participating in their discussions, frustrations, rants...I realized that they don't care that I stammer, and forget what I'm trying to say (as my disorganized post shows!) that they accept me and it is slowly becoming easier and easier to talk and I can almost speak without having to think about it so much....I actually am able to ask questions in class now!
I have also realized that if someone has a problem with my slowness or my non-perfect sentences, its their problem not mine and I definitely should not take it personally because people are different but a few bad experiences doesn't mean I shouldn't participate in life, because being afraid of everything and thinking everyone is judging you, does not increase the quality of life (that we learn so much about!).
So next time someone stops to talk to me, I will not be thinking of where can I hide? I will be thinking of actually participating and offering ideas and not being so self-conscious about the fact that the answer might be stupid, since that's what makes it fun, and hey there is always the backup plan of 'I only slept 6 hours and am a zombie' lol!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Lung Transplant and the emotional roller coaster that is PT school
So, today there was a lecture about lung transplant and one of the guests was a patient who has had a lung transplant and has beaten all odds to survive, it is truly amazing what she has gone through and fought through and managed to survive and thrive after all her experiences. So before I continue, I have posted the documentary that cbc made and also her blog through which she recounted her events before and after her lung transplant.
http://www.cbc.ca/connect/2009/11/on-a-mission-new-lungs.html
http://www.cbc.ca/connect/2009/11/on-a-mission-new-lungs-pt-two.html
http://www.cbc.ca/connect/2009/11/on-a-mission-natalias-new-lungs.html
http://www.cbc.ca/connect/2010/01/on-a-mission-natalia-goes-home.html
http://natandmarty.blogspot.com/
Now if its so painful and raw for me to write this I cannot begin to imagine what Nat has gone through..I will be honest I was skeptical that lung transplant works and that people only survive 5-7 years afterword, and thought wrongly that a person that sick should be able to die naturally, but after hearing her story, I realized how wrong I was. I realized that everyone deserves a chance to live to the best of their ability and enjoy their life again.
I can't even begin to describe the emotions after watching those videos, because she is so honest, so real that it is just undescribable, to think of the pain that she went through...of the pain her family went through is incredibly sad but it does give a chance for everyone to discuss organ donation and even the biggest skeptic will melt when listening to her story.
http://www.cbc.ca/connect/2009/11/on-a-mission-new-lungs.html
http://www.cbc.ca/connect/2009/11/on-a-mission-new-lungs-pt-two.html
http://www.cbc.ca/connect/2009/11/on-a-mission-natalias-new-lungs.html
http://www.cbc.ca/connect/2010/01/on-a-mission-natalia-goes-home.html
http://natandmarty.blogspot.com/
Now if its so painful and raw for me to write this I cannot begin to imagine what Nat has gone through..I will be honest I was skeptical that lung transplant works and that people only survive 5-7 years afterword, and thought wrongly that a person that sick should be able to die naturally, but after hearing her story, I realized how wrong I was. I realized that everyone deserves a chance to live to the best of their ability and enjoy their life again.
I can't even begin to describe the emotions after watching those videos, because she is so honest, so real that it is just undescribable, to think of the pain that she went through...of the pain her family went through is incredibly sad but it does give a chance for everyone to discuss organ donation and even the biggest skeptic will melt when listening to her story.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Thoughts about working with cadavers
Warning: this post may contain graphic subject matter, reader discretion is advised. if you are not comfortable with cadavers (aka, dead bodies) I do not suggest reading further because it may cause undue psychological trauma. (Have always wanted to say that!)
Anyway, but yes another warning that the post is not for the faint of heart.
So, in our program, we are required to take anatomy, and part of anatomy is working with cadavers, this is not a new part of our program in addition to of course being part of the med program (anybody watch grey's anatomy?) and is apparently thought to be the best way to learn about the different structures of the human body. Going into the program I knew that this would be one of the components and didn't really think about it that much.
Now looking back, I really didn't realized how traumatized and affected I would be by this 'learning method'. In fact today, I was so affected that all I could do was hold on to the table and keep myself from fainting and just stare at others doing the dissection.
Now that work above is the first problem, disection. Because ultimately that is what we are supposed to do, dissect (still can't say that work without feeling sick) and learn about the different structures..of course that is in theory.
This is the first problem, that In practice, dissection is very messy and disgusting, and apparently a person has a lot of fat...which in dissection we have to cut through and which is very oily....let's just say that I cannot look at oil the same way now.
All this wouldn't be too bad, if we didn't know it was an actual person, living breathing person..that we are dissecting... The main issue I find is how am I supposed to feel? I mostly feel sad for the person and feel like I am violating their privacy by cutting into them, how can I justify cutting so crudely into their body when they donated their own body for my learning?
At the same time (this seems ridiculous) I feel angry at this person for having so much fat when other people don't have as much fat...it's like I'm blaming them for something they had no control over and instead of feeling gratified, I'm feeling resentful...(I know, I know, very very selfish).
The next problem is the smell...to preserve the cadavers, they have to use formaldehyde (a known carcinogen) and the smell is incredibly overpowering, I can't even describe it, and the worst thing is that the smell stays on you even after you leave the lab, I have to take an hour long bath to actually get rid of the smell. (selfish again, I know).
I just feel it's too much of a violation of a person's privacy, and I almost feel that I have to say a prayer as a thank you but then I can't because I don't feel that I'm learning enough for them to justify donating their bodies for me. In addition I feel that if I really thought of them as a real person, then it makes the lab even harder, since then I start to realized my own mortality and everyone else's mortality and that is probably the hardest part of the whole thing...
I quess the underlying problem is that I think that there are less traumatic ways of learning the same anatomy that are just as effective with computer graphics, but I quess I can't really change the system.
I just am frustrated because by feeling disgusted, its like I'm insulting the person instead of thanking them....
Yeah I'm not making sense anymore...it is late...but you can see the different issues that are competing in my brain, on the one hand I want to learn and know I should participate and am interested in learning where the different muscles and bones are, but on the other hand...I feel completely overwhelmed by the fact that its a real person and the smell and the actual cutting into human skin part...
Anyway.. hope you weren't too grossed out, and you can see the crazy internal struggles that are constantly battling each other in my brain....I will have a positive post about my profession eventually I promise!
Anyway, but yes another warning that the post is not for the faint of heart.
So, in our program, we are required to take anatomy, and part of anatomy is working with cadavers, this is not a new part of our program in addition to of course being part of the med program (anybody watch grey's anatomy?) and is apparently thought to be the best way to learn about the different structures of the human body. Going into the program I knew that this would be one of the components and didn't really think about it that much.
Now looking back, I really didn't realized how traumatized and affected I would be by this 'learning method'. In fact today, I was so affected that all I could do was hold on to the table and keep myself from fainting and just stare at others doing the dissection.
Now that work above is the first problem, disection. Because ultimately that is what we are supposed to do, dissect (still can't say that work without feeling sick) and learn about the different structures..of course that is in theory.
This is the first problem, that In practice, dissection is very messy and disgusting, and apparently a person has a lot of fat...which in dissection we have to cut through and which is very oily....let's just say that I cannot look at oil the same way now.
All this wouldn't be too bad, if we didn't know it was an actual person, living breathing person..that we are dissecting... The main issue I find is how am I supposed to feel? I mostly feel sad for the person and feel like I am violating their privacy by cutting into them, how can I justify cutting so crudely into their body when they donated their own body for my learning?
At the same time (this seems ridiculous) I feel angry at this person for having so much fat when other people don't have as much fat...it's like I'm blaming them for something they had no control over and instead of feeling gratified, I'm feeling resentful...(I know, I know, very very selfish).
The next problem is the smell...to preserve the cadavers, they have to use formaldehyde (a known carcinogen) and the smell is incredibly overpowering, I can't even describe it, and the worst thing is that the smell stays on you even after you leave the lab, I have to take an hour long bath to actually get rid of the smell. (selfish again, I know).
I just feel it's too much of a violation of a person's privacy, and I almost feel that I have to say a prayer as a thank you but then I can't because I don't feel that I'm learning enough for them to justify donating their bodies for me. In addition I feel that if I really thought of them as a real person, then it makes the lab even harder, since then I start to realized my own mortality and everyone else's mortality and that is probably the hardest part of the whole thing...
I quess the underlying problem is that I think that there are less traumatic ways of learning the same anatomy that are just as effective with computer graphics, but I quess I can't really change the system.
I just am frustrated because by feeling disgusted, its like I'm insulting the person instead of thanking them....
Yeah I'm not making sense anymore...it is late...but you can see the different issues that are competing in my brain, on the one hand I want to learn and know I should participate and am interested in learning where the different muscles and bones are, but on the other hand...I feel completely overwhelmed by the fact that its a real person and the smell and the actual cutting into human skin part...
Anyway.. hope you weren't too grossed out, and you can see the crazy internal struggles that are constantly battling each other in my brain....I will have a positive post about my profession eventually I promise!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Frustrated- Canada's Health Care
Sorry, about another vent posting, but I am definitely frustrated. So as you know I live in Canada and we have 'free' health care, BUT it is not that simple, since the 'free' part is very quickly diminishing. For example, medications aren't covered, dental work and any rehab is also not covered.
Now in Ontario, it used to be that hospitals would fund outpatient clinics such as cardiac rehab, pre-op for hip and knee physio services, as well as chiropodist clinics and pain clinics, well due to budget constraints, many hospitals last year closed these clinics because the hospitals aren't allowed to run deficits and therefore have decided to reduce services to balance the budget.
Well what's the big deal right? I mean these services are still offered in the community right? Well, yes at a price... the outpatient physio cost 50-90$/session, that means if you need to go even twice per week, that is 100$/week. It's not a big deal if the person is more than 65 or less than 20.
How can the gov fund surgeries to fix knees and hips and bypass, but then not fund rehab? What is the point to get the person to survive, if that person will not be able to get walk again or will not be able to go back to work?
Well what's the big deal right? I mean these services are still offered in the community right? Well, yes at a price... the outpatient physio cost 50-90$/session, that means if you need to go even twice per week, that is 100$/week. It's not a big deal if the person is more than 65 or less than 20.
How can the gov fund surgeries to fix knees and hips and bypass, but then not fund rehab? What is the point to get the person to survive, if that person will not be able to get walk again or will not be able to go back to work?
I do have personal experience, since we lost our insurance because of cost-savings at work and had to pay $700 for 1 tooth (2 hours of work), and another $500 for another tooth, just this year. In addition I was able to convince my family member very reluctantly to go to physio since the mentioned family member could not walk without pain and the injury wasn't healing, cost?300 for 5 sessions. Total cost for past 6 months? $2000 for 3 people.
Now I know, that there are limited funds but if the gov has an extra 2 billion to fund the G20 Summit and give hospital executes 700,000/year, why does it not have an extra 200, 000 to help people recover after heart problems?
Now for any Americans reading this, yes our health care system is far from perfect and lots of services are slowly becoming privatized, which definitely is not positive, yes it is still probably a bit better since emergency service is still 'free' although I would only recommend going to emerg if you're really sick since the wait otherwise is 8 hours.
It is just hard, since I know most of the jobs that will be available when I graduate will be in private practice, and I just feel extremely sad that a lot of people that can benefit from these services will not come in because they can't afford it.
Anyway...sorry about the rant, I promise I will have a positive post eventually! Enjoy the rest of the weekend!
Now I know, that there are limited funds but if the gov has an extra 2 billion to fund the G20 Summit and give hospital executes 700,000/year, why does it not have an extra 200, 000 to help people recover after heart problems?
Now for any Americans reading this, yes our health care system is far from perfect and lots of services are slowly becoming privatized, which definitely is not positive, yes it is still probably a bit better since emergency service is still 'free' although I would only recommend going to emerg if you're really sick since the wait otherwise is 8 hours.
It is just hard, since I know most of the jobs that will be available when I graduate will be in private practice, and I just feel extremely sad that a lot of people that can benefit from these services will not come in because they can't afford it.
Anyway...sorry about the rant, I promise I will have a positive post eventually! Enjoy the rest of the weekend!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Becoming a health care professional
There are a lot of things that I am still trying to adjust to in PT school but the biggest one so far is so how to switch your mind from a patient's perspective to a clinician perspective.
I am used to being a patient and hating all of the health care workers I have so far encountered but now I have to look at every encounter with a patient from a clinician standpoint and that is very difficult. We are being taught not to engage in small talk for very long, since we have a lot of patients, we are also taught that we have to extract the important information in order to develop a treatment plan.
We are taught that we have to explain everything in simple language and not always report everything that we know. This final point has been the hardest to figure out how to do, since I have always found that I wanted to know all of my results and all of my problems that I have and I hated not knowing what the results of some tests mean but now, I can sort of understand that it is impossible to explain everything to a patient in a short period of time and expect them to understand. How can I expect my patients to understand medical information that has taken me 2 months to learn in a short 5 minutes?
It is a big dilemma that I am still trying to figure out but I quess that as health care professionals, we do have knowledge that others don't have and even though it is important for patients to understand the risks and benefits, it is impossible for them to understand everything since my poor brain after 2 months can barely understand all the information we are supposed to keep in mind when seeing a patient.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Dealing with Feelings
So it has now been 2 months since I started the program and I feel.....I don't know what I feel, it is such a roller coaster, it seems almost like I could have 10 different feelings in one day and that is very frustrating.
Today for example a suctioning lab brought back a lot of bad memories from a hospital experience I have previously had and it took a lot for me to not think about that experience and focus on the task but it was incredibly hard, now I understand what they mean by flashbacks. How can I distance myself from the pain that I could be causing because of my treatment and how can I objectively treat the patient?
I sometimes really feel these incredibly raw emotions that I have no idea how to handle, how can I handle seeing a patient struggling to breath and being powerless at helping them? How can I look at someone knowing they only have a few months to live yet have to treat them like all the other patients? How can I repress my emotions to keep my objective thoughts?
Yeah, I always thought that the hardest part of the program would be the anatomy but over the past 2 months I learned that anatomy is really straightforward, the hardest part is learning how to deal with the emotions that come with treating actual patients and actually learning to distance oneself from their problems becuase becoming too involved is very very hard and painful.
So far I have decided that dwelling on these feelings is not the best since they just encourage more negative thought process so deploring distraction is probably best. So my coping strategies have included alcohol (no surprise) although there are more unpleasant effects of this but do block these raw feelings. Other strategies I found helpful are reading something unrelated to school since somehow reading about other people's problems distracts one from my own and also my new coping strategy is writing about it, since putting it in writing somehow makes it easier to deal with the problems since I'm not thinking about a million of them at one time.
Well that's it for my very optimistic post for today, stay tuned for next time!
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