So I mentioned that surprisingly, I am finding that I am in relationship. In the craziness of the last 3 months, I actually started dating with the help of an online website, which I was very skeptical of and didn't actually believe that it worked.
My first dating experience was not very positive, from the beginning I knew it wouldn't work but I wanted to try and see where it went. The problem was that we came from different classes and different backgrounds. He was used to a more privileged life than I was, and couldn't really understand what my life was like. He was a little too controlling, and I felt that I could never really be honest because he was very judgemental and it was very frustrating. I would choose a restaurant and he would say let's go to a different one for no reason, I would say I'm not comfortable going somewhere and he would pressure me until I said yes. The thing that really irritated me was how impatient he was, he would expect a reply to a text within 1 min, if I would take even 5min, he would send another message and would constantly hound me about responding sooner even though I told him I try to respond as soon as I can and that I'm very busy, which I was. In the end nothing happened, and as with my previous dates, we ran out of stuff to talk about, I started standing up for myself and arguing, and he was frustrated that it wasn't going anywhere and that there was little chemistry, so we thankfully drifted apart. This lasted a whole 4 dates.
My current dating experience, has been like night and day compared to my previous one. It surprised me, because we started dating, when the whole crisis with my grandma started, so I initially felt very very guilty for even going out once a week. He comes from the same background as I do, which makes things a lot easier since I don't have to constantly explain why we move so much, why my english isn't perfect, why I'm frugal and don't go out a lot. It's going very well, and I've lost count of the number of dates we've been on, I should start keeping track, I think its been 6 which is a new record for me! It's been a month so far, and we haven't run out of things to say, he doesn't text every minute, and its a lot more manageable to communicate once a day given my crazy schedule. He's isn't controlling, and doesn't try to force me to go somewhere I'm not comfortable going. He's also very patient, and understands that I don't have a lot of experience with dating and doesn't pressure me. Everyone laughs, because even though he has a good job, we mostly go to free or cheap events, and don't go to that many restaurants but the truth is I actually enjoy it a lot more and myself am not a big spender, and don't want or expect the guy to pay for everything.
The trouble I'm finding is that I'm in uncharted waters. I've never gone out this long without drifting apart and its caught me off guard that I don't want to break up. The problem is I don't know how I feel about it all. There is chemistry between us and a lot of things in common, and I don't feel like I have to hide my true thoughts or feelings, and he actually is good knowing when I'm not truly being honest and usually people can't tell. I still feel nervous around him though, possibly in part because of my previous negative experiences. The other problem is that I don't know what I feel, or how I should feel, sad, happy, anxious... it sounds a little ridiculous but most days in general at home I feel like a robot that has no feelings. I've worked so hard at repressing what I truly feel that I've gotten so good at it that I truly don't feel anything. I thing I've repressed everything as a coping mechanism to deal with everything that's been happening and as a way to become a professional and not become emotionally detached from patients because it was so painful at the beginning that I couldn't do my job. I learned that in the workplace, not only are you expected not to show what you're truly feeling, but you're expected to be happy all the time, and be positive because I'm the one that's supposed to encourage patients to be positive. So in a way I have learned to act happy, and unfortunately, as was proven in my last clinical, when there are a lot of personal problems it becomes really hard to hide them, still appear happy, still take criticism, and still be able to do all the regular tasks and more.
My life right now does feel very robotic. I have endless tasks to do at home, to help my mom cope with having 2 grandparents that rely on us for meds, for food, for entertainment, for keeping them well and as healthy as they can be. As well as dealing with all the regular household tasks, such as endless cleaning, cooking, garbage, and now with everything else, I get to add my insane school schedule, and the stress of it all is already giving me chest pain. So in general my life is mostly on hold, and I live to make sure everyone else is comfortable and happy, and have to constantly keep my own feelings and thoughts in check, because everything is stressful enough as it is, and if I start losing it, or start getting frustrated everything just collapses. So I've learned to be robotic and not feel anything,have basically become an elf that is constantly on the move cooking, cleaning, tidying, studying and make sure everyone else is good, and ignore my own needs and wants and I guess feelings.
What nobody realizes is that these are the exact things that good PT's do, they adapt to different people and solve other people's problems. In doing that they always have to be positive, have exceptional people skills and make everyone comfortable, the problem is that keeping your own feelings in check all the time is really really difficult as I've learned.
So the question becomes, how do I turn my feelings back on, without losing it, and becoming depressed again if things don't work out. Because in additional to everything else, I'm guarded because deep down I know that if I start to try to feel something, I can get hurt, and I don't know if I can take that pain.
How do I let my guard down? Do I drink more, because that seems to be the only thing that helps. No that's prob not a good solution given I got severe alcohol poisoning 2 weeks ago after I gulped 1 glass of wine...How do I keep focus on my schoolwork and actually survive another bad semester, boards, family life, and in addition attempt to maintain a relationship? Is it even possible to juggle so much and have feelings and not break down and start throwing tantrums like I did before? Am I in a way still depressed, and have not really dealt with the underlying issues, but just buried them so deep, so that they don't bother me? Is it possible for me to go back to the hopeful person I was before undergrad squashed all of my hope?
I wish I had more answers than questions, but right now, I've realized that all I'm trying to do is survive one day at a time, and that is probably the best that I could do at the moment given my schedule. I still have a lot of anger and repressed feelings which I'm not ready to deal with and that might be why I don't feel anything. I quess I just have to try to open up more with him, tell him more about my past, and keep trying to think positively, that things will improve, that my family's medical problems will stabilize, that I will finish, that I will find a job, and that eventually I'll be able to have hope again about the future and be able to be happy not just when I drink. Given all the problems in the world, its hard, and its probably something I will continue to struggle with because that is who I am, but I do have to keep trying because being a robot with no feelings is not a good solution to my problems.
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