Last PT class and a look to the future..

To start off a quick update, I've passed my written PCE and I got my choice of final placement in an outpatient clinic, which I'm really happy about!

Today was my last official PT class, and I'm still unsure how I feel about it...the lectures were about our future careers and how we should start to think of the opportunities and continue with the next steps such as registering with the college.

To be honest, it almost felt like I'm being pushed off a cliff, and I'm trying with all my might to hold on. Over the past 2 years, I've focused so much on the present which included passing all the annoying tests and assignments and the placements that I didn't really think about the future and what happens when we graduate...now they're saying you're free...no more tests, no more useless lectures, and yet, I feel like I want to hold on to the security that school offers. I want to have the stability of coming to class, complaining with friends about assignments, and practicing on each other in a safe environment. As much as I have dreaded and complained and felt exhausted and frustrated with my university and program, it offered some comfort to know we have each other to lean on, can always ask the profs questions without fear, and have the right to make mistakes.

Now the safety net is gone. With our limited knowledge, we have to go out into the big bad world, and help people get better. We are transitioning from the safe student role to actual professionals which is sort of scary. Already, I feel I have to be careful what I say around who, since every person is a potential employer or client, and I have to much more professional. We have to become grown-ups and make resumes, go for interviews, and convince people why they should hire us. I've tried to transition by getting a new wardrobe to make it easier to at least pretend that I'm a professional, but its hard. I just don't feel ready. It's funny how they talked about the fact that in a few years we can become the lab instructors and lecturers, when I still have nightmares about those dreaded clinical tests. How can I possibly teach others, when I have no idea what I'm doing, and in every placement, felt like I'm just making things up...

The only good thing, is that at least I know where I want to practice and where I don't. At least the somewhat narrows down my choices for jobs...now the real issue becomes how far away from home am I willing to move away vs how much commuting would I tolerate. Although I think I've answered that question, when I realized how painful it is to be stuck in traffic in a car for an hour on the highway and all you really want to do is fall asleep, and pray that you don't cause an accident. I would rather pay and live in a box, then drive for 1 hour. Heck, I'd rather be on public transit for 2 hours.

I also know that I have no desire to work in either a hospital or rehab facility. That's fairly self-explanatory given my crazy placements in both those areas. I also know my limitations, and have realized that I'm not strong enough mentally or physically to deal with the constant issue of beuracracy and having really acute patients who you're terrified will fall on your watch. I prefer the relative safe atmosphere of the ortho outpatient clinic, where there is a clear problem, and clear treatment plan that could be established.

It's also sort of ironic that just when I developed a really good friend network who I get along with really well, and who constantly push me to go beyond my comfort zone, we are graduating and spreading across the province and going out to vastly different directions and to go out and lead different lives. It's hard because these are the people that have pushed me to become a better, more confident, less stressed, and more comfortable with the unknown person. Today's potluck, highlighted how comfortable we are with each other, even though we all come from different cultures and backgrounds, somehow we are able to laugh at each other without any ill feelings. I'm really going to miss that, because it is really really hard to find.

I quess what I'm trying to say is I don't want to grow up. I want to remain a kid, and want time to stand still, and just enjoy life, which I've just now started doing and not always worrying about infection and what ifs, and whether I'm interrupting someone's event, heck I can participate and make it better!

I think I just have to look at it as if everyone in our class as at a cross-roads, and everyone has to choose a path to follow, and hopefully, somewhere in the future, our paths will cross again. If it's one thing I've learned is that change is inevitable and staying in one place is not an option, but what we can do is to try our best to enjoy the ride and hopefully learn something along the way.

I've grown a lot over this journey, and hopefully I'll be able to keep growing and actually become the professional other people trust.

The end of classes- bittersweet..

So we're approaching the end of all structured lectures, and it is truly bittersweet. I actually didn't think that I'd reach this so many times that it still doesn't seem real. Transitions are hard though. Even though I can't even think on the past 2 years without absolute stress and terror, I've also learned a lot about myself and have changed quite a bit from the start. I've also met a lot of really great people and we've for sure shared a lot of stress, anger, but we've also bonded, and I've developed a lot of great friendships, and it doesn't seem fair that now that we finally have some free time, we all have our own schedules and lives and we can't actually go out and enjoy it.

These great friends accepted me for who I was, and have helped me survive the program as well as have helped my language skills develop and made me a much calmer and nicer person. It is hard knowing that a few will scattered across the large city, and a really good friend will move up north and I'll likely not be able to see her for a while.

I'm not scared kid that first entered the building, running around with my head cut off, thinking how I really don't belong here. I feel I've matured, am able to better cope with many different situation, am no longer that hysterical about random small problems because I've learned to let go of the small things since in the great scheme of things, that push from a stranger, or forgetting your lunch shouldn't be a big deal. I've learned to enjoy those few moments, to laugh, to have fun because hey nobody knows how long they have, and being miserable is not the way to live life. Life is about taking risks, enjoying life with family and friends. I've finally gotten out of my depression and have come up to breathe.

The trouble I have now is what does the next chapter of my life look like? I'm actually starting to feel old at 24, and entering the working world seems so foreign. It almost seems easier to remain a student and not have to think about working and looking for a job. Am I prepared? I would say no...I feel really really unprepared to start, and it is fairly scary..I mean people actually value my opinion? What do I know?! So I'm starting to ask myself does the future forecast med school? Getting married and having kids!? Opening my own practice? I'm not sure...I'm at a cross-roads and have to choose a path to go down, but at least I'm almost out of the never-ending dark tunnel, and the light is getting stronger, now to only choose the right direction and have the light guide me.