So today was the last day as a PT1 and in september will be officially be a PT2. Reflecting back, I can't believe a year has gone by, time has just flown by. Granted it was not an easy year, in fact, it has probably been one of my most challenging years. This year has challenged me to go way beyond my limits, and to finally attempt to learn to interact more with others. It has also taught me to try to not sweat the small stuff and attempt to try to enjoy and explore life since it is relatively short and can change at anytime.
The highlights? Being so stressed with school that I started being so sensitive to planes that fly above that I started studying in the bathroom at home. Being so sleep-deprived that I started falling asleep on random people in the transit system. Staying for hours in the anatomy lab trying to memorize muscles and brain structures. Having a very negative clinical experience and having to using some interesting coping mechanism that are not always very healthy, definitely not my best month. Sleeping for 5 hours a day for a whole month while studying. Eating 9 oranges/day + drinking 3 glasses of orange juice to attempt to improve my immunity and counteract the stress. Everyone identifying me as the person that falls asleep in class and entertains all others with my interesting sleep patterns.
Was it all bad? No, I met some incredible people, and become good friends with a few and we had a lot of laughs on those long days and nights in either anat lab or practical lab. Without good friends I've learned its impossible to survive the program. You always need someone to talk to on those cramming days when you don't know if you can learn all of neuroanatomy in the span of 3 days. Or when you're freaking out if you passed another test.
I have definitely grown up quite a bit in the past year, throw a lot less tantrums at home and have a different perspective on life now then I did a year ago. I have started to learn to accept things that I cannot change, to try to stop regretting every decision I ever made, and to at least try to go out sometimes and have fun since there is only so much time that any one person has. I have also learned how to try to relate to patients without becoming emotionally involved and have also learned how to conduct a decent patient interview.
I definitely don't feel ready to be a PT2 and don't feel like I actually know anything except cranial nuclei and how to do a sit to stand, and how to titrate oxygen. I can usually attempt to diagnose a condition but have no idea how to treat it. I'm also terrified about my future clinical placements due to the bad experiences I've had.
To sum up this year: crazy, difficult, tiring, sleep-depriving, stressful, life-changing.
Hope next year, I learn enough skills to actually be more confident with being a PT instead of having to pretend I know what I'm doing. Can I ask for a little less stress perhaps? Probably asking for too much.
Hope everyone has a great weekend.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Bittersweet
So I'm officially done anatomy and managed to pass another test, only one left until the short summer break! It is bittersweet since it continues to confirm that I'm getting older and everything is changing quite quickly and its hard for me to adapt to the constant changes. I just get so overwhelmed that I have no energy at the end of the day, I quess I never knew how exhausting it is to constantly be worrying about marks and the constant social interaction is also very exhausting.
Everything goes by so fast that I have no time to process anything, sometimes I wish we could just stop time or rewind it to a time when it was easier and life was not so complicated. Now each decision I make has consequences and that is hard to deal with. I am constantly overloaded and overwhelmed with daily life and with the pace of change that is occuring. I keep thinking that things will get easier and better but I keep realizing that life get's more complicated and harder as you age. Where will I live in year? Will I be able to find a job in the city or have to move 400km or more for work? Should I try to continue developing a relationship knowing that my family will be dissapointed and that it goes against my culture and not knowing where it will lead? How can I make sure that everyone in my family stays as healthy possible? How can I help my friend who finished her bachelor's, yet doesn't know if she will be able to get into a graduate program? What can I do if I think the country is moving in a wrong direction? Is it just a heat anomaly (it is now 38C with a humidex of 49, above 30 for the past 2 weeks, and no rain) or is it the start of climate change that we can't reverse and are we all doomed?
These are my daily thoughts and I have no idea how to deal with them and get very overloaded by the end of the day that I end up passing out, today I fell asleep on an unsuspecting transit rider because of pure exhaustion and heat. Of course functioning on 6 hours of sleep and very little food, and no rest doesn't really help my brain cope with all the constant change. I know that there are no easy answers and that the end conclusion is that life is hard and doesn't get easier, but the transition is extremely hard because whatever decisions I make are mine and I can't blame others for them as I used to do.
Most days I think back to high school and summer vacation and the days when I was actually happy and really long for those lazy days where I would ride my bike with my friends and play on the swings and play in the woods....I just feel that I have no memory of the last 5 years where I was either studying, working or dealing with emergencies at home. I quess what I want to go back to being a kid and stop maturing and becoming a adult (yes at 23 I don't consider myself an adult) because it is an escape from my current problems which seem never-ending and have no easy solutions.
Well rant officially over, time to go to surviving another test.
Everything goes by so fast that I have no time to process anything, sometimes I wish we could just stop time or rewind it to a time when it was easier and life was not so complicated. Now each decision I make has consequences and that is hard to deal with. I am constantly overloaded and overwhelmed with daily life and with the pace of change that is occuring. I keep thinking that things will get easier and better but I keep realizing that life get's more complicated and harder as you age. Where will I live in year? Will I be able to find a job in the city or have to move 400km or more for work? Should I try to continue developing a relationship knowing that my family will be dissapointed and that it goes against my culture and not knowing where it will lead? How can I make sure that everyone in my family stays as healthy possible? How can I help my friend who finished her bachelor's, yet doesn't know if she will be able to get into a graduate program? What can I do if I think the country is moving in a wrong direction? Is it just a heat anomaly (it is now 38C with a humidex of 49, above 30 for the past 2 weeks, and no rain) or is it the start of climate change that we can't reverse and are we all doomed?
These are my daily thoughts and I have no idea how to deal with them and get very overloaded by the end of the day that I end up passing out, today I fell asleep on an unsuspecting transit rider because of pure exhaustion and heat. Of course functioning on 6 hours of sleep and very little food, and no rest doesn't really help my brain cope with all the constant change. I know that there are no easy answers and that the end conclusion is that life is hard and doesn't get easier, but the transition is extremely hard because whatever decisions I make are mine and I can't blame others for them as I used to do.
Most days I think back to high school and summer vacation and the days when I was actually happy and really long for those lazy days where I would ride my bike with my friends and play on the swings and play in the woods....I just feel that I have no memory of the last 5 years where I was either studying, working or dealing with emergencies at home. I quess what I want to go back to being a kid and stop maturing and becoming a adult (yes at 23 I don't consider myself an adult) because it is an escape from my current problems which seem never-ending and have no easy solutions.
Well rant officially over, time to go to surviving another test.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Taking on the world's problems
My biggest problem is I tend to take on other people's problems and emotions and that just depletes my mood and energy and I still don't know how to deal with these things. The problem is that there are too many problems, the US and Europe debt crisis, high unemployment, high youth unemployment, immigration issues with my neighbours, my friends problems, Afghan war, family issues, reductions in health care, oil crisis.....therefore my negative thinking continues and all I do is read more and worry more and the cycle continues. I know that most of these problems are not my problems but I somehow feel responsible for fixing them, when in reality I know that I can't and ultimately it's up to the people with the problems to try to fix it and unfortunately sometimes you have no control over life's circumstances no matter how much you try to control everything since I am one person and life depends on the interaction with many others.
This has gotten me in trouble before and whenever I try to suggest to 'fix' something, the end result is usually not the one I envisioned, or it becomes the opposite to what I wanted anyway.....but how can I be happy when so many others are miserable? but how can I help their misery when I'm miserable myself....
I've learned that I do feel other people's pain more than other people and that is just my personality which some people will say is a good thing since it makes me more compassionate but my job requires me to deal with people with pain all day and to do that I have to be objective and less emotional since being emotional does not solve their pain problem....of course hormone issues don't help, sometimes I envy guys that have a lot less emotions and look at everything much more as cut and dry which I could try to follow....
So, now I'm going to take a deep breath, and focus on my own problems which is a looming test tomorrow, and forget about the world's problems for a day, and then maybe if I want to change something, actually proactively do something instead of worrying about it. The reality is the world is changing and I am one person out of
7 000 000 000, and no matter how much I want to, I cannot change it for the better or fix its problems. Change is the only constant in the world and we don't know what the next 10 years will bring, we don't even know what the next year will bring, will oil run out? Will global warming cause increasing drought? Will there be a major infectious disease that will affect the world? Will China become the new superpower or will we go back to living in caves? The possibilities are endless and I have to stop thinking this way since all it does is make me miserable since all the outcomes are negative, but all this thinking will not stop the time and will not stop change and the best thing one can do is adapt to the changes that are occuring.
My life even 10 years ago was very different than my current life, and my parent's life 30 years ago was also vastly different and yet even through all the changes they managed to adapt and survive and even thrive and they unlike me do not keep regretting the choices that they make. Maybe that's the solution, to learn to live with the choices you make and with the consequences those choices will have since all choices in life have consequences.
This has gotten me in trouble before and whenever I try to suggest to 'fix' something, the end result is usually not the one I envisioned, or it becomes the opposite to what I wanted anyway.....but how can I be happy when so many others are miserable? but how can I help their misery when I'm miserable myself....
I've learned that I do feel other people's pain more than other people and that is just my personality which some people will say is a good thing since it makes me more compassionate but my job requires me to deal with people with pain all day and to do that I have to be objective and less emotional since being emotional does not solve their pain problem....of course hormone issues don't help, sometimes I envy guys that have a lot less emotions and look at everything much more as cut and dry which I could try to follow....
So, now I'm going to take a deep breath, and focus on my own problems which is a looming test tomorrow, and forget about the world's problems for a day, and then maybe if I want to change something, actually proactively do something instead of worrying about it. The reality is the world is changing and I am one person out of
7 000 000 000, and no matter how much I want to, I cannot change it for the better or fix its problems. Change is the only constant in the world and we don't know what the next 10 years will bring, we don't even know what the next year will bring, will oil run out? Will global warming cause increasing drought? Will there be a major infectious disease that will affect the world? Will China become the new superpower or will we go back to living in caves? The possibilities are endless and I have to stop thinking this way since all it does is make me miserable since all the outcomes are negative, but all this thinking will not stop the time and will not stop change and the best thing one can do is adapt to the changes that are occuring.
My life even 10 years ago was very different than my current life, and my parent's life 30 years ago was also vastly different and yet even through all the changes they managed to adapt and survive and even thrive and they unlike me do not keep regretting the choices that they make. Maybe that's the solution, to learn to live with the choices you make and with the consequences those choices will have since all choices in life have consequences.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Overwhelmed and frustrated
It is the last 2 weeks before a month long break and I feel like my mind is about to explode. In the last week we had an annoying assignment due, 3 overwhelming and intense clinical sessions that I've still not processed, a practice clinical test, and case study, and next week we have an anatomy test which I feel completely unprepared for. Why am spending so much time memorizing what happens when you lesion cranial nuclei, instead of actually learning about neurological diseases? Very, Very frustrating, I feel like its back to the undergrad education where you try to cram as much info as possible and forget about understanding anything...except the pro
The summer and constant nice weather doesn't help, nor do the constant thought about what I will do in the month off. My dating experiment is also not helping....I feel like it is just too much, I sometimes wish I could just shut off my feelings and though process and become a robot, that would make studying more productive. Seeing the brain injuries people get, now make me incredibly paranoid of driving, biking and even walking lest someone runs me over, sometimes I question whether I made the right career choice, the thing that keeps me going is that there is no other option for me, well except working in retail for min wage.
Now officially back to studying all 12 cranial nerves and nuclei...
The summer and constant nice weather doesn't help, nor do the constant thought about what I will do in the month off. My dating experiment is also not helping....I feel like it is just too much, I sometimes wish I could just shut off my feelings and though process and become a robot, that would make studying more productive. Seeing the brain injuries people get, now make me incredibly paranoid of driving, biking and even walking lest someone runs me over, sometimes I question whether I made the right career choice, the thing that keeps me going is that there is no other option for me, well except working in retail for min wage.
Now officially back to studying all 12 cranial nerves and nuclei...
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Little Control of the Future or the job market
I love to plan and really dislike uncertainty and change. It sort of goes with my personality but that's for another post. As before unknowingly I tried to plan the next 5 years until I've realized that it most likely will not work out that way. My plan? Let's see finish PT school, find a outpatient orthopedic practice willing to take me a new grad full time that is preferably within 30min drive from my parents house and physiotherapy owned with lot of support for new grads, let's see then save enough money, find a jewish boyfriend, buy a house and have 2 kids, then open my own practice.....
Even to me it starts to sounds a bit ridiculous...there are a few detours that are already occuring....first off the job market is bad for all new grads and physios are not excluded, everyone wants people with experience and are not willing to invest in training so unless I get really really lucky I will either end up with part time outpatient ortho clinic that is 2hours away. Which means I will have to move away from home....or if unlucky I might have to go work up north which is 4 hours north and work in a small town and do everything including acute, rehab, outpatient and home care which is challenging... and the bf? well so far I don't get along with any jewish guys and now am dating (sort of...) a non-jewish guy, so so much for my great plans. House and kids? Well with my luck the house will be 2 hours away from my work and I'm not even sure I can easily have kids since my periods are irregular and sporadic since my percentage of body is really low (no I'm not anorexic, I just do not feel very hungry and dislike most sources of protein).
It doesn't help that I keep blaming myself for everything and thinking if I could have changed something would my life be better? would I or my family be happier? Or would my life be so different I wouldn't even recognize it?
I keep trying to move forward and forget about the past and everyone else's problems which I can't fix anyway, and yet keep getting sucked back in and keep feeling their pain and frustrations and of course my own issues that I am constantly trying to forget and control.
I look at people in my class and wonder why aren't they as stressed or as miserable as I am? Do they have to work as hard to understand and interpret social cues and what you can and can't say? Do they need alone time to recuperate from social interactions?
I know I shouldn't compare myself to others because everyone is different and has different issues but sometimes I wish I could stop being so sensitive to everything around me and be able to interact more easily with others and not have to try so hard and find that others still find me weird.
Ok rant over. My plan? Accept fate, if I end up in a small town 4 hours north so be it, maybe I'll actually like it there. If I end up marrying a non-jewish person it's not the end of the world, since nothing turns out the way you plan it.
Right now I have to stop procrastinating and continue studying since at least that much I can control. I have to forget about the future, since I have a test in 1 week, and assignment and assignment due in 4 days.
Over and out.
Even to me it starts to sounds a bit ridiculous...there are a few detours that are already occuring....first off the job market is bad for all new grads and physios are not excluded, everyone wants people with experience and are not willing to invest in training so unless I get really really lucky I will either end up with part time outpatient ortho clinic that is 2hours away. Which means I will have to move away from home....or if unlucky I might have to go work up north which is 4 hours north and work in a small town and do everything including acute, rehab, outpatient and home care which is challenging... and the bf? well so far I don't get along with any jewish guys and now am dating (sort of...) a non-jewish guy, so so much for my great plans. House and kids? Well with my luck the house will be 2 hours away from my work and I'm not even sure I can easily have kids since my periods are irregular and sporadic since my percentage of body is really low (no I'm not anorexic, I just do not feel very hungry and dislike most sources of protein).
It doesn't help that I keep blaming myself for everything and thinking if I could have changed something would my life be better? would I or my family be happier? Or would my life be so different I wouldn't even recognize it?
I keep trying to move forward and forget about the past and everyone else's problems which I can't fix anyway, and yet keep getting sucked back in and keep feeling their pain and frustrations and of course my own issues that I am constantly trying to forget and control.
I look at people in my class and wonder why aren't they as stressed or as miserable as I am? Do they have to work as hard to understand and interpret social cues and what you can and can't say? Do they need alone time to recuperate from social interactions?
I know I shouldn't compare myself to others because everyone is different and has different issues but sometimes I wish I could stop being so sensitive to everything around me and be able to interact more easily with others and not have to try so hard and find that others still find me weird.
Ok rant over. My plan? Accept fate, if I end up in a small town 4 hours north so be it, maybe I'll actually like it there. If I end up marrying a non-jewish person it's not the end of the world, since nothing turns out the way you plan it.
Right now I have to stop procrastinating and continue studying since at least that much I can control. I have to forget about the future, since I have a test in 1 week, and assignment and assignment due in 4 days.
Over and out.
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