Old regrets, choices, and a racing mind

I've been struggling in the past few days to get back into my normal studying routine because I've been doing too much and a lot has been on my mind lately.

In the past few days I've managed to decide on a camera as a present for my parent (still debating whether it was the right choice), signed on and closed an online dating account, continued to edit an annoying assignment, dreading upcoming internship choices, and started to doubt my career choice, as well as doubt the future of the city. My mind is now running very fast and I can't slow it down, of course my hormones are making everything worse.

I have always had a problem making decisions. Some people make a decision and stay with it, I can never do that. I will doubt a decision that I make for months, years even and never know whether it was the correct decision and then I start blaming myself that a different decision would have been better. This becomes evident when I go shopping and cannot decide between different items, start trying to make some sort of structure to sort through the different choices and if I decide to buy something, I continue to blame myself that a different choice would have been better.

The same problem with my school, I keep thinking did I make the right choice? Should I have gone to the PA program instead? It sometimes seems I just lose all rational sense. I was reading the forums today and I realized that I do meet the cutoff for one med school and then a light went up and I thought, do I have a chance? Should I go for it? But the question then becomes do I want to go for it? Do I want to be in school for another 3 years + res? Of course all the old wishes came back to haunt me. Thankfully for my brain the decision was made for me and I cannot apply this year even if I wanted to since I'm not finished my grad program. But the nagging feeling remains should I have applied to other programs? Would I be happier in other programs? Will I be satisfied as a PT or always regret my choice?

Next on my many problems is my lack of any kind of dating life. Why? Well the main issue is that there is no real places for me to meet guys, in undergrad, my program was mainly made of girls with an odd guy, and now its the same thing in grad. Since I'm fairly busy, I don't tend to go out at all, hate bars, clubs, concerts and any other crowded spots and so end up at home most time when I'm not in school. So I turn to online dating since I mistakenly think that the more people the more likely to meet someone you like right? wrong. Everyone on it starts looking for a supermodel that doesn't exist. Most guys are not looking for a relationship on it, and end up messaging everyone hoping someone will respond, or don't message anyone because they don't satisfy their requirements. All it took was a few strange conversations on the site to get me to completely lose hope in it and have now closed it. I've realized that it is not the best way to meet guys, and I will just have to wait until I'm done this and when I have less stress to start up my search again and not online.

I just wish that time could slow down and instead of running in a rat cage and trying to complete a 100 things/day I could actually enjoy something small like going outside with my cat, or watching a movie, while instead I end up answering many phone calls, trying to keep medical issues under control, being the family physio that attempts to fix family related injuries since we have no insurance, and try to keep up with schoolwork for which I have no motivation.

Sometimes I wonder how long I can keep going without burning out. Or if I've already reached the burn-out stage. The main problem is that I don't have a lot to look forward to, the future is very cloudy, instead of being clear. Will I get a job when I finish? Will I hate it? Will I ever find a partner? Will I ever be happy?

I try to shut out my true feelings and fears, to not feel anything, and even though I am getting better at hiding them from others, they never really go away. The more I try to deny them the harder they come back.

So tomorrow, I am going to try to put my guard up again and go back to not feeling anything, no more forums, tv shows, reduce news, no dating websites or guys. Just school, since that is what I have to focus on at the moment, and everything else will come later.

Terror attacks

I try to usually suppress my feelings but it becomes difficult to do sometimes. There have been 2 terror attacks in Israel in the past 2 weeks in addition to constant rocket fire in the south, and even though I don't live there anymore, I feel emotionally attached. Most people in North America have no idea what it's like to constantly live in that kind of environment where an attack can occur at any moment, where no place is safe, every bag is suspicious, where going on a bus is every day takes a lot of courage. What do when you don't know if your son/daughter will come back from the army? (which is mandatory for all men and women over 18). What do you do when there is a siren wailing every time a rocket approaches and you think is it in my area? Do I have time to run to a bomb shelter? Should I stay and take the risk?

Most of us can't imagine living in these conditions and often think about England WWII. Yet there are 5 million people that live with these conditions every day and most of the world either ignores them or starts blaming them if they decide to take any action to defend themselves. The question becomes would any western country tolerate this type of environment?

Here I am worrying about my clinical choices and my assignments, and when I have to wake up tomorrow, and yet if we all think about it all those things are incredibly insignificant. My parents chose to leave for the reasons above and were lucky to be able to, but we still have relatives there and most people there do not want to leave or do not have the choice to and this is their daily life and they learn to adapt to ever changing circumstances and fight for their right to live there. I really respect them because it is not easy to continue in these type of conditions, and I hope someday it is possible for everyone in the region to learn to live peacefully like we somehow manage to here in Canada.

My thoughts are with the injured in Israel, as well as the people impacted in US by hurricane Irene, I hope the recovery is fast and everybody is able to return to some kind of normal again, even though the normal keeps changing daily.

'Hope is better than fear'

So most Canadians are probably aware that Jack Layton has died a few days ago and today was his funeral. For those that don't know, he was the leader of the NDP party which became the opposition party of canada. The sad part was that he was only 61 and died of cancer.

I never knew him personally, and I didn't always agree with his political ideas, but it has affected me a lot more than I thought it would. It has ignited something in me that I thought was lost. Through the stories that have been printed and the coverage on tv I realized that he never went into politics for personal gain, it was always to make it better for others. He believed in the basics of life improving health care, education, jobs, and living conditions for all Canadians of all ethnicities. He believed in hope and that's rare for a politician. He also believed that he could produce change and didn't believe people that said it was impossible.

It has been a long time where I've allowed myself to feel anything, and most often am happy to exist with very few emotions. Due to my perceived failures and regrets I had in a way lost hope in life. Co-existing in life is one thing but it doesn't bring happiness. We hear problems on problems daily in our lives, in the news and in a way we lose hope for things to improve. Jack never lost hope.

"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."

Nostalgia during a road trip

Just came back from an 'active' vacation and am totally exhausted and drained. Went to a city that I used to live in and its true what they say when they say you can't go back to the past. I had an okay time, went to some museums, the parliment buildings, went biking around the city on another day and saw some friends we had when we lived there. Of course got overheated on one day and the biking involved a bike with bad brakes which was an adventure in itself but what's a vacation without some adventure. Of course the hotel is another matter which let's just say its not the best idea to stay in the cheapest available option and sometimes makes more sense to pay for something to have a more enjoyable experience, definitely learned that the hard way (bad creaking mattress, smoke filled bathroom, bad air quality).

I didn't go alone (with siblings) and that was frustrating since I quickly learned we don't share the same ideas and trying to compromise was very frustrating. I tended to give in quite a bit since they are guests and in the end gave up trying to voice my own ideas and that caused me to be quite miserable since I didn't really get to do what I wanted to do and just went along with what they wanted. I've realized that compromise should go both ways and if it doesn't resentment builds up. I felt I couldn't really be truthful since they would get insulted and I didn't want to be difficult but I definitely didn't feel as much a part of it and didn't really enjoy the trip since I didn't really have control of anything. I felt the difference as soon as I got home and finally felt in control of my own life again and didn't have to depend on them for making the decisions. Having control definitely makes a difference in your own self-esteem and happiness.

This trip made me realize that a lot of our memories are very selective and we often choose to remember only the positive and ignore the negative. I had always painted the city in a positive light since it was the first place where I had some real friends and I felt a semi-normal teenage years (if there is such a thing). The problem is I forget about all the negative events and when those came flooding back they overwhelmed me (job loss, guilt about my dad living in a different city, friend drama). The city also changed quite a bit and that surprised me since for some reason I keep thinking that everything stayed the way it was and of course things keep changing and not always for the better.

Also for the first time in a long time I felt like an outsider. In the capital I felt like I didn't belong since my native language isn't english or french and I felt like people were judging us, and it wasn't a comfortable feeling, since I didn't really feel canadian anymore. I guess the reason why immigrants move to big cities to be surrounded by their own community is so that they feel accepted, since even though they learn the language, they are never as fluent as the native population and therefore don't feel like they belong. I often take it for granted that I live in such a such a multicultural city and this trip made me appreciate it.

What the trip also made me realize is it takes a family to make a house a home. The house itself doesn't do it. My problem was I felt I could never identify a permanent home since we moved so much but the truth is my identity is not tied to a specific city or house but its tied to our family and wherever we went we made the place a home.