So as a quick update, I did go today and volunteered for a run, and was outside for 2 hours, and yes don't laugh, that's a big accomplishment for me. I feel okay so far, although my throat clearing is a little worse, but nothing too bad, and of course I needed a 2 hour mid-day nap to recover sigh. Hopefully, this will give me the motivation to continue to go out and actually do the stuff that I encourage other people to do. I mean it is one thing to say, 'It is very important for your health, wellness and recovery to get about 30min of exercise every day', and it is sort of hypocritical when I don't do it myself, and fear going out for a 20min walk, or am terrified of starting my weight training scedule. I mean I'm supposed to do what I preach...but instead of actually getting off my butt and doing something, I sit in front of the computer for hours reading forums and news, and then I go downstairs and watch tv, and I hide behind the fact that well I'm not better yet...but really it will a long time to get better, and if I'm not studying anyway, I should try to do something active.
In other news, I've been really really lazy about studying for my national exam for the past while, and have had no motivation whatsoever. Again I use the excuse that I'm still sick, but really, how long can I use that excuse. The problem is though that I was doing really well, and feeling better and more optimistic and even going out, and then I get sick, and its sort of like I took 3 steps back, and am feeling tired, pessimistic about the future, and have the renewed nagging feeling that I won't be able to do this job because I'm too weak, and that I'll be constantly sick or on eggshells fearing getting sick, that I'm not athletic enough, don't have the communication skills...etc. I need to somehow break out of this cycle and soon, because hey I'm starting my internship in 1 day, and the boards are in 1 month, so I have to try to force myself to study.
I don't know if its the fatigue, still being semi-sick, but I even after these last 2 years I still don't quite see a future. I mean a lot of people I know would kill to be in my shoes, but the truth is I have to keep fighting and I'm getting tired of fighting. I look on job boards, and yes there are jobs, but the fact is there are possibly 70 jobs across ontario and a lot of them are part-time, and realistically that's not enough for the 250 new PT's that will graduate this year. I mean, yes, I'm jumping the gun, I need to actually finish first, and yes across 5-6months, most people will most likely end up with something, but it still I think mostly depends on luck and personality, and I don't know if I'll be that lucky, considering how bad I did on my previous placements, and the fact that I'm naturally not as outgoing as a lot of other people, and don't have the athletic and coaching background and don't have a good memory. Now worse comes to worse, I do have the option of buying a practice and just trying to learn on the job, but fear that I would make a lot of mistakes, and wouldn't do a good job at all without at least a bit of mentoring...
Oh well..off to bed, and hope that tomorrow is a better day.
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