So we spent the last few days learning about the amputee population and the rehab involved and also got to talk to a few amputees and how they are doing. It really surprised me how well many people adjust to not having part of their body. Prosthetics have become really amazing devices and the technology is evolving every day. Now there are artificial knees that sense how the body is moving and know when to bend and when to lock, people can even walk up stairs with no hams/glutes and the artificial knee doing all the work!
Although I realized today, that recovery really depends on whether the pt is otherwise healthy and how much insurance the person has. The government does not fund anything but the most basic prosthesis, and unless the pt has insurance from MVA, work-comp, or work insurance, they have to pay out of pocket. Let me mention the amazing C-leg or micropressor computer knee is 50K, the price of a car.
Another disparity is the amount of rehab pt receive and this depends on where they acquired their injury. MVA + work= more rehab, since the insurance companies pay the rehab centre extra money. Injured at home, or diabetes= goverment= only a few months of rehab and then you're on your own...This was especially frustrating to see, since the more rehab pt receive at the beginning, the better they do, and even though they are 'functional' at home (can walk, transfer, cook), that doesn't mean that they are able to return to their normal life, and ultimately that should the goal of rehab and not just to be functional.
On the other hand, I was really inspired how people overcome very very hard injuries, and many are very resilient, positive and every day give it their all in therapy, complaining very little and given what a lot of them have been through, they definitely have the right to complain. For many pt even after an above knee amp, they are able to walk, do stairs and even playing modified sports which is fairly remarkable. Imagine, snowboarding and playing competitive volleyball with an above knee amputation? Really inspiring.
Although after this week, I realized this population is not really for me (sigh, I keep crossing things job environments off my list instead of adding them). The main issue for me is that I'm so far still fairly bad at analyzing normal gait, let alone amputee gait, and trying to correct amputee gait is very difficult since you have to think, what muscles are there, which ones are missing? What can you compensate with? Is it the muscle weakness/imbalance, the other leg or the prosthesis that is causing the gait deviation? Definitely a lot harder than it seems, and the therapists are definitely experts and can spot even the slightest limp and can fairly quickly identify the cause. I usually can spot there is a problem, but my guess work at what is causing it is usually wrong...sigh.
Being back working with patients for even 1 day was definitely challenging after being in class for so long. It is definitely a challenge to suddenly become the professional that has to take think about what to say, how to be appropriate, and how to even motivate again. The other problem is that everyone views you as a person with knowledge, and it is not really an option to say 'I don't know', so in those cases, my brain quickly tries to put together the enourmous amount of info we have learned so far to come up with a semi-right answer and hopefully attempt to answer their questions, although it was definitely a challenge. In most instances, the type of exercises and treatment techniques we learn should be adaptable to many patients, but for me, the adaptation of these exercises is definitely a challenge since I constantly wonder will I cause more harm? Can this exercise break their prosthesis? Will the manual mobs for a pt with a disc herniation cause more pressure on the spinal cord? It doesn't make it easier when without any preparation, (I end up being on my own since everyone got other partners) do a subjective+ obj Ax + suggest a Rx plan in an hour. I mean I should start getting prepared for this, since this is what awaits me in 2 months (internship), but it is really really challenging for my brain...
Another thing that frustrated me, is that we don't see everything. What therapists and doctors consider a good success story where the pt is able to walk without aids and live in the community, may not be good enough for the pt. They may still be in pain, have to deal with other medical problems from their disease (diabetes), and depending on the type of job they did, they may not be able to return to their previous job, and may also have a lot of changes in their interpersonal relationships such as with friends and family, and we don't see a lot of that. So for them, success is not just being able to walk without a gait aid, for them success is being able to go back to their jobs, play sports, be able to play with their kids, have good relationships with their family, and live in a their own home without having to modifying it. What I've learned is that many do suffer from depression, and many may start medicating with alcohol, and for me the most frustrating thing is I don't know how to help them....ROM, strength, gait, balance are often a lot easier to fix then their relationships, employment and mood. Struggling with depression myself has actually made it harder to help others, since I know how hard it is to come out of and that their are no easier answers, and even though I could just say like everyone else, 'push through it, it will get better', 'life is what you make it', 'there are always things to live for'. I know that they can be empty promises for a person that has diabetes, possible kidney failure, pain, and little prospect of going back to what their life was like before...
So I quess to summarize, even though a lot of people struggle and continue to struggle with a prosthesis, a lot of people are able to get back to their life and for many, it is almost impossible to tell from their walking or activities that they had a amputation, and that is truly inspiring because it takes a lot of work.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Another test conquered- finding my balance
So from my sometimes panic posts, it almost seems like my moods are always down and that's not really true, since when I'm not completely freaking about an upcoming test, I do feel okay, and am not as it seems constantly depressed. Usually, as for most people my low mood, is tied to lack of sleep (ie 5-6hours for weeks), the commuting (2hours each day), being in class for 8hours straight, feeling incompetent in lab and of course stressing about the next test.
This week, I found out that I actually did well on the last test where to be perfectly honest, was guessing on a lot of things, and hoped the completely random things I was remembering from my 4 days of 16hours of consecutive studying. Note that I'm not good at cramming, and it stresses me to the point of a breakdown.
It also helps to complain with other classmates who are going through the same pressures and dealing with the same problems. Also yesterday I was so tired of studying and school that I watched 5hours of tv and it did help me reset my brain. Sometimes what the brain needs is to completely zone out and forget about your own problems. From what I actually remember from my psych classes, distraction is actually a better coping mechanism than ruminating, so maybe I should watch more movies than obsessively think how I'll do on the next test, or how I don't know anything, or how I can't remember anything.
I've sort of accepted my insane program and their unfair testing, inadequate teaching, and little help, since I've realized other programs are probably no better. I've realized that if I want to learn something I have to teach it to myself, or learn it after graduating with post-grad course. I also realized that to do well, I have to ignore their advice of just learning the basics, and try to learn all the detail, since their tests are based on detail and not just basics.
Acceptance does not mean that my frustration and criticism has gone. Why do they think that overwhelming us with information is helpful? there is only so much info my brain can actually absorb, and after a while it becomes saturated and can only retain it for a few days before being overwritten by new info. Also, how does giving us a basically blank lab manual help? We end up trying to frantically write down the info during labs while trying to at the same time watch the actual way to perform the test. This results in 3 people having 3 different notes and interpretations of how to do the test, wouldn't it be easier to give us the actual instruction in the lab manual? Apparently not, since 'studies have shown that we learn best by being engaged in the material and writing helps us be engaged', I call BS on that statement. Writing down the wrong way to do the test is very frustrating, and quess what some people are not oral learners! Some people need information written down, and need to reread the info 10 times before they understand.
I also question their idea of not answering questions, because 'we need time to think about it and answer it ourselves', well where are we going to get the answers? The answers are so specific that the internet offers no help, and neither do the 5 PT books I have. Then of course they think its fair to ask these questions which were not answered on a quiz, sigh.
The biggest problem though, is that our knowledge is inadequate for our clinical internships, and instead of teaching us, they critique us, and throw us into the deep end thinking that we know what we're doing and we in turn have to pretend we know what we're doing since otherwise they can not pass us. I get that they are busy, and not everyone likes to have students and it takes longer to get through the day, and not everyone volunteers, but ultimately, even if it is just part of their jobs, shouldn't it be their duty to at least try to teach us something instead of just giving us patients and not explaining how to treat them?
Well enough down time, back to studying, and hopefully I can continue to try to find some balance and not feel so stressed again, although I know that that's easier said than done.
This week, I found out that I actually did well on the last test where to be perfectly honest, was guessing on a lot of things, and hoped the completely random things I was remembering from my 4 days of 16hours of consecutive studying. Note that I'm not good at cramming, and it stresses me to the point of a breakdown.
It also helps to complain with other classmates who are going through the same pressures and dealing with the same problems. Also yesterday I was so tired of studying and school that I watched 5hours of tv and it did help me reset my brain. Sometimes what the brain needs is to completely zone out and forget about your own problems. From what I actually remember from my psych classes, distraction is actually a better coping mechanism than ruminating, so maybe I should watch more movies than obsessively think how I'll do on the next test, or how I don't know anything, or how I can't remember anything.
I've sort of accepted my insane program and their unfair testing, inadequate teaching, and little help, since I've realized other programs are probably no better. I've realized that if I want to learn something I have to teach it to myself, or learn it after graduating with post-grad course. I also realized that to do well, I have to ignore their advice of just learning the basics, and try to learn all the detail, since their tests are based on detail and not just basics.
Acceptance does not mean that my frustration and criticism has gone. Why do they think that overwhelming us with information is helpful? there is only so much info my brain can actually absorb, and after a while it becomes saturated and can only retain it for a few days before being overwritten by new info. Also, how does giving us a basically blank lab manual help? We end up trying to frantically write down the info during labs while trying to at the same time watch the actual way to perform the test. This results in 3 people having 3 different notes and interpretations of how to do the test, wouldn't it be easier to give us the actual instruction in the lab manual? Apparently not, since 'studies have shown that we learn best by being engaged in the material and writing helps us be engaged', I call BS on that statement. Writing down the wrong way to do the test is very frustrating, and quess what some people are not oral learners! Some people need information written down, and need to reread the info 10 times before they understand.
I also question their idea of not answering questions, because 'we need time to think about it and answer it ourselves', well where are we going to get the answers? The answers are so specific that the internet offers no help, and neither do the 5 PT books I have. Then of course they think its fair to ask these questions which were not answered on a quiz, sigh.
The biggest problem though, is that our knowledge is inadequate for our clinical internships, and instead of teaching us, they critique us, and throw us into the deep end thinking that we know what we're doing and we in turn have to pretend we know what we're doing since otherwise they can not pass us. I get that they are busy, and not everyone likes to have students and it takes longer to get through the day, and not everyone volunteers, but ultimately, even if it is just part of their jobs, shouldn't it be their duty to at least try to teach us something instead of just giving us patients and not explaining how to treat them?
Well enough down time, back to studying, and hopefully I can continue to try to find some balance and not feel so stressed again, although I know that that's easier said than done.
Monday, February 6, 2012
The what if game
In recent days, my brain has gone into overdrive, and I've become so unmotivated to study and so burnt out that I continue to play the what-if game. What if I went to a different university? What it be better, easier, less stressful? What if I didn't switch from bio to psyc? Would I have worse marks?
What if I agreed to leave another city earlier, would we have a better house? less planes? more quiet? More financial security? Would I have actually met someone?
What if I did go to carrib med, would I have finished? flunked? get matched, unmatched? be in 250K in debt?
These questions have been eating me alive, and I am so burnt out from studying that I feel like I've completely lost it, and started thinking if maybe I would make a better real estate agent than a therapist, sigh. I've started to consider the crazy possibility of applying to one med school next year and take my chance at the lottery of 3% chance of getting accepted...yes I've officially gone nuts.
It seems that my mood goes from depressed to these crazy ideas, and continously thinking about things I can't change unless a time machine was invented. People say to live in the moment, but it's really tough to do especially for someone whose mind races at a mile a minute thinking and calculating a million things at once. I actually envy people that can slow down, forget about everything, and actually have fun without thinking, I have no idea how to do that.
I keep thinking I'm making progress on dealing with my moods but the truth is, I've gotten better at pretending and hiding them, but I still struggle with a lot of negative repetitive thinking that I can't seem to shake. The only thing that makes it better, is to make my brain shut off with movies, which isn't the best solution. I've started to realize that nothing really magically get's better, and there are new problems that start to creep up. After I finish, I have about another prob 4 years of post-grad courses I'll need to take.
What am I expecting to get better? Are my problems going to magically dissapear after I finish? Will I overnight be able to get a life? Will working actually make me happier? Will I somehow get less sensitive to sounds, lights, people? Will I actually meet someone who I like and don't want to stop going out after 4 dates? Will my mind stop racing?
I just don't know anymore, I know that a lot of things are beyond my control, and I can't really reverse time and who knows how I do I know where I would be if I did make different choices in life? Would I be working in grocery store, or in a restaurant? Would I be a real estate agent? Would I have a kid already? Would I be in a useless major with no prospect of a job such as OT, rad therapy, nuc tech (few jobs in ontario)? Would my decisions influence everyone else around me?
I quess the lesson for me is that I just don't know what my life would have been like, and as hard as it, it is important to live in the present, forget the past and try to move forward with whatever path lies ahead, no matter how hard, painful, hurtful, or frustrating. I have to accept my choices in life, because ruminating on mistakes is not helpful, and I just have to move on, accept my choices and limitations, such as choosing this ****university, because I don't know if I would have done better in another one, I could have, or not, and I'll really never know. Just like I've learned to accept my personality, that I'm different, that it's harder for me to interact with others, to have a relationship, and that often I do have to work harder in school to pass then others that can just absorb the information in class.
So, without further ado, with the next breath (breathe in), I let go of the past, stop thinking about it, and only think about the present and the future (breathe out). I stop blaming myself for everything that I did not do perfectly, and for the mistakes that I did make. I accept the responsibility, and know that in the future, I will probably make more mistakes but that is life, and life is not perfect (especially mine). In the end living in the past does not solve anything and I have to look to the future, and whether that future involves me becoming a successful manual therapist, possibly owning my own clinic, or winning the ever frustrating med lottery, I don't know. Does that future involve me being single, or having 3 kids? I quess I'll have to wait and see, because hey that's life, and there is no manual, no magic ball to actually tell you what to, only your own decisions to continually guide you, which can be increadibly frustrating. I vow that the next time I think of the past, I instead think about some positive image and look to the future instead of the past.
What if I agreed to leave another city earlier, would we have a better house? less planes? more quiet? More financial security? Would I have actually met someone?
What if I did go to carrib med, would I have finished? flunked? get matched, unmatched? be in 250K in debt?
These questions have been eating me alive, and I am so burnt out from studying that I feel like I've completely lost it, and started thinking if maybe I would make a better real estate agent than a therapist, sigh. I've started to consider the crazy possibility of applying to one med school next year and take my chance at the lottery of 3% chance of getting accepted...yes I've officially gone nuts.
It seems that my mood goes from depressed to these crazy ideas, and continously thinking about things I can't change unless a time machine was invented. People say to live in the moment, but it's really tough to do especially for someone whose mind races at a mile a minute thinking and calculating a million things at once. I actually envy people that can slow down, forget about everything, and actually have fun without thinking, I have no idea how to do that.
I keep thinking I'm making progress on dealing with my moods but the truth is, I've gotten better at pretending and hiding them, but I still struggle with a lot of negative repetitive thinking that I can't seem to shake. The only thing that makes it better, is to make my brain shut off with movies, which isn't the best solution. I've started to realize that nothing really magically get's better, and there are new problems that start to creep up. After I finish, I have about another prob 4 years of post-grad courses I'll need to take.
What am I expecting to get better? Are my problems going to magically dissapear after I finish? Will I overnight be able to get a life? Will working actually make me happier? Will I somehow get less sensitive to sounds, lights, people? Will I actually meet someone who I like and don't want to stop going out after 4 dates? Will my mind stop racing?
I just don't know anymore, I know that a lot of things are beyond my control, and I can't really reverse time and who knows how I do I know where I would be if I did make different choices in life? Would I be working in grocery store, or in a restaurant? Would I be a real estate agent? Would I have a kid already? Would I be in a useless major with no prospect of a job such as OT, rad therapy, nuc tech (few jobs in ontario)? Would my decisions influence everyone else around me?
I quess the lesson for me is that I just don't know what my life would have been like, and as hard as it, it is important to live in the present, forget the past and try to move forward with whatever path lies ahead, no matter how hard, painful, hurtful, or frustrating. I have to accept my choices in life, because ruminating on mistakes is not helpful, and I just have to move on, accept my choices and limitations, such as choosing this ****university, because I don't know if I would have done better in another one, I could have, or not, and I'll really never know. Just like I've learned to accept my personality, that I'm different, that it's harder for me to interact with others, to have a relationship, and that often I do have to work harder in school to pass then others that can just absorb the information in class.
So, without further ado, with the next breath (breathe in), I let go of the past, stop thinking about it, and only think about the present and the future (breathe out). I stop blaming myself for everything that I did not do perfectly, and for the mistakes that I did make. I accept the responsibility, and know that in the future, I will probably make more mistakes but that is life, and life is not perfect (especially mine). In the end living in the past does not solve anything and I have to look to the future, and whether that future involves me becoming a successful manual therapist, possibly owning my own clinic, or winning the ever frustrating med lottery, I don't know. Does that future involve me being single, or having 3 kids? I quess I'll have to wait and see, because hey that's life, and there is no manual, no magic ball to actually tell you what to, only your own decisions to continually guide you, which can be increadibly frustrating. I vow that the next time I think of the past, I instead think about some positive image and look to the future instead of the past.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
100 posts- what changed in the past 1.5 years
So this is my 100th post, which is surprising since I didn't think I'd actually have enough things to write about when I first started this blog.
I started to document my journey, and it has definitely been a roller coaster that has not ended. It has been a lot tougher than I ever anticipated and has pushed me way beyond my boundaries and has forced me to adapt to a lot of different environments that I wasn't used to. Writing has helped me deal with a lot of issues that I can't really talk to anyone about and in a way can be compared to online therapy.
The past week has been really tough, since I had my first test in this new frustrating unit. I spent 4 days studying for 17hours/day and still felt like I was bsing my way through the test. The amount of material we have to learn is akin to the amount we would learn through a whole semester in undergrad, and we had to learn that in 4 days...very frustrating. It made me really question how I could ever actually handle med school, when the amount of information they have to memorize is often triple to what we have to look at. I've realized my memory is definitely a limiting factor since what happens is I learn something and unless I find it very interesting I forget it, since it get's rewritten by new information, no matter how hard I try.
I wish I could say that after 1.5 years, I actually know something, but the truth is I feel I still know absolutely nothing, and partly that is the fault of the program I'm in, and they're really bad organizational and teaching skills (serves me right for going to the 'centre of the universe' university). Partly though, I do feel that it is very challenging for me to learn at their pace, and not being from a kine or sports background does put me in a disadvantage.
I mean half the time I think what the heck am I doing here? I only play one sport, and have only a vague idea of how to play any others. I don't go to the gym, and only vaguely know the type of machines that are available and what they actually do. I have no upper body strength to actually practice in ortho as I have been told more than a couple of times...yes I do need to work on that I know. My memory is fairly bad, and I have trouble remembering which patient comes with what condition let alone actually remembering their treatments and how to progress them. Also so far, I have not actually enjoyed any of my placements and have done poorly in 3/4, although to my defense, having 2 instructors and different expectations, as well as having a poor teaching environment definitely does not help....
Most people will ask what the heck I thought of when choosing this profession, and now what the heck I'm thinking choosing the tough outpatient ortho specialization instead of the easier inpatient hospital work? Didn't I take the place of a person that deserves to be here more? Well the answer is complicated since first off, there is a actually a job problem where 300 new PT grads for ontario is sort of a lot, especially considering that public sector jobs are drying up and the private sector is not expanding at a fast enough pace, so even though everyone from last year found a job, it is becoming tougher and really becoming who you know. Why did I choose this? Well it's true it is a back-up for me, but my marks aren't good enough for med and with a gen Bsc, my options for jobs are sort of limited to min wage retail or trying to get into business sector such as buying a store, or playing the stock market, both of which are not the most appealing option...given that I have low patience, and high anxiety. Looking back, would I have made a different choice? Well I prob wouldn't choose centre of the universe, but I would still choose PT even though I know how incredibly tough physically and mentally challenging, since ultimately there are no better options.
Why private ortho? Well let me recap again my options are sort of limited, since I don't enjoy acute hospital work, and 90% of the time when I was during my placement was terrified that someone would fall, and I wouldn't be able to catch them...which did happen, although I was able to catch them. Plus I learned I couldn't deal with all the ass-kissing and hospital beuracracy in the hospital. I think I enjoy having more autonomy, although it does scare me, and I do like dealing with stable patients who aren't going to fall or have a heart attack after a walk. The other thing is I find hospital acute care boring, most of the time, is spent ambulating with them, and then discharge planning, and I feel you don't need any skills for that.
I have learned enough to do basic treatment at home, and have managed to get my grandmother ambulating with a cane and up 2 flights of stairs after a 3 looooong weeks in the hospital, and many many complications, and an escape from rehab that was making her worse, although I don't really feel like I did anything substantial. I did force my parents to go to qualified physio to treat the injuries, and am now in the process of trying to find a third PT to help my dad's rotator cuff injury, since even though he has made substantial gains, he is plateauing...and stiff does not have full range and still has pain from everyday activities.
Emotionally, its been very very tough. I've become much more jaded and pessimistic in general. Although my mood has stabilized, and I'm not as emotional, and have learned to control my anger and depression a little, and now have this low-level pessimism, and I don't react to anything anymore since that is the only to cope with everything. The benefit, is that I'm not as afraid to speak my mind, and therefore I'm not as nervous when speaking and therefore don't stutter as much. I also have started swearing which I have always avoiding, but now find it as another coping strategy.
Nobody quite realizes how tough it actually is treating 10 patients/day on placement all with different personalities, needs, and problems and being confident while doing it, as well as dealing with problems at home. Nobody teaches this, or prepares us for it. It's worse in ortho, since most people are also skeptical, and want a quick fix, which I've learned doesn't exist. Injuries take a long time to heal, and many don't actually fully heal, and people have to learn to accept that. The other problem is it takes time and unfortunately money, and if actually even have insurance, often times it doesn't cover 100%, or just covers 4 visits, which is not enough time. Many people especially immigrants don't know what a PT does, and a lot of docs don't even believe PT works, so even though many would benefit many don't go. One person I know with partial insurance, can't bend three fingers due to scar tissue, and doesn't go to physio because its too 'expensive' and not 'free', let me also mention this is a person that spends over $100/week for restaurants, and tips 30%....
My personal life, has been a semi-mess...although I can say that I've officially had a 1 month relationship, and have 'made out', but I haven't had a real relationship and personally haven't even enjoyed making out. I've made quite a few friends in my program without whose help I don't know where I'd be. I've been able to maintain a good relationship with my parents and grandparents, and have learned to hide my moods although not always very well.
I've definitely changed, and do have some more confidence and better language and communication skills. Although I still struggle with a low-level depression, which considering everything is not too surprising, I still continue to have a lot of regrets, that I keep ruminating about and the inability to move on...I'm also still avoiding social gatherings due to the fear of getting sick, although to my credit I even went to a restaurant B-day party, which I usually try to avoid.
In the past 1.5 years my perception of life in general has definitely changed and I feel like a lot more questions than answers to everything, which is frustrating because I always thought that as I grew older I would have a lot more answers. I've learned to cope better albeit in not very positive ways and have fewer melt-downs. I have a lot of things I still have to work, including doubt, regret, and social interaction, but in general I don't feel as hopeless as I felt a few years ago when my dream of med sort of died.
So I want to thank all the readers for continuing to read, and follow my crazy adventure, and hey feel free to comment at any time, I'd love to know what others think and if similar/different experiences. Otherwise I hope everyone has a good weekend.
I started to document my journey, and it has definitely been a roller coaster that has not ended. It has been a lot tougher than I ever anticipated and has pushed me way beyond my boundaries and has forced me to adapt to a lot of different environments that I wasn't used to. Writing has helped me deal with a lot of issues that I can't really talk to anyone about and in a way can be compared to online therapy.
The past week has been really tough, since I had my first test in this new frustrating unit. I spent 4 days studying for 17hours/day and still felt like I was bsing my way through the test. The amount of material we have to learn is akin to the amount we would learn through a whole semester in undergrad, and we had to learn that in 4 days...very frustrating. It made me really question how I could ever actually handle med school, when the amount of information they have to memorize is often triple to what we have to look at. I've realized my memory is definitely a limiting factor since what happens is I learn something and unless I find it very interesting I forget it, since it get's rewritten by new information, no matter how hard I try.
I wish I could say that after 1.5 years, I actually know something, but the truth is I feel I still know absolutely nothing, and partly that is the fault of the program I'm in, and they're really bad organizational and teaching skills (serves me right for going to the 'centre of the universe' university). Partly though, I do feel that it is very challenging for me to learn at their pace, and not being from a kine or sports background does put me in a disadvantage.
I mean half the time I think what the heck am I doing here? I only play one sport, and have only a vague idea of how to play any others. I don't go to the gym, and only vaguely know the type of machines that are available and what they actually do. I have no upper body strength to actually practice in ortho as I have been told more than a couple of times...yes I do need to work on that I know. My memory is fairly bad, and I have trouble remembering which patient comes with what condition let alone actually remembering their treatments and how to progress them. Also so far, I have not actually enjoyed any of my placements and have done poorly in 3/4, although to my defense, having 2 instructors and different expectations, as well as having a poor teaching environment definitely does not help....
Most people will ask what the heck I thought of when choosing this profession, and now what the heck I'm thinking choosing the tough outpatient ortho specialization instead of the easier inpatient hospital work? Didn't I take the place of a person that deserves to be here more? Well the answer is complicated since first off, there is a actually a job problem where 300 new PT grads for ontario is sort of a lot, especially considering that public sector jobs are drying up and the private sector is not expanding at a fast enough pace, so even though everyone from last year found a job, it is becoming tougher and really becoming who you know. Why did I choose this? Well it's true it is a back-up for me, but my marks aren't good enough for med and with a gen Bsc, my options for jobs are sort of limited to min wage retail or trying to get into business sector such as buying a store, or playing the stock market, both of which are not the most appealing option...given that I have low patience, and high anxiety. Looking back, would I have made a different choice? Well I prob wouldn't choose centre of the universe, but I would still choose PT even though I know how incredibly tough physically and mentally challenging, since ultimately there are no better options.
Why private ortho? Well let me recap again my options are sort of limited, since I don't enjoy acute hospital work, and 90% of the time when I was during my placement was terrified that someone would fall, and I wouldn't be able to catch them...which did happen, although I was able to catch them. Plus I learned I couldn't deal with all the ass-kissing and hospital beuracracy in the hospital. I think I enjoy having more autonomy, although it does scare me, and I do like dealing with stable patients who aren't going to fall or have a heart attack after a walk. The other thing is I find hospital acute care boring, most of the time, is spent ambulating with them, and then discharge planning, and I feel you don't need any skills for that.
I have learned enough to do basic treatment at home, and have managed to get my grandmother ambulating with a cane and up 2 flights of stairs after a 3 looooong weeks in the hospital, and many many complications, and an escape from rehab that was making her worse, although I don't really feel like I did anything substantial. I did force my parents to go to qualified physio to treat the injuries, and am now in the process of trying to find a third PT to help my dad's rotator cuff injury, since even though he has made substantial gains, he is plateauing...and stiff does not have full range and still has pain from everyday activities.
Emotionally, its been very very tough. I've become much more jaded and pessimistic in general. Although my mood has stabilized, and I'm not as emotional, and have learned to control my anger and depression a little, and now have this low-level pessimism, and I don't react to anything anymore since that is the only to cope with everything. The benefit, is that I'm not as afraid to speak my mind, and therefore I'm not as nervous when speaking and therefore don't stutter as much. I also have started swearing which I have always avoiding, but now find it as another coping strategy.
Nobody quite realizes how tough it actually is treating 10 patients/day on placement all with different personalities, needs, and problems and being confident while doing it, as well as dealing with problems at home. Nobody teaches this, or prepares us for it. It's worse in ortho, since most people are also skeptical, and want a quick fix, which I've learned doesn't exist. Injuries take a long time to heal, and many don't actually fully heal, and people have to learn to accept that. The other problem is it takes time and unfortunately money, and if actually even have insurance, often times it doesn't cover 100%, or just covers 4 visits, which is not enough time. Many people especially immigrants don't know what a PT does, and a lot of docs don't even believe PT works, so even though many would benefit many don't go. One person I know with partial insurance, can't bend three fingers due to scar tissue, and doesn't go to physio because its too 'expensive' and not 'free', let me also mention this is a person that spends over $100/week for restaurants, and tips 30%....
My personal life, has been a semi-mess...although I can say that I've officially had a 1 month relationship, and have 'made out', but I haven't had a real relationship and personally haven't even enjoyed making out. I've made quite a few friends in my program without whose help I don't know where I'd be. I've been able to maintain a good relationship with my parents and grandparents, and have learned to hide my moods although not always very well.
I've definitely changed, and do have some more confidence and better language and communication skills. Although I still struggle with a low-level depression, which considering everything is not too surprising, I still continue to have a lot of regrets, that I keep ruminating about and the inability to move on...I'm also still avoiding social gatherings due to the fear of getting sick, although to my credit I even went to a restaurant B-day party, which I usually try to avoid.
In the past 1.5 years my perception of life in general has definitely changed and I feel like a lot more questions than answers to everything, which is frustrating because I always thought that as I grew older I would have a lot more answers. I've learned to cope better albeit in not very positive ways and have fewer melt-downs. I have a lot of things I still have to work, including doubt, regret, and social interaction, but in general I don't feel as hopeless as I felt a few years ago when my dream of med sort of died.
So I want to thank all the readers for continuing to read, and follow my crazy adventure, and hey feel free to comment at any time, I'd love to know what others think and if similar/different experiences. Otherwise I hope everyone has a good weekend.
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