So my stress level reached a max yesterday after my anatomy test where I actually lost it and started screaming and crying at home and actually have no recollection of what I said and why...I now realize my stress level finally reached its breaking point and I couldn't handle it anymore.
Why? Well I officially failed my first PT test, yes I am that person that failed. Now the test was incredibly unfair and considering that I had a week to study for it, I actually did better than I thought, but of course it's not good enough...
Most people only focus about the getting in part, but don't know understand how crazy it is once they do get in. You really do become physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Imagine commuting for 2 hours every day, sitting in class for 6 hours, being in an anatomy lab with cadavers for another 2 hours, and then staying after class studying for another 4 hours, and you see why I have no energy to do anything anymore. Of course add in the extra traffic for the holidays from planes flying overhead and of course a family member who is sick, and you see my life for the past 2 weeks.
What the teachers fail to realize is that eventually everyone reaches a point where they can't absorb anymore information and they do reach a breaking point. Let's just say reaching a breaking point is not good physically or mentally.
The problem now is that the schedule just get's worse and worse, and I'm being forced to choose to study during the holidays so that I am at least semi-prepared when going back in January.
I realize that life is not meant to be easy, and I have to keep reminding myself how 'lucky' I am to have gotten into this competitive program but....it is incredibly stressful and I just wish sometimes that not all problems would occur at the same time, but alas that is not my destiny.
Otherwise, hope everyone enjoys the coming weekend! TGIF
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Meaning of Life
I sometimes wonder what is the meaning of our lives, especially after some really tough days. Is the purpose, to get a job, get married, buy a house, and have kids? Is the purpose to buy as much stuff as possible and cause as much pollution and environmental damage as possible? Or is the purpose to earn as much money as possible?
When I was younger I started thinking about the fact that I view the world from my own perspective and everything sort of revolves around me, and then I started thinking well, what happens when I will no longer be alive? Will the world still be from my perspective? Will my soul stay on? I started thinking about reincarnation and that my soul would transfer into a cat. After watching many movies I started thinking well maybe I would become a ghost or angel, or go to heaven....
I still think about those things because the question that always is at the back of my mind, is if I die tomorrow, would the world continue living and in from whose point of view will it be from?
Ultimately though....what I've learned in the past few months is most people's goals (not all) here are to make as much money as possible in whatever means necessary, be able to buy a nice house, nice car, have kids, go on vacations....but the real question is first off whether that brings happiness and secondly is there more to life than this? Some people who are more religious say that yes there is...and people often turn to religion to bring more meaning and control and understanding to their lives but is there more to it than that?
Does each person have an actual purpose that they are meant to fulfill or are we all just a large science experiment of what would happen if humans started to live beyond their means, and deplete the resources that are needed for their survival without any thought to the consequences and the future?
The reality is that the resources that we think are so plentiful are really finite, and oil that helps now sustain every part of our lives will run out in 50-100 years, as will coal and natural gas, so the real question becomes is the purpose of our lives to deplete all the resources that are present so our future generations have none??
So to end this philosophical post, I posted a link for a very interesting video that I saw today but the impact of the gulf oil spill and the consequences that would occur if one would happen here in Canada.
http://www.cbc.ca/documentaries/doczone/video.html
When I was younger I started thinking about the fact that I view the world from my own perspective and everything sort of revolves around me, and then I started thinking well, what happens when I will no longer be alive? Will the world still be from my perspective? Will my soul stay on? I started thinking about reincarnation and that my soul would transfer into a cat. After watching many movies I started thinking well maybe I would become a ghost or angel, or go to heaven....
I still think about those things because the question that always is at the back of my mind, is if I die tomorrow, would the world continue living and in from whose point of view will it be from?
Ultimately though....what I've learned in the past few months is most people's goals (not all) here are to make as much money as possible in whatever means necessary, be able to buy a nice house, nice car, have kids, go on vacations....but the real question is first off whether that brings happiness and secondly is there more to life than this? Some people who are more religious say that yes there is...and people often turn to religion to bring more meaning and control and understanding to their lives but is there more to it than that?
Does each person have an actual purpose that they are meant to fulfill or are we all just a large science experiment of what would happen if humans started to live beyond their means, and deplete the resources that are needed for their survival without any thought to the consequences and the future?
The reality is that the resources that we think are so plentiful are really finite, and oil that helps now sustain every part of our lives will run out in 50-100 years, as will coal and natural gas, so the real question becomes is the purpose of our lives to deplete all the resources that are present so our future generations have none??
So to end this philosophical post, I posted a link for a very interesting video that I saw today but the impact of the gulf oil spill and the consequences that would occur if one would happen here in Canada.
http://www.cbc.ca/documentaries/doczone/video.html
Monday, December 6, 2010
School and Burnout
It is definitely that time of year, where the holidays are so close I can almost taste it, yet there is still a test left that I have no energy to study for anymore. I want and need to look forward to the end, yet find myself staring blankly at the text, not absorbing any information.
In other news, we finished our first unit and started the second, the problem I keep having is I keep having high hopes that the next unit will keep me interested, yet each time, just end up thinking when will it end. It's not that the new unit isn't interesting, it's just that it's overwhelming, and every time I think about it, I become more and more overwhelmed and anxious. The problem is I'm not used to feeling that things are completely out of control. In my undergrad, I always felt I stayed on top of things and never let things fall behind but now...even though I study non-stop I feel that I still can't keep up, and barely catch up at the last minute. When I add my own family problems to the mix, the stress levels go up another 10 times. I keep thinking its almost over, but I just have no more energy to study anymore for this last test.
In yet other news, we just received our first official snowfall of the season, a whole 5cm! Let me tell you, cleaning it from the driveway is no picnic, and now I really wish I could get away and go skiing, there is nothing energizing like skiing 20kmh down a great hill thinking you're going to crash, and feeling all that adrenaline at the end of the hill, and not crashing!
In other news, we finished our first unit and started the second, the problem I keep having is I keep having high hopes that the next unit will keep me interested, yet each time, just end up thinking when will it end. It's not that the new unit isn't interesting, it's just that it's overwhelming, and every time I think about it, I become more and more overwhelmed and anxious. The problem is I'm not used to feeling that things are completely out of control. In my undergrad, I always felt I stayed on top of things and never let things fall behind but now...even though I study non-stop I feel that I still can't keep up, and barely catch up at the last minute. When I add my own family problems to the mix, the stress levels go up another 10 times. I keep thinking its almost over, but I just have no more energy to study anymore for this last test.
In yet other news, we just received our first official snowfall of the season, a whole 5cm! Let me tell you, cleaning it from the driveway is no picnic, and now I really wish I could get away and go skiing, there is nothing energizing like skiing 20kmh down a great hill thinking you're going to crash, and feeling all that adrenaline at the end of the hill, and not crashing!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Getting out with asthma
So I had a long day yesterday, but it was probably one of the first days where I actually enjoyed myself and forgot about my problems, and that is really, really rare.
Firstly, I finally admitted that so far I HATE my program, yes I admit it, and that felt great! To finally get that off my chest, now don't get me wrong I still love the profession and I met some great people in my class, I just hate the way they teach and structure it, but I have accepted that this is another hoop to jump through and another hurdle to overcome and eventually (if I will actually survive the program) it will end!
Why was it a good day? Well I did something I almost never do, I went out! Yes I went to a Christmas Festival with some classmates from class and I really enjoyed it and I don't even celebrate Christmas! It sounds like a simple thing to do but I almost never go out downtown because I am usually really afraid of getting sick and also because of my asthma.
As I've mentioned before I have mild asthma, to the point where I can't even classify it as such because I almost never have symptoms and if I do, they're not severe. The problem is that being downtown is a big trigger for my asthma because of the constant smoking, high density and car exhaust. Of course, my friends, not knowing about my asthma and not wanting to use money for transit, decided to walk for 15 min to the shuttle bus, yeah of course walking with the cars and smokers meant that almost right away I started wheezing and gasping....yeah this is usually when a normal person would use their inhaler, but as you now realize, I'm very far from normal, and of course can't use one. I did also start using a technique called PLB (pursed lip breathing) that they taught us, that does help a little and at least takes the edge off.
Now, I have learned to observe my symptoms and as long as I can still talk and don't have chest pain, I just ignore the wheezing, but the problem is that even at the festival there were a lot of smokers, car exhaust from nearby roads and even a bonfire, so of course my lungs really didn't like it and of course the chest pain started....that's when I realize that I should probably go home, before something worse happens. Of course as soon as I left, all the symptoms stopped.
So the real question is should I let asthma control what I do and where I go? I mean, I could just avoid downtown all together, and then wouldn't have any symptoms right?
The funny thing, is that without realizing it, that's what I've been doing for the past 4 years, being afraid of getting out for fear of triggering a cold or asthma, but I've been miserable. I mean today, even with the weather being cold (-2C) and not wearing proper footwear, and being on a bus that decided to take a longer route than walking (yes it's possible) and even wheezing and gasping, I loved getting out and relaxing!
So if it's between staying home without symptoms, or going out and wheezing, I choose going out because sometimes its worth it to take a risk because without risks there is not point in living and of course it is definitely true what they say, the city comes alive in the evenings
Firstly, I finally admitted that so far I HATE my program, yes I admit it, and that felt great! To finally get that off my chest, now don't get me wrong I still love the profession and I met some great people in my class, I just hate the way they teach and structure it, but I have accepted that this is another hoop to jump through and another hurdle to overcome and eventually (if I will actually survive the program) it will end!
Why was it a good day? Well I did something I almost never do, I went out! Yes I went to a Christmas Festival with some classmates from class and I really enjoyed it and I don't even celebrate Christmas! It sounds like a simple thing to do but I almost never go out downtown because I am usually really afraid of getting sick and also because of my asthma.
As I've mentioned before I have mild asthma, to the point where I can't even classify it as such because I almost never have symptoms and if I do, they're not severe. The problem is that being downtown is a big trigger for my asthma because of the constant smoking, high density and car exhaust. Of course, my friends, not knowing about my asthma and not wanting to use money for transit, decided to walk for 15 min to the shuttle bus, yeah of course walking with the cars and smokers meant that almost right away I started wheezing and gasping....yeah this is usually when a normal person would use their inhaler, but as you now realize, I'm very far from normal, and of course can't use one. I did also start using a technique called PLB (pursed lip breathing) that they taught us, that does help a little and at least takes the edge off.
Now, I have learned to observe my symptoms and as long as I can still talk and don't have chest pain, I just ignore the wheezing, but the problem is that even at the festival there were a lot of smokers, car exhaust from nearby roads and even a bonfire, so of course my lungs really didn't like it and of course the chest pain started....that's when I realize that I should probably go home, before something worse happens. Of course as soon as I left, all the symptoms stopped.
So the real question is should I let asthma control what I do and where I go? I mean, I could just avoid downtown all together, and then wouldn't have any symptoms right?
The funny thing, is that without realizing it, that's what I've been doing for the past 4 years, being afraid of getting out for fear of triggering a cold or asthma, but I've been miserable. I mean today, even with the weather being cold (-2C) and not wearing proper footwear, and being on a bus that decided to take a longer route than walking (yes it's possible) and even wheezing and gasping, I loved getting out and relaxing!
So if it's between staying home without symptoms, or going out and wheezing, I choose going out because sometimes its worth it to take a risk because without risks there is not point in living and of course it is definitely true what they say, the city comes alive in the evenings
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