Having 2 brains

The concept of 2 brains or even 3 brains is the only way I can describe my mental state at the moment. Although it is an improvement from where my brain was going in circles like a hamster in a wheel, not stopping to think about anything even for a second, and always looking at the million of things I still need to do.

I have now learned to slow down my crazy repetitive non-productive spinning thinking process, and have even started monitoring myself, and can see when I start going into that state. My bf, is a lot better at it and more perceptive, and can feel the second I start to become anxious, and start that crazy cycle. It actually makes me sometimes very annoyed, because at that moment, I’m not that far into it, to really notice, it takes me a much longer time to realize, and I just become mad that he is criticizing me, which isn’t really true.

                               

So back to the 2 brain concept, so the other day, I was at work, and I am bored quite a bit at work, especially some days with a lot of repetitive clients who have been coming for months and would like the same treatment/massage, they always get, to maintain their function. So I replied to a text from my bf, and he didn’t reply back….so then right away, my one brain started thinking ‘I’m not good enough, he’s not responding because I’m boring or pretty enough, I must have said something wrong, last night I had a panic attack in a stairwell and he must think I’m crazy and too much to deal with, he must want to have a talk and break up….so on and on. Now before those thoughts would have just kept going until I found the next topic to obsess over. This time, my other brain, started fighting back and saying wait a second…this is my crazy anxiety state….he has already told me he wants to be with me, that I’m worth the wait, that he can handle my anxiety, that he finds me desirable, that he’s interested in settling down with 1 girl….maybe he’s just busy and doesn’t have time to reply to my texts, he did say there has been a lot of work lately. So the hilarious part was while I was treating my clients, I felt like I had 2 of those little heads sitting my shoulder, mini-anxie, and mini-logi, that kept arguing with each other! I still felt like anxiety was winning, but the logical side was at least trying to keep it at bay and keep me from going into a complete panic mode!

In the evening he messaged, and the logical side won, and at least temporarily shut the anxiety side down. It’s not ideal but at least, I was aware of the anxiety state now, and a part of my brain realized it was irrational. I don’t know if I’ll ever truly be able to lose that side of me, that starts going in circles and not know how to stop without the help of alcohol, which is ridiculous, but I am starting to make some progress, which considering that it has been my thinking process for the past 6 years is a big accomplishment!

It was an interesting week, because it was quite busy work-wise, plus I had a couple of interviews, at places I was thinking about working at..which went quite well, I mean I was even told I have good manual skills by a manual therapist which completely shocked me! I’m just still unsure whether I actually want to work there as it is more part-time opportunities and more evenings, and it’ll take another  couple of weeks to find out if  I get it or not, which sort of disappointed me. Of course, on Wednesday, after another long day, at which time I finished at 8.15pm, my bf, suggested we meet dt for a coffee or beer. I tried to explain that I sort of have an interview the next morning and I have to prepare for it and I’m quite tired already, but somehow his sad voice convinced me to trudge 15 minutes down to meet him. The funny thing was on the way, I felt like I met a ghost (my previous preceptor) who mentioned she started her own clinic and is looking for a therapist! I was utterly speechless, and of course we talked and left on a good note, so definitely a welcome surprise!

So after that meeting, I was a big hyper and my sympathetic system was already a little overwhelmed with everything, so I thought I should go meet him! I mean look how good the day is going! Of course it was about to crash…hard.

So we meet up and decide to go exploring a university building that actually was full of students studying, but we wanted to find a quiet place to rest and talk, and we ended up going down to the basement…well as soon as we were there…I felt it was a bad idea…and sort of mentioned that we should go back up…but of course, he wanted to explore more….so I followed….but then I just changed my mind….and sort of started internally freaking out….’what if we get stuck, what if we can’t leave, we can get caught for trespassing, what if there is a person with a knife in the stairwell and we end up in a dark alley in the middle of nowhere’…..so I ended up running up the stairs and into the next level, leaving my poor bf, confused and running up after me. I could not calm down until we finally were outside the building, and even then I was still hyperventilating. It was definitely a panic attack, I just didn’t realize at the time.

I think that episode sort of scared him, because he hasn’t seem me in that state, and then on the way back home, we started trying to figure that out, and even though to me it’s something that used to happen all the time while I was in school, to him, it was another signal that my anxiety had officially taken over. Then he got mad and basically asked how the heck, I managed to get to that point. The funny thing is that I never really thought about it that way. I have gotten so used to feeling like that, to not having much sleep, being overworked, taking on other people’s problems, becoming overwhelmed, that it truly woke me up that someone was that bothered by it. That someone cared enough to be bothered by it. It made me reflect, that maybe what I’m used to, is not what I should be aiming to continue. Maybe I should try to have a better balance, and that the status quo is something I should not accept and start changing.

After that, I of course ended up getting sick, and somehow ended up surviving a whole weekend away at a course with a hotel room….on some of those days, it was actually comical because I was falling asleep in lecture, and felt completely terrible for getting any of my classmates sick, but I had no choice because there is no option to make up the time. On one of those days, we talked a bit and started discussing non-negotiables and needs in a relationship. I find my bf really interesting, because I find the strangest things that irritate him about me. Now granted, most people will think I’m nuts and as he says, some of the most basic principles that every person takes for granted. These things include: hygiene (yes, I’m continuing to work on it) including being clean before going out or having sex, shaving, brushing teeth, being feminine and dressing up when going out, taking care of myself (proper diet and exercise), attraction and of course sex and intimacy (which I know to guys is quite important because sex is how they express their emotional closeness, and they need it to relief tension). Now what he finds crazy, is to me, this is all new and I’m trying to get used to it in a very short time period. 

I started pondering what my biggest needs are, and I realized I crave the emotional connection. I need to be accepted as who I am with feelings and emotions and not have to hide it. I need to be have trust in that person and not get hurt. I also need someone to accept that I have a busy schedule and limited energy and can’t always be available for meeting up during the week or having sex 3-4 times a week just because of time limitations. What surprised me was that I do have a need for a physical level of intimacy, which includes sex, but at the same time, I need downtime. I need a day off to relax and rejuvenate. I need someone that knows how to calm me down when I’m a bit anxious, someone that will not take it personally if I’m overwhelmed, and someone that will not judge me for my habits, and personality.

I’ve realized that a relationship is in a way a partnership and involves give and take. It also involves a lot of communication to figure out what you and your partner want and need, because your partner is not a mind reader at all, and a lot of information is lost in translation. A new relationship is a huge learning curve but hey nothing good comes without some hard work! 

An official relationship and the adventures it brings

So I quess it is official, I am in a relationship! Yes I'm still getting used to that idea and all the ramifications of it, and am starting to get into the idea of 'bf/gf' instead of just 'friend'. Some days I seriously feel like I'm at the mature age of 16 and have my first crush...it is a bit nuts!

Reading over my previous post, I think I have made major strides and accomplished a lot of what I planned to which is pretty good! I have stuck to my new diet, gained back the 3lbs that I lost with the stress and antibiotics, and thankfully my stomach has not complained so far. My work-life balance is getting there, I have started taking Friday's off, which has been a great refresher, and I have been able to at least sleep in and get some more chores done, so that I can actually enjoy the weekend. I have also gained some energy and actually played tennis twice in 1 weekend! Still have to work on daily exercise, but everything is a work in progress.

The biggest thing to conquer was my anxiety and fears...because it was impacting a lot of my life including work, family, happiness and relationship. We actually went to a peace concert, and I found it to be the most beautiful thing I've ever encountered with the most amazing singer! It truly touched my soul, and since then I think I have been able to find some peace and live more in the moment. I recognize my mood and emotions more, and have fewer times when I just blow up. It has been a welcome improvement, and I have learned to gain some distance emotionally at work and not take everything so personally, because it was really starting to take a toll and weigh me down. Now I'm able to look at it as a job, and not need that self-fulfilment and reassurance from every client as I used to need before. A good family friend told me, the trick is to view it as a professional encounter even when it doesn't work out, because working with people can be very draining, and a lot of clients are very demanding, so if I view it as a professional environment, then I know I'm doing my best, but not taking their success and failures personally.

In the relationship, I have also made major strides in terms of my anxiety, it has been a bit of a roller coaster and he can often recognize my emotions and predict my reaction even before I realize them, which is really cool! We are able to communicate a lot better, and I'm not as afraid to say what's on my mind, and try not to take his critiques and criticisms as personally, because a lot of the time, most things do make sense, I just am too lazy to do them. He has also realized what bothers me, and has taken a different approach in trying to get me to do something different and has backed off on a lot of things like clothing, hygiene, because he knows I'm trying to improve myself and its just taking some time. I have in the past weekend, actually completely cleaned my room, and was actually able to vacuum for the first time in a month and that's sort of thanks to him. He was right, when he said, a messy room reflects on a messy and incoherent mind, and my mind was truly a jumbled mess! It is also mutual, because I have made him become aware of his horrible driving habits and impatience, which he is slowly starting to improve...very slowly.

 The most important stride, is I have finally been able to achieve a good sexual relationship, where sex isn't painful, and we have actually been able to simultaneously orgasm! Now this took a while and was probably the most frustrating aspect because it took so much time, patience, practice and trust. We have actually taken it to the next level and are trying different positions and locations, which is exciting and fun! Definitely a complete turn around from when I thought I'd never be able to enjoy sex and its something that has to be endured. The funniest thing, is I got my mom, who has not had a great sex life, to become really curious about it, and who is now asking me questions! I think this is definitely where it took him a lot of patience, because he is a really sexual and intimate guy, and I wasn't and was sort of terrified about it all. To go from hyperventilating and only tolerating it for a minute, to being able to go at it for an hour, and achieving orgasm with no alcohol, and no fear in the span of 1.5 months is quite amazing. We have had our own adventures, including waking up in the hotel room after having a bit too much to drink, with sheets covered in wine and blood (remaining hymen). We have also had my mom barge into the house we are staying in while we were still naked in bed (she thankfully didn't come up)! We have also done it in the basement on rugs and a thin blanket, with no lock on the door as a spontaneous thing, and have used my parents condoms (not too thrilled about that part!).

I have a much better understanding of what a relationship and intimacy means, and have learned to take everything I read with a grain of salt, and not discount things before I've tried them, because everyone is different and you might never know what you actually like! I still have a long way to go in accepting myself and my sexuality, as well as re-developing my self-confidence. I'm still not comfortable with who I am, and therefore it is hard for me to make any long-term plans. I have avoided thinking about them, because of the amount of turbulence our initial relationship has had and I'm just not comfortable with that thought yet...but he is starting to make long-term vacation plans, and we have actually joked about how crazy it would be if we did move in together! It's not that those plans scare me or that I want something different, it's just that I don't quite know what I do want, and it will take me a while longer to figure out, before I can commit to something long-term. It's funny because I have met 7 of his friends already, and they have all liked me and mentioned that I have good energy....they also told him not to screw it up, which I found quite funny!

Let's see, in terms of my work, I've realized I'm not happy where I am, and what I truly want is to work in a larger clinic and receive some mentorship, so I finally got the courage to start applying to new positions, and not feel guilty for leaving this one. It is so far going well, and I have a 3rd interview at one clinic which I'm hoping will work out, so will keep my fingers crossed!

I can't say everything is perfect, as I'm not quite getting as much sleep as I need, and sometimes average about 6hours/night, which is far from enough. Also because I'm going out a lot, I'm finding its hard to find the time and energy to focus on my course, which is sort of important and expensive. I'm also not quite there with taking over some of the household chores, but I'm making small strides, like trying to make sure my room is at least semi-tidy and can be vaccumed regularly. I now have a lock on my door, so if I need privacy, I can actually lock it, which has been helpful on a number of occasions! We have also installed another bookshelf, to deal with the massive amounts of physio books and materials I need to somehow organize! The most interesting thing, is I have also started driving in the mornings to one of my workplaces and so far, its actually going well! No accidents, and minimal anxiety. I'm really trying to also improve my timing, and not been late for work, which is also something I'm working on.

So hope you've enjoyed the update! I really want to document my journey more, but then I really won't have any time to sleep! It's sort of funny how sending one message on a dating site can change my life and turn it completely upside down! The great thing is I'm actually enjoying the adventure!!