The frustrations of online dating

It is taking me all the energy that I have to not just quit this whole online dating thing. I can’t even begin to describe how frustrating this whole process is. Today I read about one female took it to a new level to understand what the heck the guys are looking for in a profile and then made a checklist and anyone with less than 700 points would be off the list!

http://forward.com/articles/170925/hacking-jdate-to-find-the-perfect-jewish-hubby/?p=all

After my own frustrations I can see why people go to some of these extremes. I mean I’ve made my profile very very generic, light and positive and have tried to choose the best pictures I have, and I don’t know what else I can do to attract the guys I would actually be compatible with. I’m not even talking about physical attraction, but in terms of similar interests, values and some basic physical attraction. I’ve realized that what I’m really looking for is a life-long friend that I can talk to by being myself instead of continuing to feel like I have to someone else and acquire a different personality to match theirs like I do at work.

The main problem for me, is that I’m not that interested In intimacy right off the bat, and I am a bit of a tomboy, and do not really enjoy wearing makeup, dresses and high heels, so I think that right away eliminates a huge pool of guys that would be interested. Being close to my family and having a semi-demanding job doesn’t help matters. Now don’t get me wrong I have adapted quite a bit, and now dress up for most dates, make sure to appear nice, and wear basic makeup. But I can’t completely alter who I truly am, because I’ve realized I’d be miserable in that kind of relationship and it just wouldn’t work.

The other problem is intimacy. What I would want ideally, I’ve realized after my dating escapade doesn’t exist. You can’t have everything and any relationship takes a lot of compromise. Ideally for me, would be a relationship with a really basic level of intimacy until I get comfortable and solve my anxiety issues, but for guys it doesn’t work that way. For them the physical attraction and connection is very important, and most for some reason have this variable rule of sex on the 3-5^th date, unless they’re religious. To me this hard rule doesn’t make sense, and in general makes me quite frustrated, as its an arbitrary number and should be adjusted depending on the person, but they seem to right away almost evaluate how quickly they can get you into bed, and if its gonna take too long, they give up and move on.

I’ve definitely grown after going on so many dates, and don’t take it as personally as I used to, and I do understand it is a numbers game, and the more people you go out with, the more likelihood you’ll find someone you’re compatible with, but it definitely get’s exhausting after a while. After a certain period of time, I start to wonder whether it is worth it. I’m finally at the point where I am emotionally stable, can control my moods, have a good job, and can almost enjoy life…I continue this craziness because of society’s expectation that we should all have a partner, and we should get married and have kids…where this came from I have no idea, as the earth is overpopulated anyway! Maybe Hollywood is to blame, as we have this image in our head of what a perfect relationship looks like, and even though we all know real life doesn’t work like that, and can’t have a quick wrap-up ending in 2 hours, we look at it as the ideal and strive to go for that image. I mean relationships are hard! I couldn’t believe it, but a number of people I met my age, have already been married and divorced! Or they’ve been in very long-term relationships and then something happened and they went their separate ways.

I really do wish I could say, now that I’m done school and have a job and am more or less settled that I’m happy. But it’s far from the truth. I’m not miserable and very sleep-deprived and don’t feel like a zombie anymore now that I have some control over my own schedule…I feel I’m more stable…and I’m not as afraid of everything as I was before and actually have gone out and explored a lot in the past few months including a rib-fest, orthodox wedding, many restaurants, a Caribbean festival, bowling, tennis, mini-golf, movies, zip-lining, and sailing, as well as now having the amazing chance of getting to know my nephew! For most people, these activities are nothing out of the ordinary, but for me, I’ve truly been able to conquer my anxiety regarding being in big groups, public places and meeting many many new people.

I’m feeling much more rested and relaxed, but the thing is I’m sort of restless and bored. I feel my life has become a boring routine, get up, go to work, work, come home, sleep. As anyone can understand, all jobs become routine after a while, and I feel like mine has also become routine, I can almost shut my brain down and not think about anything, and tend to repeat the same script I’ve developed for different conditions. I literally feel like a robot. Definitely better than feeling like a zombie, or constantly being sick and having asthma/panic attacks..but still far from ideal.

I have to say I really shouldn’t complain, and am very very lucky to be where I am today. We have a lot of choices and we take everything for granted. Places like Syria and Egypt where women have much fewer rights and freedom of speech as well as a full on civil war where they worry about the basic necessities of life like food and water, and having no electricity.

As frustrated as I get, I will keep trying this crazy new dating world, and at the very least, I’ll have some more great stories to share if nothing else! 

Dating Experiment and an Incompatible Sex Drive

Wow, my dating experiment has definitely been quite exhausting but at the same time unique, educational and eye-opening. I’ve been on 12 first dates and 20 total dates in 2 months, I wanted to reach 20 in 3 months, but will fall a bit short. Before you think I have completely lost it, and was another crazy person, I have gone out on these dates to see if I could meet some people and maybe find someone I like and start a more serious relationship. I am not a serial dater, and do not give anyone the wrong idea, I am completely honest from the start that I want to be friends first, and would only be willing to go further after a couple of dates, so to not lead anyone on, because based on my own past experiences its important for me to be honest.

Now back to my experiment. I had a couple of sources including set-ups from friends, matchmakers, as well as 2 different online dating websites (1 paid, 1 free). For 9 out of the 12 guys, the initial meeting didn’t progress into anything more than a coffee/dinner date, and it was either mutual, or I felt we had absolutely nothing in common and would not work. I learned a lot of different interesting things that I never really knew about including the fact that there are a lot of people buying one-way tickets to Mars, and some people believe that in the next 100 years (if we don’t self-destruct), there will be a human colony living underground on Mars and there will be a tourist elevator that will take future space travellors to discover the wonderful air-free planet that Mars is in only a day of travel. Hey, what do I know, I mean I still envision flying cars and skateboards.

I’ve also learned that some people can easily spend 5K on a watch and not even think about it, as well as change jobs from a chef to an insurance salesperson, or from a stock-broker to helping create an event planning site, or accounting to acting. I actually started thinking, hmm..I should try acting, it can’t be that hard, I mean I do it every day anyway!

The more interesting parts of my experiment were of course with people I figured I could stand for more than 1 date and see if anything could come out of it. There were 3 of those, and 2 are still ongoing, but the 1 was the most unique. This was a guy who had recently (3 years ago) came to Canada, and let’s say there are different cultural variations on dating which was sort of a revelation for me! In Eastern Europe, the culture varies quite a bit, the guys are a bit more on the aggressive side, and although they are willing to pay for everything (to the point of getting insulted if you even offer), bring flowers, open doors, act very gentleman like, and are not afraid of a commitment, there are some catches that I quickly realized.

 First off they are quite pushy and are used to getting what they want, they want to control everything, they want a commitment from you right from the start and want to go out very frequently (every other day!). This is where it got crazy. The guy was calling (not texting) every day, even when I warned him that I work late and my phone doesn’t always work. He kept calling, leaving messages and getting annoyed that I don’t answer!! When I tried to explain that I don’t have good reception at one of the places I work at, and work long-hours, he said I should find a break and call him then! I mean it is unacceptable for him not to be able to reach me! Let me explain that this was after the 2^nd date and we were only going out for 3 days! Next, even knowing that I have a busy work schedule didn’t phase him, I mean I could always come and go out after work right? Trying to explain that I work 10hour days, and all I want to do in the end is sleep, apparently didn’t work, I mean I should of course, work more reasonable hours and he should be my number 1 priority! Not to mention that he was on at home call for sometimes as long as a week, and his solution would be that I should come over to his place to hang out, in between him getting work calls!

Now this would all be tolerable, if it wasn’t for the fact that we have completely incompatible sex drives! I didn’t realize this is a critical factor until this mini relationship. Let me explain, I have very low desire in general, and am still a virgin, and it took me a while to even get used to hugs, let alone being intimate which I’m still getting used to. This guy, was sleeping with people from 15, and felt I was a very strange person! I mean how is it possible not to want to have sex! His solution would be to go for a vacation somewhere and show me what I’ve been missing all these years....which would be fine for some people, but that did not get me in the mood at all. All I could think about was getting some sort of STD and lots of pain. I think the biggest problem was that he wanted to do it right away and as many times a day as possible, which is very normal for most people, but for me I found very aggressive and my body resisted everything because he was not gentle at all.

After a week I realized it’s really not going to work, and he was driving me crazy, and I tried to explain that I wanted to take it much much slower, and was not interested in anything serious at the moment, which really surprised him, and he mentioned that its either a relationship or nothing, no friends option! Apparently this is standard? As they find it too confusing? Which is fine, I said it wasn’t going to work, and we should go our separate ways, but yet this took a whole hour on the phone!

Now of course, with the recent 2 that I’m still in touch with, it is the complete opposite! One is out of the city, and we email once every 3 days and meet up 2X/month. The other one is similar except he lives in the city! I can’t say I feel the magical ‘spark’ with anyone, so at this point, I’ve stopped looking for it, and have lowered my expectations quite a bit. All I’m looking for, is a normal relationship, where I won’t be pressured into doing things I’m not comfortable with, and where we’re good friends, can enjoy each other’s company and can do activities that we both enjoy around the city, I mean is that too much to ask?

I’ve actually gone so far, as to see a therapist to see if there’s something truly wrong with me and my desire, and her reply, was that everyone is different, and that some experiences shape who you are and people value different things. Her best advice was to find someone patient, that is willing to take the time to get to know me, and explore instead of rushing into something, because that will not help me at all.

Through all this, I realized, that I just have to keep trying to find someone and not settle with the first guy that is interested. I am different, I do have my own baggage, and issues I’m trying to resolve, but that just means I’m different, and if a guy is not willing to offer me respect and patience, then he’s not worth it. All I know for sure, is this dating thing Is not easy.