Revaluating my life and Growing Up

 It’s funny how different I feel today than I did 2 weeks ago. I never realized how much my perspective can change just due to a couple of dates with a very insightful guy. I feel more awake, and more like the person I was before I become very very cynical about life and started repressing all emotions that ever existed because they were too painful.

I have a course this weekend, and instead of doing what I usually do, which is commuting for 2 hours each way as this course is in another city, I decided to rent a hotel room and make it a mini well-deserved vacation! It’s actually been really helpful in having some peace and quiet to really think about things and figure things out about the issues in my life, and where I want to go from here, as well as what I really want, which I’m still not completely sure about.

So this guy whom I will call Freud for a reason, has challenged my whole perception of my life and made me realize I’m a mess and my brain is a mess. I have ignored so many health issues for so long that I have started taking them for granted and thinking its all normal, which is ridiculous. I mean having constant stomach upsets, no appetite and not being able to eat anything for 2 months other than a diet of baked potatoes, chicken, and toast is ridiculous. Having to eat 20 chocolates a day to stay awake is also crazy. Working 50-60hours/week and commuting is unsustainable and will lead to burnout. Being anxious to the point of having anxiety attacks and not being able to communicate is also far from normal. Being so exhausted that I was falling asleep all the time, because of only getting 6 hours of sleep is just not healthy.

The crazy thing, is I advise my clients all the time about changing their lifestyle and making sure they take their health seriously. I harp on them to de-stress, to do their exercises, and to make sure to come in right when they are injured instead of a year later, I always tell them to exercise, keep fit, sleep well, lose weight, to really take care of their body because they only have the one, and not taking care of it will be problematic later on. Now here I am, completely ignoring my own advise! I mean, not only do I not exercise, I work ridiculous hours, don’t sleep enough, overwork myself, and have horrible eating habits and major digestive issues. I am also stressed to the max, very anxious, and was wondering why I was getting frustrated at the smallest thing, and was getting annoyed listening to my clients very real concerns. All I could think about was how I really wanted to get home and go to bed.

He made me realize how ridiculous my life was, and how I’m slowly running my self to the ground. I mean I need to live in my body for the next 40 years, how can I expect it to run properly if I don’t take care of it? So, I did start to clean up my life, starting with my diet, and looking at it, I realized I eat very few vegetables and get few nutrients from potatoes, so I added eating 3 full salads a day, cut out the chocolates, added vitamin B12 to get my appetite back, and stopped eating baked potatoes. I still have to add pro-biotics, vitamin D, yogurt and most likely see a dietician to determine what else I am missing in my diet. But those steps alone, made me stop falling asleep all the time at work, and have reduced the stomach upsets, although they still occur once in a while after eating out in restaurants. I mean when I really think about the fact that I was skipping lunch, and thinking it was ok to eat lunch at 5pm, I wonder how I didn’t completely collapse from exhaustion!

After diet, came my work, I mean I have realized I work, way too many hours, and I can’t keep this up if I truly want a balanced lifestyle. So I have started blocking my schedule, and will transition to taking Friday’s off, as well as only working a half-day on Saturday, so that will hopefully reduce my hours to a more regular 40hour work week, and will give me more time off. I mean it’s one thing to work 50-60hours, but its another to try to work + take courses + try to date and exercise + keep up with cooking and cleaning. At first I was addicted to the paycheck and seeing my balance going up every month, but after a while I didn’t care anymore, I was so exhausted and worn out, I felt it was a chore to actually go and put the check in the bank. I was getting more and more fatigued and impatient, and not a very pleasant person to be around. What’s the point of money if you have no energy to enjoy it? What’s the point if you’re gonna burn out in a year and not want to work anymore at all?

Now, the diet and work is actually fairly easy to fix, my emotional and anxiety issues are a lot more complicated and I’ve been ignoring them for so long, that it will take me a while to deal with everything. I mean I didn’t even realize I was that anxious and sensitive until I started hyperventilating during sex…I mean that tells me something. Yes, I was nervous, but apparently that’s actually not that common.

So I’ve started by just identifying when I am anxious, what triggers it, what emotions I’m feeling, and then instead of blocking my emotions and getting more and more anxious, I’ve learned to accept them and let them go. If I’m feeling unsure, insecure, incompetent at work, I realized that’s okay and that everyone feels this, and I don’t need to try to suppress it. I think the main issue, was that I had horrible placements at school, and many of my ‘teachers’ instead of actually ‘teaching me skills’ just criticized me. They constantly told me that I’m not strong enough, smart enough, althletic enough, confident enough, can’t multi-task, get distracted, poor memory..etc…and I internalized all those ideas even if it was just a few people’s opinions and it was during a time of great stress.

It took another person, to make me realize that they should not have done that, and weren’t doing any teaching whatsoever. I mean it’s been a year since I finished the program and those thoughts were still playing over and over in my head. I’ve treated countless number of clients, have been told how much they appreciate my expertise and a person that actually listens to their concerns and takes their problems seriously, and have fairly good outcomes, yet I still hear their voice in my head, telling me that I’m not good enough. I mean how can I become competent, if I don’t even believe that I’m good enough myself? So, I’ve learned to accept that their ideas telling me I’m not good enough, or not competent enough will always be there, but I can choose to ignore them now and let them go, because otherwise I won’t be able to move on, and become confident in my own ideas as a therapist. I will always have the fear that I’m not providing the best service and someone else can do a better job, and initially when I started, all I wanted to do was refer everyone to a different more knowledgeable therapist, but I realize now that they don’t necessarily do a better job. They don’t have 100% success rate either, and every person and therapist has different skills, and different treatment styles. There is a lot of disagreement, but different doesn’t necessarily mean bad, it just means different, and different people respond to different therapies, so my style is not necessarily less effective than theirs.

The next step, that I’m also working on, and will take a while is to start to separate my life from my parent’s lives and to start taking responsibility for my own actions. That means not blaming my problems on them and learning to move on from there. It also means accepting that I didn’t have the easiest childhood, but that doesn’t mean that it has to define who I am today. No immigrant’s childhood is perfect, and I should consider myself lucky in general. Yes my parents were/are overprotective, very anxious about every little thing, and worried about me, but I know that is their way of really loving me, and protecting me. I mean, I was sick a lot when I was younger, and my immunity was not the greatest, so I can see why they are nervous, but at the same time, I’m not a kid anymore. I’m an adult, with a successful career, and I need to create some boundaries with respect to going out, and them texting me non-stop, it does get ridiculous after a while. I also have to take more responsibility and not letting them do everything for me like I’m used to. I need to start doing my own laundry, cleaning, waking up on my own, going to bed at a regular time, making my own food and buying my own supplies. It also means, paying rent regularly. If I want to be taken seriously as an adult, I have to actually start acting like one, and stop acting like a kid that needs to be taken care of. It’s a lot of change, but the sooner I start, the better, because otherwise, I’ll be stuck in the rut forever.

I can definitely see why people move out, because as much as I love my parents, I have to develop my own identity. I can’t keep trying to match their expectations, because it’s not who I am. They’re anxiety is causing my anxiety to spike, and that is very very unhealthy. I realized that one of the reasons why I can’t seem to move on from my past experiences is because my mom keeps reminding me of them. We talk about them to death, when sometimes the best thing we can do, is just leave them in the past and move on. We can’t keep living a life in the past, there is the whole future to consider! I do owe them a lot, and I wouldn’t be where I am, without they’re support and encouragement, and even some of the protection they gave me, but I have to take steps to move on slowly forward and set some emotional boundaries.

The biggest thing that I need to do is to accept my career choice and stop running. In the back of my head, I continue to think about med, and this is significant this year, because my MCAT actually expires (not that its any good) and if I wanted to reapply I’d need to retake it. Now even if I apply this year, it would only be to one school, and my shot of getting in is very very low. I actually only thought about applying to get it over with, so that I don’t get in, and then can say that I actually applied and be able to move on with my life. This is actually a ridiculous thought process, because I’m applying not because I want to get in, but because I need to not get in? A friend made me realize, my approach is not exactly correct, and I have to actually want to go, before I apply, and after thinking about it, as much as I complain about my job, I do actually like it. To spend another 6 years studying and working 60hour weeks, and go 100K into debt, does not sound that appealing anymore. Plus I honestly don’t know if I’d even survive it, because my health is already a mess, and I don’t deal with stress very well, that much I realized, so it will probably make me miserable, more fatigued, and more sick.

My friend is currently in dental school, and it was her dream to become a dentist for the longest time, but the last time I talked to her, she actually mentioned she regretted her decision to go. I couldn’t believe it, but the fact is, she is in the US, without her family, going 450K into debt, is exhausted and not doing very well in her classes. She said, if she was warned about how hard it would be, she would find something else to do. It made me realize that I need to accept the decision I made 4 years ago, to not pursue medical school, and go into PT, and not look back and not try to change it. The master’s program alone, has taken away a lot of my sanity already, and I am still not quite where I need be mentally. To spend another 6 years of my life, slaving away over books and hospitals, might actually kill me.

I have a fairly good career, I enjoy my job, and I’m only a year into it and making 70K, what else do I really want? There is a lot of opportunity whether I want to go to different clinics, or whether I want to open up my own clinic, the possibilities are endless. My 50-60hour work weeks, made me realize that money isn’t everything. If I’m exhausted and miserable, the money does not make me happier. More money also doesn’t necessarily solve all of my problems, especially if I hate the job. I’m in general an emotional person, and don’t even enjoy dealing with very sick patients, so to do that every day, will make me quite miserable, and emotionally I would probably shut down again, which will not serve my patient’s best interests. I know enough burned out docs, and I don’t want to be another one.

Now the last thing in my life that I need to figure out is whether I want/can handle an actual relationship. I think this is probably the hardest thing for me because it is not as easy to decide and figure out as all my other life changes because it’s not just me that’s involved. Emotionally it is very difficult for me to get involved, because I’m terrified of being vulnerable, letting go, and getting hurt. I’m so used to guarding my true feelings, and I realized in a real relationship, you can’t do that. You have to learn to let go, take risks, see where they go, and be able to accept the fact that it might not work out. The feelings are so powerful that they tend to overwhelm me, and makes me very difficult to function normally. At the same time, I long for that type of deep relationship that I’ve never been able to find, for that deep intimacy, and for the companionship and emotional connection that comes with a true relationship.

Losing my Virginity at 25

So I have to be honest, and feel a bit overwhelmed and reluctant to write this post, and understand that a lot of people will be like ‘how the heck can anyone still be a virgin at 25! There must be something wrong with this person’. So let me start off with the fact, that I’m glad to actually shed this title and feel like an actual mature adult that is not psychologically flawed. Which I did feel like for a looong time.

So let me start off with why I was still a virgin after all this time and why I didn’t just ‘get it over with’ in high school/college. First off I was a late bloomer, didn’t feel pretty, or attractive, and didn’t date anyone in high school because I was too focused on surviving and trying to fit in. Then in University, my number one goal was doing well, and getting great marks, so I focused on school, and didn’t really talk to anyone, let alone actually have time to date. Then I got into my Master’s, and at this point I actually tried to date, but it went nowhere, because I was exhausted mentally and physically and couldn’t put any effort into a relationship. So fast tract to this summer, being the 25yo, where I thought…hmm…I should probably at least attempt to date and see where it goes. Now the good thing is I did start to explore and went to 3^rd base with 2 guys, but didn’t go all the way because I didn’t quite trust them or was emotionally and physically attracted to them. One of them was a really good friend of mine from High school.

So fast forward to today, because of course everyone is dying to hear what happened! So this was our 5^th date, and I would have to say even though I’m exhausted, it was a lot better than I thought it would go, and I even achieved an orgasm for the first time in my life! Now it was a magical day, and we initially went to a park and made out on a bridge overlooking the water, then we walked around and talked quite a bit. Had a good lunch and of course a drink, which probably helped a bit. Then we got coffee, a bit of a mistake on my end, but hey everyone makes mistakes. After all this, we talked about what being in a relationship means, and what we are both looking for in it, and it definitely helped clear up a couple of things. He does have a past where he has had a lot of sexual partners, and a few relationships that did not work well, so he definitely knows what he doesn’t want, which is someone that is critical, and that he can’t be himself around, so that helped me a bit. He also explained how his journey 10 month journey around the world, helped clarify a couple of things, including the fact that he wants something more stable and is ready to settle down, because he has had enough of the quantity and is looking for quality. He also admitted that he has been selfish in his previous relationships, and has been working on improving his own confidence issues, as well as find a partner where he can guide that relationship, and not be forced along, but at the same time, not have to pull the weight. Basically the whole idea is to improve each other and not get in the way of our own personal growth.

So, we went back to his place, and it was a bit of a mental struggle initially, because I kept thinking, should I wait? Is a 5^th date too soon? Do I trust him enough? Will it be very painful?

The funny thing that I realized, that I was reading about it so much, and had so many varied opinions that it was clouding my judgement and it was just causing a lot of unneeded anxiety. He is very very gently, and before anything he did a lot of foreplay including oral, then made sure he could go in with one finger and then with 2, and only then did he actually go in himself. I felt lots of pressure, but not necessarily pain, and he continued with the foreplay while going in which was helpful. Now I was very far from being relaxed, but was able to tolerate him going in half way, and then actually had a 20 minute orgasm! It was the most bizarre experience I’ve ever felt. It was this rush of tingling and vibrating that was going through my whole body, from below right to the arms and legs. It felt like a release that needed to come out, and really felt like an out of body experience as I had no control over my muscles or body anymore! It took a long time for me to settle down from that, and couldn’t quite comprehend everything.

Then we did it a second time, and this time, was a bit more problematic. He went all the way in, and tried thrusting very slowly, which my body was not ready for, and reacted not very well. I started panicking, my muscles started tightening, and I actually started hyperventilating and shaking…and took me a while to settle down a bit. I think I scared him a bit, and of course after a couple of minutes I was okay and only a bit shaken up. I realized it was most likely the coffee that made me so jittery, and add in the excitement is a recipe for disaster with my anxiety levels. The strange thing was that there was very minimal pain, and almost no blood, as he fingered me beforehand, and I trusted him and was actually almost able to relax, which I realized is key.

I’m still not quite sure how I feel about it. I’m glad I did it with him, because I fully trusted him, and he did make it a lot less painful and enjoyable that I thought it would be. It is almost a relief, to say I’m no longer a virgin, but at the same time, I don’t really feel any different… for whatever reason, I thought there would be this magical awakening, and I would have this huge epiphany or emotional breakthrough, but I’ve realized it doesn’t work that way. I’m still me, just not a virgin anymore, and am not defined by it. I quess I always had this image of waiting until marriage, or waiting until I was in a long term relationship for a long time and making sure to have the right guy to do it with, but the longer I waited, the more I read and the more anxiety and false theories I developed around sex, and a lot of them really aren’t true and are different for every person.

The most important advice I can share from my own experience, is its okay to wait, there is nothing wrong with it. Make sure your first time is with someone you trust completely, because if you don’t trust them, you can’t relax and it will be painful. Arousal is key, both for lubrication, as well as relaxation. It might take 20 minutes of foreplay to really feel comfortable before attempting anything. Some alcohol can help at least reduce some of the inhibitions, and promote some relaxation, but you don’t need an excessive amount. Fingering definitely helps stretch the muscle and reduce the amount of pain after during the initial phase. Being slow and gentle is the key, and don’t try to force it on the first go, because that will create a sense of distrust, discomfort and will take a long time to rebuild it. It’s okay to thrust later on after you get comfortable. It can be emotionally overwhelming and can take time to settle down, which is also okay, and asking for some space for a couple of days after is completely reasonable. 

After all that I have no idea what to feel anymore, and I think it will take me a couple of days to process and accept this new part of me, but I realized that, that’s okay. Everybody responds differently, and I do feel like I have finally conquered this obstacle that was causing me a lot of anxiety and mental anguish.