So here I was thinking that I was making progress and feeling confident in my new internship when boom come the evals....yeah confidence dropped about 10 below zero and anger escalated 10 above zero.....came home partially drowned the pain and anger with some nice wine and tv shows....never believed in alcohol but sometimes in moderate and controlled doses it can blunt things a bit and stop your brain from spinning and after a while makes things a bit clearer..that is if it doesn't give you a headache..
Yeah not doing too well would be an understatement, the biggest shock for me was that it was totally unexpected and I actually thought I was doing a lot better, I mean I'm not nervous when talking with patients, I can comfortably talk and even joke sometimes, and my clinical skills are getting there, I mean I've only been there for a few weeks am I really going to have all their clinical skills and reasoning that they have when they've worked for years?
Well I've realized that my biggest problem is confidence and the instructors sense that, the best advice I've got in my other placement was fake it until you make it, and I therefore have to pretend to be confident in my assessment and analysis skills even though I'm not and that's probably my biggest issue......the other thing is I ask too many questions and that's frustrating since I want to clarify everything but the reality is to learn eventually I have to go on my own and I'll have no one to clarify with so I have to start formulating my own judgements and trusting them because otherwise I will not be able to move forward.
So I quess I have to keep fighting and try harder since the fight never stops and if you let your guard down for even a second you lose the fight....and I've definitely been too relaxed.
I was really mad at first since I think I am progressing quite fast, and it has taken a lot for me to learn how to talk to patients, nurses, docs without getting nervous, learning to function in a fast-paced environment which has always been difficult for me since there are a lot of distractions and its hard to concentrate but I have realized that its not enough and I have to go beyond that and keep pushing my boundaries since its never enough...
The thing I learned is to learn to let go of the anger, and to stop the endless complaining at some point and figure out how I can improve, since being angry and blaming others and myself doesn't really make me feel much better and doesn't really fix the problem, but doing something or distracting myself does in a way help me deal with the problem. So I am not as angry anymore and I will critically think about how I can improve and survive yet another placement....since it's about surviving.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Not enough time to do it all
So it's been a fairly exhausting couple of days and hopefully will settle down soon, for some reason weekends in my family are always crazy busy, since we try to complete all our errands in 2 days....
Let's see yesterday (sat) we managed to visit 3 different hardware stores trying to find suitable materials for our renovation (partly successful), sewed up clothes for my grandfather, organized flyers for the neighbourhood group,and went to my parent's friends place for a small party, all the while managing my grandmother's angina symptoms (no problem now). Today we delivered those neighbourhood flyers, played tennis, and I helped a friend prepare for her exam all the while trying desperately to remember something I learned 2 weeks ago (my short memory is very very short).
For some reason I thought when I wouldn't study I would have loads of time to do loads of things for myself.....hmmm....not working out very well......
I don't mind being busy and some of the above projects like the renovation and flyers will be finished soon, but of course other things always come up and being pulled in 10 different directions is often quite difficult. My friends want to hang out, my parents want to clean/organize/renovate/play tennis, my cat wants to play, while my grandparents want quality time with me, and of course I can add dealing with an ant infestation in my room due to the lack of cleanliness....in addition I need to start reviewing the next unit before it starts so I am have some sort of knowledge base for the next unit....How can I choose?
What is more important? Family? Friends? School? Pets? It's the never ending question of life balance that never get's solved, since at the end of the day, I often don't remember what I did and I am extremely drained and feel like I'm surviving one day and moving to the next yet not really living.....
I have learned to let a lot of things go already due to time constraints but am not sure what else to do...Our house is rarely cleaned and right now looks like a complete mess....I don't go clothes shopping even though I badly need to due to sheer exhaustion, lack of time and danger of driving to malls with insane drivers on the weekends. I rarely go out with my friends due to a) the fear of getting sick which will derail above schedule and b) the logistical nightmare it often entails and the danger of driving.
I want to be able to enjoy life but what often happens is we go from one emergency to the next....and my downtime is spent browsing the news and facebook without being productive. I think I need to start setting a schedule for priorities that need to be completed everyday and then I won't feel so overwhelmed and feel like I completed nothing....and at least try to do some tasks on the weekdays so that there is at least some free time on weekends to do the things I want to do...should start on the now right?
Hope everybody had a good weekend!
Let's see yesterday (sat) we managed to visit 3 different hardware stores trying to find suitable materials for our renovation (partly successful), sewed up clothes for my grandfather, organized flyers for the neighbourhood group,and went to my parent's friends place for a small party, all the while managing my grandmother's angina symptoms (no problem now). Today we delivered those neighbourhood flyers, played tennis, and I helped a friend prepare for her exam all the while trying desperately to remember something I learned 2 weeks ago (my short memory is very very short).
For some reason I thought when I wouldn't study I would have loads of time to do loads of things for myself.....hmmm....not working out very well......
I don't mind being busy and some of the above projects like the renovation and flyers will be finished soon, but of course other things always come up and being pulled in 10 different directions is often quite difficult. My friends want to hang out, my parents want to clean/organize/renovate/play tennis, my cat wants to play, while my grandparents want quality time with me, and of course I can add dealing with an ant infestation in my room due to the lack of cleanliness....in addition I need to start reviewing the next unit before it starts so I am have some sort of knowledge base for the next unit....How can I choose?
What is more important? Family? Friends? School? Pets? It's the never ending question of life balance that never get's solved, since at the end of the day, I often don't remember what I did and I am extremely drained and feel like I'm surviving one day and moving to the next yet not really living.....
I have learned to let a lot of things go already due to time constraints but am not sure what else to do...Our house is rarely cleaned and right now looks like a complete mess....I don't go clothes shopping even though I badly need to due to sheer exhaustion, lack of time and danger of driving to malls with insane drivers on the weekends. I rarely go out with my friends due to a) the fear of getting sick which will derail above schedule and b) the logistical nightmare it often entails and the danger of driving.
I want to be able to enjoy life but what often happens is we go from one emergency to the next....and my downtime is spent browsing the news and facebook without being productive. I think I need to start setting a schedule for priorities that need to be completed everyday and then I won't feel so overwhelmed and feel like I completed nothing....and at least try to do some tasks on the weekdays so that there is at least some free time on weekends to do the things I want to do...should start on the now right?
Hope everybody had a good weekend!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Gaining Confidence and professionalism
The hardest thing that I've faced in the PT program has not been the huge amount of info or schoolwork, but it has been to gain enough confidence to be able to comfortably talk to patients and how to be professional.
It's interesting how much of a difference the instructor makes. In my last placement, I felt totally overwhelmed, and was continuously criticized for things like how I dressed and how my hair looked (note it was -10 and february, so I definitely had bad hair days...)and how bad my charting was. This constant criticism did nothing for my confidence, I felt I knew nothing, was incompetent and this definitely affected the way I interacted with clients. I often stuttered, was incomprehendable, and the clients sensed that I was not confident, and therefore did not believe or trust me. Part of the problem was that the setting was above my knowledge base since we did not cover the unit yet, but the instructor did not make it easy.
This placement has been much better, even though it has been intense, the instructors do not criticize me, but actually support my learning and allow me to make small mistakes without it being a big deal. The biggest thing I've gained is confidence. I no longer have a high-pitched voice, no longer stutter, and patients are actually confident about the information I give them and even though I don't know a lot, I feel I'm actually starting to see patterns, and am doing things without getting prompted from the instructors. That's not to say, there are not things I'm frustrated with, the fact that I have 2 instructors, means I have to remember 2 different charting methods which is difficult. In addition, being on 4 different units is challenging since each unit is different in structure and pt population and having to flip that switch in my brain is sometimes difficult and exhausting but I'm fortunate to see so many different units.
What is professionalism? Well I've learned it refers to different patterns of behaviour in different settings. In my role as PT in an acute care hospital, I have to remember my own scope, time limitations, pt load, pt needs, as well as the role of others and balance all those expectations as best I can. even if I don't agree with something the care the pt is receiving or if the operation was even indicated, it is not my role to address those things, if I do it can create a very hostile working atmosphere and I still would not be able to change anything. How do I determine if a surgery complication was due to negligent error by the surgeon or a normal complication that can occur? I can't and even if I could would this help the person having to deal with this complication? probably not. Unfortunately, complications are part of the risk of surgery and they increase as a person's age increases.
Another thing I have to do is balance different needs of different patients and which ones are worth standing up for, this is probably a surprise to some but unfortunately with limited resources you can't fight for every patient since then you'll never win. Trying to fight with the doc that a pt is not ready to be discharge is difficult, so you have to choose your fights carefully. Also with limited time, you have to prioritize who get's to be seen and who doesn't need to be. In a perfect world, all pt would be able to have a long PT session but unfortunately then we'd have to work 24 hours a day. Finally being professional means leaving your problems, thoughts and feelings at the door and putting on a different hat and this is true for many different working environments since the pt and you should only focus on their own recovery, they don't need to hear problems in your life or what you think of their decisions, they want to get better and the best that you can do is educate them about how to make better future decisions but ultimately it's their life and it's up to them what they decide to do.
It's interesting how much of a difference the instructor makes. In my last placement, I felt totally overwhelmed, and was continuously criticized for things like how I dressed and how my hair looked (note it was -10 and february, so I definitely had bad hair days...)and how bad my charting was. This constant criticism did nothing for my confidence, I felt I knew nothing, was incompetent and this definitely affected the way I interacted with clients. I often stuttered, was incomprehendable, and the clients sensed that I was not confident, and therefore did not believe or trust me. Part of the problem was that the setting was above my knowledge base since we did not cover the unit yet, but the instructor did not make it easy.
This placement has been much better, even though it has been intense, the instructors do not criticize me, but actually support my learning and allow me to make small mistakes without it being a big deal. The biggest thing I've gained is confidence. I no longer have a high-pitched voice, no longer stutter, and patients are actually confident about the information I give them and even though I don't know a lot, I feel I'm actually starting to see patterns, and am doing things without getting prompted from the instructors. That's not to say, there are not things I'm frustrated with, the fact that I have 2 instructors, means I have to remember 2 different charting methods which is difficult. In addition, being on 4 different units is challenging since each unit is different in structure and pt population and having to flip that switch in my brain is sometimes difficult and exhausting but I'm fortunate to see so many different units.
What is professionalism? Well I've learned it refers to different patterns of behaviour in different settings. In my role as PT in an acute care hospital, I have to remember my own scope, time limitations, pt load, pt needs, as well as the role of others and balance all those expectations as best I can. even if I don't agree with something the care the pt is receiving or if the operation was even indicated, it is not my role to address those things, if I do it can create a very hostile working atmosphere and I still would not be able to change anything. How do I determine if a surgery complication was due to negligent error by the surgeon or a normal complication that can occur? I can't and even if I could would this help the person having to deal with this complication? probably not. Unfortunately, complications are part of the risk of surgery and they increase as a person's age increases.
Another thing I have to do is balance different needs of different patients and which ones are worth standing up for, this is probably a surprise to some but unfortunately with limited resources you can't fight for every patient since then you'll never win. Trying to fight with the doc that a pt is not ready to be discharge is difficult, so you have to choose your fights carefully. Also with limited time, you have to prioritize who get's to be seen and who doesn't need to be. In a perfect world, all pt would be able to have a long PT session but unfortunately then we'd have to work 24 hours a day. Finally being professional means leaving your problems, thoughts and feelings at the door and putting on a different hat and this is true for many different working environments since the pt and you should only focus on their own recovery, they don't need to hear problems in your life or what you think of their decisions, they want to get better and the best that you can do is educate them about how to make better future decisions but ultimately it's their life and it's up to them what they decide to do.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Reading the news and feeling helpless
So I like to be informed of the news around the world but at a certain point it becomes too much. Most of the news in the newspapers is negative there is very little positive news pieces, and by reading more and more about what is wrong with the world, everyone becomes pessimistic and decides they can't change anything anyway since there are too many problems and they are too big, and so people don't try.
Now unfortunately this is my thought process also, I listen to all the negative news and think only about the negative side of living and of course that contributes to the helplessness and the depression. Take today for example, it's cold, now its raining, the crazy politicians are fighting again, and we have the 4th? election here in the past 3 years? My acne is now worse, and tomorrow I have to be at work an hour early, which means waking up at 6am....what else, let's see, that Japan's nucleur site will turn into Chernobyl, that 3 kids were injured when one brought a gun and it accidentally fired, the libya mess is continuing, the gas is now 1.35, and a university student was killed in her apartment by an unknown attacker at a university.....not to mention that I feel completely incompetent seeing my own patients at my placement.......
See the problem? No wonder I feel helpless and depressed, I only think about the negative, day in, day out....I actually studied this pattern believe it or now, and yet am following the same one....
So..to break this habit I'm going to try to think of 5 positive things that have happened today, its actually a lot harder than thinking about the negative which I must have listed about 20 things. Let's see:
1) I had a nice chat with a few med students today, and was not intimidated and was not nervous, and did not feel as I was inferior to them.
2) I'm slowly becoming more confident in my placement, and was actually able to answer pt questions more confidently (without stuttering, or long silences where my brain desperately tries to find some sort of sentence) and making it seem that I know more than I actually do...progress
3) I had a nice family pesach meal yesterday and today and enjoyed the wine the most, hmm maybe I should sit down with my family for a meal more often...
4) My friend is raising money by running for a worthy cause
5) There is a 4-day weekend coming up with no school work! well at least official school-work....
My negative thinking has gotten so bad, that I think, no matter what positive thing I do it will somehow turn around and bite me, or will end up being negative anyway so I view any good deed as completely useless when that's the wrong way to think, since I can't change wars, or politics on a national scale, and I can't change what they do even though we like to think we can by voting for different parties but in the end it doesn't really make that much difference. But what I can change is the relationships I have with others or looking at things on a much smaller local scale, making a pt feel comfortable, easing their concerns, talking to a friend about their problems, playing with my cat, visiting with my grandfather and grandmother, supporting a local business by buying products from them instead of something cheaper but where a person is making min wage, reducing the amount we drive....even though those seem to be very small things, they do make a big difference to those people, I can't stop wars, stop climate change or stop someone dying from cancer, but I can make small lifestyle changes that do help others just not on a large scale....
That wasn't as hard as I thought, now I challenge everyone (even though there are few) that read this blog to write 5 positive things that have occured in the past day and how you can/are helping others, or producing small changes in the community.
Now unfortunately this is my thought process also, I listen to all the negative news and think only about the negative side of living and of course that contributes to the helplessness and the depression. Take today for example, it's cold, now its raining, the crazy politicians are fighting again, and we have the 4th? election here in the past 3 years? My acne is now worse, and tomorrow I have to be at work an hour early, which means waking up at 6am....what else, let's see, that Japan's nucleur site will turn into Chernobyl, that 3 kids were injured when one brought a gun and it accidentally fired, the libya mess is continuing, the gas is now 1.35, and a university student was killed in her apartment by an unknown attacker at a university.....not to mention that I feel completely incompetent seeing my own patients at my placement.......
See the problem? No wonder I feel helpless and depressed, I only think about the negative, day in, day out....I actually studied this pattern believe it or now, and yet am following the same one....
So..to break this habit I'm going to try to think of 5 positive things that have happened today, its actually a lot harder than thinking about the negative which I must have listed about 20 things. Let's see:
1) I had a nice chat with a few med students today, and was not intimidated and was not nervous, and did not feel as I was inferior to them.
2) I'm slowly becoming more confident in my placement, and was actually able to answer pt questions more confidently (without stuttering, or long silences where my brain desperately tries to find some sort of sentence) and making it seem that I know more than I actually do...progress
3) I had a nice family pesach meal yesterday and today and enjoyed the wine the most, hmm maybe I should sit down with my family for a meal more often...
4) My friend is raising money by running for a worthy cause
5) There is a 4-day weekend coming up with no school work! well at least official school-work....
My negative thinking has gotten so bad, that I think, no matter what positive thing I do it will somehow turn around and bite me, or will end up being negative anyway so I view any good deed as completely useless when that's the wrong way to think, since I can't change wars, or politics on a national scale, and I can't change what they do even though we like to think we can by voting for different parties but in the end it doesn't really make that much difference. But what I can change is the relationships I have with others or looking at things on a much smaller local scale, making a pt feel comfortable, easing their concerns, talking to a friend about their problems, playing with my cat, visiting with my grandfather and grandmother, supporting a local business by buying products from them instead of something cheaper but where a person is making min wage, reducing the amount we drive....even though those seem to be very small things, they do make a big difference to those people, I can't stop wars, stop climate change or stop someone dying from cancer, but I can make small lifestyle changes that do help others just not on a large scale....
That wasn't as hard as I thought, now I challenge everyone (even though there are few) that read this blog to write 5 positive things that have occured in the past day and how you can/are helping others, or producing small changes in the community.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Hospital Paperwork
I have realized the thing I hate most about the hospital environment is the amount of paperwork that needs to be done. After spending 30 min walking the person and monitoring their hr, I have to spend another 30 min writing a 1.5 page essay about the 20 gazillion aspects of the walk, why? Well its because of lawsuits! In some rare case that someone decides to sue us, the proper documentation saves our hide, since we documented everything.
So in this twisted world, it is more important to spend 30 min documenting instead of helping another person....I didn't mention the 15 min I have to spend before seeing the person, trying to read other people's completely not legible writing and reading through 20 pages of the chart trying to find out where the information I need is located....very frustrating.
So in this twisted world, it is more important to spend 30 min documenting instead of helping another person....I didn't mention the 15 min I have to spend before seeing the person, trying to read other people's completely not legible writing and reading through 20 pages of the chart trying to find out where the information I need is located....very frustrating.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Thoughts on my placement in the hospital- 1st week
So a week has gone by and I thought I'd reflect on it. I am in a very good hospital and am in a semi-acute floor which means the patients are mostly post-surgery and are not critical since they're not in the ICU so they're fairly stable and the goal is usually D/C in a few days. The first few days I felt very lost, since we didn't study surgeries and I didn't know what the procedures were or what I was supposed to look in addition to not knowing where all the supplies are...it was stressful. This placement is different than my last since we are supposed to see our own patients independently and write their notes ourselves which is sort of scary. After a few days though I did manage to see a routine and it definitely helps having very patient instructors.
At first I thought I would get too emotional and attached but I have developed a barrier and know that I have to act professional and put all my thoughts and feelings aside and act within my role but it does have challenges. I now no longer question or think about any of the problems or issues in the hospital because I've realized that there are no simple solutions and definitely nothing I can do to fix anything since it is way beyond my scope and responsibility.
An example of this is my thoughts on whether the surgery was actually needed and could the complications been avoided? I have learned a lot about the complications that can occur during surgery and while most do go according to plan, 20% or more don't and the problems could range from mild to very problematic. I did feel that a lot of people are not given a good understanding about these risks and what might or might not happen if they don't get the surgery...will they be able to live for another 5 years without it? Even with the surgery will their lifespan greatly increase past the 5 year mark? I've realized that surgery makes sense for younger and middle aged people but for older people that have 5 other conditions and take 10 different meds, will the surgery actually improve their quality of life?
Most doctors assume that if they find a problem they are obligated to fix it unless it is impossible or if the person declines but is this the right protocol? The person might have lived with the partially blocked vessel for 10 years and led an active life but of course they have to fix it since it is partially blocked and could theoretically become fully blocked, but does this risk outweigh the many risks associated with surgery? Sometimes it does, but if the person has a lot of other issues the risk with surgery might not outweigh the risk of the disease.
I know quite a few people including close relatives that declined elective surgery with sometimes dangerous conditions since they are living well and don't want to face the risks, and I in general agree with them. Now if the problem is actually life threatening that is a different story but the problem is it is hard to determine what is and what isn't life threatening, since one person can live with something for 20 years while another might only live for 1 year and predicting this type of timeline is difficult. So how do the docs decide who needs the surgery? Well I've realized here in NA, they mostly take the cautious route and say everybody is recommended for surgery even though that may not be the best decision for a lot of people.
The PT role in a hospital is a lot more limited than I thought. A big part of the job is discharge planning and evaluating whether a person can walk safely and without their, B.P, H.R and O2 rising/dropping, and evaluating whether they can function in their own homes and whether they need rehab, home care or can be independent with family support. There is also an education component about D/C teaching and safe transfering. This sounds mainly straightforward but get's more complicated when you see a person's O2 dropping and don't really know what to do.....or if its a more complicated situation and it takes an hour just to help to transfer....
In general I do not enjoy the hospital setting since it does turn into a routine after a while and constantly worrying that I will get some sort of infection is not fun...and I just personally feel I can do a lot more than just walk with a person but since it is an acute setting and there is no time, it is not possible to do more...Also I feel somehow its wrong to know more and understand more of their medical history than the person who is often times not given the whole story for various reasons.
At first I thought I would get too emotional and attached but I have developed a barrier and know that I have to act professional and put all my thoughts and feelings aside and act within my role but it does have challenges. I now no longer question or think about any of the problems or issues in the hospital because I've realized that there are no simple solutions and definitely nothing I can do to fix anything since it is way beyond my scope and responsibility.
An example of this is my thoughts on whether the surgery was actually needed and could the complications been avoided? I have learned a lot about the complications that can occur during surgery and while most do go according to plan, 20% or more don't and the problems could range from mild to very problematic. I did feel that a lot of people are not given a good understanding about these risks and what might or might not happen if they don't get the surgery...will they be able to live for another 5 years without it? Even with the surgery will their lifespan greatly increase past the 5 year mark? I've realized that surgery makes sense for younger and middle aged people but for older people that have 5 other conditions and take 10 different meds, will the surgery actually improve their quality of life?
Most doctors assume that if they find a problem they are obligated to fix it unless it is impossible or if the person declines but is this the right protocol? The person might have lived with the partially blocked vessel for 10 years and led an active life but of course they have to fix it since it is partially blocked and could theoretically become fully blocked, but does this risk outweigh the many risks associated with surgery? Sometimes it does, but if the person has a lot of other issues the risk with surgery might not outweigh the risk of the disease.
I know quite a few people including close relatives that declined elective surgery with sometimes dangerous conditions since they are living well and don't want to face the risks, and I in general agree with them. Now if the problem is actually life threatening that is a different story but the problem is it is hard to determine what is and what isn't life threatening, since one person can live with something for 20 years while another might only live for 1 year and predicting this type of timeline is difficult. So how do the docs decide who needs the surgery? Well I've realized here in NA, they mostly take the cautious route and say everybody is recommended for surgery even though that may not be the best decision for a lot of people.
The PT role in a hospital is a lot more limited than I thought. A big part of the job is discharge planning and evaluating whether a person can walk safely and without their, B.P, H.R and O2 rising/dropping, and evaluating whether they can function in their own homes and whether they need rehab, home care or can be independent with family support. There is also an education component about D/C teaching and safe transfering. This sounds mainly straightforward but get's more complicated when you see a person's O2 dropping and don't really know what to do.....or if its a more complicated situation and it takes an hour just to help to transfer....
In general I do not enjoy the hospital setting since it does turn into a routine after a while and constantly worrying that I will get some sort of infection is not fun...and I just personally feel I can do a lot more than just walk with a person but since it is an acute setting and there is no time, it is not possible to do more...Also I feel somehow its wrong to know more and understand more of their medical history than the person who is often times not given the whole story for various reasons.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Depression, Anxiety and Anger in school
Mental health is often overlooked by a lot of people and people often are drawn to blaming the person instead of looking at the situation people find themselves in. The past few years I've been dealing with depression, although how one classifies it depends on the situation. Undergrad is associated with a lot of stress and stress of course brings anxiety and often depression as well. It is hard for me to write and think about it because I don't think I'm completely better....even though I've realized that the best I can do is try to cope with it as best I can without letting it take over my life.
I was a fairly upbeat and relatively happy in high school but when I got to university, the stress, pressure to do well and no social life and constant paranoia about getting sick really took its toll. I wanted to go to med and realized the only way to do it is to get the best marks I could, and with the insane competition it was fairly difficult. I was never one of those people that got concepts in class and could study the day before and get a good mark, I'm one of those people that had to work my ass off to do well, and even with my best effort I realized that it still wasn't good enough and I would not be able to go to med. This is when the depression hit, because up to that point I had a set plan but after I realized that I was not smart enough no matter how hardworking things really began to fall apart. I became extremely pessimistic, became very angry and started thinking that my life is worthless and started blaming my parents for everything.....I actually started thinking of the most effective ways to ....you get the idea....
I didn't get help even though I wanted to because I was afraid that it would affect my future somehow, and didn't take any meds because I didn't want the side effects... I did manage to deal with it and have learned to deal with my mood swings a bit better so that I don't get into such a low again because it takes a long time to get up again. The low lasted probably around 2 years, and only this year have I finally woken up and accepted my career choice.
I think the biggest problem I had was that I could not steer from my original direction. I was dead set to become a doc and for me it was either become a doc or be a failure...and I realized through forums and talking with others that just because the original plan doesn't work out, doesn't mean that one is a failure. In life there are detours and nothing ever works out the way you plan it but to accept that has taken me a long time. Most people would think that I'm insane and would be happy to have the marks and to be in the program I'm in but the reality of it is I've always felt like a fraud and have never celebrated any accomplishments because I never felt they were enough, I still think a lot of it is related to luck and learning to jump through a lot of hoops and hardwork.
Today's job market is not what it used to be, and a lot of people that graduate do not get the job that they wanted and often have to start with min wage jobs, this can be very demoralizing since we have been drilled that if you work hard in Uni, you are set on getting a good job and this is often not the case. It is extremely hard to have to start at a job that requires very few skills when you know you can do so much more....these unrealistic expectations and few job opportunities are probably the root cause of the depression, anxiety and anger a lot of people feel. Is it their fault? No, but they still get blamed instead of looking at the bigger picture.
I'm still learning to cope with a lot of obstacles that are thrown in my way and it is hard, but some of the things I've learned to do is to not carry over one bad day to the next, forget about it and think of the new day as a fresh start, to listen to the radio or watch some movies to distract myself and to talk to someone like friends and family about the issue because through talking the issue no longer seems to be as bad as it seems. It's still hard, but now that I have a direction, life doesn't seem so hopeless anymore and the daily struggles seem a lot more manageable.
I was a fairly upbeat and relatively happy in high school but when I got to university, the stress, pressure to do well and no social life and constant paranoia about getting sick really took its toll. I wanted to go to med and realized the only way to do it is to get the best marks I could, and with the insane competition it was fairly difficult. I was never one of those people that got concepts in class and could study the day before and get a good mark, I'm one of those people that had to work my ass off to do well, and even with my best effort I realized that it still wasn't good enough and I would not be able to go to med. This is when the depression hit, because up to that point I had a set plan but after I realized that I was not smart enough no matter how hardworking things really began to fall apart. I became extremely pessimistic, became very angry and started thinking that my life is worthless and started blaming my parents for everything.....I actually started thinking of the most effective ways to ....you get the idea....
I didn't get help even though I wanted to because I was afraid that it would affect my future somehow, and didn't take any meds because I didn't want the side effects... I did manage to deal with it and have learned to deal with my mood swings a bit better so that I don't get into such a low again because it takes a long time to get up again. The low lasted probably around 2 years, and only this year have I finally woken up and accepted my career choice.
I think the biggest problem I had was that I could not steer from my original direction. I was dead set to become a doc and for me it was either become a doc or be a failure...and I realized through forums and talking with others that just because the original plan doesn't work out, doesn't mean that one is a failure. In life there are detours and nothing ever works out the way you plan it but to accept that has taken me a long time. Most people would think that I'm insane and would be happy to have the marks and to be in the program I'm in but the reality of it is I've always felt like a fraud and have never celebrated any accomplishments because I never felt they were enough, I still think a lot of it is related to luck and learning to jump through a lot of hoops and hardwork.
Today's job market is not what it used to be, and a lot of people that graduate do not get the job that they wanted and often have to start with min wage jobs, this can be very demoralizing since we have been drilled that if you work hard in Uni, you are set on getting a good job and this is often not the case. It is extremely hard to have to start at a job that requires very few skills when you know you can do so much more....these unrealistic expectations and few job opportunities are probably the root cause of the depression, anxiety and anger a lot of people feel. Is it their fault? No, but they still get blamed instead of looking at the bigger picture.
I'm still learning to cope with a lot of obstacles that are thrown in my way and it is hard, but some of the things I've learned to do is to not carry over one bad day to the next, forget about it and think of the new day as a fresh start, to listen to the radio or watch some movies to distract myself and to talk to someone like friends and family about the issue because through talking the issue no longer seems to be as bad as it seems. It's still hard, but now that I have a direction, life doesn't seem so hopeless anymore and the daily struggles seem a lot more manageable.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Insane March
So my second large unit is done and boy has it been insane. I don't think I've ever studies as much and been this stressed before. We had 5 large tests and practical exams in the span of 4 weeks, total madness.
Going into this program was a gamble and I knew I would have to work a lot harder than a lot of other people that did Kine as their undergrad but the interesting fact is if I did do Kine I would not be able to get in at all. I envy the people that can study, work and still have time to go to parties and enjoy life, I was the person that practiced the most, was the first person to arrive and the last person to leave the labs and still managed to only barely pass....there were quite a few days where I left at 7am and came home 8pm. Most days I did not have more than 5 hours of sleep and my body actually adapted due to the stress and I was no longer falling asleep, although that was probably from the adrenalin. I did not have a breakdown but I did develop some bad acne and in the end was eating 10 large oranges a day to reduce the stress, since I could not have any sweets or chocolate since that made my acne worse. The other signs of extreme stress is that my heart palpitations came back and I started wheezing again..
Thankfully it is over, and I do have my 2nd clinical placement to look forward to, now if I could only figure out how to hear the different lung sounds...
Going into this program was a gamble and I knew I would have to work a lot harder than a lot of other people that did Kine as their undergrad but the interesting fact is if I did do Kine I would not be able to get in at all. I envy the people that can study, work and still have time to go to parties and enjoy life, I was the person that practiced the most, was the first person to arrive and the last person to leave the labs and still managed to only barely pass....there were quite a few days where I left at 7am and came home 8pm. Most days I did not have more than 5 hours of sleep and my body actually adapted due to the stress and I was no longer falling asleep, although that was probably from the adrenalin. I did not have a breakdown but I did develop some bad acne and in the end was eating 10 large oranges a day to reduce the stress, since I could not have any sweets or chocolate since that made my acne worse. The other signs of extreme stress is that my heart palpitations came back and I started wheezing again..
Thankfully it is over, and I do have my 2nd clinical placement to look forward to, now if I could only figure out how to hear the different lung sounds...
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