So this is my 100th post, which is surprising since I didn't think I'd actually have enough things to write about when I first started this blog.
I started to document my journey, and it has definitely been a roller coaster that has not ended. It has been a lot tougher than I ever anticipated and has pushed me way beyond my boundaries and has forced me to adapt to a lot of different environments that I wasn't used to. Writing has helped me deal with a lot of issues that I can't really talk to anyone about and in a way can be compared to online therapy.
The past week has been really tough, since I had my first test in this new frustrating unit. I spent 4 days studying for 17hours/day and still felt like I was bsing my way through the test. The amount of material we have to learn is akin to the amount we would learn through a whole semester in undergrad, and we had to learn that in 4 days...very frustrating. It made me really question how I could ever actually handle med school, when the amount of information they have to memorize is often triple to what we have to look at. I've realized my memory is definitely a limiting factor since what happens is I learn something and unless I find it very interesting I forget it, since it get's rewritten by new information, no matter how hard I try.
I wish I could say that after 1.5 years, I actually know something, but the truth is I feel I still know absolutely nothing, and partly that is the fault of the program I'm in, and they're really bad organizational and teaching skills (serves me right for going to the 'centre of the universe' university). Partly though, I do feel that it is very challenging for me to learn at their pace, and not being from a kine or sports background does put me in a disadvantage.
I mean half the time I think what the heck am I doing here? I only play one sport, and have only a vague idea of how to play any others. I don't go to the gym, and only vaguely know the type of machines that are available and what they actually do. I have no upper body strength to actually practice in ortho as I have been told more than a couple of times...yes I do need to work on that I know. My memory is fairly bad, and I have trouble remembering which patient comes with what condition let alone actually remembering their treatments and how to progress them. Also so far, I have not actually enjoyed any of my placements and have done poorly in 3/4, although to my defense, having 2 instructors and different expectations, as well as having a poor teaching environment definitely does not help....
Most people will ask what the heck I thought of when choosing this profession, and now what the heck I'm thinking choosing the tough outpatient ortho specialization instead of the easier inpatient hospital work? Didn't I take the place of a person that deserves to be here more? Well the answer is complicated since first off, there is a actually a job problem where 300 new PT grads for ontario is sort of a lot, especially considering that public sector jobs are drying up and the private sector is not expanding at a fast enough pace, so even though everyone from last year found a job, it is becoming tougher and really becoming who you know. Why did I choose this? Well it's true it is a back-up for me, but my marks aren't good enough for med and with a gen Bsc, my options for jobs are sort of limited to min wage retail or trying to get into business sector such as buying a store, or playing the stock market, both of which are not the most appealing option...given that I have low patience, and high anxiety. Looking back, would I have made a different choice? Well I prob wouldn't choose centre of the universe, but I would still choose PT even though I know how incredibly tough physically and mentally challenging, since ultimately there are no better options.
Why private ortho? Well let me recap again my options are sort of limited, since I don't enjoy acute hospital work, and 90% of the time when I was during my placement was terrified that someone would fall, and I wouldn't be able to catch them...which did happen, although I was able to catch them. Plus I learned I couldn't deal with all the ass-kissing and hospital beuracracy in the hospital. I think I enjoy having more autonomy, although it does scare me, and I do like dealing with stable patients who aren't going to fall or have a heart attack after a walk. The other thing is I find hospital acute care boring, most of the time, is spent ambulating with them, and then discharge planning, and I feel you don't need any skills for that.
I have learned enough to do basic treatment at home, and have managed to get my grandmother ambulating with a cane and up 2 flights of stairs after a 3 looooong weeks in the hospital, and many many complications, and an escape from rehab that was making her worse, although I don't really feel like I did anything substantial. I did force my parents to go to qualified physio to treat the injuries, and am now in the process of trying to find a third PT to help my dad's rotator cuff injury, since even though he has made substantial gains, he is plateauing...and stiff does not have full range and still has pain from everyday activities.
Emotionally, its been very very tough. I've become much more jaded and pessimistic in general. Although my mood has stabilized, and I'm not as emotional, and have learned to control my anger and depression a little, and now have this low-level pessimism, and I don't react to anything anymore since that is the only to cope with everything. The benefit, is that I'm not as afraid to speak my mind, and therefore I'm not as nervous when speaking and therefore don't stutter as much. I also have started swearing which I have always avoiding, but now find it as another coping strategy.
Nobody quite realizes how tough it actually is treating 10 patients/day on placement all with different personalities, needs, and problems and being confident while doing it, as well as dealing with problems at home. Nobody teaches this, or prepares us for it. It's worse in ortho, since most people are also skeptical, and want a quick fix, which I've learned doesn't exist. Injuries take a long time to heal, and many don't actually fully heal, and people have to learn to accept that. The other problem is it takes time and unfortunately money, and if actually even have insurance, often times it doesn't cover 100%, or just covers 4 visits, which is not enough time. Many people especially immigrants don't know what a PT does, and a lot of docs don't even believe PT works, so even though many would benefit many don't go. One person I know with partial insurance, can't bend three fingers due to scar tissue, and doesn't go to physio because its too 'expensive' and not 'free', let me also mention this is a person that spends over $100/week for restaurants, and tips 30%....
My personal life, has been a semi-mess...although I can say that I've officially had a 1 month relationship, and have 'made out', but I haven't had a real relationship and personally haven't even enjoyed making out. I've made quite a few friends in my program without whose help I don't know where I'd be. I've been able to maintain a good relationship with my parents and grandparents, and have learned to hide my moods although not always very well.
I've definitely changed, and do have some more confidence and better language and communication skills. Although I still struggle with a low-level depression, which considering everything is not too surprising, I still continue to have a lot of regrets, that I keep ruminating about and the inability to move on...I'm also still avoiding social gatherings due to the fear of getting sick, although to my credit I even went to a restaurant B-day party, which I usually try to avoid.
In the past 1.5 years my perception of life in general has definitely changed and I feel like a lot more questions than answers to everything, which is frustrating because I always thought that as I grew older I would have a lot more answers. I've learned to cope better albeit in not very positive ways and have fewer melt-downs. I have a lot of things I still have to work, including doubt, regret, and social interaction, but in general I don't feel as hopeless as I felt a few years ago when my dream of med sort of died.
So I want to thank all the readers for continuing to read, and follow my crazy adventure, and hey feel free to comment at any time, I'd love to know what others think and if similar/different experiences. Otherwise I hope everyone has a good weekend.
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