So it is again the time to choose placements, and I'm definitely stressed. Due to my previous negative experiences I see every choice as a bad one. The problem is multiplied since I feel we're not given all the information we need to make informed choices and have to piece things together ourselves. We are given a list of places and a brief description but we're not given the instructor's name or even initials. We also have no way of knowing the different expectations and procedures that each place has and surprisingly the same type of unit in different hospitals can be set up very differently with very different expectations and roles.
It is also very frustrating since I feel we're not given the learning opportunities that we need to have when we graduate since we're at the mercy of what type of institutions are willing to give us a chance. In my current placement, I feel that I am shooting myself in the foot no matter what I choose. I cannot pick any interesting placements like peds ones since I am terrified of not picking things up fast enough and not having a patient instructor. I do not feel ready for any outpatient placements since we did not learn enough in class and would feel overwhelmed...and even if I do pick an outpatient place now it means I wouldn't be able to do it in my last placement and that is a major disadvantage since I hope to work in an outpatient setting.
So the only choices that remain are hospital wards where I end up only ambulating (walking, transferring) patients and doing a lot of paperwork instead of learning something useful for the future. I also end up terrified of picking up MRSA, VRE, or the common cold.
It's tough now, because I feel stuck...I have to keep telling myself that this is temporary, that I will eventually find an environment to work where I will at least not dislike it so strongly, but the regrets never go away. Sometimes I wonder if it ever get's easier or does it just get harder with years when problems just keep building.
I remember a year ago, being so energetic, so awed by the 2nd years who felt so confident, so mature, whereas I felt so green and so lucky to be in the program. A year on, I do feel a lot more mature and more confident but I've lost the energy that I think those 2nd years also lost. I understand the problems of the profession a lot more now and realize that its not all 'helping people get better' and 'watching miracles' its a lot more complicated than that. Its a lot more beurecracy and business. I've also realized that its not accessible to a lot of people and has become a 2-tiered system where the people with insurance can get better but the ones that don't are stuck and are not eligible for rehab (only very basic). The other thing we don't hear about is that not everyone get's better and we can't fix everything, and sometimes watching a person struggle with basic functions in life that we all take for granted or be in pain, and know that we can't help them is the hardest part of the job. No matter how much they teach us that we have to do our best to improve their quality of life, we know that for some people we can't do this and explaining this to a patient or family can break your heart.
We work so closely with patients that sometimes we can't help taking things home with us and their stories never leave us, I wish there was a balance between shutting out all emotion or actually being empathetic, but there isn't. There is either one or the other and unfortunately the ones that are empathetic end up either burning out and leaving the profession or becoming cold and shutting out all feelings since.
I wish had more answers than questions, wish that I could be more optimistic about the future and have the guts to try to fix it instead of watching from afar the mess that everything is creating, wish that life was about more non-profit co-operation and making the world more livable for everyone rather than about profit, greed and fraud. Some days I wonder if I didn't have feelings or a moral compass would life be easier....
On that happy note, I will now force myself to try to forget about everything, shut our my feelings and try to read about 20 lectures. Hope everyone enjoys the weekend, it won't be long until summer is forgotten and the falling leaves remind us of the a new season that we're in.
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