It's been a difficult couple of days and I'm officially sensory overloaded so have no motivation to study, and just get really distracted thinking about the last couple of days....it doesn't help that there are just too many distractions suck as family members coming into my room constantly and me not having the energy to tell them to leave...It also doesn't help that today's 9/11.
This test is hard for me to study since it is on emotionally difficult topics. Learning everyone about SCI, MS, Parkinson's, CP, Muscular Dystrophy, Polio, is hard because a lot of the time there is no cure and not a lot that can be done to improve people's life and functioning.
In a way I have lost all enthusiasm and motivation for studying the topics since they are so depressing. It's difficult because there is no one I can really talk since my family have their hands full with medical emergencies which are partly my fault, most of my classmates don't take things so personally as I do, but some things just trigger my emotions to bubble up to the surface and I have to constantly surpress them so that my family doesn't get worried. There is some help through the school but I'm too scared to access it since its not always as anonymous as we like to believe. So I end up supressing my feelings, studying from 8pm-3am since that is the time when I have some quiet, and forcing my brain shut itself off.
The worse is the constant pretending that I have to do. You would think that after so many years I would learn how to process all the emotions and thoughts I have but I feel it just get's worse since the doubts, fear, failures and regrets just keep building. The only thing I have learned to suppress everything I feel from everyone around me, so that they keep thinking I'm fine when in fact I'm not, and feel like my head is going to explode.
I realized that being in the hospital, triggered all the negative memories and that is what probably in a way triggered the fainting episode. I was used to being the professional, and coming back as a relative of a patient just caused my brain to shut off since I had no control anymore over anything.
So now, going to try to force my brain to stop spinning, for 4 more days so that I could pass the next test, and then attempt to deal with my issues, although I realized that there is no quick fix and I will probably have to keep dealing with them my whole life. I can't stop my parents and grandparents from aging, I can't control where I will work, I also can't change my personality and be more outgoing, and I can't stop myself from being sensory overloaded from most people take for granted. I also can't stop myself regretting decisions in my life. I have to try to live with all of my issues and either learn to suppress my feelings from others or develop a way to de-stress. I have to accept that my life has not the easiest (although it's tougher for a lot of people) and with the constant moving/immigrating, I missed opportunities to experience what a lot of people take for granted, such as stability, security (although in today's economy that's debatable), and learning normal ways to interact with others (although this could be because of my personality). I will probably struggle interacting with others in English for my whole life since due to my shy personality I was never forced to actually talk to others.
We learn that kids are resilient and even if they don't have the perfect environment they still develop relatively normal, but what we don't learn is that deficits still exist and what one person perceives as completely normal, with more analysis learns that there is a lot of effort and compensation required to appear normal.
I feel like a fraud most days, trying to pretend that I'm someone I'm not. I look with envy at people that don't have to pretend, where they don't care what people think and are themselves. The biggest problem I have is that I don't know who I actually am, since I feel like all I've ever tried to do is study and stay healthy. I am that boring person who doesn't have a life, and all I do is go to school and study, who doesn't go out, doesn't have hobbies or a bf. What most people don't get is how much energy that alone takes, that I have a lot of responsibilities at home, and that my brain does not enjoy going out to crowded places.
How do I develop my identity, if I go from one emergency to another? How can learn to deal with things when I have very few people that I can actually talk openly to and not feel judged? How do I stop the what if's?
In a way I have to come to terms with my limitations and responsibilities since that is what a mature person actually does. Will I ever be outgoing? no. Will I ever like bars/clubs? no. Will I ever stop regretting things? no. Will I ever stop being emotionally moved by events? probably not. Will I ever be truly happy go lucky? most likely not. The sooner I accept these things about myself and stop trying to change the better my coping skills will become. Some things are just impossible to change and one has to learn to live with them.
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