I've been struggling in the past few days to get back into my normal studying routine because I've been doing too much and a lot has been on my mind lately.
In the past few days I've managed to decide on a camera as a present for my parent (still debating whether it was the right choice), signed on and closed an online dating account, continued to edit an annoying assignment, dreading upcoming internship choices, and started to doubt my career choice, as well as doubt the future of the city. My mind is now running very fast and I can't slow it down, of course my hormones are making everything worse.
I have always had a problem making decisions. Some people make a decision and stay with it, I can never do that. I will doubt a decision that I make for months, years even and never know whether it was the correct decision and then I start blaming myself that a different decision would have been better. This becomes evident when I go shopping and cannot decide between different items, start trying to make some sort of structure to sort through the different choices and if I decide to buy something, I continue to blame myself that a different choice would have been better.
The same problem with my school, I keep thinking did I make the right choice? Should I have gone to the PA program instead? It sometimes seems I just lose all rational sense. I was reading the forums today and I realized that I do meet the cutoff for one med school and then a light went up and I thought, do I have a chance? Should I go for it? But the question then becomes do I want to go for it? Do I want to be in school for another 3 years + res? Of course all the old wishes came back to haunt me. Thankfully for my brain the decision was made for me and I cannot apply this year even if I wanted to since I'm not finished my grad program. But the nagging feeling remains should I have applied to other programs? Would I be happier in other programs? Will I be satisfied as a PT or always regret my choice?
Next on my many problems is my lack of any kind of dating life. Why? Well the main issue is that there is no real places for me to meet guys, in undergrad, my program was mainly made of girls with an odd guy, and now its the same thing in grad. Since I'm fairly busy, I don't tend to go out at all, hate bars, clubs, concerts and any other crowded spots and so end up at home most time when I'm not in school. So I turn to online dating since I mistakenly think that the more people the more likely to meet someone you like right? wrong. Everyone on it starts looking for a supermodel that doesn't exist. Most guys are not looking for a relationship on it, and end up messaging everyone hoping someone will respond, or don't message anyone because they don't satisfy their requirements. All it took was a few strange conversations on the site to get me to completely lose hope in it and have now closed it. I've realized that it is not the best way to meet guys, and I will just have to wait until I'm done this and when I have less stress to start up my search again and not online.
I just wish that time could slow down and instead of running in a rat cage and trying to complete a 100 things/day I could actually enjoy something small like going outside with my cat, or watching a movie, while instead I end up answering many phone calls, trying to keep medical issues under control, being the family physio that attempts to fix family related injuries since we have no insurance, and try to keep up with schoolwork for which I have no motivation.
Sometimes I wonder how long I can keep going without burning out. Or if I've already reached the burn-out stage. The main problem is that I don't have a lot to look forward to, the future is very cloudy, instead of being clear. Will I get a job when I finish? Will I hate it? Will I ever find a partner? Will I ever be happy?
I try to shut out my true feelings and fears, to not feel anything, and even though I am getting better at hiding them from others, they never really go away. The more I try to deny them the harder they come back.
So tomorrow, I am going to try to put my guard up again and go back to not feeling anything, no more forums, tv shows, reduce news, no dating websites or guys. Just school, since that is what I have to focus on at the moment, and everything else will come later.
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