I seem to go from one extreme to the next with nothing in between. Most days it almost feels like there is no real purpose to life just routines, no enjoyment, just responsibilities. I always keep thinking that if I just finish this one test, this one semester, then I'll truly be free, truly be happy, not really knowing what happiness is. The interesting thing is I don't know what makes me happy or satisfied anymore, so how the question is how can I possible be fulfilled if I don't even know what that will take?
The question I keep asking myself is this why I've studied so much for the past 5 years in uni for, to be miserable? It's funny since today while visiting a condo development presentation, I seemed to have recognized a familiar face from the area back when I lived there who is my own age (24ish), what surprised is that she has a kid a husband....I couldn't stop thinking how young she was and how could she have a baby already? Now of course me being me, I couldn't get the nerve to talk to her because I couldn't even remember her name....but I really wish I could have.
I almost felt as if I hit an invisible wall that I couldn't penetrate and felt stuck from moving forward. In a way it reminded me of my failures in my social life. For all the success I have in school (which I still don't think is adequate), I don't feel like I am accomplishing or growing in my social life. I have no boyfriend, no prospect of a boyfriend, and no place to actually meet anyone. I am very picky and am not willing to accept anyone that does not satisfy my many criteria. If that wasn't enough I have a very moody personality, cannot flirt, and am afraid of going out...so how can I even meet anyone? How can I get married and have kids, if I haven't been in a relationship for longer than 1 month?
Now that I'm done my last unit, am I doing anything fun? no, of course not. My typical day includes acting as a nurse for my grandfather and putting drops in his eyes, as a physio to my dad and attempting to get him to seek professional help, as a diagnostician to my mom and attempt to research the cause of her vision loss and get her to see a specialist. Now I've also added 1 hour of exercising on the weekends at home with a make-shift gym, and of course the now never ending emails and texts regarding the research project....did I mention dealing with my cat's tooth infection?
I still do not have any appetite to eat, and have to force myself to eat at least 3 small meals/day, have lost the 5 pounds I need to have a constant period and therefore have started skipping periods again. I have also started loosing my hair to add to the other growing issues...
The time that I do have, I try to just shut the door and work on my research project but end up looking at the newspapers and going on fb, and forums and being completely unproductive and end up becoming even more miserable...should I get a new hobby?
The only thing I think about is money, but after today and seeing my friend with a kid, I think what's the point of money if you can't share it with someone, or be unable to go out once in awhile and enjoy life?
I'm just tired of the constant uncertainty of the future, the constant pressure to do well and succeed and be able to do it all. There is only so much pressure a person can take before losing it and a lot of people cannot seem to understand this....I feel responsible for the health and welfare of all 4 members of my family and yet cannot keep up with all the medical issues that keep surfacing daily all the while completely ignoring my own issues. Everytime I go out I feel guilty because I know that my mom has more work to do keeping the household running, and it seems everytime I go out there is a new emergency that occurs. Everytime I also have to think carefully will I get sick, will I infect all of my family? Will it take months and many meds for them to recover from a simple cold?
I also feel a pressure from my parents to finish and start supporting myself and helping them.....my dad is approaching his 60's and wants to retire in 5 years, but for him to do that comfortably he has to know that I can support myself, which isn't unreasonably but it's more pressure on me to finish well...get a good full-time job preferably close by....and of course they want me to get married and have kids...preferably soon.....Can I actually live up to all those expectations?
I don't know what the solution is to my never-ending stress, constant emergencies, and high expectations...maybe the solution is to unplug my life at least a little and try making goals for the future...and I probably do need something to help me destress a little and I will probably try reading at least a little each day to distract me from my own life...and maybe I have to try to set up some schedule to try to accomplish the things I need to accomplish. I will also try to set up some boundaries and try to reduce the expectations I keep feeling since it is not helping me and is making me more stressed.
I have to accept the fact that I can't do everything, I can't study in school full-time and then try to also find a boyfriend...given my family responsibilities it is just too much....that also means letting go of the guilt I feel daily and trying at least to do the best I can but knowing that it is impossible and all I can do is try my best to stay on top of everything.
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