I love to plan and really dislike uncertainty and change. It sort of goes with my personality but that's for another post. As before unknowingly I tried to plan the next 5 years until I've realized that it most likely will not work out that way. My plan? Let's see finish PT school, find a outpatient orthopedic practice willing to take me a new grad full time that is preferably within 30min drive from my parents house and physiotherapy owned with lot of support for new grads, let's see then save enough money, find a jewish boyfriend, buy a house and have 2 kids, then open my own practice.....
Even to me it starts to sounds a bit ridiculous...there are a few detours that are already occuring....first off the job market is bad for all new grads and physios are not excluded, everyone wants people with experience and are not willing to invest in training so unless I get really really lucky I will either end up with part time outpatient ortho clinic that is 2hours away. Which means I will have to move away from home....or if unlucky I might have to go work up north which is 4 hours north and work in a small town and do everything including acute, rehab, outpatient and home care which is challenging... and the bf? well so far I don't get along with any jewish guys and now am dating (sort of...) a non-jewish guy, so so much for my great plans. House and kids? Well with my luck the house will be 2 hours away from my work and I'm not even sure I can easily have kids since my periods are irregular and sporadic since my percentage of body is really low (no I'm not anorexic, I just do not feel very hungry and dislike most sources of protein).
It doesn't help that I keep blaming myself for everything and thinking if I could have changed something would my life be better? would I or my family be happier? Or would my life be so different I wouldn't even recognize it?
I keep trying to move forward and forget about the past and everyone else's problems which I can't fix anyway, and yet keep getting sucked back in and keep feeling their pain and frustrations and of course my own issues that I am constantly trying to forget and control.
I look at people in my class and wonder why aren't they as stressed or as miserable as I am? Do they have to work as hard to understand and interpret social cues and what you can and can't say? Do they need alone time to recuperate from social interactions?
I know I shouldn't compare myself to others because everyone is different and has different issues but sometimes I wish I could stop being so sensitive to everything around me and be able to interact more easily with others and not have to try so hard and find that others still find me weird.
Ok rant over. My plan? Accept fate, if I end up in a small town 4 hours north so be it, maybe I'll actually like it there. If I end up marrying a non-jewish person it's not the end of the world, since nothing turns out the way you plan it.
Right now I have to stop procrastinating and continue studying since at least that much I can control. I have to forget about the future, since I have a test in 1 week, and assignment and assignment due in 4 days.
Over and out.
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