Bittersweet

So I'm officially done anatomy and managed to pass another test, only one left until the short summer break! It is bittersweet since it continues to confirm that I'm getting older and everything is changing quite quickly and its hard for me to adapt to the constant changes. I just get so overwhelmed that I have no energy at the end of the day, I quess I never knew how exhausting it is to constantly be worrying about marks and the constant social interaction is also very exhausting.

Everything goes by so fast that I have no time to process anything, sometimes I wish we could just stop time or rewind it to a time when it was easier and life was not so complicated. Now each decision I make has consequences and that is hard to deal with. I am constantly overloaded and overwhelmed with daily life and with the pace of change that is occuring. I keep thinking that things will get easier and better but I keep realizing that life get's more complicated and harder as you age. Where will I live in year? Will I be able to find a job in the city or have to move 400km or more for work? Should I try to continue developing a relationship knowing that my family will be dissapointed and that it goes against my culture and not knowing where it will lead? How can I make sure that everyone in my family stays as healthy possible? How can I help my friend who finished her bachelor's, yet doesn't know if she will be able to get into a graduate program? What can I do if I think the country is moving in a wrong direction? Is it just a heat anomaly (it is now 38C with a humidex of 49, above 30 for the past 2 weeks, and no rain) or is it the start of climate change that we can't reverse and are we all doomed?

These are my daily thoughts and I have no idea how to deal with them and get very overloaded by the end of the day that I end up passing out, today I fell asleep on an unsuspecting transit rider because of pure exhaustion and heat. Of course functioning on 6 hours of sleep and very little food, and no rest doesn't really help my brain cope with all the constant change. I know that there are no easy answers and that the end conclusion is that life is hard and doesn't get easier, but the transition is extremely hard because whatever decisions I make are mine and I can't blame others for them as I used to do.

Most days I think back to high school and summer vacation and the days when I was actually happy and really long for those lazy days where I would ride my bike with my friends and play on the swings and play in the woods....I just feel that I have no memory of the last 5 years where I was either studying, working or dealing with emergencies at home. I quess what I want to go back to being a kid and stop maturing and becoming a adult (yes at 23 I don't consider myself an adult) because it is an escape from my current problems which seem never-ending and have no easy solutions.

Well rant officially over, time to go to surviving another test.