I’ve really been struggling over the past couple of days to
focus on studying, and I realized the major problem is I feel like my mind is
still at my old job and I feel very guilty about leaving. I’m the type of
person that obsesses constantly about the things I choose to do, and its been
hard because there have been so many changes in the past month that I haven’t
really had time to process and accept them.
I really shouldn’t feel guilty at all about leaving, because
there were so many problems that now I’m surprised at myself that I actually
lasted 6 months there. I really wanted to publish a post I write that was
actually 4 pages long regarding how many problems there actually were and why I
left, but to shorten it, the major deciding factor in the end was billing issues,
and the major concern I had was that I could potentially lose my license or get
a record and it wouldn’t be over something I had done wrong, but the fraudulent
billing by the clinic. That was the issue that made me wake up from my reality
and give my notice. I’m still terrified that they’re billing something under my
name that I didn’t do…that’s how bad it got. But the owner made me feel so bad
and guilty that its almost like I somehow betrayed her for leaving when in
reality I followed all the standard protocol. The only thing I left out was the
real reason I’m leaving and basically made it seem all about the crazy
commuting (which was a major issue, but wasn’t the main one).
The truth is, for some reason when companies take new grads
and train them, as well as sign some forms, they feel like they’re doing you a
big favour, and in return you owe them a lifetime of loyalty and servitude.
This is what the manager thought she was getting, and I of course tried my best
to act as if I knew nothing about business and am really a naïve new grad that
will do anything to please everyone and agree with everything they say… well…
apparently I was a very good actor and they didn’t realize that I had enough life
experience under my belt (ie: screwed multiple times) that I knew I don’t owe a
company anything as they would fire me the minute I stopped being the person I
pretended to be. They didn’t keep me informed about the political issues and
tried to hide them, but they forgot to realize that there is a lot of gossip in
every company and I’ve learned a lot from that. I also developed a lot of
detective skills, and therefore was able to get a lot more information about
the real issues when I did some detective work myself when no one was looking.
At some point, I realized that working for free, destroying
my hands, and being very stressed as well as possibly getting a record was
worse than burning a bridge and enduring the wrath of a manager. A week after
the whole thing blew over, I definitely don’t regret it! The only thing I do
regret was possibly not giving an earlier notice, but honestly I only had the
one unstable job at the that point, and really did think about making it work,
but as the other job fell into my lap, I knew I couldn’t pass it up, and really
gave my notice the next day.
I think the one thing that has been a commending theme with
me, is that I have to stop taking on other people’s problems and blaming
myself, because I will go crazy and have enough problems of my own! It is not
my problem if and when they find another person to take over my very part-time
position, and whether they lose clients in the process…. It is their choice to
do bad billing, see 4 patients/hour and keep people waiting for an hour for
their appointment. They put me through a lot of stress and even though they did
train me, I put in a lot of unpaid time as well. I am an employee and I do have
the right to change jobs with a given notice and I did just that. I do have the
right to pursue better opportunities for my career and for my life and I am not
going to keep feeling guilty for that.
I am going thinking about it, and I will attempt to focus on
the actual problems I do have such as a very important exam that is coming in 2
weeks for which I am not prepared at all! That should ultimately, be the only
problem right now, and I will put all the other ones on the back burner and
will deal with them when the time comes!
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