Back to Square One

So here I was thinking that I was making progress and feeling confident in my new internship when boom come the evals....yeah confidence dropped about 10 below zero and anger escalated 10 above zero.....came home partially drowned the pain and anger with some nice wine and tv shows....never believed in alcohol but sometimes in moderate and controlled doses it can blunt things a bit and stop your brain from spinning and after a while makes things a bit clearer..that is if it doesn't give you a headache..

Yeah not doing too well would be an understatement, the biggest shock for me was that it was totally unexpected and I actually thought I was doing a lot better, I mean I'm not nervous when talking with patients, I can comfortably talk and even joke sometimes, and my clinical skills are getting there, I mean I've only been there for a few weeks am I really going to have all their clinical skills and reasoning that they have when they've worked for years?

Well I've realized that my biggest problem is confidence and the instructors sense that, the best advice I've got in my other placement was fake it until you make it, and I therefore have to pretend to be confident in my assessment and analysis skills even though I'm not and that's probably my biggest issue......the other thing is I ask too many questions and that's frustrating since I want to clarify everything but the reality is to learn eventually I have to go on my own and I'll have no one to clarify with so I have to start formulating my own judgements and trusting them because otherwise I will not be able to move forward.

So I quess I have to keep fighting and try harder since the fight never stops and if you let your guard down for even a second you lose the fight....and I've definitely been too relaxed.

I was really mad at first since I think I am progressing quite fast, and it has taken a lot for me to learn how to talk to patients, nurses, docs without getting nervous, learning to function in a fast-paced environment which has always been difficult for me since there are a lot of distractions and its hard to concentrate but I have realized that its not enough and I have to go beyond that and keep pushing my boundaries since its never enough...

The thing I learned is to learn to let go of the anger, and to stop the endless complaining at some point and figure out how I can improve, since being angry and blaming others and myself doesn't really make me feel much better and doesn't really fix the problem, but doing something or distracting myself does in a way help me deal with the problem. So I am not as angry anymore and I will critically think about how I can improve and survive yet another placement....since it's about surviving.