Introversion and Social issues

I confess I am an introvert and it has definitely not made life easy. I have always felt different, ever since elementary school when I always felt like I didn't fit in anywhere, it was frustrating, and part of that sense comes from still not truly figuring out how I actually am, but that is for another post.

I have always blamed my inability to relate and being socially awkward for moving around a lot, and I mean A LOT. Let's just say that the most I lived in one city was 5 years and the longest I lived in one house was 5 years and you get a picture. The truth is though that I realized that moving is only one factor out of many that influence introversion and others include genetics, upbringing and illness, so even though I really want to blame my parents, it isn't really their fault that I don't have the best social skills (although it is the easiest solution!)

My other problem that has made me self-conscious is the fact that I'm not purely Canadian and even though I lived here for 15 years and studied here, it is still hard for me to speak because I was never really forced to speak.....I know I know, how can you live in a country for 15 years and not speak with anyone in English? Sounds a bit ridiculous I know! Well at home I don't speak English and at school the teachers never forced us to talk and then due to my shyness and social awkwardness, I didn't want to speak with others because I would often stumble and not be able to coherently explain what I was trying to say, and kids being kids would sometimes make fun of it, so I just let others speak and I would listen.....

Now all this worked out great and I was able to manage not speaking to anyone during undergrad (I know...I know...a bit crazy!) until 2 months ago when I entered this program! For some reason the program thinks its important to actually TALK to our clients! Completely foreign concept to me! Now, our class is a small group of 80 people and we see each other EVERY DAY, for 2 YEARS! Yeah it's sort of impossible to not speak to people in that small environment.....

So what happened? Well I realized that I can't live in the background anymore, I can't just watch and listen to others like I've been doing before, I was forced to become part of the unique community and that means participating in their discussions, frustrations, rants...I realized that they don't care that I stammer, and forget what I'm trying to say (as my disorganized post shows!) that they accept me and it is slowly becoming easier and easier to talk and I can almost speak without having to think about it so much....I actually am able to ask questions in class now!

I have also realized that if someone has a problem with my slowness or my non-perfect sentences, its their problem not mine and I definitely should not take it personally because people are different but a few bad experiences doesn't mean I shouldn't participate in life, because being afraid of everything and thinking everyone is judging you, does not increase the quality of life (that we learn so much about!).

So next time someone stops to talk to me, I will not be thinking of where can I hide? I will be thinking of actually participating and offering ideas and not being so self-conscious about the fact that the answer might be stupid, since that's what makes it fun, and hey there is always the backup plan of 'I only slept 6 hours and am a zombie' lol!