It is taking me all the energy that I have to not just quit
this whole online dating thing. I can’t even begin to describe how frustrating
this whole process is. Today I read about one female took it to a new level to
understand what the heck the guys are looking for in a profile and then made a
checklist and anyone with less than 700 points would be off the list!
After my own frustrations I can see why people go to some of
these extremes. I mean I’ve made my profile very very generic, light and
positive and have tried to choose the best pictures I have, and I don’t know
what else I can do to attract the guys I would actually be compatible with. I’m
not even talking about physical attraction, but in terms of similar interests, values
and some basic physical attraction. I’ve realized that what I’m really looking
for is a life-long friend that I can talk to by being myself instead of
continuing to feel like I have to someone else and acquire a different
personality to match theirs like I do at work.
The main problem for me, is that I’m not that interested In
intimacy right off the bat, and I am a bit of a tomboy, and do not really enjoy
wearing makeup, dresses and high heels, so I think that right away eliminates a
huge pool of guys that would be interested. Being close to my family and having
a semi-demanding job doesn’t help matters. Now don’t get me wrong I have
adapted quite a bit, and now dress up for most dates, make sure to appear nice,
and wear basic makeup. But I can’t completely alter who I truly am, because I’ve
realized I’d be miserable in that kind of relationship and it just wouldn’t
work.
The other problem is intimacy. What I would want ideally, I’ve
realized after my dating escapade doesn’t exist. You can’t have everything and
any relationship takes a lot of compromise. Ideally for me, would be a
relationship with a really basic level of intimacy until I get comfortable and
solve my anxiety issues, but for guys it doesn’t work that way. For them the
physical attraction and connection is very important, and most for some reason
have this variable rule of sex on the 3-5th date, unless they’re
religious. To me this hard rule doesn’t make sense, and in general makes me
quite frustrated, as its an arbitrary number and should be adjusted depending
on the person, but they seem to right away almost evaluate how quickly they can
get you into bed, and if its gonna take too long, they give up and move on.
I’ve definitely grown after going on so many dates, and don’t
take it as personally as I used to, and I do understand it is a numbers game, and
the more people you go out with, the more likelihood you’ll find someone you’re
compatible with, but it definitely get’s exhausting after a while. After a
certain period of time, I start to wonder whether it is worth it. I’m finally
at the point where I am emotionally stable, can control my moods, have a good
job, and can almost enjoy life…I continue this craziness because of society’s
expectation that we should all have a partner, and we should get married and
have kids…where this came from I have no idea, as the earth is overpopulated
anyway! Maybe Hollywood is to blame, as we have this image in our head of what
a perfect relationship looks like, and even though we all know real life doesn’t
work like that, and can’t have a quick wrap-up ending in 2 hours, we look at it
as the ideal and strive to go for that image. I mean relationships are hard! I
couldn’t believe it, but a number of people I met my age, have already been
married and divorced! Or they’ve been in very long-term relationships and then
something happened and they went their separate ways.
I really do wish I could say, now that I’m done school and
have a job and am more or less settled that I’m happy. But it’s far from the
truth. I’m not miserable and very sleep-deprived and don’t feel like a zombie
anymore now that I have some control over my own schedule…I feel I’m more
stable…and I’m not as afraid of everything as I was before and actually have
gone out and explored a lot in the past few months including a rib-fest,
orthodox wedding, many restaurants, a Caribbean festival, bowling, tennis,
mini-golf, movies, zip-lining, and sailing, as well as now having the amazing
chance of getting to know my nephew! For most people, these activities are
nothing out of the ordinary, but for me, I’ve truly been able to conquer my
anxiety regarding being in big groups, public places and meeting many many new
people.
I’m feeling much more rested and relaxed, but the thing is I’m
sort of restless and bored. I feel my life has become a boring routine, get up,
go to work, work, come home, sleep. As anyone can understand, all jobs become
routine after a while, and I feel like mine has also become routine, I can
almost shut my brain down and not think about anything, and tend to repeat the
same script I’ve developed for different conditions. I literally feel like a
robot. Definitely better than feeling like a zombie, or constantly being sick
and having asthma/panic attacks..but still far from ideal.
I have to say I really shouldn’t complain, and am very very
lucky to be where I am today. We have a lot of choices and we take everything
for granted. Places like Syria and Egypt where women have much fewer rights and
freedom of speech as well as a full on civil war where they worry about the
basic necessities of life like food and water, and having no electricity.
As frustrated as I get, I will keep trying this crazy new
dating world, and at the very least, I’ll have some more great stories to share
if nothing else!
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