Now back to my experiment. I had a couple of sources
including set-ups from friends, matchmakers, as well as 2 different online
dating websites (1 paid, 1 free). For 9 out of the 12 guys, the initial meeting
didn’t progress into anything more than a coffee/dinner date, and it was either
mutual, or I felt we had absolutely nothing in common and would not work. I
learned a lot of different interesting things that I never really knew about
including the fact that there are a lot of people buying one-way tickets to
Mars, and some people believe that in the next 100 years (if we don’t
self-destruct), there will be a human colony living underground on Mars and
there will be a tourist elevator that will take future space travellors to
discover the wonderful air-free planet that Mars is in only a day of travel.
Hey, what do I know, I mean I still envision flying cars and skateboards.
I’ve also learned that some people can easily spend 5K on a
watch and not even think about it, as well as change jobs from a chef to an
insurance salesperson, or from a stock-broker to helping create an event
planning site, or accounting to acting. I actually started thinking, hmm..I
should try acting, it can’t be that hard, I mean I do it every day anyway!
The more interesting parts of my experiment were of course
with people I figured I could stand for more than 1 date and see if anything
could come out of it. There were 3 of those, and 2 are still ongoing, but the 1
was the most unique. This was a guy who had recently (3 years ago) came to
Canada, and let’s say there are different cultural variations on dating which
was sort of a revelation for me! In Eastern Europe, the culture varies quite a
bit, the guys are a bit more on the aggressive side, and although they are
willing to pay for everything (to the point of getting insulted if you even
offer), bring flowers, open doors, act very gentleman like, and are not afraid
of a commitment, there are some catches that I quickly realized.
First off they are quite pushy and are used to
getting what they want, they want to control everything, they want a commitment
from you right from the start and want to go out very frequently (every other
day!). This is where it got crazy. The guy was calling (not texting) every day,
even when I warned him that I work late and my phone doesn’t always work. He
kept calling, leaving messages and getting annoyed that I don’t answer!! When I
tried to explain that I don’t have good reception at one of the places I work
at, and work long-hours, he said I should find a break and call him then! I
mean it is unacceptable for him not to be able to reach me! Let me explain that
this was after the 2nd date and we were only going out for 3 days! Next,
even knowing that I have a busy work schedule didn’t phase him, I mean I could
always come and go out after work right? Trying to explain that I work 10hour
days, and all I want to do in the end is sleep, apparently didn’t work, I mean
I should of course, work more reasonable hours and he should be my number 1
priority! Not to mention that he was on at home call for sometimes as long as a
week, and his solution would be that I should come over to his place to hang
out, in between him getting work calls!
Now this would all be tolerable,
if it wasn’t for the fact that we have completely incompatible sex drives! I
didn’t realize this is a critical factor until this mini relationship. Let me
explain, I have very low desire in general, and am still a virgin, and it took
me a while to even get used to hugs, let alone being intimate which I’m still
getting used to. This guy, was sleeping with people from 15, and felt I was a
very strange person! I mean how is it possible not to want to have sex! His
solution would be to go for a vacation somewhere and show me what I’ve been
missing all these years....which would be fine for some people, but that did
not get me in the mood at all. All I could think about was getting some sort of
STD and lots of pain. I think the biggest problem was that he wanted to do it
right away and as many times a day as possible, which is very normal for most people,
but for me I found very aggressive and my body resisted everything because he
was not gentle at all.
After a week I realized it’s
really not going to work, and he was driving me crazy, and I tried to explain
that I wanted to take it much much slower, and was not interested in anything
serious at the moment, which really surprised him, and he mentioned that its
either a relationship or nothing, no friends option! Apparently this is
standard? As they find it too confusing? Which is fine, I said it wasn’t going
to work, and we should go our separate ways, but yet this took a whole hour on
the phone!
Now of course, with the recent 2
that I’m still in touch with, it is the complete opposite! One is out of the
city, and we email once every 3 days and meet up 2X/month. The other one is
similar except he lives in the city! I can’t say I feel the magical ‘spark’
with anyone, so at this point, I’ve stopped looking for it, and have lowered my
expectations quite a bit. All I’m looking for, is a normal relationship, where
I won’t be pressured into doing things I’m not comfortable with, and where we’re
good friends, can enjoy each other’s company and can do activities that we both
enjoy around the city, I mean is that too much to ask?
I’ve actually gone so far, as to
see a therapist to see if there’s something truly wrong with me and my desire,
and her reply, was that everyone is different, and that some experiences shape
who you are and people value different things. Her best advice was to find
someone patient, that is willing to take the time to get to know me, and
explore instead of rushing into something, because that will not help me at
all.
Through all this, I realized,
that I just have to keep trying to find someone and not settle with the first
guy that is interested. I am different, I do have my own baggage, and issues I’m
trying to resolve, but that just means I’m different, and if a guy is not
willing to offer me respect and patience, then he’s not worth it. All I know
for sure, is this dating thing Is not easy.
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