So I have to be honest, and feel a bit overwhelmed and
reluctant to write this post, and understand that a lot of people will be like
‘how the heck can anyone still be a virgin at 25! There must be something wrong
with this person’. So let me start off with the fact, that I’m glad to actually
shed this title and feel like an actual mature adult that is not
psychologically flawed. Which I did feel like for a looong time.
So let me start off with why I was still a virgin after all
this time and why I didn’t just ‘get it over with’ in high school/college.
First off I was a late bloomer, didn’t feel pretty, or attractive, and didn’t
date anyone in high school because I was too focused on surviving and trying to
fit in. Then in University, my number one goal was doing well, and getting
great marks, so I focused on school, and didn’t really talk to anyone, let
alone actually have time to date. Then I got into my Master’s, and at this
point I actually tried to date, but it went nowhere, because I was exhausted mentally
and physically and couldn’t put any effort into a relationship. So fast tract
to this summer, being the 25yo, where I thought…hmm…I should probably at least
attempt to date and see where it goes. Now the good thing is I did start to
explore and went to 3rd base with 2 guys, but didn’t go all the way
because I didn’t quite trust them or was emotionally and physically attracted
to them. One of them was a really good friend of mine from High school.
So fast forward to today, because of course everyone is
dying to hear what happened! So this was our 5th date, and I would
have to say even though I’m exhausted, it was a lot better than I thought it
would go, and I even achieved an orgasm for the first time in my life! Now it
was a magical day, and we initially went to a park and made out on a bridge
overlooking the water, then we walked around and talked quite a bit. Had a good
lunch and of course a drink, which probably helped a bit. Then we got coffee, a
bit of a mistake on my end, but hey everyone makes mistakes. After all this, we
talked about what being in a relationship means, and what we are both looking
for in it, and it definitely helped clear up a couple of things. He does have a
past where he has had a lot of sexual partners, and a few relationships that
did not work well, so he definitely knows what he doesn’t want, which is
someone that is critical, and that he can’t be himself around, so that helped
me a bit. He also explained how his journey 10 month journey around the world,
helped clarify a couple of things, including the fact that he wants something
more stable and is ready to settle down, because he has had enough of the
quantity and is looking for quality. He also admitted that he has been selfish
in his previous relationships, and has been working on improving his own
confidence issues, as well as find a partner where he can guide that
relationship, and not be forced along, but at the same time, not have to pull
the weight. Basically the whole idea is to improve each other and not get in
the way of our own personal growth.
So, we went back to his place, and it was a bit of a mental
struggle initially, because I kept thinking, should I wait? Is a 5th
date too soon? Do I trust him enough? Will it be very painful?
The funny thing that I realized, that I was reading about it
so much, and had so many varied opinions that it was clouding my judgement and
it was just causing a lot of unneeded anxiety. He is very very gently, and
before anything he did a lot of foreplay including oral, then made sure he
could go in with one finger and then with 2, and only then did he actually go
in himself. I felt lots of pressure, but not necessarily pain, and he continued
with the foreplay while going in which was helpful. Now I was very far from
being relaxed, but was able to tolerate him going in half way, and then
actually had a 20 minute orgasm! It was the most bizarre experience I’ve ever
felt. It was this rush of tingling and vibrating that was going through my
whole body, from below right to the arms and legs. It felt like a release that
needed to come out, and really felt like an out of body experience as I had no
control over my muscles or body anymore! It took a long time for me to settle
down from that, and couldn’t quite comprehend everything.
Then we did it a second time, and this time, was a bit more
problematic. He went all the way in, and tried thrusting very slowly, which my
body was not ready for, and reacted not very well. I started panicking, my
muscles started tightening, and I actually started hyperventilating and
shaking…and took me a while to settle down a bit. I think I scared him a bit,
and of course after a couple of minutes I was okay and only a bit shaken up. I
realized it was most likely the coffee that made me so jittery, and add in the
excitement is a recipe for disaster with my anxiety levels. The strange thing
was that there was very minimal pain, and almost no blood, as he fingered me
beforehand, and I trusted him and was actually almost able to relax, which I
realized is key.
I’m still not quite sure how I feel about it. I’m glad I did
it with him, because I fully trusted him, and he did make it a lot less painful
and enjoyable that I thought it would be. It is almost a relief, to say I’m no
longer a virgin, but at the same time, I don’t really feel any different… for
whatever reason, I thought there would be this magical awakening, and I would
have this huge epiphany or emotional breakthrough, but I’ve realized it doesn’t
work that way. I’m still me, just not a virgin anymore, and am not defined by
it. I quess I always had this image of waiting until marriage, or waiting until
I was in a long term relationship for a long time and making sure to have the
right guy to do it with, but the longer I waited, the more I read and the more anxiety
and false theories I developed around sex, and a lot of them really aren’t true
and are different for every person.
The most important advice I can share from my own
experience, is its okay to wait, there is nothing wrong with it. Make sure your
first time is with someone you trust completely, because if you don’t trust
them, you can’t relax and it will be painful. Arousal is key, both for
lubrication, as well as relaxation. It might take 20 minutes of foreplay to
really feel comfortable before attempting anything. Some alcohol can help at
least reduce some of the inhibitions, and promote some relaxation, but you
don’t need an excessive amount. Fingering definitely helps stretch the muscle
and reduce the amount of pain after during the initial phase. Being slow and
gentle is the key, and don’t try to force it on the first go, because that will
create a sense of distrust, discomfort and will take a long time to rebuild it.
It’s okay to thrust later on after you get comfortable. It can be emotionally overwhelming
and can take time to settle down, which is also okay, and asking for some space
for a couple of days after is completely reasonable.
After all that I have no idea what to feel anymore, and I
think it will take me a couple of days to process and accept this new part of
me, but I realized that, that’s okay. Everybody responds differently, and I do
feel like I have finally conquered this obstacle that was causing me a lot of
anxiety and mental anguish.
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