Just came back from an 'active' vacation and am totally exhausted and drained. Went to a city that I used to live in and its true what they say when they say you can't go back to the past. I had an okay time, went to some museums, the parliment buildings, went biking around the city on another day and saw some friends we had when we lived there. Of course got overheated on one day and the biking involved a bike with bad brakes which was an adventure in itself but what's a vacation without some adventure. Of course the hotel is another matter which let's just say its not the best idea to stay in the cheapest available option and sometimes makes more sense to pay for something to have a more enjoyable experience, definitely learned that the hard way (bad creaking mattress, smoke filled bathroom, bad air quality).
I didn't go alone (with siblings) and that was frustrating since I quickly learned we don't share the same ideas and trying to compromise was very frustrating. I tended to give in quite a bit since they are guests and in the end gave up trying to voice my own ideas and that caused me to be quite miserable since I didn't really get to do what I wanted to do and just went along with what they wanted. I've realized that compromise should go both ways and if it doesn't resentment builds up. I felt I couldn't really be truthful since they would get insulted and I didn't want to be difficult but I definitely didn't feel as much a part of it and didn't really enjoy the trip since I didn't really have control of anything. I felt the difference as soon as I got home and finally felt in control of my own life again and didn't have to depend on them for making the decisions. Having control definitely makes a difference in your own self-esteem and happiness.
This trip made me realize that a lot of our memories are very selective and we often choose to remember only the positive and ignore the negative. I had always painted the city in a positive light since it was the first place where I had some real friends and I felt a semi-normal teenage years (if there is such a thing). The problem is I forget about all the negative events and when those came flooding back they overwhelmed me (job loss, guilt about my dad living in a different city, friend drama). The city also changed quite a bit and that surprised me since for some reason I keep thinking that everything stayed the way it was and of course things keep changing and not always for the better.
Also for the first time in a long time I felt like an outsider. In the capital I felt like I didn't belong since my native language isn't english or french and I felt like people were judging us, and it wasn't a comfortable feeling, since I didn't really feel canadian anymore. I guess the reason why immigrants move to big cities to be surrounded by their own community is so that they feel accepted, since even though they learn the language, they are never as fluent as the native population and therefore don't feel like they belong. I often take it for granted that I live in such a such a multicultural city and this trip made me appreciate it.
What the trip also made me realize is it takes a family to make a house a home. The house itself doesn't do it. My problem was I felt I could never identify a permanent home since we moved so much but the truth is my identity is not tied to a specific city or house but its tied to our family and wherever we went we made the place a home.
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