The last 2 days have been hard. After a 2-week break I am already overwhelmed, exhausted and am constantly doubting myself. I feel like I cannot control anything anymore, not when I wake up (6am) not when I go to sleep (1-2pm), not my mood (tired), or my life in general.
This all reached a boiling point yesterday, when I lost it...again....probably from the lack of sleep, and the constant stress of school....but the in the middle of the crisis my mom said 'you can't control everything' its amazing how moms have all the answers...
It's a simple message but not an easy one to accept. But the problem is the more we try to control things the less in control we feel, and eventually it all reaches a crisis point in which we have to realize that ultimately we can try to control our lives but they will not turn out exactly the way we want...
Life is about constant change and constant adaptation, and whenever we think we are comfortable in our life something happens that changes everything in a heartbeat.....
I mean 4 years ago.... I had this grand plan of going to a Carribean med school, graduating and becoming a doctor in an underseviced area in north ontario. I already planned everything out, how I was going to live there, go to a residency in US, get the money from my parents....then I started noticing small problems with my plan...
no green card? no problem, I'll just get married there....hard? no problem I'll study very very hard....and so on...until I realized its just not for me.
How I ended up in PT is still a mystery to me, since I didn't know what a PT was 4 years ago let alone thinking about applying to this program, for this knowledge I have a classmate to thank who told me about it and who I will never forget, yet she doesn't even know my name.
It just never get's easier, sometimes I want time to just stop for a few minutes and to get accustomed to the new world but it never does and around the corner there is a new bus to catch that is late, a new condition to learn to assess and treat, a new family emergency, a new condo replacing a park, and new planes flying ever closer to your home. But that is life, and the one thing I have learned in the past 4 months is to expect the unexpected, accept the changes and try to keep living one day to the next and embracing the constant lack of control that makes life interesting.
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