Outside of my comfort zone

I knew that this program would be different but I never knew how challenging it would especially to my preconceived comfort zone and my previous. The things I do now I would never have imagined I could survive 6 months ago.

A bit of background, I was sick a lot when I was little, I actually missed so much school and had such problems adjusting and interacting with others that the school implied I was delayed and my parents were forced to enroll me in a religious school with a smaller ratio. I always had problems interacting with others and I realize that it is just my personality. I am the quiet person that wants to hide at the back. The problem with the school system that I now realize is that it is very passive and not interactive. In most classes we sit, listen the teacher, write notes and then go home. The problem for me was that my english speaking skills never properly developed. I did talk to friends a lot in HS but still not as much as I should have.

University changed me quite a bit. In 1st year I became very severely sick with bronchitis and it months of recovery. I realize now that the bronchitis was aggravated by the fact that I had a unbalanced diet and had severe stress. But after my illness I developed a phobia to anything to do with people. I became a germaphobe and did not even want to talk to people because I was afraid they would have a cold, would get me sick and I would not get better. I would cover my mouth with a scarf whenever I was anywhere near people so that I would not inhale the germs. Needless to say I did not develop a lot of friendships during my undergrad because I was so focused on getting good grades and not getting sick.

So during undergrad, my english communication skills deteriorated since I was not talking to anyone and at home I do not speak english.

My world turned upside down this year. I was forced to talk to other student, ride the transit system daily and at this placement I was forced to interact and communicate with patients, staff, instructors and other students! Going into this program I thought my biggest problems would be my reduced anatomy knowledge or not knowing exercises, but I realized that even though I have some deficits there, my biggest problem are my poor speaking skills.

Every time I open my mouth to speak I feel like I have to use all my available energy to make sure something coherent comes out. I often have trouble finding the words or phrases that my brain so desperately wants to say. When I do speak, I often make grammatical mistakes, and have to quickly correct myself. I am sometimes so nervous that I start to stutter. It is very frustrating, and most people do not understand how much effort it actually takes me to speak. In familiar situations and topics like school I can manage, especially if I have a script in my head. Novel situations become a lot more difficult.

How do I explain to an instructor that I don't know what to say after I said Hi? That it takes me a few seconds to process sarcasm or a joke? That I don't talk because talking to new patients makes me so nervous I start stuttering and my heart palpitations get worse?

If I could hide my deficits before I could no longer hide them in this placement. The weird thing was that my partner who is asian has a lot of the same problems that I do although not to the same degree, and it was comforting to know that it's a lot more common than I thought.

The question now becomes how do I deal with it? I quess in any setting a clinician does develop a script of what to say to a patient and how to interact, it does eventually become easier, but the problem is that takes time and patience, and a lot of instructors don't understand that and find it's easier to provide 'constructive criticism' such as 'poor communication skils' or 'flat affect' when in reality I already know those things and do not need them hammered in.

The instructors also do not realize the progress that I did make, such as not getting sick, coming on time, not falling asleep, not wanting to run the other way anytime anyone coughed, being able to support patients which I was afraid to touch before, being able to express the problems I do have and finally not being so nervous when surrounded be people (social phobia). Most of these things, most people take for granted, but it took me a long time to accomplish these things and yes I do have a lot still to work on, but as with physio, it is a process and Rome wasn't built in a day.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!