So I quess it is official, I am in a relationship! Yes I'm still getting used to that idea and all the ramifications of it, and am starting to get into the idea of 'bf/gf' instead of just 'friend'. Some days I seriously feel like I'm at the mature age of 16 and have my first crush...it is a bit nuts!
Reading over my previous post, I think I have made major strides and accomplished a lot of what I planned to which is pretty good! I have stuck to my new diet, gained back the 3lbs that I lost with the stress and antibiotics, and thankfully my stomach has not complained so far. My work-life balance is getting there, I have started taking Friday's off, which has been a great refresher, and I have been able to at least sleep in and get some more chores done, so that I can actually enjoy the weekend. I have also gained some energy and actually played tennis twice in 1 weekend! Still have to work on daily exercise, but everything is a work in progress.
The biggest thing to conquer was my anxiety and fears...because it was impacting a lot of my life including work, family, happiness and relationship. We actually went to a peace concert, and I found it to be the most beautiful thing I've ever encountered with the most amazing singer! It truly touched my soul, and since then I think I have been able to find some peace and live more in the moment. I recognize my mood and emotions more, and have fewer times when I just blow up. It has been a welcome improvement, and I have learned to gain some distance emotionally at work and not take everything so personally, because it was really starting to take a toll and weigh me down. Now I'm able to look at it as a job, and not need that self-fulfilment and reassurance from every client as I used to need before. A good family friend told me, the trick is to view it as a professional encounter even when it doesn't work out, because working with people can be very draining, and a lot of clients are very demanding, so if I view it as a professional environment, then I know I'm doing my best, but not taking their success and failures personally.
In the relationship, I have also made major strides in terms of my anxiety, it has been a bit of a roller coaster and he can often recognize my emotions and predict my reaction even before I realize them, which is really cool! We are able to communicate a lot better, and I'm not as afraid to say what's on my mind, and try not to take his critiques and criticisms as personally, because a lot of the time, most things do make sense, I just am too lazy to do them. He has also realized what bothers me, and has taken a different approach in trying to get me to do something different and has backed off on a lot of things like clothing, hygiene, because he knows I'm trying to improve myself and its just taking some time. I have in the past weekend, actually completely cleaned my room, and was actually able to vacuum for the first time in a month and that's sort of thanks to him. He was right, when he said, a messy room reflects on a messy and incoherent mind, and my mind was truly a jumbled mess! It is also mutual, because I have made him become aware of his horrible driving habits and impatience, which he is slowly starting to improve...very slowly.
The most important stride, is I have finally been able to achieve a good sexual relationship, where sex isn't painful, and we have actually been able to simultaneously orgasm! Now this took a while and was probably the most frustrating aspect because it took so much time, patience, practice and trust. We have actually taken it to the next level and are trying different positions and locations, which is exciting and fun! Definitely a complete turn around from when I thought I'd never be able to enjoy sex and its something that has to be endured. The funniest thing, is I got my mom, who has not had a great sex life, to become really curious about it, and who is now asking me questions! I think this is definitely where it took him a lot of patience, because he is a really sexual and intimate guy, and I wasn't and was sort of terrified about it all. To go from hyperventilating and only tolerating it for a minute, to being able to go at it for an hour, and achieving orgasm with no alcohol, and no fear in the span of 1.5 months is quite amazing. We have had our own adventures, including waking up in the hotel room after having a bit too much to drink, with sheets covered in wine and blood (remaining hymen). We have also had my mom barge into the house we are staying in while we were still naked in bed (she thankfully didn't come up)! We have also done it in the basement on rugs and a thin blanket, with no lock on the door as a spontaneous thing, and have used my parents condoms (not too thrilled about that part!).
I have a much better understanding of what a relationship and intimacy means, and have learned to take everything I read with a grain of salt, and not discount things before I've tried them, because everyone is different and you might never know what you actually like! I still have a long way to go in accepting myself and my sexuality, as well as re-developing my self-confidence. I'm still not comfortable with who I am, and therefore it is hard for me to make any long-term plans. I have avoided thinking about them, because of the amount of turbulence our initial relationship has had and I'm just not comfortable with that thought yet...but he is starting to make long-term vacation plans, and we have actually joked about how crazy it would be if we did move in together! It's not that those plans scare me or that I want something different, it's just that I don't quite know what I do want, and it will take me a while longer to figure out, before I can commit to something long-term. It's funny because I have met 7 of his friends already, and they have all liked me and mentioned that I have good energy....they also told him not to screw it up, which I found quite funny!
Let's see, in terms of my work, I've realized I'm not happy where I am, and what I truly want is to work in a larger clinic and receive some mentorship, so I finally got the courage to start applying to new positions, and not feel guilty for leaving this one. It is so far going well, and I have a 3rd interview at one clinic which I'm hoping will work out, so will keep my fingers crossed!
I can't say everything is perfect, as I'm not quite getting as much sleep as I need, and sometimes average about 6hours/night, which is far from enough. Also because I'm going out a lot, I'm finding its hard to find the time and energy to focus on my course, which is sort of important and expensive. I'm also not quite there with taking over some of the household chores, but I'm making small strides, like trying to make sure my room is at least semi-tidy and can be vaccumed regularly. I now have a lock on my door, so if I need privacy, I can actually lock it, which has been helpful on a number of occasions! We have also installed another bookshelf, to deal with the massive amounts of physio books and materials I need to somehow organize! The most interesting thing, is I have also started driving in the mornings to one of my workplaces and so far, its actually going well! No accidents, and minimal anxiety. I'm really trying to also improve my timing, and not been late for work, which is also something I'm working on.
So hope you've enjoyed the update! I really want to document my journey more, but then I really won't have any time to sleep! It's sort of funny how sending one message on a dating site can change my life and turn it completely upside down! The great thing is I'm actually enjoying the adventure!!
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