The frustrations of online dating

It is taking me all the energy that I have to not just quit this whole online dating thing. I can’t even begin to describe how frustrating this whole process is. Today I read about one female took it to a new level to understand what the heck the guys are looking for in a profile and then made a checklist and anyone with less than 700 points would be off the list!

http://forward.com/articles/170925/hacking-jdate-to-find-the-perfect-jewish-hubby/?p=all

After my own frustrations I can see why people go to some of these extremes. I mean I’ve made my profile very very generic, light and positive and have tried to choose the best pictures I have, and I don’t know what else I can do to attract the guys I would actually be compatible with. I’m not even talking about physical attraction, but in terms of similar interests, values and some basic physical attraction. I’ve realized that what I’m really looking for is a life-long friend that I can talk to by being myself instead of continuing to feel like I have to someone else and acquire a different personality to match theirs like I do at work.

The main problem for me, is that I’m not that interested In intimacy right off the bat, and I am a bit of a tomboy, and do not really enjoy wearing makeup, dresses and high heels, so I think that right away eliminates a huge pool of guys that would be interested. Being close to my family and having a semi-demanding job doesn’t help matters. Now don’t get me wrong I have adapted quite a bit, and now dress up for most dates, make sure to appear nice, and wear basic makeup. But I can’t completely alter who I truly am, because I’ve realized I’d be miserable in that kind of relationship and it just wouldn’t work.

The other problem is intimacy. What I would want ideally, I’ve realized after my dating escapade doesn’t exist. You can’t have everything and any relationship takes a lot of compromise. Ideally for me, would be a relationship with a really basic level of intimacy until I get comfortable and solve my anxiety issues, but for guys it doesn’t work that way. For them the physical attraction and connection is very important, and most for some reason have this variable rule of sex on the 3-5^th date, unless they’re religious. To me this hard rule doesn’t make sense, and in general makes me quite frustrated, as its an arbitrary number and should be adjusted depending on the person, but they seem to right away almost evaluate how quickly they can get you into bed, and if its gonna take too long, they give up and move on.

I’ve definitely grown after going on so many dates, and don’t take it as personally as I used to, and I do understand it is a numbers game, and the more people you go out with, the more likelihood you’ll find someone you’re compatible with, but it definitely get’s exhausting after a while. After a certain period of time, I start to wonder whether it is worth it. I’m finally at the point where I am emotionally stable, can control my moods, have a good job, and can almost enjoy life…I continue this craziness because of society’s expectation that we should all have a partner, and we should get married and have kids…where this came from I have no idea, as the earth is overpopulated anyway! Maybe Hollywood is to blame, as we have this image in our head of what a perfect relationship looks like, and even though we all know real life doesn’t work like that, and can’t have a quick wrap-up ending in 2 hours, we look at it as the ideal and strive to go for that image. I mean relationships are hard! I couldn’t believe it, but a number of people I met my age, have already been married and divorced! Or they’ve been in very long-term relationships and then something happened and they went their separate ways.

I really do wish I could say, now that I’m done school and have a job and am more or less settled that I’m happy. But it’s far from the truth. I’m not miserable and very sleep-deprived and don’t feel like a zombie anymore now that I have some control over my own schedule…I feel I’m more stable…and I’m not as afraid of everything as I was before and actually have gone out and explored a lot in the past few months including a rib-fest, orthodox wedding, many restaurants, a Caribbean festival, bowling, tennis, mini-golf, movies, zip-lining, and sailing, as well as now having the amazing chance of getting to know my nephew! For most people, these activities are nothing out of the ordinary, but for me, I’ve truly been able to conquer my anxiety regarding being in big groups, public places and meeting many many new people.

I’m feeling much more rested and relaxed, but the thing is I’m sort of restless and bored. I feel my life has become a boring routine, get up, go to work, work, come home, sleep. As anyone can understand, all jobs become routine after a while, and I feel like mine has also become routine, I can almost shut my brain down and not think about anything, and tend to repeat the same script I’ve developed for different conditions. I literally feel like a robot. Definitely better than feeling like a zombie, or constantly being sick and having asthma/panic attacks..but still far from ideal.

I have to say I really shouldn’t complain, and am very very lucky to be where I am today. We have a lot of choices and we take everything for granted. Places like Syria and Egypt where women have much fewer rights and freedom of speech as well as a full on civil war where they worry about the basic necessities of life like food and water, and having no electricity.

As frustrated as I get, I will keep trying this crazy new dating world, and at the very least, I’ll have some more great stories to share if nothing else! 

Dating Experiment and an Incompatible Sex Drive

Wow, my dating experiment has definitely been quite exhausting but at the same time unique, educational and eye-opening. I’ve been on 12 first dates and 20 total dates in 2 months, I wanted to reach 20 in 3 months, but will fall a bit short. Before you think I have completely lost it, and was another crazy person, I have gone out on these dates to see if I could meet some people and maybe find someone I like and start a more serious relationship. I am not a serial dater, and do not give anyone the wrong idea, I am completely honest from the start that I want to be friends first, and would only be willing to go further after a couple of dates, so to not lead anyone on, because based on my own past experiences its important for me to be honest.

Now back to my experiment. I had a couple of sources including set-ups from friends, matchmakers, as well as 2 different online dating websites (1 paid, 1 free). For 9 out of the 12 guys, the initial meeting didn’t progress into anything more than a coffee/dinner date, and it was either mutual, or I felt we had absolutely nothing in common and would not work. I learned a lot of different interesting things that I never really knew about including the fact that there are a lot of people buying one-way tickets to Mars, and some people believe that in the next 100 years (if we don’t self-destruct), there will be a human colony living underground on Mars and there will be a tourist elevator that will take future space travellors to discover the wonderful air-free planet that Mars is in only a day of travel. Hey, what do I know, I mean I still envision flying cars and skateboards.

I’ve also learned that some people can easily spend 5K on a watch and not even think about it, as well as change jobs from a chef to an insurance salesperson, or from a stock-broker to helping create an event planning site, or accounting to acting. I actually started thinking, hmm..I should try acting, it can’t be that hard, I mean I do it every day anyway!

The more interesting parts of my experiment were of course with people I figured I could stand for more than 1 date and see if anything could come out of it. There were 3 of those, and 2 are still ongoing, but the 1 was the most unique. This was a guy who had recently (3 years ago) came to Canada, and let’s say there are different cultural variations on dating which was sort of a revelation for me! In Eastern Europe, the culture varies quite a bit, the guys are a bit more on the aggressive side, and although they are willing to pay for everything (to the point of getting insulted if you even offer), bring flowers, open doors, act very gentleman like, and are not afraid of a commitment, there are some catches that I quickly realized.

 First off they are quite pushy and are used to getting what they want, they want to control everything, they want a commitment from you right from the start and want to go out very frequently (every other day!). This is where it got crazy. The guy was calling (not texting) every day, even when I warned him that I work late and my phone doesn’t always work. He kept calling, leaving messages and getting annoyed that I don’t answer!! When I tried to explain that I don’t have good reception at one of the places I work at, and work long-hours, he said I should find a break and call him then! I mean it is unacceptable for him not to be able to reach me! Let me explain that this was after the 2^nd date and we were only going out for 3 days! Next, even knowing that I have a busy work schedule didn’t phase him, I mean I could always come and go out after work right? Trying to explain that I work 10hour days, and all I want to do in the end is sleep, apparently didn’t work, I mean I should of course, work more reasonable hours and he should be my number 1 priority! Not to mention that he was on at home call for sometimes as long as a week, and his solution would be that I should come over to his place to hang out, in between him getting work calls!

Now this would all be tolerable, if it wasn’t for the fact that we have completely incompatible sex drives! I didn’t realize this is a critical factor until this mini relationship. Let me explain, I have very low desire in general, and am still a virgin, and it took me a while to even get used to hugs, let alone being intimate which I’m still getting used to. This guy, was sleeping with people from 15, and felt I was a very strange person! I mean how is it possible not to want to have sex! His solution would be to go for a vacation somewhere and show me what I’ve been missing all these years....which would be fine for some people, but that did not get me in the mood at all. All I could think about was getting some sort of STD and lots of pain. I think the biggest problem was that he wanted to do it right away and as many times a day as possible, which is very normal for most people, but for me I found very aggressive and my body resisted everything because he was not gentle at all.

After a week I realized it’s really not going to work, and he was driving me crazy, and I tried to explain that I wanted to take it much much slower, and was not interested in anything serious at the moment, which really surprised him, and he mentioned that its either a relationship or nothing, no friends option! Apparently this is standard? As they find it too confusing? Which is fine, I said it wasn’t going to work, and we should go our separate ways, but yet this took a whole hour on the phone!

Now of course, with the recent 2 that I’m still in touch with, it is the complete opposite! One is out of the city, and we email once every 3 days and meet up 2X/month. The other one is similar except he lives in the city! I can’t say I feel the magical ‘spark’ with anyone, so at this point, I’ve stopped looking for it, and have lowered my expectations quite a bit. All I’m looking for, is a normal relationship, where I won’t be pressured into doing things I’m not comfortable with, and where we’re good friends, can enjoy each other’s company and can do activities that we both enjoy around the city, I mean is that too much to ask?

I’ve actually gone so far, as to see a therapist to see if there’s something truly wrong with me and my desire, and her reply, was that everyone is different, and that some experiences shape who you are and people value different things. Her best advice was to find someone patient, that is willing to take the time to get to know me, and explore instead of rushing into something, because that will not help me at all.

Through all this, I realized, that I just have to keep trying to find someone and not settle with the first guy that is interested. I am different, I do have my own baggage, and issues I’m trying to resolve, but that just means I’m different, and if a guy is not willing to offer me respect and patience, then he’s not worth it. All I know for sure, is this dating thing Is not easy. 

Trying to change my dating strategy

It's amazing how a crush can completely make your psyche turn to complete and utter mush, and turn your world upside down. The pain to know that someone you're interested in is not interested in you is unbearable. It's almost like an alien takes over my brain and makes me completely useless!

I'm trying to forget about him, and stay distracted, as I do have a lot of other stuff I need to be doing, but it's hard..I still keep checking my phone impulsively, thinking he'll message and that he's truly interested, but I know that he's not. It's gotten so bad that I started falling asleep at work and having concentration issues, so I really do need to snap out of it badly and soon...it's definitely not easy to work and date at the same time, really does wear down on you and makes you even more exhausted.

Ohh well..I'll snap out of it hopefully very soon, because its causing me to be quite miserable...plus its draining on my family, and if that wasn't enough, my stomach issues are beginning to rear their ugly head.

I keep trying to figure out, if having a relationship is truly worth all this pain, mood swings and dating experiences. I'm told that the high of being in a committed relationship and the love that goes along with it is the best feeling in the world....except the only problem is I only feel pain, and haven't gotten to the love part of it.

I've been trying to take the advice of some of my guy friends as well as online help forums, where they advise to see a date as just an informal meeting between 2 people, instead of right away analyzing whether they are the one or not. I always tend to do that, and to always think, will this lead to something long-term? Is there a spark? I think the problem is I'm putting too much emphasis and pressure on a single date, which is just what it is. A meeting that might or might not lead to a second meeting. Right away, my brain starts fast forwarding to 10 years into the future instead of just enjoying the now, and not looking into the future. Then of course I start blaming myself that I should have behaved differently, or dressed better. When the reality can be that they guy is just pre-occupied with other tasks, has no idea what they want, or is just not interested in a relationship at the moment.

The one thing I have learned is not to chase after a person who is not interested. It is better to just let it go, even though not knowing is very tough. I think tomorrow, on another one of my infamous blind dates, I'll try to keep an open mind and just try to enjoy the date instead of thinking 10 steps ahead, and looking at it, as a chance to meet another interesting person in this big world we live in!

Dating is Not easy

Now I remember why I gave up on dating before, it was the whole frustration and pain that made me wish I would be single for the rest of my life!

As the job aspects in my life have sort of settled down, I decided why don’t I try dating for a bit, explore my options? I mean I don’t really have anything to lose, right? I’m more mature now, and hopefully better able to deal with rejection and pain in general…which is sort of true…except its still very frustrating and painful..

After going on 7 blind dates in the past 2 months, I am exhausted! Out of the 7, there are only 2 where I felt we had some sort of compatibility, and only 1 to whom I was actually interested in…the other 5…well, let’s just say I can’t stand starbucks anymore.  

It has gotten to the point, where I’m actually dreading on going on anymore dates! Where are all these coming from? Well, 3 online dating sites + match ups through friends and neighbours…I keep thinking, I should be grateful to be an eligible bachelorette, but honestly I just want to hide under a rock somewhere!

One of these dates was actually really funny, I already knew we didn’t have anything in

common, and the guy was bold enough to ask in the car, how I thought the date went!

After a couple of minutes of being in utter shock, I was honest and said that I thought it

wasn’t going to quite work, he actually said that he has a friend who would be perfect

for me! I was like, wow, this is not exactly how I expected the date to go. The funny

thing was that I agreed, met his friend who turned out to be really nice and actually

compatible, and then he doesn’t message the day after. 

This is all just as I’m getting control of everything else in my life, I’m trying to disrupt

it with this crazy dating experience…the reason I stopped, was because the emotions

got too raw and painful, and I couldn’t actually control them at one point and became

quite depressed. I am in a much better place at the moment, and can deal with my

emotional side in a more productive and timely manner (ie: hide and suppress all

emotions for a period of time and focus on work), but it’s easy for the feelings to get

the best of me, especially when I actually like someone, which is very very rare.

In one way, it’s a good test, and has shown me that I have come a long way and can

deal with these things a lot better than I used to. I don’t try to withdraw anymore, and

actually talk to a couple of friends about it, so that it doesn’t get the best of me. That’s

always a better way, as then, they can be my rational compass, when I become

irrational! I’m still working on stopping over-analyzing every move I make, because

I’ve realized that makes me lose it, and is also not a healthy way of dealing with things.

Finally, I try to be myself on dates instead of pretending to be someone I’m not,

because otherwise I’m fooling no one but myself, as my real personality comes out

eventually anyway, as I can only pretend for so long.

I’m continuing to realize just how hard it is to find someone, as both people have to

actually like each other and get along, which after all these blind dates is seeming to be

impossible! I also have come to dislike pof and all mirror pictures with a passion!

I will continue being optimistic and thinking that there is a perfect match for everyone,

but it sure does get frustrating after a while! I will take the advice of a good friend and

try to see the positive aspect of all these dates and just look at it, as a way to meet lots

of new crazy people and have great stories to share afterward!

Letting go and not feeling guilty about the decisions I’ve made.

I’ve really been struggling over the past couple of days to focus on studying, and I realized the major problem is I feel like my mind is still at my old job and I feel very guilty about leaving. I’m the type of person that obsesses constantly about the things I choose to do, and its been hard because there have been so many changes in the past month that I haven’t really had time to process and accept them.

                  

I really shouldn’t feel guilty at all about leaving, because there were so many problems that now I’m surprised at myself that I actually lasted 6 months there. I really wanted to publish a post I write that was actually 4 pages long regarding how many problems there actually were and why I left, but to shorten it, the major deciding factor in the end was billing issues, and the major concern I had was that I could potentially lose my license or get a record and it wouldn’t be over something I had done wrong, but the fraudulent billing by the clinic. That was the issue that made me wake up from my reality and give my notice. I’m still terrified that they’re billing something under my name that I didn’t do…that’s how bad it got. But the owner made me feel so bad and guilty that its almost like I somehow betrayed her for leaving when in reality I followed all the standard protocol. The only thing I left out was the real reason I’m leaving and basically made it seem all about the crazy commuting (which was a major issue, but wasn’t the main one).

The truth is, for some reason when companies take new grads and train them, as well as sign some forms, they feel like they’re doing you a big favour, and in return you owe them a lifetime of loyalty and servitude. This is what the manager thought she was getting, and I of course tried my best to act as if I knew nothing about business and am really a naïve new grad that will do anything to please everyone and agree with everything they say… well… apparently I was a very good actor and they didn’t realize that I had enough life experience under my belt (ie: screwed multiple times) that I knew I don’t owe a company anything as they would fire me the minute I stopped being the person I pretended to be. They didn’t keep me informed about the political issues and tried to hide them, but they forgot to realize that there is a lot of gossip in every company and I’ve learned a lot from that. I also developed a lot of detective skills, and therefore was able to get a lot more information about the real issues when I did some detective work myself when no one was looking.

At some point, I realized that working for free, destroying my hands, and being very stressed as well as possibly getting a record was worse than burning a bridge and enduring the wrath of a manager. A week after the whole thing blew over, I definitely don’t regret it! The only thing I do regret was possibly not giving an earlier notice, but honestly I only had the one unstable job at the that point, and really did think about making it work, but as the other job fell into my lap, I knew I couldn’t pass it up, and really gave my notice the next day.

I think the one thing that has been a commending theme with me, is that I have to stop taking on other people’s problems and blaming myself, because I will go crazy and have enough problems of my own! It is not my problem if and when they find another person to take over my very part-time position, and whether they lose clients in the process…. It is their choice to do bad billing, see 4 patients/hour and keep people waiting for an hour for their appointment. They put me through a lot of stress and even though they did train me, I put in a lot of unpaid time as well. I am an employee and I do have the right to change jobs with a given notice and I did just that. I do have the right to pursue better opportunities for my career and for my life and I am not going to keep feeling guilty for that.

I am going thinking about it, and I will attempt to focus on the actual problems I do have such as a very important exam that is coming in 2 weeks for which I am not prepared at all! That should ultimately, be the only problem right now, and I will put all the other ones on the back burner and will deal with them when the time comes! 

Job opportunities and regret

It’s funny because even though I have 2 part-time jobs, I’m actually looking with envy at all the other job opportunities I’ve passed up! I think I truly have lost it, I mean I’m already working 6 days/week in 2 good clinics, how the heck, can I think about working more…

                             

I think the problem is I want too much too soon….I have only been registered for 3 months, I’m only turning 25, and already I’m thinking about opening my own clinic, working with doctors….it is a little nuts. After my last job, I think I need a little time to decompress, and regain some of the confidence I’ve lost, before I jump into something even more challenging. I look at the successful clinics around my area, and it kills me that I can’t join in on the action, but….I need save some capital….as well as gain some more experience working with normal people and how to establish those very important connections.

I should be thankful for the opportunities I have, because my friends who are in the hospital industry, are living contract to contract and once your contract expires, it could take months before you get another one. So my 2 part-time jobs which right now stands at 40hours, and will most likely increase to 60 hours in the next couple of weeks, is quite crazy as it is. They both pay really well, and I’m not forced to see a lot of patients which means I can save my hands.

I have to look at it in a different way….first off, out of the offers I did get, these 2 are the better ones….I’m thankfully done with my previous job and my license is indeed intact. Yes there is a possibility that I could have gotten another offer or two, but those are possibilities, and I might have not gotten them, and who knows if I’m seriously ready for those type of crazy work environments yet….I need to build up my experience a bit more before I jump in.

To be honest, I can’t believe the huge number of job opportunities there actually are at the moment. It seems like there is a shortage in the private sector, which is a little insane to me! When all the other industries are in decline, I quess people are still willing to spend money on rehab!

The main issue I’m facing right now is I have an exam in 2 weeks and I can’t seem to force myself to actually study for it, which is scaring me a bit. I never realized just how difficult it is, to memorize useless information after you’ve started working and know how useless all this info is! I know that I don’t use any of this, and that makes it that much harder to actually concentrate and memorize because it is so boring! The other problem, is of course that I’m working, and I’m not used to working and studying at the same time. I’m used to just focusing on studying, trying to combine the two is a bit more challenging than I initially anticipated.. one of the reasons is because my brain is thinking about work, and all the things I need to research and get done there… and trying to divide my concentration is a tad challenging. Even my strategy of attempting to study at night isn’t working, because I’m so exhausted I just fall asleep.

I think I need a new strategy, because I know if I were to study for 12-14 hours straight, I could get a lot done, because there really isn’t that much information and it’s not that new, it’s just I have to get through it. So I need to set myself a reward… for every 2 hours that I study, I will get to eat a snack, but only if I actually study for 2 hours. I will also set myself a goal of reading 200 pages in 1 day, that means 200/12=20 pages an hour…a page in 3 minutes…yes I know a little intense, but I really really need to get through this information because I’m quickly running out of time. So tomorrow I’m going to shut myself in my room, and literally read from 8am-12pm (16hours) with a couple of breaks for food and try to get through as much as I can. Then I will hopefully get 5hours on Monday (6-12pm) to continue studying and another 4 hours on Tuesday (10-2pm) and 4 hours Wednesday (8-12pm), Thursday and Friday. That means no more computer for the next 2 weeks, no more news to distract me, unless I badly need a break.. and if I’m really getting stuck on a page, I need to just highlight as much as I can and move on, because I just don’t have the time to spend on it. Hopefully this strategy works and then I will survive the next 2 weeks without looking like a complete zombie again!

Now then, no more posts for 2 weeks! 

New jobs and new life

Wow, what a difference a couple of days make! I didn’t realize how much stress and pressure there was in my previous jobs, I feel like a much happier person, now that I finally finished with it, and even though, I’m going to be working 6 days a week, the jobs are a lot closer, and have much more reasonable hours so I actually feel like a normal human being instead of being a night worker that comes home at 11pm.

                                                

Everyone is noticing, that I seem more relaxed, not as anxious, as well as more confident and not as stressed, frustrated and not communicable. I feel like a large weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My acne and breakouts have become much less and a lot more manageable, my nerve pain in the foot has gone, and I’m working on stabilizing the instability that’s developed in my ankle after 2 work related bad ankle sprains. I feel like no one is breathing down my neck about some ridiculous uncompleted paperwork that I need to get done, no more tracking patients, and trying to convince them to come back when they have no desire to and no more calling insurance companies to try to get more funding. No more 6 cancellations/no shows out of 12 patients in on day (the day off) and no more patients being 30minutes to 2 hours late! Also no more 4hours of commuting a day! It definitely feels like a breath of fresh air that I’m actually able to be home by 7:30pm or 8 and not 11 that I have gotten used to, and I’m definitely a lot less exhausted because the clients don’t suck out all the energy that I have, as I can keep a more professional distance and they’re not as clingy which is nice. 

This is what I imagined working would be like, I didn’t realize that the past 6 months, mostly felt like an extension of my placement and I still felt like a student that has to constantly report to her mentor. Now that I got the job as an independently registered professional, I feel more like a professional, and more responsible for my actions but I’m also viewed differently by the employers. I can’t say, my skill set is any different, but I am more confident in general, and can better pretend that I know what I’m talking about, even though most of the time I truly have no idea whether the treatment is working, whether the intensity is too high, and whether I should stop. In one of the clinics there is a lot of great equipment, which I have a very basic understanding of as we learned nothing about laser or radial shockwave at school, and I’m basically learning as I got, which is definitely one way of learning, but I do sometimes I could get some more guidance, but hey it definitely challenges me and is quite interesting. That’s what I wanted out of a job, I did not want to be the billing and administrative assistant that deals with insurance companies. I wanted to be the therapist, and I wasn’t getting that opportunity in my job, and I’m very thrilled to finally get that chance.

I’m also self-employed in my new jobs, and honestly I like it a lot more. Some people like the stability of a regular paycheque, and the 37.5hours/week, but to me it was suffocating. I felt like because I was an employee, they owned me, and I had to ask permission about every tiny little thing. Now, as I’m independent, if I want I can take a couple of hours or days off if needed without much fuss and mayhem. I can choose to work 12 hour days and as I’m currently choosing 40hours which will hopefully build up to 50-60hours in a couple of weeks (a little crazy but I’ll take it).

It’s definitely different and challenging to jump into something completely unknown, but it is also quite exciting and so far I’m enjoying it! I need to challenge myself and that’s the best way to learn and to advance my own skills which I need to do if I want to continue developing as a therapist.