So in continuation from my previous post, my granfather's strange spells continued and got worse even after stopping the pred and the atropine. The last episode being coughing, shortness of breath, slurred speech, dizziness, and was again relieved by nitroglycerin.
Now I did some more research and realized that stroke is not really relieved by nitro..and the shortness of breath and coughing, as well as symptoms relieved by nitro is more likely to be related to a heart problem, the only thing that didn't add up was the slurred speech....
So a bit more research and what I realized was that the glaucoma eye drops that he was prescribed to decrease his IOP, are actually vasoconstrictors......and in cases where the person has pre-existing heart conditions can cause worsening angina and even heart attacks.....
It finally makes sense, the slurred speech was most likely related to the vasoconstriction of blood vessels in the brain. The drops caused the vasoconstriction which then caused decreased blood flow and decreased oxygen and thereby caused the slurred speech.
In fact, there is a warning to carefully prescribe these drops to people with heart issues. The interesting thing is that most likely all doctors that we go to will deny this and say there is no effect whatsoever, and that something else is causing the symptoms.
So now we are sort of stuck with a dilemma, is the glaucoma a bigger problem than a heart attack?
To most people the answer is simple, since he already doesn't have any vision in his eye anyway and was living with this condition for 3+ years and we've managed to stabilize it, what's the point of treating it right? I mean the reduced IOP is definitely not worth the (higher) risk of a heart attack. Now if only we could find a doctor to whom we could actually explain things to and possibly find a solution...yeah that's a fantasy.
There are other options available such as laser treatment which was fairly effective when it was done the one time, but now we'll need to find a new optho since the old one basically kicked us out. Surgery is another option but there are too many complications.
So now we're back to where we were before, me trying to be House and figure out the causes of the severe symptoms that he's experiencing and whether they could be side effects from the medication and how to manage them. At the same time not having a doctor with whom we can actually figure out what we're supposed to do to decrease his IOP yet not have a heart attack at the same time. Yep I love the medical system.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
The type of doctors that make my blood boil
Now I'm not trying to generalize and I know there are good and bad people in every profession (including physio) but, it just seems that more and more meeting good doctors is the exception not the rule and it makes me more frustrated since I then have to play the pretend to be the doctor game.
So, my grandfather is older, has a couple a prexisting heart issues and had a stroke a long time ago, but is otherwise generally healthy (lives independently on his own). Now a few weeks ago, we noticed that his eye got red and swollen, he was complaining of a headache and he couldn't sleep at night. Well we went to the family doc, who spent us to emerg, who then got a referral to optho emerg, diagnosis? severe glaucoma, prob acute angle glaucoma. So the emerg optho (really nice) gave some drops, and sent us on our way to the regular clinic opthalmologist. Here is where the trouble began....
So, let me start by saying my grandfather is not the most cooperative person, and is scared when something is shoved in his eye (no reason whatsoever). So when the optho tried to do anything he would close his eye and become scared. Eventually he managed to do an injection in his eye, and then changed a lot of the drops assigned by the previous optho including adding prednisolone.....anybody see any problems?
Now really there shouldn't have been any real problems, now let me say that at this point, the eye was no longer inflamed and there was no blood in the eye. So we dutifully continued using the prednisolone, and the next appointment after a frustrating session the optho manages to penetrate with a laser and miraculously my grandfather starts seeing out of the corner of his eye. This was fairly miraculous given that he hasn't seen anything for 2 years...
Now it's been 3 weeks, and he continues to take all the 5 different drops including prednisolone (4times/day) and atropine to try to reduce the pressure and the inflammation, and we dutifully continue thinking that the doctor is the expert and we obviously don't know anything.
Then yesterday, abruptly he looses his balance, falls, and starts having slurred speech....you're probably thinking the same thing I am, stroke.
So I think fast, check that he hasn't used his nitro patch today, put 2 patches on him, give him 2 sprays from his nitro bottle, and give 2 aspirins. Thankfully within seconds his speech normalizes and he regain his balance and mobility. Now of course according to standard protocol, we should have called 911 but we have enough experience to know, that in cases of mild TIA the medics and hospitals do nothing except a CT scan which is negative, yes tPA could be used but in general its only used in severe strokes since the risk of bleeding is too high.
So we started investigating what could have caused this interesting and terrifying scenario and I realized my grandmother had a similar scenario after a cataract surgery and was using a lot of eye drops....then we realized that the pred and the atropine aren't supposed to used for such a long time especially if the inflammation has gone......
So we decided to stop using the drops since it's been 3 weeks, there is no inflammation and its obviously doing more harm then good. Now of course, following protocol we're supposed to go talk to the doctor before cancelling meds.....yes of course....well luckily we had a appointment the next day.
Now let me say, this is a busy doctor, really busy, the one who has the 5 minute appointments. So the tech measures the pressure it has dropped, then puts in atropine, he remeasures it..and its high again. We try to explain and ask about our concerns regarding the massive amount of drops he's on, and the risks of using them for such a long time, he disregards those concerns, and tells us that he can't help us since his pressure is still 'high'. Then he tells us he is discharging us from his service and refers us to an eye surgeon.....of course not before telling us that we're idiots, our english is bad, and we don't know anything.
Yes ladies and gentleman, this is a real life account of a highly regarded optho. Now thankfully we have given up a long time ago on trusting doctors for good reason, but hoped that for once we'd be proven wrong.....yeah not going to happen.
I can't even begin to say how many errors this so called optho made, from not cancelling pred which is supposed to be used temporarily, to not understanding the simple fact that atropine raises the IOP and that his measurement was indeed wrong. In addition to completely dismissing all of our concerns and dismissing us from his practice because my grandfather is a supposedly difficult patient, and then recommending a dangerous surgery that is not needed and could cause further complication.
I mean, I get that docs are stressed, overworked, tired, and sometimes make mistakes. But to be this negligent and egotistic is unacceptable, if it wasn't for our quick thinking with the nitro my grandfather could have had permanent brain damage and it shouldn't be up to me to research, understand every medication that is prescribed, their contraindications and then have to decide what meds can be cancelled to prevent more side effects.
There are so many conditions and complications in older adults that can be prevented if docs just thought, is this condition worth treating? Do the risks outweigh the benefits? What kind of counteractions can this med have with all the other meds the person is taking? Should the doses and length of treatment be adjusted for the older adult? What kind of things should the family watch out for?
This and previous negative experiences have unfortunately caused me to never truly trust what docs say and give, since misdiagnosis is quite common, and so is overmedication. I have not once received an honest answer from a doc on the question of 'what kind of side effects should I watch out for' and 'what are the serious side effects from this med'.
Now let me reiterate again, I'm not generalizing and I know there are some really good docs out there that really care about patients and try their best to give them the best possible care, but unfortunately I haven't had a lot of good experiences, and have lost count of the number of times something was misdiagnosed.
So, my grandfather is older, has a couple a prexisting heart issues and had a stroke a long time ago, but is otherwise generally healthy (lives independently on his own). Now a few weeks ago, we noticed that his eye got red and swollen, he was complaining of a headache and he couldn't sleep at night. Well we went to the family doc, who spent us to emerg, who then got a referral to optho emerg, diagnosis? severe glaucoma, prob acute angle glaucoma. So the emerg optho (really nice) gave some drops, and sent us on our way to the regular clinic opthalmologist. Here is where the trouble began....
So, let me start by saying my grandfather is not the most cooperative person, and is scared when something is shoved in his eye (no reason whatsoever). So when the optho tried to do anything he would close his eye and become scared. Eventually he managed to do an injection in his eye, and then changed a lot of the drops assigned by the previous optho including adding prednisolone.....anybody see any problems?
Now really there shouldn't have been any real problems, now let me say that at this point, the eye was no longer inflamed and there was no blood in the eye. So we dutifully continued using the prednisolone, and the next appointment after a frustrating session the optho manages to penetrate with a laser and miraculously my grandfather starts seeing out of the corner of his eye. This was fairly miraculous given that he hasn't seen anything for 2 years...
Now it's been 3 weeks, and he continues to take all the 5 different drops including prednisolone (4times/day) and atropine to try to reduce the pressure and the inflammation, and we dutifully continue thinking that the doctor is the expert and we obviously don't know anything.
Then yesterday, abruptly he looses his balance, falls, and starts having slurred speech....you're probably thinking the same thing I am, stroke.
So I think fast, check that he hasn't used his nitro patch today, put 2 patches on him, give him 2 sprays from his nitro bottle, and give 2 aspirins. Thankfully within seconds his speech normalizes and he regain his balance and mobility. Now of course according to standard protocol, we should have called 911 but we have enough experience to know, that in cases of mild TIA the medics and hospitals do nothing except a CT scan which is negative, yes tPA could be used but in general its only used in severe strokes since the risk of bleeding is too high.
So we started investigating what could have caused this interesting and terrifying scenario and I realized my grandmother had a similar scenario after a cataract surgery and was using a lot of eye drops....then we realized that the pred and the atropine aren't supposed to used for such a long time especially if the inflammation has gone......
So we decided to stop using the drops since it's been 3 weeks, there is no inflammation and its obviously doing more harm then good. Now of course, following protocol we're supposed to go talk to the doctor before cancelling meds.....yes of course....well luckily we had a appointment the next day.
Now let me say, this is a busy doctor, really busy, the one who has the 5 minute appointments. So the tech measures the pressure it has dropped, then puts in atropine, he remeasures it..and its high again. We try to explain and ask about our concerns regarding the massive amount of drops he's on, and the risks of using them for such a long time, he disregards those concerns, and tells us that he can't help us since his pressure is still 'high'. Then he tells us he is discharging us from his service and refers us to an eye surgeon.....of course not before telling us that we're idiots, our english is bad, and we don't know anything.
Yes ladies and gentleman, this is a real life account of a highly regarded optho. Now thankfully we have given up a long time ago on trusting doctors for good reason, but hoped that for once we'd be proven wrong.....yeah not going to happen.
I can't even begin to say how many errors this so called optho made, from not cancelling pred which is supposed to be used temporarily, to not understanding the simple fact that atropine raises the IOP and that his measurement was indeed wrong. In addition to completely dismissing all of our concerns and dismissing us from his practice because my grandfather is a supposedly difficult patient, and then recommending a dangerous surgery that is not needed and could cause further complication.
I mean, I get that docs are stressed, overworked, tired, and sometimes make mistakes. But to be this negligent and egotistic is unacceptable, if it wasn't for our quick thinking with the nitro my grandfather could have had permanent brain damage and it shouldn't be up to me to research, understand every medication that is prescribed, their contraindications and then have to decide what meds can be cancelled to prevent more side effects.
There are so many conditions and complications in older adults that can be prevented if docs just thought, is this condition worth treating? Do the risks outweigh the benefits? What kind of counteractions can this med have with all the other meds the person is taking? Should the doses and length of treatment be adjusted for the older adult? What kind of things should the family watch out for?
This and previous negative experiences have unfortunately caused me to never truly trust what docs say and give, since misdiagnosis is quite common, and so is overmedication. I have not once received an honest answer from a doc on the question of 'what kind of side effects should I watch out for' and 'what are the serious side effects from this med'.
Now let me reiterate again, I'm not generalizing and I know there are some really good docs out there that really care about patients and try their best to give them the best possible care, but unfortunately I haven't had a lot of good experiences, and have lost count of the number of times something was misdiagnosed.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Feeling better in some ways, worse in others..
It's definitely been a busy week. I'm definitely feeling better (mentally at least) from my last post, which now seems to be a very long time ago.
First update, I passed my neuro unit! I only found out today, which I was stressing about for the last 2 weeks but that's another story. It is definitely a huge weight off my shoulders as I was seriously scared that I didn't do well, since the last test involved a lot of short answers (which I despise). I was basically writing the first thing that came to my brain, and after discussing the answers (bad idea) with some classmates realized that my answers were seriously lacking content. Should learn by now not to discuss answers...since it just leads to more anxiety.
Moving on...the next big thing that happened was I started going to a new Jewish philosophical type course with people my own age, and it turned out I really liked it, and actually learned quite a bit. The course solidified my fears that indeed I don't know what I want out of life...sort of scary, but at the same time at least now that I know the problem I can work on trying to solve it. I've realized that a lot of people share the same issues that I've been rambling and complaining about and there are no simple or concrete answers. I've been trying to find simple solutions and in fact there aren't any...so simple eh? I'll try to make a separate post about some of these interesting philosophies a little later.
The good news continued as I found out that I got a rehab placement for my neuro internship. You would think that as PT's in a big city with lots of rehab centres we would get rehab placements but that is apparently not true. In fact some people might not even get one 'true' rehab placement within their education, which is not really fair as others might get more than 2. What many people do not realize is that you have to know what you want and need, and be willing to try, and most people aren't willing to do that and end up choosing the same 5 places that everyone else does or not getting placed. Anyway, my new strategy is to try to pick good spots but ones that others aren't picking as the top choices since they are too 'far' for them. Now since I live far from the centre anyway, my advantage is everything is far from me, so I can pick things that are 1.5 hours for some people, whereas for me its only 1 hour.
The other big news is that I bought, then changed my mind and cancelled a condo purchase. Yes you read that right, me a student, not knowing where I'll work, live, and whether I'll even find a job, decided that hey, let me try flipping/renting a condo....in a sort of iffy area......not even in downtown.....yeah probably not smartest idea. Now to my and my parents defense it could have worked, and we could have gained 20K in 3 years...but the amount of headache that it could have caused, plus the fact that the 200K mortgage would be in my name...not the best thing that I could think of... I'm still not sure it was the right decision, but the truth is that I never really wanted to live there, and gambling on flipping is not smart especially in a 'developing' area, and renting is too much of a headache. In the end, I decided I don't like gambling especially with large debt loads, and would prefer to buy something when I have more security in my employment and actually buy where I could see myself living...I know a radical concept..
Now the bad news..I have gotten sick...yes the horror of having a cold. I know I know, I'm a baby, but hey to my defense, due to my crazy hygiene (read washing hands 20 times/day + not touching anything anywhere) I haven't been sick in over 2 years, which is actually a record for me! Now of course the record was meant to be broken and this is as good a time as any since I actually don't have classes and have time to recuperate. My hope is that if I give my body enough time to rest hopefully it will actually recover in a week without me having to start antibiotics...I can hope right? The interesting thing is my lungs have actually been cooperating and not acting up and hopefully continue to behave.
So that has been my week in a short post, I'm of course doing research (ie writing stuff) which is too boring and deserves a longer explanation. So now to go back and continue resting. Wishing next week is a little less exciting.
First update, I passed my neuro unit! I only found out today, which I was stressing about for the last 2 weeks but that's another story. It is definitely a huge weight off my shoulders as I was seriously scared that I didn't do well, since the last test involved a lot of short answers (which I despise). I was basically writing the first thing that came to my brain, and after discussing the answers (bad idea) with some classmates realized that my answers were seriously lacking content. Should learn by now not to discuss answers...since it just leads to more anxiety.
Moving on...the next big thing that happened was I started going to a new Jewish philosophical type course with people my own age, and it turned out I really liked it, and actually learned quite a bit. The course solidified my fears that indeed I don't know what I want out of life...sort of scary, but at the same time at least now that I know the problem I can work on trying to solve it. I've realized that a lot of people share the same issues that I've been rambling and complaining about and there are no simple or concrete answers. I've been trying to find simple solutions and in fact there aren't any...so simple eh? I'll try to make a separate post about some of these interesting philosophies a little later.
The good news continued as I found out that I got a rehab placement for my neuro internship. You would think that as PT's in a big city with lots of rehab centres we would get rehab placements but that is apparently not true. In fact some people might not even get one 'true' rehab placement within their education, which is not really fair as others might get more than 2. What many people do not realize is that you have to know what you want and need, and be willing to try, and most people aren't willing to do that and end up choosing the same 5 places that everyone else does or not getting placed. Anyway, my new strategy is to try to pick good spots but ones that others aren't picking as the top choices since they are too 'far' for them. Now since I live far from the centre anyway, my advantage is everything is far from me, so I can pick things that are 1.5 hours for some people, whereas for me its only 1 hour.
The other big news is that I bought, then changed my mind and cancelled a condo purchase. Yes you read that right, me a student, not knowing where I'll work, live, and whether I'll even find a job, decided that hey, let me try flipping/renting a condo....in a sort of iffy area......not even in downtown.....yeah probably not smartest idea. Now to my and my parents defense it could have worked, and we could have gained 20K in 3 years...but the amount of headache that it could have caused, plus the fact that the 200K mortgage would be in my name...not the best thing that I could think of... I'm still not sure it was the right decision, but the truth is that I never really wanted to live there, and gambling on flipping is not smart especially in a 'developing' area, and renting is too much of a headache. In the end, I decided I don't like gambling especially with large debt loads, and would prefer to buy something when I have more security in my employment and actually buy where I could see myself living...I know a radical concept..
Now the bad news..I have gotten sick...yes the horror of having a cold. I know I know, I'm a baby, but hey to my defense, due to my crazy hygiene (read washing hands 20 times/day + not touching anything anywhere) I haven't been sick in over 2 years, which is actually a record for me! Now of course the record was meant to be broken and this is as good a time as any since I actually don't have classes and have time to recuperate. My hope is that if I give my body enough time to rest hopefully it will actually recover in a week without me having to start antibiotics...I can hope right? The interesting thing is my lungs have actually been cooperating and not acting up and hopefully continue to behave.
So that has been my week in a short post, I'm of course doing research (ie writing stuff) which is too boring and deserves a longer explanation. So now to go back and continue resting. Wishing next week is a little less exciting.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
drowning under responsibilities and expectations
I seem to go from one extreme to the next with nothing in between. Most days it almost feels like there is no real purpose to life just routines, no enjoyment, just responsibilities. I always keep thinking that if I just finish this one test, this one semester, then I'll truly be free, truly be happy, not really knowing what happiness is. The interesting thing is I don't know what makes me happy or satisfied anymore, so how the question is how can I possible be fulfilled if I don't even know what that will take?
The question I keep asking myself is this why I've studied so much for the past 5 years in uni for, to be miserable? It's funny since today while visiting a condo development presentation, I seemed to have recognized a familiar face from the area back when I lived there who is my own age (24ish), what surprised is that she has a kid a husband....I couldn't stop thinking how young she was and how could she have a baby already? Now of course me being me, I couldn't get the nerve to talk to her because I couldn't even remember her name....but I really wish I could have.
I almost felt as if I hit an invisible wall that I couldn't penetrate and felt stuck from moving forward. In a way it reminded me of my failures in my social life. For all the success I have in school (which I still don't think is adequate), I don't feel like I am accomplishing or growing in my social life. I have no boyfriend, no prospect of a boyfriend, and no place to actually meet anyone. I am very picky and am not willing to accept anyone that does not satisfy my many criteria. If that wasn't enough I have a very moody personality, cannot flirt, and am afraid of going out...so how can I even meet anyone? How can I get married and have kids, if I haven't been in a relationship for longer than 1 month?
Now that I'm done my last unit, am I doing anything fun? no, of course not. My typical day includes acting as a nurse for my grandfather and putting drops in his eyes, as a physio to my dad and attempting to get him to seek professional help, as a diagnostician to my mom and attempt to research the cause of her vision loss and get her to see a specialist. Now I've also added 1 hour of exercising on the weekends at home with a make-shift gym, and of course the now never ending emails and texts regarding the research project....did I mention dealing with my cat's tooth infection?
I still do not have any appetite to eat, and have to force myself to eat at least 3 small meals/day, have lost the 5 pounds I need to have a constant period and therefore have started skipping periods again. I have also started loosing my hair to add to the other growing issues...
The time that I do have, I try to just shut the door and work on my research project but end up looking at the newspapers and going on fb, and forums and being completely unproductive and end up becoming even more miserable...should I get a new hobby?
The only thing I think about is money, but after today and seeing my friend with a kid, I think what's the point of money if you can't share it with someone, or be unable to go out once in awhile and enjoy life?
I'm just tired of the constant uncertainty of the future, the constant pressure to do well and succeed and be able to do it all. There is only so much pressure a person can take before losing it and a lot of people cannot seem to understand this....I feel responsible for the health and welfare of all 4 members of my family and yet cannot keep up with all the medical issues that keep surfacing daily all the while completely ignoring my own issues. Everytime I go out I feel guilty because I know that my mom has more work to do keeping the household running, and it seems everytime I go out there is a new emergency that occurs. Everytime I also have to think carefully will I get sick, will I infect all of my family? Will it take months and many meds for them to recover from a simple cold?
I also feel a pressure from my parents to finish and start supporting myself and helping them.....my dad is approaching his 60's and wants to retire in 5 years, but for him to do that comfortably he has to know that I can support myself, which isn't unreasonably but it's more pressure on me to finish well...get a good full-time job preferably close by....and of course they want me to get married and have kids...preferably soon.....Can I actually live up to all those expectations?
I don't know what the solution is to my never-ending stress, constant emergencies, and high expectations...maybe the solution is to unplug my life at least a little and try making goals for the future...and I probably do need something to help me destress a little and I will probably try reading at least a little each day to distract me from my own life...and maybe I have to try to set up some schedule to try to accomplish the things I need to accomplish. I will also try to set up some boundaries and try to reduce the expectations I keep feeling since it is not helping me and is making me more stressed.
I have to accept the fact that I can't do everything, I can't study in school full-time and then try to also find a boyfriend...given my family responsibilities it is just too much....that also means letting go of the guilt I feel daily and trying at least to do the best I can but knowing that it is impossible and all I can do is try my best to stay on top of everything.
The question I keep asking myself is this why I've studied so much for the past 5 years in uni for, to be miserable? It's funny since today while visiting a condo development presentation, I seemed to have recognized a familiar face from the area back when I lived there who is my own age (24ish), what surprised is that she has a kid a husband....I couldn't stop thinking how young she was and how could she have a baby already? Now of course me being me, I couldn't get the nerve to talk to her because I couldn't even remember her name....but I really wish I could have.
I almost felt as if I hit an invisible wall that I couldn't penetrate and felt stuck from moving forward. In a way it reminded me of my failures in my social life. For all the success I have in school (which I still don't think is adequate), I don't feel like I am accomplishing or growing in my social life. I have no boyfriend, no prospect of a boyfriend, and no place to actually meet anyone. I am very picky and am not willing to accept anyone that does not satisfy my many criteria. If that wasn't enough I have a very moody personality, cannot flirt, and am afraid of going out...so how can I even meet anyone? How can I get married and have kids, if I haven't been in a relationship for longer than 1 month?
Now that I'm done my last unit, am I doing anything fun? no, of course not. My typical day includes acting as a nurse for my grandfather and putting drops in his eyes, as a physio to my dad and attempting to get him to seek professional help, as a diagnostician to my mom and attempt to research the cause of her vision loss and get her to see a specialist. Now I've also added 1 hour of exercising on the weekends at home with a make-shift gym, and of course the now never ending emails and texts regarding the research project....did I mention dealing with my cat's tooth infection?
I still do not have any appetite to eat, and have to force myself to eat at least 3 small meals/day, have lost the 5 pounds I need to have a constant period and therefore have started skipping periods again. I have also started loosing my hair to add to the other growing issues...
The time that I do have, I try to just shut the door and work on my research project but end up looking at the newspapers and going on fb, and forums and being completely unproductive and end up becoming even more miserable...should I get a new hobby?
The only thing I think about is money, but after today and seeing my friend with a kid, I think what's the point of money if you can't share it with someone, or be unable to go out once in awhile and enjoy life?
I'm just tired of the constant uncertainty of the future, the constant pressure to do well and succeed and be able to do it all. There is only so much pressure a person can take before losing it and a lot of people cannot seem to understand this....I feel responsible for the health and welfare of all 4 members of my family and yet cannot keep up with all the medical issues that keep surfacing daily all the while completely ignoring my own issues. Everytime I go out I feel guilty because I know that my mom has more work to do keeping the household running, and it seems everytime I go out there is a new emergency that occurs. Everytime I also have to think carefully will I get sick, will I infect all of my family? Will it take months and many meds for them to recover from a simple cold?
I also feel a pressure from my parents to finish and start supporting myself and helping them.....my dad is approaching his 60's and wants to retire in 5 years, but for him to do that comfortably he has to know that I can support myself, which isn't unreasonably but it's more pressure on me to finish well...get a good full-time job preferably close by....and of course they want me to get married and have kids...preferably soon.....Can I actually live up to all those expectations?
I don't know what the solution is to my never-ending stress, constant emergencies, and high expectations...maybe the solution is to unplug my life at least a little and try making goals for the future...and I probably do need something to help me destress a little and I will probably try reading at least a little each day to distract me from my own life...and maybe I have to try to set up some schedule to try to accomplish the things I need to accomplish. I will also try to set up some boundaries and try to reduce the expectations I keep feeling since it is not helping me and is making me more stressed.
I have to accept the fact that I can't do everything, I can't study in school full-time and then try to also find a boyfriend...given my family responsibilities it is just too much....that also means letting go of the guilt I feel daily and trying at least to do the best I can but knowing that it is impossible and all I can do is try my best to stay on top of everything.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Accepting a bad hand in PT school
It is tough to swallow a bitter pill, especially in life. I came into this program optimistically thinking that everyone tries to keep your interests at heart, but I quickly learned its not the case. Being in a class of 80 people in a way it is understandable that not everyone will get what they want in terms of placements or research choices but it is still hard to accept. I feel that the faculty really don't care what experiences we have as long as we get through the components of the program and I feel this is a very unfair way of doing things. We're also not given full information about placements and are just asked to pick blindly not knowing the exact unit, what it entails and what clinician will be there.
Based on our picking our research project, we were basically asked to rank 10/18, and were told that we would get top 5 when of course a lot of us didn't, and got stuck with projects we didn't really want but were forced to rank. The hardest thing to accept is that I know now that some people will get more opportunities later on when they graduate because of the research that they did and the connections that they made, and that is what annoys me most.
I quess I'm just tired of the unequal opportunities we get that are based on nothing but luck. Now I can't say I would do a lot better if things were based on marks since I'm definitely not top of the class. To me I quess it's just another thing to add of things that I can't control and is unfair.
The placements is a whole other story since there is sometimes no logic on who get's what and it really is based on luck. I have had to employ some really interesting strategies to at least try to get what I wanted, and it usually means accepting something that I don't necessarily want but willing to accept so as not to get sent 2 hours of travelling in the opposite direction. I've felt guilty because some of my friends aren't so lucky and I don't always give the best advice on what they should choose.
Compounding all the other issues is of course that my grandfather has had to move in with us temporarily due to a bad eye infection where we have had to give him 4 diff types of drops 4 times/day, and its complicating matters in our family and making all of us more stressed and he's becoming more depressed.
I quess I have to accept that I don't always get what I want, and I just have to make the best of it because in life you rarely get what you want, at least that's what I learned from my life so far.
Based on our picking our research project, we were basically asked to rank 10/18, and were told that we would get top 5 when of course a lot of us didn't, and got stuck with projects we didn't really want but were forced to rank. The hardest thing to accept is that I know now that some people will get more opportunities later on when they graduate because of the research that they did and the connections that they made, and that is what annoys me most.
I quess I'm just tired of the unequal opportunities we get that are based on nothing but luck. Now I can't say I would do a lot better if things were based on marks since I'm definitely not top of the class. To me I quess it's just another thing to add of things that I can't control and is unfair.
The placements is a whole other story since there is sometimes no logic on who get's what and it really is based on luck. I have had to employ some really interesting strategies to at least try to get what I wanted, and it usually means accepting something that I don't necessarily want but willing to accept so as not to get sent 2 hours of travelling in the opposite direction. I've felt guilty because some of my friends aren't so lucky and I don't always give the best advice on what they should choose.
Compounding all the other issues is of course that my grandfather has had to move in with us temporarily due to a bad eye infection where we have had to give him 4 diff types of drops 4 times/day, and its complicating matters in our family and making all of us more stressed and he's becoming more depressed.
I quess I have to accept that I don't always get what I want, and I just have to make the best of it because in life you rarely get what you want, at least that's what I learned from my life so far.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Invisible Illness
Last week was Invisible Illness week and Kerri has inspired me to write a bit about it. http://kerriontheprairies.com
My own life is probably not the best example since I don't feel that I'm that different and have to adapt my life that much to cope, and I'm lucky that way. I look normal and healthy and most of the time I am. My asthma is very mild, and if I avoid my triggers I don't have an issue. The problems arise when I try to do something out of the ordinary...this past week, I decided to go to a restaurant with my friends downtown and there was a lot of construction and dust, and that set of an asthma attack which I haven't had in a while and was sort of unprepared for. I started wheezing, hyperventilating, coughing and feeling lightheaded. I of course, tried to hide it for a while and didn't want to make them alarmed but in the end I told them I couldn't go through another construction zone because I couldn't breathe. At the restaurant my breathing thankfully normalized and I forgot all about it.
The incident though got me thinking about the small things I do to try to avoid triggers and how it can inconvenience some people. I generally try to avoid walking downtown because of the dust, cars, pollution and smoke. I try to avoid touching common surfaces (busses), and avoid sitting next to people that cough to not get their cold since its a major trigger. I no longer eat any food outside of my home with my hands for the above reasons, and I almost never accept food from other people also due to the fear of getting sick. Most of these things are really minor to me but for some reason other people find it a bit crazy (just a bit) and even when I explain my logic they still don't truly get it. For them, if they get sick, its just 3 days of a cold, and most can go to school and function normally. For me though, its usually a week of staying home, in bed, with a severe cough and sometimes fever, chest-tightness and wheezing, and them possible another week of antibiotics because the bacteria multiplies more readily. It's ironic that with my phobia of getting sick, I decided to go into the health care field.
Of course this got me thinking about who else I know that also has an invisible illness. My circle of friends and family include people with hyperthyroidism/hypothyroidism, autism, bipolar, 1 eye blindness, Rheumatoid arthritis, PCOS, insomnia, food allergies, liver issues, depression, and leukemia(treatable).
In my own clinical experiences, I've interacted with people with parkinson's, MS, CP, stroke, ABI, cancer, alzeimer's, where depending on their stage/progression, might appear perfectly normal, but are using all the energy they have to make that type of appearance. Is it worth it though?
In the end the biggest difference we can make is advocacy and education. If more people understood the difficulties people with invisible and visible illnesses face, more would be willing to make adaptations to help make everyone's life a little easier. So next time you see someone coughing while you're smoking, consider putting out that cigarette; next time you frown when someone asks you to not being a peanut to school realize that you could save their life and next time you're frustrated that you can't understand someone's speech, realize that they could have had a stroke and are trying their hardest to talk.
My own life is probably not the best example since I don't feel that I'm that different and have to adapt my life that much to cope, and I'm lucky that way. I look normal and healthy and most of the time I am. My asthma is very mild, and if I avoid my triggers I don't have an issue. The problems arise when I try to do something out of the ordinary...this past week, I decided to go to a restaurant with my friends downtown and there was a lot of construction and dust, and that set of an asthma attack which I haven't had in a while and was sort of unprepared for. I started wheezing, hyperventilating, coughing and feeling lightheaded. I of course, tried to hide it for a while and didn't want to make them alarmed but in the end I told them I couldn't go through another construction zone because I couldn't breathe. At the restaurant my breathing thankfully normalized and I forgot all about it.
The incident though got me thinking about the small things I do to try to avoid triggers and how it can inconvenience some people. I generally try to avoid walking downtown because of the dust, cars, pollution and smoke. I try to avoid touching common surfaces (busses), and avoid sitting next to people that cough to not get their cold since its a major trigger. I no longer eat any food outside of my home with my hands for the above reasons, and I almost never accept food from other people also due to the fear of getting sick. Most of these things are really minor to me but for some reason other people find it a bit crazy (just a bit) and even when I explain my logic they still don't truly get it. For them, if they get sick, its just 3 days of a cold, and most can go to school and function normally. For me though, its usually a week of staying home, in bed, with a severe cough and sometimes fever, chest-tightness and wheezing, and them possible another week of antibiotics because the bacteria multiplies more readily. It's ironic that with my phobia of getting sick, I decided to go into the health care field.
Of course this got me thinking about who else I know that also has an invisible illness. My circle of friends and family include people with hyperthyroidism/hypothyroidism, autism, bipolar, 1 eye blindness, Rheumatoid arthritis, PCOS, insomnia, food allergies, liver issues, depression, and leukemia(treatable).
In my own clinical experiences, I've interacted with people with parkinson's, MS, CP, stroke, ABI, cancer, alzeimer's, where depending on their stage/progression, might appear perfectly normal, but are using all the energy they have to make that type of appearance. Is it worth it though?
In the end the biggest difference we can make is advocacy and education. If more people understood the difficulties people with invisible and visible illnesses face, more would be willing to make adaptations to help make everyone's life a little easier. So next time you see someone coughing while you're smoking, consider putting out that cigarette; next time you frown when someone asks you to not being a peanut to school realize that you could save their life and next time you're frustrated that you can't understand someone's speech, realize that they could have had a stroke and are trying their hardest to talk.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Dreading studying and accepting limitations
It's been a difficult couple of days and I'm officially sensory overloaded so have no motivation to study, and just get really distracted thinking about the last couple of days....it doesn't help that there are just too many distractions suck as family members coming into my room constantly and me not having the energy to tell them to leave...It also doesn't help that today's 9/11.
This test is hard for me to study since it is on emotionally difficult topics. Learning everyone about SCI, MS, Parkinson's, CP, Muscular Dystrophy, Polio, is hard because a lot of the time there is no cure and not a lot that can be done to improve people's life and functioning.
In a way I have lost all enthusiasm and motivation for studying the topics since they are so depressing. It's difficult because there is no one I can really talk since my family have their hands full with medical emergencies which are partly my fault, most of my classmates don't take things so personally as I do, but some things just trigger my emotions to bubble up to the surface and I have to constantly surpress them so that my family doesn't get worried. There is some help through the school but I'm too scared to access it since its not always as anonymous as we like to believe. So I end up supressing my feelings, studying from 8pm-3am since that is the time when I have some quiet, and forcing my brain shut itself off.
The worse is the constant pretending that I have to do. You would think that after so many years I would learn how to process all the emotions and thoughts I have but I feel it just get's worse since the doubts, fear, failures and regrets just keep building. The only thing I have learned to suppress everything I feel from everyone around me, so that they keep thinking I'm fine when in fact I'm not, and feel like my head is going to explode.
I realized that being in the hospital, triggered all the negative memories and that is what probably in a way triggered the fainting episode. I was used to being the professional, and coming back as a relative of a patient just caused my brain to shut off since I had no control anymore over anything.
So now, going to try to force my brain to stop spinning, for 4 more days so that I could pass the next test, and then attempt to deal with my issues, although I realized that there is no quick fix and I will probably have to keep dealing with them my whole life. I can't stop my parents and grandparents from aging, I can't control where I will work, I also can't change my personality and be more outgoing, and I can't stop myself from being sensory overloaded from most people take for granted. I also can't stop myself regretting decisions in my life. I have to try to live with all of my issues and either learn to suppress my feelings from others or develop a way to de-stress. I have to accept that my life has not the easiest (although it's tougher for a lot of people) and with the constant moving/immigrating, I missed opportunities to experience what a lot of people take for granted, such as stability, security (although in today's economy that's debatable), and learning normal ways to interact with others (although this could be because of my personality). I will probably struggle interacting with others in English for my whole life since due to my shy personality I was never forced to actually talk to others.
We learn that kids are resilient and even if they don't have the perfect environment they still develop relatively normal, but what we don't learn is that deficits still exist and what one person perceives as completely normal, with more analysis learns that there is a lot of effort and compensation required to appear normal.
I feel like a fraud most days, trying to pretend that I'm someone I'm not. I look with envy at people that don't have to pretend, where they don't care what people think and are themselves. The biggest problem I have is that I don't know who I actually am, since I feel like all I've ever tried to do is study and stay healthy. I am that boring person who doesn't have a life, and all I do is go to school and study, who doesn't go out, doesn't have hobbies or a bf. What most people don't get is how much energy that alone takes, that I have a lot of responsibilities at home, and that my brain does not enjoy going out to crowded places.
How do I develop my identity, if I go from one emergency to another? How can learn to deal with things when I have very few people that I can actually talk openly to and not feel judged? How do I stop the what if's?
In a way I have to come to terms with my limitations and responsibilities since that is what a mature person actually does. Will I ever be outgoing? no. Will I ever like bars/clubs? no. Will I ever stop regretting things? no. Will I ever stop being emotionally moved by events? probably not. Will I ever be truly happy go lucky? most likely not. The sooner I accept these things about myself and stop trying to change the better my coping skills will become. Some things are just impossible to change and one has to learn to live with them.
This test is hard for me to study since it is on emotionally difficult topics. Learning everyone about SCI, MS, Parkinson's, CP, Muscular Dystrophy, Polio, is hard because a lot of the time there is no cure and not a lot that can be done to improve people's life and functioning.
In a way I have lost all enthusiasm and motivation for studying the topics since they are so depressing. It's difficult because there is no one I can really talk since my family have their hands full with medical emergencies which are partly my fault, most of my classmates don't take things so personally as I do, but some things just trigger my emotions to bubble up to the surface and I have to constantly surpress them so that my family doesn't get worried. There is some help through the school but I'm too scared to access it since its not always as anonymous as we like to believe. So I end up supressing my feelings, studying from 8pm-3am since that is the time when I have some quiet, and forcing my brain shut itself off.
The worse is the constant pretending that I have to do. You would think that after so many years I would learn how to process all the emotions and thoughts I have but I feel it just get's worse since the doubts, fear, failures and regrets just keep building. The only thing I have learned to suppress everything I feel from everyone around me, so that they keep thinking I'm fine when in fact I'm not, and feel like my head is going to explode.
I realized that being in the hospital, triggered all the negative memories and that is what probably in a way triggered the fainting episode. I was used to being the professional, and coming back as a relative of a patient just caused my brain to shut off since I had no control anymore over anything.
So now, going to try to force my brain to stop spinning, for 4 more days so that I could pass the next test, and then attempt to deal with my issues, although I realized that there is no quick fix and I will probably have to keep dealing with them my whole life. I can't stop my parents and grandparents from aging, I can't control where I will work, I also can't change my personality and be more outgoing, and I can't stop myself from being sensory overloaded from most people take for granted. I also can't stop myself regretting decisions in my life. I have to try to live with all of my issues and either learn to suppress my feelings from others or develop a way to de-stress. I have to accept that my life has not the easiest (although it's tougher for a lot of people) and with the constant moving/immigrating, I missed opportunities to experience what a lot of people take for granted, such as stability, security (although in today's economy that's debatable), and learning normal ways to interact with others (although this could be because of my personality). I will probably struggle interacting with others in English for my whole life since due to my shy personality I was never forced to actually talk to others.
We learn that kids are resilient and even if they don't have the perfect environment they still develop relatively normal, but what we don't learn is that deficits still exist and what one person perceives as completely normal, with more analysis learns that there is a lot of effort and compensation required to appear normal.
I feel like a fraud most days, trying to pretend that I'm someone I'm not. I look with envy at people that don't have to pretend, where they don't care what people think and are themselves. The biggest problem I have is that I don't know who I actually am, since I feel like all I've ever tried to do is study and stay healthy. I am that boring person who doesn't have a life, and all I do is go to school and study, who doesn't go out, doesn't have hobbies or a bf. What most people don't get is how much energy that alone takes, that I have a lot of responsibilities at home, and that my brain does not enjoy going out to crowded places.
How do I develop my identity, if I go from one emergency to another? How can learn to deal with things when I have very few people that I can actually talk openly to and not feel judged? How do I stop the what if's?
In a way I have to come to terms with my limitations and responsibilities since that is what a mature person actually does. Will I ever be outgoing? no. Will I ever like bars/clubs? no. Will I ever stop regretting things? no. Will I ever stop being emotionally moved by events? probably not. Will I ever be truly happy go lucky? most likely not. The sooner I accept these things about myself and stop trying to change the better my coping skills will become. Some things are just impossible to change and one has to learn to live with them.
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