I've often found myself ignoring minor medical issues and thinking that eventually they will somehow resolve on their own and today I've learned the hard way that ignoring issues only makes things worse in the long-term.
My close relative has always had issues with his vision and we tried to get it checked out but unfortunately didn't get a very good optho and the issue was missed and subsequently we continued to ignore it. This past week the issue became serious fairly quickly with a bad eye infection, scratched cornea, and very high IOP. I felt very responsible since ultimately we should have pushed for more investigations with a different doctor and these issues could have been at least partially prevented. The consequence is that he could now have permanent vision loss in his eye whereas before it could have been temporary.
Some people would think that having some medical knowledge I would at least attempt to be healthier myself and keep my own problems under control yet it is often the opposite. A month ago, I specifically went to do a general annual blood test to see if there are any issues that I need to manage. Well....I learned that I have low iron and B12 levels....now to my defense they were low and not critically low and so I decided to put them at the back of my mind and forget about it, I mean I'm not symptomatic right? Well...if I wasn't then...I am now.
Today during my relative's eye appointment I fainted and apparently turned green and started having muscle twitches....now for some it is not a big deal but this has never happened to me even when I was watching a fairly bloody surgery during my placement so it wasn't the procedure that bothered me. Now I could attribute it to many factors: not enough sleep, not enough fluids, standing for a long time, being in a small non-ventilated office... but most likely the main thing that contributed to it was my anemia which I continually ignore.
This will probably sound very illogical, but my attempt to 'treat' this anemia before, was by dieting to lose weight so that I would go back to having irregular cycles and thereby reduce blood loss and therefore improve the anemia...ridiculous right? The plan of course failed, I was not losing weight since I am already underweight anyway, and my cycles stayed regular, the only result was that my iron levels got so low that I ended up fainting...
I have learned my lesson about letting things go too far, I have realized that since I am a female, I should have regular cycles, and trying to make them irregular doesn't make sense. I have started taking vitamin B12 to improve the absorption of iron from my diet, and have increased the amount I eat. I am going to try to get more sleep although am not sure how successful that will be, but I should try, and I am trying to drink more fluids. I will then force myself to go back to the doc to recheck my levels to see if there is any improvement in a few months. We are controlling my relative's eye pressure with meds and are going back to the optho regularly to make sure it comes down and doesn't start affecting the other eye and cause permanent blindness.
I guess the lesson is don't let medical issues deteriorate to the point where it becomes too late to manage it, everyone needs to take advocate for themselves, and if they think they're not being treated appropriately get another doc or seek a second opinion, and if you're going to treat the problem yourself at least bounce the idea off an actual professional.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Getting out and Seeing things from another perspective
I don't usually go out to restaurants or anywhere because of time pressures and of course because I'm paranoid of germs, but sometimes it does help to get out and get out of the rut.
Today, I got the chance to unwind a bit, eat, and even dance a bit. I got a chance to talk to some friends who I haven't seen in a while, and I realized they're all struggling, struggling with what career path to take, regretting their past choices in their previous university degree, and also struggling to find some sort of trail that will carve out their future.
None of them have the answers and often think about the same things I do. Will I find the right partner to spend my life with? Did I choose the right program to continue my studies? Will I ever be able to move out and start my own life? Where will that new life be?
In a lot of ways, it is harder for our generation, there is no real light shining in front of us, there is a lot of fog, and its up to us to compete in this fog with many others to hopefully gain a path to the future...but in a way it is somewhat comforting that we are all in the same boat, and we all have regrets, and hope and wishes, and not all these wishes come true and sometimes if they do, it is not what we originally envisioned it would look like.
What's interesting, is they look at me with envy, thinking that I have it all figured out, and will finish in a year, and will have a great career supposedly, while they're still struggling getting into a post-grad program, but to me it's funny, since I'm the last person that has anything figured out. I continue to daily question my decisions, and continue to wonder if I will even get a job once I graduate anywhere close or will I have to choose to move far away to find some type of work or bite the bullet and stay here and attempt to start my own practice which is definitely not ideal, since I feel I am not prepared at all and do not have neither the skills, confidence or business knowledge to even attempt it, yet it is possible I might not have a choice.
Today though did mark an achievement for me, I was finally able to let go of my anger and bitterness and become friends with a guy that I went on a few dates with. I was finally able to see why it didn't work, what went wrong, and that ultimately we aren't really a match....now I can't say the attraction is completely gone, but at this new level of understanding I am able to not let the attraction and bitterness take over, and think more rationally about the whole situation and realize that there needs to be a lot more than attraction for a relationship to work and if there isn't than there is no point in forcing it, since it won't work.
My fears, doubts and regrets are not unique, and everybody struggles with a lot of these things in their life. Making my issues to be a big deal is not helping me solve anything, it just makes me more anxious and down. So...I am going to try to keep this in mind, and try to not make every small issue into a big catastrophe since its not. I will definitely try to get out more, since a change in scenery always helps put things into perspective and lets you change up the mundane life we tend to lead.
Today, I got the chance to unwind a bit, eat, and even dance a bit. I got a chance to talk to some friends who I haven't seen in a while, and I realized they're all struggling, struggling with what career path to take, regretting their past choices in their previous university degree, and also struggling to find some sort of trail that will carve out their future.
None of them have the answers and often think about the same things I do. Will I find the right partner to spend my life with? Did I choose the right program to continue my studies? Will I ever be able to move out and start my own life? Where will that new life be?
In a lot of ways, it is harder for our generation, there is no real light shining in front of us, there is a lot of fog, and its up to us to compete in this fog with many others to hopefully gain a path to the future...but in a way it is somewhat comforting that we are all in the same boat, and we all have regrets, and hope and wishes, and not all these wishes come true and sometimes if they do, it is not what we originally envisioned it would look like.
What's interesting, is they look at me with envy, thinking that I have it all figured out, and will finish in a year, and will have a great career supposedly, while they're still struggling getting into a post-grad program, but to me it's funny, since I'm the last person that has anything figured out. I continue to daily question my decisions, and continue to wonder if I will even get a job once I graduate anywhere close or will I have to choose to move far away to find some type of work or bite the bullet and stay here and attempt to start my own practice which is definitely not ideal, since I feel I am not prepared at all and do not have neither the skills, confidence or business knowledge to even attempt it, yet it is possible I might not have a choice.
Today though did mark an achievement for me, I was finally able to let go of my anger and bitterness and become friends with a guy that I went on a few dates with. I was finally able to see why it didn't work, what went wrong, and that ultimately we aren't really a match....now I can't say the attraction is completely gone, but at this new level of understanding I am able to not let the attraction and bitterness take over, and think more rationally about the whole situation and realize that there needs to be a lot more than attraction for a relationship to work and if there isn't than there is no point in forcing it, since it won't work.
My fears, doubts and regrets are not unique, and everybody struggles with a lot of these things in their life. Making my issues to be a big deal is not helping me solve anything, it just makes me more anxious and down. So...I am going to try to keep this in mind, and try to not make every small issue into a big catastrophe since its not. I will definitely try to get out more, since a change in scenery always helps put things into perspective and lets you change up the mundane life we tend to lead.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Placements and feeling stuck
So it is again the time to choose placements, and I'm definitely stressed. Due to my previous negative experiences I see every choice as a bad one. The problem is multiplied since I feel we're not given all the information we need to make informed choices and have to piece things together ourselves. We are given a list of places and a brief description but we're not given the instructor's name or even initials. We also have no way of knowing the different expectations and procedures that each place has and surprisingly the same type of unit in different hospitals can be set up very differently with very different expectations and roles.
It is also very frustrating since I feel we're not given the learning opportunities that we need to have when we graduate since we're at the mercy of what type of institutions are willing to give us a chance. In my current placement, I feel that I am shooting myself in the foot no matter what I choose. I cannot pick any interesting placements like peds ones since I am terrified of not picking things up fast enough and not having a patient instructor. I do not feel ready for any outpatient placements since we did not learn enough in class and would feel overwhelmed...and even if I do pick an outpatient place now it means I wouldn't be able to do it in my last placement and that is a major disadvantage since I hope to work in an outpatient setting.
So the only choices that remain are hospital wards where I end up only ambulating (walking, transferring) patients and doing a lot of paperwork instead of learning something useful for the future. I also end up terrified of picking up MRSA, VRE, or the common cold.
It's tough now, because I feel stuck...I have to keep telling myself that this is temporary, that I will eventually find an environment to work where I will at least not dislike it so strongly, but the regrets never go away. Sometimes I wonder if it ever get's easier or does it just get harder with years when problems just keep building.
I remember a year ago, being so energetic, so awed by the 2nd years who felt so confident, so mature, whereas I felt so green and so lucky to be in the program. A year on, I do feel a lot more mature and more confident but I've lost the energy that I think those 2nd years also lost. I understand the problems of the profession a lot more now and realize that its not all 'helping people get better' and 'watching miracles' its a lot more complicated than that. Its a lot more beurecracy and business. I've also realized that its not accessible to a lot of people and has become a 2-tiered system where the people with insurance can get better but the ones that don't are stuck and are not eligible for rehab (only very basic). The other thing we don't hear about is that not everyone get's better and we can't fix everything, and sometimes watching a person struggle with basic functions in life that we all take for granted or be in pain, and know that we can't help them is the hardest part of the job. No matter how much they teach us that we have to do our best to improve their quality of life, we know that for some people we can't do this and explaining this to a patient or family can break your heart.
We work so closely with patients that sometimes we can't help taking things home with us and their stories never leave us, I wish there was a balance between shutting out all emotion or actually being empathetic, but there isn't. There is either one or the other and unfortunately the ones that are empathetic end up either burning out and leaving the profession or becoming cold and shutting out all feelings since.
I wish had more answers than questions, wish that I could be more optimistic about the future and have the guts to try to fix it instead of watching from afar the mess that everything is creating, wish that life was about more non-profit co-operation and making the world more livable for everyone rather than about profit, greed and fraud. Some days I wonder if I didn't have feelings or a moral compass would life be easier....
On that happy note, I will now force myself to try to forget about everything, shut our my feelings and try to read about 20 lectures. Hope everyone enjoys the weekend, it won't be long until summer is forgotten and the falling leaves remind us of the a new season that we're in.
It is also very frustrating since I feel we're not given the learning opportunities that we need to have when we graduate since we're at the mercy of what type of institutions are willing to give us a chance. In my current placement, I feel that I am shooting myself in the foot no matter what I choose. I cannot pick any interesting placements like peds ones since I am terrified of not picking things up fast enough and not having a patient instructor. I do not feel ready for any outpatient placements since we did not learn enough in class and would feel overwhelmed...and even if I do pick an outpatient place now it means I wouldn't be able to do it in my last placement and that is a major disadvantage since I hope to work in an outpatient setting.
So the only choices that remain are hospital wards where I end up only ambulating (walking, transferring) patients and doing a lot of paperwork instead of learning something useful for the future. I also end up terrified of picking up MRSA, VRE, or the common cold.
It's tough now, because I feel stuck...I have to keep telling myself that this is temporary, that I will eventually find an environment to work where I will at least not dislike it so strongly, but the regrets never go away. Sometimes I wonder if it ever get's easier or does it just get harder with years when problems just keep building.
I remember a year ago, being so energetic, so awed by the 2nd years who felt so confident, so mature, whereas I felt so green and so lucky to be in the program. A year on, I do feel a lot more mature and more confident but I've lost the energy that I think those 2nd years also lost. I understand the problems of the profession a lot more now and realize that its not all 'helping people get better' and 'watching miracles' its a lot more complicated than that. Its a lot more beurecracy and business. I've also realized that its not accessible to a lot of people and has become a 2-tiered system where the people with insurance can get better but the ones that don't are stuck and are not eligible for rehab (only very basic). The other thing we don't hear about is that not everyone get's better and we can't fix everything, and sometimes watching a person struggle with basic functions in life that we all take for granted or be in pain, and know that we can't help them is the hardest part of the job. No matter how much they teach us that we have to do our best to improve their quality of life, we know that for some people we can't do this and explaining this to a patient or family can break your heart.
We work so closely with patients that sometimes we can't help taking things home with us and their stories never leave us, I wish there was a balance between shutting out all emotion or actually being empathetic, but there isn't. There is either one or the other and unfortunately the ones that are empathetic end up either burning out and leaving the profession or becoming cold and shutting out all feelings since.
I wish had more answers than questions, wish that I could be more optimistic about the future and have the guts to try to fix it instead of watching from afar the mess that everything is creating, wish that life was about more non-profit co-operation and making the world more livable for everyone rather than about profit, greed and fraud. Some days I wonder if I didn't have feelings or a moral compass would life be easier....
On that happy note, I will now force myself to try to forget about everything, shut our my feelings and try to read about 20 lectures. Hope everyone enjoys the weekend, it won't be long until summer is forgotten and the falling leaves remind us of the a new season that we're in.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Old regrets, choices, and a racing mind
I've been struggling in the past few days to get back into my normal studying routine because I've been doing too much and a lot has been on my mind lately.
In the past few days I've managed to decide on a camera as a present for my parent (still debating whether it was the right choice), signed on and closed an online dating account, continued to edit an annoying assignment, dreading upcoming internship choices, and started to doubt my career choice, as well as doubt the future of the city. My mind is now running very fast and I can't slow it down, of course my hormones are making everything worse.
I have always had a problem making decisions. Some people make a decision and stay with it, I can never do that. I will doubt a decision that I make for months, years even and never know whether it was the correct decision and then I start blaming myself that a different decision would have been better. This becomes evident when I go shopping and cannot decide between different items, start trying to make some sort of structure to sort through the different choices and if I decide to buy something, I continue to blame myself that a different choice would have been better.
The same problem with my school, I keep thinking did I make the right choice? Should I have gone to the PA program instead? It sometimes seems I just lose all rational sense. I was reading the forums today and I realized that I do meet the cutoff for one med school and then a light went up and I thought, do I have a chance? Should I go for it? But the question then becomes do I want to go for it? Do I want to be in school for another 3 years + res? Of course all the old wishes came back to haunt me. Thankfully for my brain the decision was made for me and I cannot apply this year even if I wanted to since I'm not finished my grad program. But the nagging feeling remains should I have applied to other programs? Would I be happier in other programs? Will I be satisfied as a PT or always regret my choice?
Next on my many problems is my lack of any kind of dating life. Why? Well the main issue is that there is no real places for me to meet guys, in undergrad, my program was mainly made of girls with an odd guy, and now its the same thing in grad. Since I'm fairly busy, I don't tend to go out at all, hate bars, clubs, concerts and any other crowded spots and so end up at home most time when I'm not in school. So I turn to online dating since I mistakenly think that the more people the more likely to meet someone you like right? wrong. Everyone on it starts looking for a supermodel that doesn't exist. Most guys are not looking for a relationship on it, and end up messaging everyone hoping someone will respond, or don't message anyone because they don't satisfy their requirements. All it took was a few strange conversations on the site to get me to completely lose hope in it and have now closed it. I've realized that it is not the best way to meet guys, and I will just have to wait until I'm done this and when I have less stress to start up my search again and not online.
I just wish that time could slow down and instead of running in a rat cage and trying to complete a 100 things/day I could actually enjoy something small like going outside with my cat, or watching a movie, while instead I end up answering many phone calls, trying to keep medical issues under control, being the family physio that attempts to fix family related injuries since we have no insurance, and try to keep up with schoolwork for which I have no motivation.
Sometimes I wonder how long I can keep going without burning out. Or if I've already reached the burn-out stage. The main problem is that I don't have a lot to look forward to, the future is very cloudy, instead of being clear. Will I get a job when I finish? Will I hate it? Will I ever find a partner? Will I ever be happy?
I try to shut out my true feelings and fears, to not feel anything, and even though I am getting better at hiding them from others, they never really go away. The more I try to deny them the harder they come back.
So tomorrow, I am going to try to put my guard up again and go back to not feeling anything, no more forums, tv shows, reduce news, no dating websites or guys. Just school, since that is what I have to focus on at the moment, and everything else will come later.
In the past few days I've managed to decide on a camera as a present for my parent (still debating whether it was the right choice), signed on and closed an online dating account, continued to edit an annoying assignment, dreading upcoming internship choices, and started to doubt my career choice, as well as doubt the future of the city. My mind is now running very fast and I can't slow it down, of course my hormones are making everything worse.
I have always had a problem making decisions. Some people make a decision and stay with it, I can never do that. I will doubt a decision that I make for months, years even and never know whether it was the correct decision and then I start blaming myself that a different decision would have been better. This becomes evident when I go shopping and cannot decide between different items, start trying to make some sort of structure to sort through the different choices and if I decide to buy something, I continue to blame myself that a different choice would have been better.
The same problem with my school, I keep thinking did I make the right choice? Should I have gone to the PA program instead? It sometimes seems I just lose all rational sense. I was reading the forums today and I realized that I do meet the cutoff for one med school and then a light went up and I thought, do I have a chance? Should I go for it? But the question then becomes do I want to go for it? Do I want to be in school for another 3 years + res? Of course all the old wishes came back to haunt me. Thankfully for my brain the decision was made for me and I cannot apply this year even if I wanted to since I'm not finished my grad program. But the nagging feeling remains should I have applied to other programs? Would I be happier in other programs? Will I be satisfied as a PT or always regret my choice?
Next on my many problems is my lack of any kind of dating life. Why? Well the main issue is that there is no real places for me to meet guys, in undergrad, my program was mainly made of girls with an odd guy, and now its the same thing in grad. Since I'm fairly busy, I don't tend to go out at all, hate bars, clubs, concerts and any other crowded spots and so end up at home most time when I'm not in school. So I turn to online dating since I mistakenly think that the more people the more likely to meet someone you like right? wrong. Everyone on it starts looking for a supermodel that doesn't exist. Most guys are not looking for a relationship on it, and end up messaging everyone hoping someone will respond, or don't message anyone because they don't satisfy their requirements. All it took was a few strange conversations on the site to get me to completely lose hope in it and have now closed it. I've realized that it is not the best way to meet guys, and I will just have to wait until I'm done this and when I have less stress to start up my search again and not online.
I just wish that time could slow down and instead of running in a rat cage and trying to complete a 100 things/day I could actually enjoy something small like going outside with my cat, or watching a movie, while instead I end up answering many phone calls, trying to keep medical issues under control, being the family physio that attempts to fix family related injuries since we have no insurance, and try to keep up with schoolwork for which I have no motivation.
Sometimes I wonder how long I can keep going without burning out. Or if I've already reached the burn-out stage. The main problem is that I don't have a lot to look forward to, the future is very cloudy, instead of being clear. Will I get a job when I finish? Will I hate it? Will I ever find a partner? Will I ever be happy?
I try to shut out my true feelings and fears, to not feel anything, and even though I am getting better at hiding them from others, they never really go away. The more I try to deny them the harder they come back.
So tomorrow, I am going to try to put my guard up again and go back to not feeling anything, no more forums, tv shows, reduce news, no dating websites or guys. Just school, since that is what I have to focus on at the moment, and everything else will come later.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Terror attacks
I try to usually suppress my feelings but it becomes difficult to do sometimes. There have been 2 terror attacks in Israel in the past 2 weeks in addition to constant rocket fire in the south, and even though I don't live there anymore, I feel emotionally attached. Most people in North America have no idea what it's like to constantly live in that kind of environment where an attack can occur at any moment, where no place is safe, every bag is suspicious, where going on a bus is every day takes a lot of courage. What do when you don't know if your son/daughter will come back from the army? (which is mandatory for all men and women over 18). What do you do when there is a siren wailing every time a rocket approaches and you think is it in my area? Do I have time to run to a bomb shelter? Should I stay and take the risk?
Most of us can't imagine living in these conditions and often think about England WWII. Yet there are 5 million people that live with these conditions every day and most of the world either ignores them or starts blaming them if they decide to take any action to defend themselves. The question becomes would any western country tolerate this type of environment?
Here I am worrying about my clinical choices and my assignments, and when I have to wake up tomorrow, and yet if we all think about it all those things are incredibly insignificant. My parents chose to leave for the reasons above and were lucky to be able to, but we still have relatives there and most people there do not want to leave or do not have the choice to and this is their daily life and they learn to adapt to ever changing circumstances and fight for their right to live there. I really respect them because it is not easy to continue in these type of conditions, and I hope someday it is possible for everyone in the region to learn to live peacefully like we somehow manage to here in Canada.
My thoughts are with the injured in Israel, as well as the people impacted in US by hurricane Irene, I hope the recovery is fast and everybody is able to return to some kind of normal again, even though the normal keeps changing daily.
Most of us can't imagine living in these conditions and often think about England WWII. Yet there are 5 million people that live with these conditions every day and most of the world either ignores them or starts blaming them if they decide to take any action to defend themselves. The question becomes would any western country tolerate this type of environment?
Here I am worrying about my clinical choices and my assignments, and when I have to wake up tomorrow, and yet if we all think about it all those things are incredibly insignificant. My parents chose to leave for the reasons above and were lucky to be able to, but we still have relatives there and most people there do not want to leave or do not have the choice to and this is their daily life and they learn to adapt to ever changing circumstances and fight for their right to live there. I really respect them because it is not easy to continue in these type of conditions, and I hope someday it is possible for everyone in the region to learn to live peacefully like we somehow manage to here in Canada.
My thoughts are with the injured in Israel, as well as the people impacted in US by hurricane Irene, I hope the recovery is fast and everybody is able to return to some kind of normal again, even though the normal keeps changing daily.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
'Hope is better than fear'
So most Canadians are probably aware that Jack Layton has died a few days ago and today was his funeral. For those that don't know, he was the leader of the NDP party which became the opposition party of canada. The sad part was that he was only 61 and died of cancer.
I never knew him personally, and I didn't always agree with his political ideas, but it has affected me a lot more than I thought it would. It has ignited something in me that I thought was lost. Through the stories that have been printed and the coverage on tv I realized that he never went into politics for personal gain, it was always to make it better for others. He believed in the basics of life improving health care, education, jobs, and living conditions for all Canadians of all ethnicities. He believed in hope and that's rare for a politician. He also believed that he could produce change and didn't believe people that said it was impossible.
It has been a long time where I've allowed myself to feel anything, and most often am happy to exist with very few emotions. Due to my perceived failures and regrets I had in a way lost hope in life. Co-existing in life is one thing but it doesn't bring happiness. We hear problems on problems daily in our lives, in the news and in a way we lose hope for things to improve. Jack never lost hope.
"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."
I never knew him personally, and I didn't always agree with his political ideas, but it has affected me a lot more than I thought it would. It has ignited something in me that I thought was lost. Through the stories that have been printed and the coverage on tv I realized that he never went into politics for personal gain, it was always to make it better for others. He believed in the basics of life improving health care, education, jobs, and living conditions for all Canadians of all ethnicities. He believed in hope and that's rare for a politician. He also believed that he could produce change and didn't believe people that said it was impossible.
It has been a long time where I've allowed myself to feel anything, and most often am happy to exist with very few emotions. Due to my perceived failures and regrets I had in a way lost hope in life. Co-existing in life is one thing but it doesn't bring happiness. We hear problems on problems daily in our lives, in the news and in a way we lose hope for things to improve. Jack never lost hope.
"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."
Friday, August 5, 2011
Nostalgia during a road trip
Just came back from an 'active' vacation and am totally exhausted and drained. Went to a city that I used to live in and its true what they say when they say you can't go back to the past. I had an okay time, went to some museums, the parliment buildings, went biking around the city on another day and saw some friends we had when we lived there. Of course got overheated on one day and the biking involved a bike with bad brakes which was an adventure in itself but what's a vacation without some adventure. Of course the hotel is another matter which let's just say its not the best idea to stay in the cheapest available option and sometimes makes more sense to pay for something to have a more enjoyable experience, definitely learned that the hard way (bad creaking mattress, smoke filled bathroom, bad air quality).
I didn't go alone (with siblings) and that was frustrating since I quickly learned we don't share the same ideas and trying to compromise was very frustrating. I tended to give in quite a bit since they are guests and in the end gave up trying to voice my own ideas and that caused me to be quite miserable since I didn't really get to do what I wanted to do and just went along with what they wanted. I've realized that compromise should go both ways and if it doesn't resentment builds up. I felt I couldn't really be truthful since they would get insulted and I didn't want to be difficult but I definitely didn't feel as much a part of it and didn't really enjoy the trip since I didn't really have control of anything. I felt the difference as soon as I got home and finally felt in control of my own life again and didn't have to depend on them for making the decisions. Having control definitely makes a difference in your own self-esteem and happiness.
This trip made me realize that a lot of our memories are very selective and we often choose to remember only the positive and ignore the negative. I had always painted the city in a positive light since it was the first place where I had some real friends and I felt a semi-normal teenage years (if there is such a thing). The problem is I forget about all the negative events and when those came flooding back they overwhelmed me (job loss, guilt about my dad living in a different city, friend drama). The city also changed quite a bit and that surprised me since for some reason I keep thinking that everything stayed the way it was and of course things keep changing and not always for the better.
Also for the first time in a long time I felt like an outsider. In the capital I felt like I didn't belong since my native language isn't english or french and I felt like people were judging us, and it wasn't a comfortable feeling, since I didn't really feel canadian anymore. I guess the reason why immigrants move to big cities to be surrounded by their own community is so that they feel accepted, since even though they learn the language, they are never as fluent as the native population and therefore don't feel like they belong. I often take it for granted that I live in such a such a multicultural city and this trip made me appreciate it.
What the trip also made me realize is it takes a family to make a house a home. The house itself doesn't do it. My problem was I felt I could never identify a permanent home since we moved so much but the truth is my identity is not tied to a specific city or house but its tied to our family and wherever we went we made the place a home.
I didn't go alone (with siblings) and that was frustrating since I quickly learned we don't share the same ideas and trying to compromise was very frustrating. I tended to give in quite a bit since they are guests and in the end gave up trying to voice my own ideas and that caused me to be quite miserable since I didn't really get to do what I wanted to do and just went along with what they wanted. I've realized that compromise should go both ways and if it doesn't resentment builds up. I felt I couldn't really be truthful since they would get insulted and I didn't want to be difficult but I definitely didn't feel as much a part of it and didn't really enjoy the trip since I didn't really have control of anything. I felt the difference as soon as I got home and finally felt in control of my own life again and didn't have to depend on them for making the decisions. Having control definitely makes a difference in your own self-esteem and happiness.
This trip made me realize that a lot of our memories are very selective and we often choose to remember only the positive and ignore the negative. I had always painted the city in a positive light since it was the first place where I had some real friends and I felt a semi-normal teenage years (if there is such a thing). The problem is I forget about all the negative events and when those came flooding back they overwhelmed me (job loss, guilt about my dad living in a different city, friend drama). The city also changed quite a bit and that surprised me since for some reason I keep thinking that everything stayed the way it was and of course things keep changing and not always for the better.
Also for the first time in a long time I felt like an outsider. In the capital I felt like I didn't belong since my native language isn't english or french and I felt like people were judging us, and it wasn't a comfortable feeling, since I didn't really feel canadian anymore. I guess the reason why immigrants move to big cities to be surrounded by their own community is so that they feel accepted, since even though they learn the language, they are never as fluent as the native population and therefore don't feel like they belong. I often take it for granted that I live in such a such a multicultural city and this trip made me appreciate it.
What the trip also made me realize is it takes a family to make a house a home. The house itself doesn't do it. My problem was I felt I could never identify a permanent home since we moved so much but the truth is my identity is not tied to a specific city or house but its tied to our family and wherever we went we made the place a home.
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