Having 2 brains

The concept of 2 brains or even 3 brains is the only way I can describe my mental state at the moment. Although it is an improvement from where my brain was going in circles like a hamster in a wheel, not stopping to think about anything even for a second, and always looking at the million of things I still need to do.

I have now learned to slow down my crazy repetitive non-productive spinning thinking process, and have even started monitoring myself, and can see when I start going into that state. My bf, is a lot better at it and more perceptive, and can feel the second I start to become anxious, and start that crazy cycle. It actually makes me sometimes very annoyed, because at that moment, I’m not that far into it, to really notice, it takes me a much longer time to realize, and I just become mad that he is criticizing me, which isn’t really true.

                               

So back to the 2 brain concept, so the other day, I was at work, and I am bored quite a bit at work, especially some days with a lot of repetitive clients who have been coming for months and would like the same treatment/massage, they always get, to maintain their function. So I replied to a text from my bf, and he didn’t reply back….so then right away, my one brain started thinking ‘I’m not good enough, he’s not responding because I’m boring or pretty enough, I must have said something wrong, last night I had a panic attack in a stairwell and he must think I’m crazy and too much to deal with, he must want to have a talk and break up….so on and on. Now before those thoughts would have just kept going until I found the next topic to obsess over. This time, my other brain, started fighting back and saying wait a second…this is my crazy anxiety state….he has already told me he wants to be with me, that I’m worth the wait, that he can handle my anxiety, that he finds me desirable, that he’s interested in settling down with 1 girl….maybe he’s just busy and doesn’t have time to reply to my texts, he did say there has been a lot of work lately. So the hilarious part was while I was treating my clients, I felt like I had 2 of those little heads sitting my shoulder, mini-anxie, and mini-logi, that kept arguing with each other! I still felt like anxiety was winning, but the logical side was at least trying to keep it at bay and keep me from going into a complete panic mode!

In the evening he messaged, and the logical side won, and at least temporarily shut the anxiety side down. It’s not ideal but at least, I was aware of the anxiety state now, and a part of my brain realized it was irrational. I don’t know if I’ll ever truly be able to lose that side of me, that starts going in circles and not know how to stop without the help of alcohol, which is ridiculous, but I am starting to make some progress, which considering that it has been my thinking process for the past 6 years is a big accomplishment!

It was an interesting week, because it was quite busy work-wise, plus I had a couple of interviews, at places I was thinking about working at..which went quite well, I mean I was even told I have good manual skills by a manual therapist which completely shocked me! I’m just still unsure whether I actually want to work there as it is more part-time opportunities and more evenings, and it’ll take another  couple of weeks to find out if  I get it or not, which sort of disappointed me. Of course, on Wednesday, after another long day, at which time I finished at 8.15pm, my bf, suggested we meet dt for a coffee or beer. I tried to explain that I sort of have an interview the next morning and I have to prepare for it and I’m quite tired already, but somehow his sad voice convinced me to trudge 15 minutes down to meet him. The funny thing was on the way, I felt like I met a ghost (my previous preceptor) who mentioned she started her own clinic and is looking for a therapist! I was utterly speechless, and of course we talked and left on a good note, so definitely a welcome surprise!

So after that meeting, I was a big hyper and my sympathetic system was already a little overwhelmed with everything, so I thought I should go meet him! I mean look how good the day is going! Of course it was about to crash…hard.

So we meet up and decide to go exploring a university building that actually was full of students studying, but we wanted to find a quiet place to rest and talk, and we ended up going down to the basement…well as soon as we were there…I felt it was a bad idea…and sort of mentioned that we should go back up…but of course, he wanted to explore more….so I followed….but then I just changed my mind….and sort of started internally freaking out….’what if we get stuck, what if we can’t leave, we can get caught for trespassing, what if there is a person with a knife in the stairwell and we end up in a dark alley in the middle of nowhere’…..so I ended up running up the stairs and into the next level, leaving my poor bf, confused and running up after me. I could not calm down until we finally were outside the building, and even then I was still hyperventilating. It was definitely a panic attack, I just didn’t realize at the time.

I think that episode sort of scared him, because he hasn’t seem me in that state, and then on the way back home, we started trying to figure that out, and even though to me it’s something that used to happen all the time while I was in school, to him, it was another signal that my anxiety had officially taken over. Then he got mad and basically asked how the heck, I managed to get to that point. The funny thing is that I never really thought about it that way. I have gotten so used to feeling like that, to not having much sleep, being overworked, taking on other people’s problems, becoming overwhelmed, that it truly woke me up that someone was that bothered by it. That someone cared enough to be bothered by it. It made me reflect, that maybe what I’m used to, is not what I should be aiming to continue. Maybe I should try to have a better balance, and that the status quo is something I should not accept and start changing.

After that, I of course ended up getting sick, and somehow ended up surviving a whole weekend away at a course with a hotel room….on some of those days, it was actually comical because I was falling asleep in lecture, and felt completely terrible for getting any of my classmates sick, but I had no choice because there is no option to make up the time. On one of those days, we talked a bit and started discussing non-negotiables and needs in a relationship. I find my bf really interesting, because I find the strangest things that irritate him about me. Now granted, most people will think I’m nuts and as he says, some of the most basic principles that every person takes for granted. These things include: hygiene (yes, I’m continuing to work on it) including being clean before going out or having sex, shaving, brushing teeth, being feminine and dressing up when going out, taking care of myself (proper diet and exercise), attraction and of course sex and intimacy (which I know to guys is quite important because sex is how they express their emotional closeness, and they need it to relief tension). Now what he finds crazy, is to me, this is all new and I’m trying to get used to it in a very short time period. 

I started pondering what my biggest needs are, and I realized I crave the emotional connection. I need to be accepted as who I am with feelings and emotions and not have to hide it. I need to be have trust in that person and not get hurt. I also need someone to accept that I have a busy schedule and limited energy and can’t always be available for meeting up during the week or having sex 3-4 times a week just because of time limitations. What surprised me was that I do have a need for a physical level of intimacy, which includes sex, but at the same time, I need downtime. I need a day off to relax and rejuvenate. I need someone that knows how to calm me down when I’m a bit anxious, someone that will not take it personally if I’m overwhelmed, and someone that will not judge me for my habits, and personality.

I’ve realized that a relationship is in a way a partnership and involves give and take. It also involves a lot of communication to figure out what you and your partner want and need, because your partner is not a mind reader at all, and a lot of information is lost in translation. A new relationship is a huge learning curve but hey nothing good comes without some hard work! 

An official relationship and the adventures it brings

So I quess it is official, I am in a relationship! Yes I'm still getting used to that idea and all the ramifications of it, and am starting to get into the idea of 'bf/gf' instead of just 'friend'. Some days I seriously feel like I'm at the mature age of 16 and have my first crush...it is a bit nuts!

Reading over my previous post, I think I have made major strides and accomplished a lot of what I planned to which is pretty good! I have stuck to my new diet, gained back the 3lbs that I lost with the stress and antibiotics, and thankfully my stomach has not complained so far. My work-life balance is getting there, I have started taking Friday's off, which has been a great refresher, and I have been able to at least sleep in and get some more chores done, so that I can actually enjoy the weekend. I have also gained some energy and actually played tennis twice in 1 weekend! Still have to work on daily exercise, but everything is a work in progress.

The biggest thing to conquer was my anxiety and fears...because it was impacting a lot of my life including work, family, happiness and relationship. We actually went to a peace concert, and I found it to be the most beautiful thing I've ever encountered with the most amazing singer! It truly touched my soul, and since then I think I have been able to find some peace and live more in the moment. I recognize my mood and emotions more, and have fewer times when I just blow up. It has been a welcome improvement, and I have learned to gain some distance emotionally at work and not take everything so personally, because it was really starting to take a toll and weigh me down. Now I'm able to look at it as a job, and not need that self-fulfilment and reassurance from every client as I used to need before. A good family friend told me, the trick is to view it as a professional encounter even when it doesn't work out, because working with people can be very draining, and a lot of clients are very demanding, so if I view it as a professional environment, then I know I'm doing my best, but not taking their success and failures personally.

In the relationship, I have also made major strides in terms of my anxiety, it has been a bit of a roller coaster and he can often recognize my emotions and predict my reaction even before I realize them, which is really cool! We are able to communicate a lot better, and I'm not as afraid to say what's on my mind, and try not to take his critiques and criticisms as personally, because a lot of the time, most things do make sense, I just am too lazy to do them. He has also realized what bothers me, and has taken a different approach in trying to get me to do something different and has backed off on a lot of things like clothing, hygiene, because he knows I'm trying to improve myself and its just taking some time. I have in the past weekend, actually completely cleaned my room, and was actually able to vacuum for the first time in a month and that's sort of thanks to him. He was right, when he said, a messy room reflects on a messy and incoherent mind, and my mind was truly a jumbled mess! It is also mutual, because I have made him become aware of his horrible driving habits and impatience, which he is slowly starting to improve...very slowly.

 The most important stride, is I have finally been able to achieve a good sexual relationship, where sex isn't painful, and we have actually been able to simultaneously orgasm! Now this took a while and was probably the most frustrating aspect because it took so much time, patience, practice and trust. We have actually taken it to the next level and are trying different positions and locations, which is exciting and fun! Definitely a complete turn around from when I thought I'd never be able to enjoy sex and its something that has to be endured. The funniest thing, is I got my mom, who has not had a great sex life, to become really curious about it, and who is now asking me questions! I think this is definitely where it took him a lot of patience, because he is a really sexual and intimate guy, and I wasn't and was sort of terrified about it all. To go from hyperventilating and only tolerating it for a minute, to being able to go at it for an hour, and achieving orgasm with no alcohol, and no fear in the span of 1.5 months is quite amazing. We have had our own adventures, including waking up in the hotel room after having a bit too much to drink, with sheets covered in wine and blood (remaining hymen). We have also had my mom barge into the house we are staying in while we were still naked in bed (she thankfully didn't come up)! We have also done it in the basement on rugs and a thin blanket, with no lock on the door as a spontaneous thing, and have used my parents condoms (not too thrilled about that part!).

I have a much better understanding of what a relationship and intimacy means, and have learned to take everything I read with a grain of salt, and not discount things before I've tried them, because everyone is different and you might never know what you actually like! I still have a long way to go in accepting myself and my sexuality, as well as re-developing my self-confidence. I'm still not comfortable with who I am, and therefore it is hard for me to make any long-term plans. I have avoided thinking about them, because of the amount of turbulence our initial relationship has had and I'm just not comfortable with that thought yet...but he is starting to make long-term vacation plans, and we have actually joked about how crazy it would be if we did move in together! It's not that those plans scare me or that I want something different, it's just that I don't quite know what I do want, and it will take me a while longer to figure out, before I can commit to something long-term. It's funny because I have met 7 of his friends already, and they have all liked me and mentioned that I have good energy....they also told him not to screw it up, which I found quite funny!

Let's see, in terms of my work, I've realized I'm not happy where I am, and what I truly want is to work in a larger clinic and receive some mentorship, so I finally got the courage to start applying to new positions, and not feel guilty for leaving this one. It is so far going well, and I have a 3rd interview at one clinic which I'm hoping will work out, so will keep my fingers crossed!

I can't say everything is perfect, as I'm not quite getting as much sleep as I need, and sometimes average about 6hours/night, which is far from enough. Also because I'm going out a lot, I'm finding its hard to find the time and energy to focus on my course, which is sort of important and expensive. I'm also not quite there with taking over some of the household chores, but I'm making small strides, like trying to make sure my room is at least semi-tidy and can be vaccumed regularly. I now have a lock on my door, so if I need privacy, I can actually lock it, which has been helpful on a number of occasions! We have also installed another bookshelf, to deal with the massive amounts of physio books and materials I need to somehow organize! The most interesting thing, is I have also started driving in the mornings to one of my workplaces and so far, its actually going well! No accidents, and minimal anxiety. I'm really trying to also improve my timing, and not been late for work, which is also something I'm working on.

So hope you've enjoyed the update! I really want to document my journey more, but then I really won't have any time to sleep! It's sort of funny how sending one message on a dating site can change my life and turn it completely upside down! The great thing is I'm actually enjoying the adventure!!

Revaluating my life and Growing Up

 It’s funny how different I feel today than I did 2 weeks ago. I never realized how much my perspective can change just due to a couple of dates with a very insightful guy. I feel more awake, and more like the person I was before I become very very cynical about life and started repressing all emotions that ever existed because they were too painful.

I have a course this weekend, and instead of doing what I usually do, which is commuting for 2 hours each way as this course is in another city, I decided to rent a hotel room and make it a mini well-deserved vacation! It’s actually been really helpful in having some peace and quiet to really think about things and figure things out about the issues in my life, and where I want to go from here, as well as what I really want, which I’m still not completely sure about.

So this guy whom I will call Freud for a reason, has challenged my whole perception of my life and made me realize I’m a mess and my brain is a mess. I have ignored so many health issues for so long that I have started taking them for granted and thinking its all normal, which is ridiculous. I mean having constant stomach upsets, no appetite and not being able to eat anything for 2 months other than a diet of baked potatoes, chicken, and toast is ridiculous. Having to eat 20 chocolates a day to stay awake is also crazy. Working 50-60hours/week and commuting is unsustainable and will lead to burnout. Being anxious to the point of having anxiety attacks and not being able to communicate is also far from normal. Being so exhausted that I was falling asleep all the time, because of only getting 6 hours of sleep is just not healthy.

The crazy thing, is I advise my clients all the time about changing their lifestyle and making sure they take their health seriously. I harp on them to de-stress, to do their exercises, and to make sure to come in right when they are injured instead of a year later, I always tell them to exercise, keep fit, sleep well, lose weight, to really take care of their body because they only have the one, and not taking care of it will be problematic later on. Now here I am, completely ignoring my own advise! I mean, not only do I not exercise, I work ridiculous hours, don’t sleep enough, overwork myself, and have horrible eating habits and major digestive issues. I am also stressed to the max, very anxious, and was wondering why I was getting frustrated at the smallest thing, and was getting annoyed listening to my clients very real concerns. All I could think about was how I really wanted to get home and go to bed.

He made me realize how ridiculous my life was, and how I’m slowly running my self to the ground. I mean I need to live in my body for the next 40 years, how can I expect it to run properly if I don’t take care of it? So, I did start to clean up my life, starting with my diet, and looking at it, I realized I eat very few vegetables and get few nutrients from potatoes, so I added eating 3 full salads a day, cut out the chocolates, added vitamin B12 to get my appetite back, and stopped eating baked potatoes. I still have to add pro-biotics, vitamin D, yogurt and most likely see a dietician to determine what else I am missing in my diet. But those steps alone, made me stop falling asleep all the time at work, and have reduced the stomach upsets, although they still occur once in a while after eating out in restaurants. I mean when I really think about the fact that I was skipping lunch, and thinking it was ok to eat lunch at 5pm, I wonder how I didn’t completely collapse from exhaustion!

After diet, came my work, I mean I have realized I work, way too many hours, and I can’t keep this up if I truly want a balanced lifestyle. So I have started blocking my schedule, and will transition to taking Friday’s off, as well as only working a half-day on Saturday, so that will hopefully reduce my hours to a more regular 40hour work week, and will give me more time off. I mean it’s one thing to work 50-60hours, but its another to try to work + take courses + try to date and exercise + keep up with cooking and cleaning. At first I was addicted to the paycheck and seeing my balance going up every month, but after a while I didn’t care anymore, I was so exhausted and worn out, I felt it was a chore to actually go and put the check in the bank. I was getting more and more fatigued and impatient, and not a very pleasant person to be around. What’s the point of money if you have no energy to enjoy it? What’s the point if you’re gonna burn out in a year and not want to work anymore at all?

Now, the diet and work is actually fairly easy to fix, my emotional and anxiety issues are a lot more complicated and I’ve been ignoring them for so long, that it will take me a while to deal with everything. I mean I didn’t even realize I was that anxious and sensitive until I started hyperventilating during sex…I mean that tells me something. Yes, I was nervous, but apparently that’s actually not that common.

So I’ve started by just identifying when I am anxious, what triggers it, what emotions I’m feeling, and then instead of blocking my emotions and getting more and more anxious, I’ve learned to accept them and let them go. If I’m feeling unsure, insecure, incompetent at work, I realized that’s okay and that everyone feels this, and I don’t need to try to suppress it. I think the main issue, was that I had horrible placements at school, and many of my ‘teachers’ instead of actually ‘teaching me skills’ just criticized me. They constantly told me that I’m not strong enough, smart enough, althletic enough, confident enough, can’t multi-task, get distracted, poor memory..etc…and I internalized all those ideas even if it was just a few people’s opinions and it was during a time of great stress.

It took another person, to make me realize that they should not have done that, and weren’t doing any teaching whatsoever. I mean it’s been a year since I finished the program and those thoughts were still playing over and over in my head. I’ve treated countless number of clients, have been told how much they appreciate my expertise and a person that actually listens to their concerns and takes their problems seriously, and have fairly good outcomes, yet I still hear their voice in my head, telling me that I’m not good enough. I mean how can I become competent, if I don’t even believe that I’m good enough myself? So, I’ve learned to accept that their ideas telling me I’m not good enough, or not competent enough will always be there, but I can choose to ignore them now and let them go, because otherwise I won’t be able to move on, and become confident in my own ideas as a therapist. I will always have the fear that I’m not providing the best service and someone else can do a better job, and initially when I started, all I wanted to do was refer everyone to a different more knowledgeable therapist, but I realize now that they don’t necessarily do a better job. They don’t have 100% success rate either, and every person and therapist has different skills, and different treatment styles. There is a lot of disagreement, but different doesn’t necessarily mean bad, it just means different, and different people respond to different therapies, so my style is not necessarily less effective than theirs.

The next step, that I’m also working on, and will take a while is to start to separate my life from my parent’s lives and to start taking responsibility for my own actions. That means not blaming my problems on them and learning to move on from there. It also means accepting that I didn’t have the easiest childhood, but that doesn’t mean that it has to define who I am today. No immigrant’s childhood is perfect, and I should consider myself lucky in general. Yes my parents were/are overprotective, very anxious about every little thing, and worried about me, but I know that is their way of really loving me, and protecting me. I mean, I was sick a lot when I was younger, and my immunity was not the greatest, so I can see why they are nervous, but at the same time, I’m not a kid anymore. I’m an adult, with a successful career, and I need to create some boundaries with respect to going out, and them texting me non-stop, it does get ridiculous after a while. I also have to take more responsibility and not letting them do everything for me like I’m used to. I need to start doing my own laundry, cleaning, waking up on my own, going to bed at a regular time, making my own food and buying my own supplies. It also means, paying rent regularly. If I want to be taken seriously as an adult, I have to actually start acting like one, and stop acting like a kid that needs to be taken care of. It’s a lot of change, but the sooner I start, the better, because otherwise, I’ll be stuck in the rut forever.

I can definitely see why people move out, because as much as I love my parents, I have to develop my own identity. I can’t keep trying to match their expectations, because it’s not who I am. They’re anxiety is causing my anxiety to spike, and that is very very unhealthy. I realized that one of the reasons why I can’t seem to move on from my past experiences is because my mom keeps reminding me of them. We talk about them to death, when sometimes the best thing we can do, is just leave them in the past and move on. We can’t keep living a life in the past, there is the whole future to consider! I do owe them a lot, and I wouldn’t be where I am, without they’re support and encouragement, and even some of the protection they gave me, but I have to take steps to move on slowly forward and set some emotional boundaries.

The biggest thing that I need to do is to accept my career choice and stop running. In the back of my head, I continue to think about med, and this is significant this year, because my MCAT actually expires (not that its any good) and if I wanted to reapply I’d need to retake it. Now even if I apply this year, it would only be to one school, and my shot of getting in is very very low. I actually only thought about applying to get it over with, so that I don’t get in, and then can say that I actually applied and be able to move on with my life. This is actually a ridiculous thought process, because I’m applying not because I want to get in, but because I need to not get in? A friend made me realize, my approach is not exactly correct, and I have to actually want to go, before I apply, and after thinking about it, as much as I complain about my job, I do actually like it. To spend another 6 years studying and working 60hour weeks, and go 100K into debt, does not sound that appealing anymore. Plus I honestly don’t know if I’d even survive it, because my health is already a mess, and I don’t deal with stress very well, that much I realized, so it will probably make me miserable, more fatigued, and more sick.

My friend is currently in dental school, and it was her dream to become a dentist for the longest time, but the last time I talked to her, she actually mentioned she regretted her decision to go. I couldn’t believe it, but the fact is, she is in the US, without her family, going 450K into debt, is exhausted and not doing very well in her classes. She said, if she was warned about how hard it would be, she would find something else to do. It made me realize that I need to accept the decision I made 4 years ago, to not pursue medical school, and go into PT, and not look back and not try to change it. The master’s program alone, has taken away a lot of my sanity already, and I am still not quite where I need be mentally. To spend another 6 years of my life, slaving away over books and hospitals, might actually kill me.

I have a fairly good career, I enjoy my job, and I’m only a year into it and making 70K, what else do I really want? There is a lot of opportunity whether I want to go to different clinics, or whether I want to open up my own clinic, the possibilities are endless. My 50-60hour work weeks, made me realize that money isn’t everything. If I’m exhausted and miserable, the money does not make me happier. More money also doesn’t necessarily solve all of my problems, especially if I hate the job. I’m in general an emotional person, and don’t even enjoy dealing with very sick patients, so to do that every day, will make me quite miserable, and emotionally I would probably shut down again, which will not serve my patient’s best interests. I know enough burned out docs, and I don’t want to be another one.

Now the last thing in my life that I need to figure out is whether I want/can handle an actual relationship. I think this is probably the hardest thing for me because it is not as easy to decide and figure out as all my other life changes because it’s not just me that’s involved. Emotionally it is very difficult for me to get involved, because I’m terrified of being vulnerable, letting go, and getting hurt. I’m so used to guarding my true feelings, and I realized in a real relationship, you can’t do that. You have to learn to let go, take risks, see where they go, and be able to accept the fact that it might not work out. The feelings are so powerful that they tend to overwhelm me, and makes me very difficult to function normally. At the same time, I long for that type of deep relationship that I’ve never been able to find, for that deep intimacy, and for the companionship and emotional connection that comes with a true relationship.

Losing my Virginity at 25

So I have to be honest, and feel a bit overwhelmed and reluctant to write this post, and understand that a lot of people will be like ‘how the heck can anyone still be a virgin at 25! There must be something wrong with this person’. So let me start off with the fact, that I’m glad to actually shed this title and feel like an actual mature adult that is not psychologically flawed. Which I did feel like for a looong time.

So let me start off with why I was still a virgin after all this time and why I didn’t just ‘get it over with’ in high school/college. First off I was a late bloomer, didn’t feel pretty, or attractive, and didn’t date anyone in high school because I was too focused on surviving and trying to fit in. Then in University, my number one goal was doing well, and getting great marks, so I focused on school, and didn’t really talk to anyone, let alone actually have time to date. Then I got into my Master’s, and at this point I actually tried to date, but it went nowhere, because I was exhausted mentally and physically and couldn’t put any effort into a relationship. So fast tract to this summer, being the 25yo, where I thought…hmm…I should probably at least attempt to date and see where it goes. Now the good thing is I did start to explore and went to 3^rd base with 2 guys, but didn’t go all the way because I didn’t quite trust them or was emotionally and physically attracted to them. One of them was a really good friend of mine from High school.

So fast forward to today, because of course everyone is dying to hear what happened! So this was our 5^th date, and I would have to say even though I’m exhausted, it was a lot better than I thought it would go, and I even achieved an orgasm for the first time in my life! Now it was a magical day, and we initially went to a park and made out on a bridge overlooking the water, then we walked around and talked quite a bit. Had a good lunch and of course a drink, which probably helped a bit. Then we got coffee, a bit of a mistake on my end, but hey everyone makes mistakes. After all this, we talked about what being in a relationship means, and what we are both looking for in it, and it definitely helped clear up a couple of things. He does have a past where he has had a lot of sexual partners, and a few relationships that did not work well, so he definitely knows what he doesn’t want, which is someone that is critical, and that he can’t be himself around, so that helped me a bit. He also explained how his journey 10 month journey around the world, helped clarify a couple of things, including the fact that he wants something more stable and is ready to settle down, because he has had enough of the quantity and is looking for quality. He also admitted that he has been selfish in his previous relationships, and has been working on improving his own confidence issues, as well as find a partner where he can guide that relationship, and not be forced along, but at the same time, not have to pull the weight. Basically the whole idea is to improve each other and not get in the way of our own personal growth.

So, we went back to his place, and it was a bit of a mental struggle initially, because I kept thinking, should I wait? Is a 5^th date too soon? Do I trust him enough? Will it be very painful?

The funny thing that I realized, that I was reading about it so much, and had so many varied opinions that it was clouding my judgement and it was just causing a lot of unneeded anxiety. He is very very gently, and before anything he did a lot of foreplay including oral, then made sure he could go in with one finger and then with 2, and only then did he actually go in himself. I felt lots of pressure, but not necessarily pain, and he continued with the foreplay while going in which was helpful. Now I was very far from being relaxed, but was able to tolerate him going in half way, and then actually had a 20 minute orgasm! It was the most bizarre experience I’ve ever felt. It was this rush of tingling and vibrating that was going through my whole body, from below right to the arms and legs. It felt like a release that needed to come out, and really felt like an out of body experience as I had no control over my muscles or body anymore! It took a long time for me to settle down from that, and couldn’t quite comprehend everything.

Then we did it a second time, and this time, was a bit more problematic. He went all the way in, and tried thrusting very slowly, which my body was not ready for, and reacted not very well. I started panicking, my muscles started tightening, and I actually started hyperventilating and shaking…and took me a while to settle down a bit. I think I scared him a bit, and of course after a couple of minutes I was okay and only a bit shaken up. I realized it was most likely the coffee that made me so jittery, and add in the excitement is a recipe for disaster with my anxiety levels. The strange thing was that there was very minimal pain, and almost no blood, as he fingered me beforehand, and I trusted him and was actually almost able to relax, which I realized is key.

I’m still not quite sure how I feel about it. I’m glad I did it with him, because I fully trusted him, and he did make it a lot less painful and enjoyable that I thought it would be. It is almost a relief, to say I’m no longer a virgin, but at the same time, I don’t really feel any different… for whatever reason, I thought there would be this magical awakening, and I would have this huge epiphany or emotional breakthrough, but I’ve realized it doesn’t work that way. I’m still me, just not a virgin anymore, and am not defined by it. I quess I always had this image of waiting until marriage, or waiting until I was in a long term relationship for a long time and making sure to have the right guy to do it with, but the longer I waited, the more I read and the more anxiety and false theories I developed around sex, and a lot of them really aren’t true and are different for every person.

The most important advice I can share from my own experience, is its okay to wait, there is nothing wrong with it. Make sure your first time is with someone you trust completely, because if you don’t trust them, you can’t relax and it will be painful. Arousal is key, both for lubrication, as well as relaxation. It might take 20 minutes of foreplay to really feel comfortable before attempting anything. Some alcohol can help at least reduce some of the inhibitions, and promote some relaxation, but you don’t need an excessive amount. Fingering definitely helps stretch the muscle and reduce the amount of pain after during the initial phase. Being slow and gentle is the key, and don’t try to force it on the first go, because that will create a sense of distrust, discomfort and will take a long time to rebuild it. It’s okay to thrust later on after you get comfortable. It can be emotionally overwhelming and can take time to settle down, which is also okay, and asking for some space for a couple of days after is completely reasonable. 

After all that I have no idea what to feel anymore, and I think it will take me a couple of days to process and accept this new part of me, but I realized that, that’s okay. Everybody responds differently, and I do feel like I have finally conquered this obstacle that was causing me a lot of anxiety and mental anguish.

The frustrations of online dating

It is taking me all the energy that I have to not just quit this whole online dating thing. I can’t even begin to describe how frustrating this whole process is. Today I read about one female took it to a new level to understand what the heck the guys are looking for in a profile and then made a checklist and anyone with less than 700 points would be off the list!

http://forward.com/articles/170925/hacking-jdate-to-find-the-perfect-jewish-hubby/?p=all

After my own frustrations I can see why people go to some of these extremes. I mean I’ve made my profile very very generic, light and positive and have tried to choose the best pictures I have, and I don’t know what else I can do to attract the guys I would actually be compatible with. I’m not even talking about physical attraction, but in terms of similar interests, values and some basic physical attraction. I’ve realized that what I’m really looking for is a life-long friend that I can talk to by being myself instead of continuing to feel like I have to someone else and acquire a different personality to match theirs like I do at work.

The main problem for me, is that I’m not that interested In intimacy right off the bat, and I am a bit of a tomboy, and do not really enjoy wearing makeup, dresses and high heels, so I think that right away eliminates a huge pool of guys that would be interested. Being close to my family and having a semi-demanding job doesn’t help matters. Now don’t get me wrong I have adapted quite a bit, and now dress up for most dates, make sure to appear nice, and wear basic makeup. But I can’t completely alter who I truly am, because I’ve realized I’d be miserable in that kind of relationship and it just wouldn’t work.

The other problem is intimacy. What I would want ideally, I’ve realized after my dating escapade doesn’t exist. You can’t have everything and any relationship takes a lot of compromise. Ideally for me, would be a relationship with a really basic level of intimacy until I get comfortable and solve my anxiety issues, but for guys it doesn’t work that way. For them the physical attraction and connection is very important, and most for some reason have this variable rule of sex on the 3-5^th date, unless they’re religious. To me this hard rule doesn’t make sense, and in general makes me quite frustrated, as its an arbitrary number and should be adjusted depending on the person, but they seem to right away almost evaluate how quickly they can get you into bed, and if its gonna take too long, they give up and move on.

I’ve definitely grown after going on so many dates, and don’t take it as personally as I used to, and I do understand it is a numbers game, and the more people you go out with, the more likelihood you’ll find someone you’re compatible with, but it definitely get’s exhausting after a while. After a certain period of time, I start to wonder whether it is worth it. I’m finally at the point where I am emotionally stable, can control my moods, have a good job, and can almost enjoy life…I continue this craziness because of society’s expectation that we should all have a partner, and we should get married and have kids…where this came from I have no idea, as the earth is overpopulated anyway! Maybe Hollywood is to blame, as we have this image in our head of what a perfect relationship looks like, and even though we all know real life doesn’t work like that, and can’t have a quick wrap-up ending in 2 hours, we look at it as the ideal and strive to go for that image. I mean relationships are hard! I couldn’t believe it, but a number of people I met my age, have already been married and divorced! Or they’ve been in very long-term relationships and then something happened and they went their separate ways.

I really do wish I could say, now that I’m done school and have a job and am more or less settled that I’m happy. But it’s far from the truth. I’m not miserable and very sleep-deprived and don’t feel like a zombie anymore now that I have some control over my own schedule…I feel I’m more stable…and I’m not as afraid of everything as I was before and actually have gone out and explored a lot in the past few months including a rib-fest, orthodox wedding, many restaurants, a Caribbean festival, bowling, tennis, mini-golf, movies, zip-lining, and sailing, as well as now having the amazing chance of getting to know my nephew! For most people, these activities are nothing out of the ordinary, but for me, I’ve truly been able to conquer my anxiety regarding being in big groups, public places and meeting many many new people.

I’m feeling much more rested and relaxed, but the thing is I’m sort of restless and bored. I feel my life has become a boring routine, get up, go to work, work, come home, sleep. As anyone can understand, all jobs become routine after a while, and I feel like mine has also become routine, I can almost shut my brain down and not think about anything, and tend to repeat the same script I’ve developed for different conditions. I literally feel like a robot. Definitely better than feeling like a zombie, or constantly being sick and having asthma/panic attacks..but still far from ideal.

I have to say I really shouldn’t complain, and am very very lucky to be where I am today. We have a lot of choices and we take everything for granted. Places like Syria and Egypt where women have much fewer rights and freedom of speech as well as a full on civil war where they worry about the basic necessities of life like food and water, and having no electricity.

As frustrated as I get, I will keep trying this crazy new dating world, and at the very least, I’ll have some more great stories to share if nothing else! 

Dating Experiment and an Incompatible Sex Drive

Wow, my dating experiment has definitely been quite exhausting but at the same time unique, educational and eye-opening. I’ve been on 12 first dates and 20 total dates in 2 months, I wanted to reach 20 in 3 months, but will fall a bit short. Before you think I have completely lost it, and was another crazy person, I have gone out on these dates to see if I could meet some people and maybe find someone I like and start a more serious relationship. I am not a serial dater, and do not give anyone the wrong idea, I am completely honest from the start that I want to be friends first, and would only be willing to go further after a couple of dates, so to not lead anyone on, because based on my own past experiences its important for me to be honest.

Now back to my experiment. I had a couple of sources including set-ups from friends, matchmakers, as well as 2 different online dating websites (1 paid, 1 free). For 9 out of the 12 guys, the initial meeting didn’t progress into anything more than a coffee/dinner date, and it was either mutual, or I felt we had absolutely nothing in common and would not work. I learned a lot of different interesting things that I never really knew about including the fact that there are a lot of people buying one-way tickets to Mars, and some people believe that in the next 100 years (if we don’t self-destruct), there will be a human colony living underground on Mars and there will be a tourist elevator that will take future space travellors to discover the wonderful air-free planet that Mars is in only a day of travel. Hey, what do I know, I mean I still envision flying cars and skateboards.

I’ve also learned that some people can easily spend 5K on a watch and not even think about it, as well as change jobs from a chef to an insurance salesperson, or from a stock-broker to helping create an event planning site, or accounting to acting. I actually started thinking, hmm..I should try acting, it can’t be that hard, I mean I do it every day anyway!

The more interesting parts of my experiment were of course with people I figured I could stand for more than 1 date and see if anything could come out of it. There were 3 of those, and 2 are still ongoing, but the 1 was the most unique. This was a guy who had recently (3 years ago) came to Canada, and let’s say there are different cultural variations on dating which was sort of a revelation for me! In Eastern Europe, the culture varies quite a bit, the guys are a bit more on the aggressive side, and although they are willing to pay for everything (to the point of getting insulted if you even offer), bring flowers, open doors, act very gentleman like, and are not afraid of a commitment, there are some catches that I quickly realized.

 First off they are quite pushy and are used to getting what they want, they want to control everything, they want a commitment from you right from the start and want to go out very frequently (every other day!). This is where it got crazy. The guy was calling (not texting) every day, even when I warned him that I work late and my phone doesn’t always work. He kept calling, leaving messages and getting annoyed that I don’t answer!! When I tried to explain that I don’t have good reception at one of the places I work at, and work long-hours, he said I should find a break and call him then! I mean it is unacceptable for him not to be able to reach me! Let me explain that this was after the 2^nd date and we were only going out for 3 days! Next, even knowing that I have a busy work schedule didn’t phase him, I mean I could always come and go out after work right? Trying to explain that I work 10hour days, and all I want to do in the end is sleep, apparently didn’t work, I mean I should of course, work more reasonable hours and he should be my number 1 priority! Not to mention that he was on at home call for sometimes as long as a week, and his solution would be that I should come over to his place to hang out, in between him getting work calls!

Now this would all be tolerable, if it wasn’t for the fact that we have completely incompatible sex drives! I didn’t realize this is a critical factor until this mini relationship. Let me explain, I have very low desire in general, and am still a virgin, and it took me a while to even get used to hugs, let alone being intimate which I’m still getting used to. This guy, was sleeping with people from 15, and felt I was a very strange person! I mean how is it possible not to want to have sex! His solution would be to go for a vacation somewhere and show me what I’ve been missing all these years....which would be fine for some people, but that did not get me in the mood at all. All I could think about was getting some sort of STD and lots of pain. I think the biggest problem was that he wanted to do it right away and as many times a day as possible, which is very normal for most people, but for me I found very aggressive and my body resisted everything because he was not gentle at all.

After a week I realized it’s really not going to work, and he was driving me crazy, and I tried to explain that I wanted to take it much much slower, and was not interested in anything serious at the moment, which really surprised him, and he mentioned that its either a relationship or nothing, no friends option! Apparently this is standard? As they find it too confusing? Which is fine, I said it wasn’t going to work, and we should go our separate ways, but yet this took a whole hour on the phone!

Now of course, with the recent 2 that I’m still in touch with, it is the complete opposite! One is out of the city, and we email once every 3 days and meet up 2X/month. The other one is similar except he lives in the city! I can’t say I feel the magical ‘spark’ with anyone, so at this point, I’ve stopped looking for it, and have lowered my expectations quite a bit. All I’m looking for, is a normal relationship, where I won’t be pressured into doing things I’m not comfortable with, and where we’re good friends, can enjoy each other’s company and can do activities that we both enjoy around the city, I mean is that too much to ask?

I’ve actually gone so far, as to see a therapist to see if there’s something truly wrong with me and my desire, and her reply, was that everyone is different, and that some experiences shape who you are and people value different things. Her best advice was to find someone patient, that is willing to take the time to get to know me, and explore instead of rushing into something, because that will not help me at all.

Through all this, I realized, that I just have to keep trying to find someone and not settle with the first guy that is interested. I am different, I do have my own baggage, and issues I’m trying to resolve, but that just means I’m different, and if a guy is not willing to offer me respect and patience, then he’s not worth it. All I know for sure, is this dating thing Is not easy. 

Trying to change my dating strategy

It's amazing how a crush can completely make your psyche turn to complete and utter mush, and turn your world upside down. The pain to know that someone you're interested in is not interested in you is unbearable. It's almost like an alien takes over my brain and makes me completely useless!

I'm trying to forget about him, and stay distracted, as I do have a lot of other stuff I need to be doing, but it's hard..I still keep checking my phone impulsively, thinking he'll message and that he's truly interested, but I know that he's not. It's gotten so bad that I started falling asleep at work and having concentration issues, so I really do need to snap out of it badly and soon...it's definitely not easy to work and date at the same time, really does wear down on you and makes you even more exhausted.

Ohh well..I'll snap out of it hopefully very soon, because its causing me to be quite miserable...plus its draining on my family, and if that wasn't enough, my stomach issues are beginning to rear their ugly head.

I keep trying to figure out, if having a relationship is truly worth all this pain, mood swings and dating experiences. I'm told that the high of being in a committed relationship and the love that goes along with it is the best feeling in the world....except the only problem is I only feel pain, and haven't gotten to the love part of it.

I've been trying to take the advice of some of my guy friends as well as online help forums, where they advise to see a date as just an informal meeting between 2 people, instead of right away analyzing whether they are the one or not. I always tend to do that, and to always think, will this lead to something long-term? Is there a spark? I think the problem is I'm putting too much emphasis and pressure on a single date, which is just what it is. A meeting that might or might not lead to a second meeting. Right away, my brain starts fast forwarding to 10 years into the future instead of just enjoying the now, and not looking into the future. Then of course I start blaming myself that I should have behaved differently, or dressed better. When the reality can be that they guy is just pre-occupied with other tasks, has no idea what they want, or is just not interested in a relationship at the moment.

The one thing I have learned is not to chase after a person who is not interested. It is better to just let it go, even though not knowing is very tough. I think tomorrow, on another one of my infamous blind dates, I'll try to keep an open mind and just try to enjoy the date instead of thinking 10 steps ahead, and looking at it, as a chance to meet another interesting person in this big world we live in!